oddsunflower

Yesterday, I went to church with AH. He was "dry" Saturday and wanted to attend mass so I went with him. A little background real quick-
We live in a town that is very near the border. Because of this, we have a very diverse congregation and our pastor is bilingual but mostly Spanish speaking. His passion is worth the struggles with understanding him and yesterday was one of those days. He was talking about doing all things with joy in your heart. That no one really needs to be able to see that you didn't sleep well last night or that you have a morning of troubles. He used a great example about his own situation. Once a month, the Mexican congregation serves a homemade breakfast after mass. Saturday is the "cooking day" and apparently he ate to too much. He said that they just kept offering him a "taste" and he couldn't say no because they are so persistent. Anyway, he was saying that he was awake until 6am with a bit of a stomach ache from overindulgence but if he hadn't told us, we would not have known and given that it was his fault and there was nothing we could do to help him, it was not for him to wear on his sleeve and that he chose joy instead as what he would share for the day. (Damn...that was hard to explain for some reason haha) Then he continued on about repentance and how people think that just because they admit a fault, that they should be free from the consequences of it. (Mind you my AH is sitting next to me still) Then...the big whammy....he started talking about how people do things selfishly and do not consider how others are affected by them. His first example? The man who has "just one beer" every night. He explained that the man would tell him he was not an alcoholic because it was "just one beer" but that same man didn't see the damage it was doing to his family. That his mood would change. That his family knew not to bother him until he had that one beer. That they also knew to avoid him once he had that one beer. The homily ended by him saying that his advice to the wife would be to live her life with joy in her heart for the things she could do. To find joy in her children and to clean her home with joy and do her job with joy because those were HER things to do. That she did not have to place value on HIS choices and HIS misery.
It was like an al-anon meeting and an intervention in the same room. Half of the pews were uncomfortable, the other half, misty-eyed.
After mass, my AH says...wow...I guess I was meant to come today.

I decided to live more joyfully yesterday. I carry so much resentment for things I have no control over. Today, it made things so nice. My AH was in a hurry this morning (also very agitated on this day #3 of being dry) and was rushing our teenage son out the door for school. I calmly said he could just go on and I would take our kiddo to school. I took a deep breath and chose joy. This would normally upset my whole routine...I would normally be MAD at my son for not being ready on time but I just told him not to worry and take his time that we had plenty of time to not be late. We had a nice chat on the way to school....I took the time to make sure he knew that we all had days that seemed to start crazy and that it was totally ok. When I got home from dropping him off, I felt so much better than I would have if this same scenario had happened last week. I am so thankful for that message yesterday and I would have loved to have recorded it to share with you.
I hope today that you can find joy and peace in everything you do. Choose happiness and wear joy like a badge of honor because YOU fought so hard for it!

trailmix

Wise words and I think it is very similar to what we talk about here. Looking after yourself (and your children of course).

You have no more control over his moods than you do over his drinking. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. It's just not your responsibility and should not be.

I know someone who gets reaaaaaaaaaally testy when they are working on something mechanical. Every. Single. Time. If I was nearby, I always tried to help. Smooth things over. Can I get some more tools? Need a beverage? Perhaps you should take a break?

Ok none of that worked.

Eventually! I learned to walk away and leave him to it. You know what, that works. His reaction to these things (which is is 100% aware of) has nothing to do with me, but for some reason I felt guilty just leaving it all up to him, no more. So I take off, he does his work, everyone survives!

I very much like the idea of you choosing joy. Only one caution. When you do things for the alcoholic that as a grown up man he should be able to do for himself (like take your Son to school willingly without turning it in to a battle because he is in a bad mood going through alcohol withdrawal), it is getting dangerously close to enabling. Just a mention as it is surely not something you want to get roped in to going forward. That will indeed drag you right down.

It's early days in his recovery though and very thoughtful of you to diffuse the situation. More will be revealed.

oddsunflower

Thank you for the reminder to look out for myself. When my son got home today I asked him to please be more prepared in the morning so that he would be ready when AH needed to leave. He understands and this rarely happens.... Maybe the second time in 2 years... It was just one of those days for him.

As for AH. He did not drink today and is beginning to experience some severe withdrawal symptoms. Hopefully he is able to sleep some tonight.

CRRHCC

Your wise post reminds me of the first line of the Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. "

Much of Recovery, is based on the premise that feelings and behaviors are caused by a person's thoughts, not on outside stimuli like people, situations and events. People may not be able to control their external circumstances, but they can change how they think about them and therefore change how they feel and behave. "Don't conform to the world but be transformed in your thinking."(Romans 12:2). Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, SELF CONTROL."

dandylion

oddsunflower…...I can see the obvious message that you took from the sermon.....about detaching from the alcoholic's choices, and put the focus on yourself, etc.
But, I wonder if he happened to point out that choosing to not live with untreated alcoholism is an option?
I do believe that detaching (and living joyfully) is a good and necessary tool for giving some time and space for the non-alcoholic spouse to breathe and get some perspective.....but, it is not the whole solution for dealing with alcoholism in the family, in my opinion.....
I have lived in the house with an alcoholic.....and, for me it was impossible to be joyful, patient and cheerful through all of the abusive and demanding behaviors. It almost drove me crazy. I regret t hat I did it for as long as I did....
Now....mind you....I am naturally a mostly happy and cheerful and easy going person, by nature.....and, the alcoholic almost broke me....no matter how hard I tried to be joyful about it.....

I am just saying.....

oddsunflower

I would imagine that if he had more than 20 minutes to talk he would have said that enduring continued abuse was not a way to live joyfully. I have been to the place where my spirit was broken from loving an addict and I had to step away, emotionally and physically. There are instances where taking a deep breath and choosing joy will do no harm and are in no way an acceptance of abuse. I was raised by addicts/alcoholics, married an addict/alcoholic that comes from addicts and alcoholics, and my own child is a homeless addict/alcoholic... There comes a point where I have to choose joy for myself. It's not for anyone else, it is not a denial, it is for MY sanity.

hopeful4

Thank you for sharing this. Many words of wisdom.