aabh

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and desperately needing to share my story as I feel so alone in all of this. It's long, but I'm hurting deeply right now. The short version is that my boyfriend has broken up with me for the third time after rehab. Our relationship had started before he went into recovery. Is that normal ? Is there any hope ? The full story is below. Again, I am so sorry it's long

Last year I went through so many tough life changes (a breakup and moved out of our share living space as well as quit my job due to mental stress) and I decided I should be single for a while until I could make sense of life. I am from the USA and I was looking for a new job. In May of 2018, a potential job in the Netherlands came up which seemed perfect for me so applied. In the meantime, I got online just to see what people I could network and make friends with out of curiosity. I met a wonderful guy there and we instantly hit it off. He called immediately and our friendship just struck up so fast.

Unfortunately I did not get the job, but I had made a new friend that I talked with everyday and it was so great. As the months went by, some feelings started to develop on both sides it seems, but we kept it as friends only. In September of 2018, He told me that he started to date someone and wasn't sure why he was telling me that, but that our connection was strong. I wished him well and gave him space for two weeks as I was more hurt than I thought, but I started missing him and our nice talks and decided to contact him. That's when we decided that it was deeper than a friendship. He told me that he had broken up with that person the day after telling me that and that he missed me.

I finally decided to visit him in Amsterdam at the end of November 2018 for 9 days originally. We hit it off so well that he wanted me to extend my trip. I ended up staying there for 45 days. I even spent Christmas with his family ! The problem was that I had no idea he was addicted to crystal meth. I found it out in late December. One night, after having a fantastic night with his friends, he said he was hungry and that he needed to go to the grocery store which was only about a 3 minute walk and shouldn't have taken more than 20 minute at the most. It took him about an hour to call and asked me if his wallet was there at home as he'd been walking up and down the street looking for it. I instantly became suspicious and he knew it. I told him it was there and when he came back for it, I told him I was going for a walk. Shortly after, I get a text from him saying that he messed up. I thought that meant he had slept with someone else so I was super upset. I return to his place from my walk and instantly just go to the bed. Then I decided I should hear him out. I asked him what did he mean when he said he had messed up. He told me he had "took a puff of that stuff." He knew that I did not like drugs and never did one in my life, but hey, it's Amsterdam. I didn't think it was that bad and no sense in beating himself up over it. I calm him down and we get to bed.

The next day I ask him why did he react like that and what was the "stuff" that he took a puff of ? That's when he told me it was meth. I was stunned as I would have NEVER guessed that. I knew meth was bad, but had no idea really about it. That's when things took a turn for the horrible. Next thing I know, his family and friends are staging an intervention for him and apparently this is something that had been going on for at least 4 years ! He was having panic attacks and there I was in the middle of all of this scared because by that time, we had fallen in love and I was concerned for him, but also so confused as I never dealt with anything like this in my life. It was strange because we had just made it official.

I finally get back to the USA in the middle of January after such a tough final week there. I had been staying at his place the entire time and left to stay in a hotel. He was very apologetic about everything that happened and by the beginning of March, he went to rehab for a month. He called me every chance he could and it sounded like he was making great progress. He gets out of rehab at the beginning of April and I started reading up on the effects of meth and it made me have so many questions. Since we were long distance, I was worried about being cheated on, to which he adamantly denied at first, but later came clean about. It had happened several times with many different partners.

By the end of April, though, is when he first decided to breakup with me. It sucked as his birthday was at the end of May and I had already purchased my ticket to go visit him for it. I went anyway and I took him out to dinner. I was in Europe for 2 weeks. The first few days were tough as he was so happy to see me and was affectionate, but did not want to get back together. I went to Italy in the middle of my trip and he said I could leave my large luggage at his place. We got in his hot tub and then later cuddled before I had to get to the airport. He still did not want to get back together, but when I came back, things had changed. I ended up going to the dentist with him which was an hour away (his friend is a dentist) because he was supposed to get his wisdom teeth pulled. When he gets there it turned out he didn't need to get them pulled, but it gave us a chance to really talk things out and that's when he decided he wanted to get back together.

June passes and everything is going fine (despite me having some moments of suspicion) and we're now at the end of July of 2019. We were making plans for my birthday in August and a vacation in October. He said he wanted to plan my birthday dinner and everything was lovely. He said he was going to the beach the next morning and would call. We ended that conversation with "I love you." The next morning I get a text from him saying we need to talk and then he calls me on video crying saying he cannot do this anymore. Things, once again, just switched so quickly ! I was stunned how the night before he was so excited about my birthday dinner and the vacation and the next, he's leaving. He said he needed to focus on himself, which I understood the best I could, and that he didn't want to be triggered. Well I found photos of him at a music festival that is known for having a lot of drugs and sex, the two things he told me he was diagnosed with having an addiction to. I was so hurt. We didn't talk at all until I get a message from him on my birthday at the end of August. Then he called me crying saying he was so sorry for everything and that he had wished we were together for my birthday. I said thank you and wished him well. He later came clean and said he had one relapse at the end of June and that it involved infidelity. I was hurt, but thanked him for his honesty.

We had messaged here and there after that, but by September, we were starting to video call and then about a month later, he decided he wanted to be my boyfriend and that he'd visit me in the USA. He arrived just this past week on 29 November and things were going great. He called me his soulmate and said that everything inside of him screamed I was the one he should marry. He said he wanted to spend Christmas with our families and go on a trip for New Year's Eve. That was Sunday night. Then on Monday, he has another panic attack and says he cannot do this right now, but after talking a little about it, he said he did not want a breakup. However, just today he said again he cannot do this right now and really needed to focus on himself and said it was over, even though he still believes we are soulmates and that I am the one he should marry. He said he loves me until death and that he did not want me waiting for him as he did not know how long his healing would take.

I am devastated. It's the worst whiplash ever ! I do not understand how things can change so rapidly. Is this normal ? I believed he loved me and I was a very supportive partner, giving him space when he needed it, but being there when he needed me. I never enabled him either. Yes, I was frequently suspicious and didn't fully trust him yet as he had lied to me so much, but I had forgiven him and was trying my best to heal myself. I was even planning a move to Amsterdam into my own place. Has anyone experienced this where an addict has broken up with them so many times ?

Thanks for reading !

trailmix

Hi aabh and welcome. Really sorry for the pain you must be going through.

I think if you read around this forum as well as the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum you will find many threads you can relate to.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There is a stickies section at the top of the forum there that also has many helpful threads:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It's an easy read and has a lot of information in it about relationships and boundaries.

I'm sure you have asked yourself this. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who uses meth and cheats on you? You really deserve so much better than this true? Someone you can rely on, depend on, who tells you the truth and shows you respect.

I know it's hurtful when a relationship ends, but you can get through that and find happiness.

aabh

Thanks for your reply, trailmix.

I did read Codependent No More this past summer during the second separation and found it incredibly helpful. It definitely helped me to realize a few things inside of myself.

In response to the questions asked, I definitely do deserve a stable and consistent relationship full of love and happiness. I don't want to date someone that is a meth addict and cheats on me. The thing is that I was under the impression that things were getting better and he has been changing. I can tell you it's a different person from December and even July. If he was not working on himself, I would not even try. I would have ran away. But because there is love that seems mutual and that he is working on himself, as am I, that's why I chose to enter the relationship again.

trailmix

I understand.

As for your question, is this normal? Once you start reading around the forums you will see that it is quite common, especially when someone is trying to recover OR if they say they are.

Two different scenarios. If they are going to try sobriety and recovery, that's a BIG task. It can take years. Getting sober is just the first step, then recovery, where they need to unravel the addiction and all that put them there in the first place. This can be a big trial and is tough on them and everyone surrounding them, generally.

Second scenario is that he just wants to use and wants to be able to do that freely without any pressure from anyone (you) to stop. It's difficult to know which one it is, unless he actually tells you truthfully and based on his actions so far, can you trust him to give you the truth?

aabh

I do know that he's been going to multiple meetings throughout the week since his relapse in June and has just signed up for a new treatment as well. There was an instance where he lied about something to me, which would be small if there was not that history of it and broken trust, and immediately told me he had lied. It's hard to say which it is, but I don't think it is the second scenario so much. He really wanted to meet my dad and his wife, but since it did not happen, he said it made him really insecure and not welcomed. My dad was sick and his wife had not prepared the house to her standards, but it just made him nervous I guess. I don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this ever. God help me.

trailmix

Has he gone back to Amsterdam?

You know, a relationship with an addict is nothing like a relationship with a non-addicted person.

The addict's first love is their drug of choice. It is a very self-centered type of life. Their first job/love is always the drug, finding it, using it then finding some more.

It's virtually impossible to hold up any kind of relationship under those circumstances.

He wants distance, I assume you are still broken up? I would surely back away from this.

Things like not being able to meet your Father and his wife, well things like that happen right? It's not that big a deal in the great scheme of things. Have you considered that getting right out of this relationship and taking care of yourself and letting him have his space might be the best thing for you?

I suspect his usage, based on what you have described is probably much more than you are aware of.

aabh

Yes, he went back on Monday night and that's when things went a bit bad on our way to the airport. He got really emotional about things and said he didn't know what he was feeling anymore, but worked it (so I thought) by the time we got to the airport. He called me on video before the flight took off and said he missed me already and was crying a bit. He said the next thing is for me to come back to Amsterdam next week. Then just yesterday is when he said he needed space to heal on his own and without pressure. He said he didn't want me to wait as he didn't know how long it was going to take.

To be honest, I have not thought about much as I am still in shock about it all. It's just happened so fast without any rhyme or reason. Would he still be considered a full addict if he's out of rehab and actively in recovery ? I know the craving are difficult to break and meth is a hell of a drug, but I feel confused.

trailmix

Well and addict will never not be an addict.

I think the easiest way to understand it is if you look at say, alcohol.

I assume you aren't addicted to alcohol and neither am I. You and I could go to lunch and say have a beer each and not think twice about it and off we would go.

An active addict would have a really hard time stopping at 1 and might even find it impossible.

An addict in recovery can never have a drink, not ever again. To do so would, eventually, put them right back where they are.

I'm speaking generally here of course, there are a few rare exceptions to that.

So your BF will never not be an addict. He can be in recovery which means being mindful to never, ever drug again.

Honestly, it sounds to me like he just wants to use. Two visits have had him breaking up with you then not wanting to and the other was - who knows what that was.

You have a guy here who is probably using and just can't tell you the truth. Plus he also has an addiction to sex, so he has cheated on you repeatedly. I don't know him but I don't understand at all what you see in this relationship for YOU.

aabh

That makes sense in terms of being an addict.

As for him probably wanting to use, maybe it is the case and that is very sad. Despite his previous (and potentially current) drug use, everything else with him and I work very well. There's been a lot of mutual support and encouragement that I did not quite get in the past from my previous relationships as well as an acceptance for who I am. I'am not saying my growth can be attributed to him, but being around him has made me grow quite a bit. Hard to explain that and it maybe sounds daft as well.

AnvilheadII

to me it doesn't sound like he ever really stopped using. the almost psychotic mood swings, the "panic attacks", the changing his mind every 30 minutes.

it also sounds like he spends a lot of time sleeping indiscriminately with other partners when he gets high. that tends to go with the territory. that means he puts his own health at great risk, but if you two have been intimate, YOURS as well.

none of this is good.......for you. none of this is what love looks like. this IS what active addiction looks like.

trailmix

Not really. I mean addiction is heavy duty stuff. If you have someone emotionally stable, you don't have the trials and tribulations.

Those are things we can learn from, for sure. If you decide to persue this relationship, if he doesn't actually get in to really solid recovery, 2 years from now those trials will be dragging you down too.

You can't really be around a person who is living another reality all the time without it affecting you. The life of a Meth/Sex addict is not your life experience, thankfully, so you can never be part of it (again, thankfully) and if he is not clean and sober and in recovery, it will never work, it will always be conflict.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. An addict will always choose the drug over you, you will always be secondary.

Actually, really, you don't know him as a person in recovery. You know him as a relapsing meth addict. The person who shows up after recovery and after therapy or rehab and a year or so living that life might be quite different.

aabh

Reading the replies is heartbreaking, but it's the possible harsh reality I guess. He did say that it was him and that it can't be good for me. He says that more healing needs to be done for him and me as well. I've been in therapy and doing a lot of reading throughout this. He said he's been stressed and dedicating so much time to others and he just doesn't know anything anymore and it is just perplexing. He said he felt like he let me down by having to breakup for now. I'm trying to pick myself up from this all as I stood by him this entire time.

trailmix

Yes it is, but it is the reality. If love could fix addiction, sober recovery would be a very quiet place.

It hurts but you will get past this, taking good care of yourself, doing what you enjoy, spending as much time as you can around trusted friends and family.

Have you stopped talking to him?

aabh

Thanks for this, trailmix. In the midst of this, I've wondered what I did and if it is me since things go well and then go south after meeting. He always used to say that I saw "bears on the road" and that I can sometimes be negative, but I had had enough and told him that he was the one that has been negative all along, choosing to only see the bad in a lot and wanting to be perfect and wanting everything to be perfect. He agreed with me on that.

He just says over and over that he's insecure. He's 43 and I am 33. He went to one of the top universities in the Netherlands for law and graduated, but found out he was not into it at the end. He joined a particular fraternity simply because of the status, according to him, but does not like the people. I've had a successful career so far and am in the process of starting a new business in the Netherlands as well as about to buy a house. That alone made him nervous because 1) he automatically assumed that I wanted him to move in which I never mentioned and 2) that he has not purchased a home of his own yet and has been living in the same place for the last 15 years while his club members and friends have found some type of success and are moving up. He said that he feels bad that he can't give me what I want, but again he's assumed that as I never asked him for anything. He's never asked me for anything and I haven't given him anything like money. A few small gifts, yes, but he has not been using me as I have not allowed that. He just puts a lot of pressure and expectations on himself, and others sometimes, that he or they could never live up to.

aabh

Well it just happened yesterday and we haven't talked today. We're still connected on Facebook and other social media, but I just disabled my account to take some space. There was a lot of crying from him on the video call. We said goodbye for now. I cannot tell you how much that hurt.

trailmix

Anvilhead, who posted above, made a really good post about that hesitancy by an addict to commit to a relationship, this was posted in a thread in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum:

Remember, he's not drugging at you, he's just drugging, it's what addicts do.

aabh

To add, I don't know if having a long distance relationship has helped things either. He said that it has been one of the adult relationship he has ever had and that he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's been getting to know himself more and more. After the breakup in July, he said his therapist asked why he broke up with me then and he said that it was because he was simply not ready yet. He said every time someone gets close, he wants to run and that I am the closest partner he's ever had.

aabh

Thanks for this. It makes sense. I get the sense that he really wants to commit, yes, but he's just terrified. He said he's possibly making the biggest mistake in his life right now, but that he really needs to focus on himself before he goes down.

aabh

I did mention on Sunday night or Monday morning, I believe, that I was afraid about him using again and he said that that was not something I needed to worry about. He got angry because he's said he's had to tell me over and over again that he wouldn't and that there is no one else at the moment. It's just weird.

trailmix

Drugs are number one to him, if you try to come between him and the drug you become the enemy.

You know, if you intend to be in a relationship, you really need to accept the person just the way they are. If that includes active addiction to meth and sex, then it does.

I mean little things can be changed, maybe they can be convinced to drink almond milk instead of regular or asked to remember to leave the toilet seat down.

You can't change someone (and really, why would you want to?) you can't control them, or the addiction.

You might find these articles helpful: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html