Just Beginning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Just Beginning
Hi. I am One Week into my journey. I had my last evening of alcohol One Week ago today.
I've been abusing alcohol for about 8 years. I started using it as a crutch after a rough divorce to ease the anxiety and grief. The last two years I've escalated pretty badly. I'm surprised my liver is still working. I'd say I was going through a 60 ounce of vodka every 3 days. I'd start after work and go until I blacked out every single night. I am definitely a functioning alcoholic - which is why I think I made excuses not to stop.
It's always been my dirty little secret. My friends and family have little clue about my problem.
The catalyst for me was burning a bridge with a new guy I met a few months ago. I decided to put the bottle down because in a black out drunken state I engaged in a text conversation with him that ended in me diving off a cliff with outrageous comments. I woke up the next morning filled with shame upon reading what I'd said. He'd already given me a chance prior- and I went and sabotaged what could have been a good thing.
It made me realize, in order to have a healthy relationship, I need to get healthy myself. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. I just don't like who I see in the mirror when I wake up every morning.
I quit cold turkey, which hasn't been easy. I also successfully quit cigarettes 2 months ago cold turkey- which gives me hope I can do this as well. It hasn't been an easy week. The first few days were surprisingly easy. I guess my resolve is wearing off because I'm not feeling as confident as I did a few days ago. That's why I looked to a forum for help. I've been fidgety after work and my days off trying to find replacement activities to avoid the triggers.
Thanks for listening. It helps just to write things down.
I've been abusing alcohol for about 8 years. I started using it as a crutch after a rough divorce to ease the anxiety and grief. The last two years I've escalated pretty badly. I'm surprised my liver is still working. I'd say I was going through a 60 ounce of vodka every 3 days. I'd start after work and go until I blacked out every single night. I am definitely a functioning alcoholic - which is why I think I made excuses not to stop.
It's always been my dirty little secret. My friends and family have little clue about my problem.
The catalyst for me was burning a bridge with a new guy I met a few months ago. I decided to put the bottle down because in a black out drunken state I engaged in a text conversation with him that ended in me diving off a cliff with outrageous comments. I woke up the next morning filled with shame upon reading what I'd said. He'd already given me a chance prior- and I went and sabotaged what could have been a good thing.
It made me realize, in order to have a healthy relationship, I need to get healthy myself. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. I just don't like who I see in the mirror when I wake up every morning.
I quit cold turkey, which hasn't been easy. I also successfully quit cigarettes 2 months ago cold turkey- which gives me hope I can do this as well. It hasn't been an easy week. The first few days were surprisingly easy. I guess my resolve is wearing off because I'm not feeling as confident as I did a few days ago. That's why I looked to a forum for help. I've been fidgety after work and my days off trying to find replacement activities to avoid the triggers.
Thanks for listening. It helps just to write things down.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
Welcome MissStranger,
Congratulations on making these decisions. There are a lot of resources here and also on youtube and on podcasts. I like to listen to podcasts when Im walking the dog or doing low level cardio like walking outdoors. Theres a lot of information out there and Ive found my recovery has been fortified by using as many of these tools as I can come across. Stay strong.
Congratulations on making these decisions. There are a lot of resources here and also on youtube and on podcasts. I like to listen to podcasts when Im walking the dog or doing low level cardio like walking outdoors. Theres a lot of information out there and Ive found my recovery has been fortified by using as many of these tools as I can come across. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I really like your post because of your concept of a healthy relationship and all that goes with it. Yes it really does help to write things down. It also helps to post here. This isn't easy! It is all too easy to think that one day should be just a little better than the next and not realize that minor setbacks are part of the process. Even if you know it will happen, it is always frustrating and confusing when it does happen. You are to be commended for what you are doing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, MissStranger,
i found quitting smoking and quitting drinking quite different. they “touched” me in different places, with booze really reaching deep.
the physical addiction part is done in a short while with both, and what comes after required something entirely different for sobriety.
engaging with others has been a big part of that for me.
confidence can come and go, but that need not translate into acting on non-confidence by drinking.
good to see you here; stick around and keep going.
i found quitting smoking and quitting drinking quite different. they “touched” me in different places, with booze really reaching deep.
the physical addiction part is done in a short while with both, and what comes after required something entirely different for sobriety.
engaging with others has been a big part of that for me.
confidence can come and go, but that need not translate into acting on non-confidence by drinking.
good to see you here; stick around and keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by fini 
i found quitting smoking and quitting drinking quite different. they “touched” me in different places, with booze really reaching deep.
the physical addiction part is done in a short while with both, and what comes after required something entirely different for sobriety.
the physical addiction part is done in a short while with both, and what comes after required something entirely different for sobriety.
This is a must that I kick this addiction, because if I don't, it's going to kill me. I wake up most mornings with scrapes, bruises, cuts. I've fallen off the stairs to my loft and gave myself a concussion. I've woken up in the bath tub with a ripped shower curtain on top of me. Most of the time I don't even know how I hurt myself. It's actually really scary.
I appreciate your words of wisdom.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Originally Posted by MissStranger
Thank you, that made me bawl. Just being able to say the words I have a problem- even if it's to strangers, is cathartic.
Dee is right about lots of support here. I've depended on it for the last 10 yrs. And the nice thing about SR is that it's always on, there's members from all over the world so there's always someone here.
Congrats on the first of many sober weeks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Congrats on one week I love how you said you are doing this for you. I found reading and posting on here daily to be very helpful. You should join the December class, it helps to have the support of others who are committing or recommitting to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Congrats on your one week!!! You can do this and life (and all of it's relationships) get so much better without alcohol.
I used to wake up filled with the same shame after doing God knows what after blacking out, you don't ever have to feel like that again.
SR is a magical place and I log on every night..it is what got me started on this journey!!!
What else are you exploring in order to stay sober? There are great programs like AA, which saved my life. If and when you are ready, go check them out, you will be welcomed with open arms like here.
Rooting for you. Glad you are doing this for you, that's the only way you can do this. Everything else falls into place after you put on your oxygen mask first.
Nic.
I used to wake up filled with the same shame after doing God knows what after blacking out, you don't ever have to feel like that again.
SR is a magical place and I log on every night..it is what got me started on this journey!!!
What else are you exploring in order to stay sober? There are great programs like AA, which saved my life. If and when you are ready, go check them out, you will be welcomed with open arms like here.
Rooting for you. Glad you are doing this for you, that's the only way you can do this. Everything else falls into place after you put on your oxygen mask first.
Nic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Thanks everyone. It really does help to be 100% honest about how dark my life has been behind closed doors.
Losing an important relationship due to my alcoholism was the catalyst- but not the fundamental reason for quitting. We were long distance- so it made it easy initially to hide my problem from him. When we saw each other, I was careful not to get overly out of hand by only stocking half the alcohol I'd normally drink in a night. However, you can't hide the monster from someone you speak to every night. He's not the first person I've driven away because of being a drunk. The silver lining in losing someone I cared deeply for because of my addiction is that it kicked me in the butt. Shame can be quite a motivator. Also, it made me realize I'm in no position to date and won't be for a long while.
It does make it hard to stay on course because I'm grieving (and that's a trigger of course).
I always prided myself in saying that I'm happy having alone time. This past week, being sober, I'm feeling lonely for the first time in 8 years. Weird huh? I thought I was strong and confident enough to enjoy my own company- when all along it was really just the alcohol that made me feel that way.
Losing an important relationship due to my alcoholism was the catalyst- but not the fundamental reason for quitting. We were long distance- so it made it easy initially to hide my problem from him. When we saw each other, I was careful not to get overly out of hand by only stocking half the alcohol I'd normally drink in a night. However, you can't hide the monster from someone you speak to every night. He's not the first person I've driven away because of being a drunk. The silver lining in losing someone I cared deeply for because of my addiction is that it kicked me in the butt. Shame can be quite a motivator. Also, it made me realize I'm in no position to date and won't be for a long while.
It does make it hard to stay on course because I'm grieving (and that's a trigger of course).
I always prided myself in saying that I'm happy having alone time. This past week, being sober, I'm feeling lonely for the first time in 8 years. Weird huh? I thought I was strong and confident enough to enjoy my own company- when all along it was really just the alcohol that made me feel that way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by NicLin
What else are you exploring in order to stay sober? There are great programs like AA, which saved my life. If and when you are ready, go check them out, you will be welcomed with open arms like here.
Nic.
Nic.
I'm exploring one on one counselling. I have a Dr's appt next Monday. I've also heard there is medication that can help. I may explore that depending on what my Dr. says. I'm not sure if a group situation would work for me. I think I'd be too embarrassed to be totally "vulnerable" in front of too many people. I don't know if you had the same trepidation before going or not?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
It's only been a week. Most people aren't through the worst of their cravings yet, so it's tempting to throw in the towel, but it's going to get better soon. It's the nature of alcoholic addiction that cravings subside in the absence of alcohol. You are not quite to that point yet.
Next comes a battle of wits with the alcoholic voice inside yourself, but it's not like having to muster all the will power in the world to overpower cravings. This is the part where you begin reason your way through the rest of your life using a collection of facts about alcoholism, which you can learn here. You will do this for the rest of your life, but it will become second nature.
It's good to have you here.
Next comes a battle of wits with the alcoholic voice inside yourself, but it's not like having to muster all the will power in the world to overpower cravings. This is the part where you begin reason your way through the rest of your life using a collection of facts about alcoholism, which you can learn here. You will do this for the rest of your life, but it will become second nature.
It's good to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Congrats on one week sober. I have been in that situation myself many times. The shame and the cringe the next day while your body/soul is still riddled with the residual of alcohol is awful. Toxic in every sense of the word. Keep going post here. I agree there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with ourselves or another when abusing alcohol.
Even when I did not act out and text ridiculous, self righteous, pompous angry texts I felt like I may of... always had the fear the next day.
I am sure this week you feel physically better and have the insurance/relief that you had another day sober.
Keep posting look forward to hearing about your sober journey
Even when I did not act out and text ridiculous, self righteous, pompous angry texts I felt like I may of... always had the fear the next day.
I am sure this week you feel physically better and have the insurance/relief that you had another day sober.
Keep posting look forward to hearing about your sober journey
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DriGuy
It's only been a week. Most people aren't through the worst of their cravings yet, so it's tempting to throw in the towel, but it's going to get better soon. It's the nature of alcoholic addiction that cravings subside in the absence of alcohol. You are not quite to that point yet.
Next comes a battle of wits with the alcoholic voice inside yourself, but it's not like having to muster all the will power in the world to overpower cravings. This is the part where you begin reason your way through the rest of your life using a collection of facts about alcoholism, which you can learn here. You will do this for the rest of your life, but it will become second nature.
It's good to have you here.
Next comes a battle of wits with the alcoholic voice inside yourself, but it's not like having to muster all the will power in the world to overpower cravings. This is the part where you begin reason your way through the rest of your life using a collection of facts about alcoholism, which you can learn here. You will do this for the rest of your life, but it will become second nature.
It's good to have you here.
This is the first time in 8 years I have been sober this long. The max I have ever made it is 3 days. If I can push past 30 days, I think that will get me out of the danger zone. That is my goal right now- 30 days, then reassess with a new goal.
It's funny, now that I'm not drinking the craving for cigarettes has come back in full force. Yikes.
I appreciate the support!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by MissStranger
If I can push past 30 days, I think that will get me out of the danger zone. That is my goal right now- 30 days, then reassess with a new goal.
I know it doesn't work that way for a lot of alcoholics, but 30 days is so huge that I don't see why forever should be out of reach for anyone that gets to 30 days. But when I quit, I was so disgusted with alcohol, and disgusted with myself too. There was nothing there that I wanted anymore.
I did have a fleeting thought at around 6 months that I could drink like a normal person, but I was alerted to look out for thoughts like that, and I only entertained the idea for a couple of seconds. That was followed by a shiver that went down my spine when I realized how logical that thought sounded. I can see why alcoholics so often feel they are well enough to have a drink again and end up back in the vicious cycle.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
Originally Posted by DriGuy
That's what it was for me. I pretty much had it in the bag at 30 days. I remember getting there, and saying to myself, "I never expected to actually see that." In truth, even before 30 days, I knew I was never going to have another drink and there was no regret in that. I absolutely didn't want another drink. I may have thought very early on that 30 days was a tentative goal that I would reassess when the time came. That goal was scrapped as soon as I realized I could make it for life.
I know it doesn't work that way for a lot of alcoholics, but 30 days is so huge that I don't see why forever should be out of reach for anyone that gets to 30 days. But when I quit, I was so disgusted with alcohol, and disgusted with myself too. There was nothing there that I wanted anymore.
I did have a fleeting thought at around 6 months that I could drink like a normal person, but I was alerted to look out for thoughts like that, and I only entertained the idea for a couple of seconds. That was followed by a shiver that went down my spine when I realized how logical that thought sounded. I can see why alcoholics so often feel they are well enough to have a drink again and end up back in the vicious cycle.
I know it doesn't work that way for a lot of alcoholics, but 30 days is so huge that I don't see why forever should be out of reach for anyone that gets to 30 days. But when I quit, I was so disgusted with alcohol, and disgusted with myself too. There was nothing there that I wanted anymore.
I did have a fleeting thought at around 6 months that I could drink like a normal person, but I was alerted to look out for thoughts like that, and I only entertained the idea for a couple of seconds. That was followed by a shiver that went down my spine when I realized how logical that thought sounded. I can see why alcoholics so often feel they are well enough to have a drink again and end up back in the vicious cycle.
This is how its been for me too.
I went shopping today and passing the alcohol I actually tried to visualize drinking it.
I wanted to gag and hurl.
I just feel disgusted when I see or smell it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome, MissStranger.
I agree - talking things over here makes a big difference. I had no one in my life to discuss my addiction with - everyone was a social drinker. I wasted so much time thinking I could use willpower to control how much I drank. Just giving it up would have been so much easier than the chaos I caused myself. When I first came to SR I was overwhelmed with the compassion & encouragement. I wasn't expecting to stay - but I have - and it means so much to me & helps me stay vigilant.
Congratulations on your 1 wk. + 1 day sober. That is wonderful.
I agree - talking things over here makes a big difference. I had no one in my life to discuss my addiction with - everyone was a social drinker. I wasted so much time thinking I could use willpower to control how much I drank. Just giving it up would have been so much easier than the chaos I caused myself. When I first came to SR I was overwhelmed with the compassion & encouragement. I wasn't expecting to stay - but I have - and it means so much to me & helps me stay vigilant.
Congratulations on your 1 wk. + 1 day sober. That is wonderful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I know it doesn't work that way for a lot of alcoholics, but 30 days is so huge that I don't see why forever should be out of reach for anyone that gets to 30 days. But when I quit, I was so disgusted with alcohol, and disgusted with myself too. There was nothing there that I wanted anymore.
I have to admit I too was wondering about being a normal social drinker at some point. I'm glad I've learned that's not an option.
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