Why can’t I feel relived?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Why can’t I feel relived?
It’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been reading the posts. I’m convinced that I’m better off without the XAF. I’m having the hardest time getting over myself when I remember my reactions ... attending Al-anon and therapy I’ve learned so much about myself and why I reacted the way I did. And after all I’m human too.
XAF always made me feel I was wrong for feeling a certain way, or disapproving his behaviors etc. I started to believe I was the problem, he even told me I had a problem.
im so mad at myself I let him drag me down like that, just so when I lost control of myself he broke up with me, two weeks after making so many promises and saying so many wonderful things about me, how much he needed me etc etc etc. he made me feel I was a coward for wanting to get out of a relationship with someone who had a disease. He only called it a disease when was convenient to him, otherwise it was just a drinking problem. And when I referred to it as a drinking problem, he would said that I told him it was a disease so I had to understand.
I shared the situation with some of my friends and mutual friends we have. Sad thing is that most of them think that I was the one who had a problem with him because he like to have a beer here and there. I didn’t insist explaining what alcoholism is, they don’t understand and that’s ok.
I can’t imagine myself in a relationship with anybody again, I think I’m traumatized. I’m 33 and this is by far the most painful situation I’ve been through. I’ve been through so much and I believed I was strong, but this is killing me.
His words “come on you never had a feeling that this relationship would never work?” ..... duh the whole time BUT I chose to believe you instead. He told me he felt relieved that he broke up with me, and why I don’t feel that yet? After all I tried many times to end things with him. I really feel embarrassed that I stayed until he is the one who breaks up making it seen that I cause all the problems.
I’m sorry I’m all over the place but writing makes me feel better and your comets gives me relieve and different perspectives.
thank you
XAF always made me feel I was wrong for feeling a certain way, or disapproving his behaviors etc. I started to believe I was the problem, he even told me I had a problem.
im so mad at myself I let him drag me down like that, just so when I lost control of myself he broke up with me, two weeks after making so many promises and saying so many wonderful things about me, how much he needed me etc etc etc. he made me feel I was a coward for wanting to get out of a relationship with someone who had a disease. He only called it a disease when was convenient to him, otherwise it was just a drinking problem. And when I referred to it as a drinking problem, he would said that I told him it was a disease so I had to understand.
I shared the situation with some of my friends and mutual friends we have. Sad thing is that most of them think that I was the one who had a problem with him because he like to have a beer here and there. I didn’t insist explaining what alcoholism is, they don’t understand and that’s ok.
I can’t imagine myself in a relationship with anybody again, I think I’m traumatized. I’m 33 and this is by far the most painful situation I’ve been through. I’ve been through so much and I believed I was strong, but this is killing me.
His words “come on you never had a feeling that this relationship would never work?” ..... duh the whole time BUT I chose to believe you instead. He told me he felt relieved that he broke up with me, and why I don’t feel that yet? After all I tried many times to end things with him. I really feel embarrassed that I stayed until he is the one who breaks up making it seen that I cause all the problems.
I’m sorry I’m all over the place but writing makes me feel better and your comets gives me relieve and different perspectives.
thank you
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Are you working the Al-Anon recovery program? The relief comes in many ways and there are many paths to recovery.
Baby steps.
"What's for dinner tonight?"
"Do a load of laundry."
"Leave something undone."
"Self-care is important."
"When's a good time for a meeting? When I think I need one and when I don't think I need one."
"A God box, gratitude list and taking new actions can create room for new thought processes."
Good luck and thanks for posting here!
Baby steps.
"What's for dinner tonight?"
"Do a load of laundry."
"Leave something undone."
"Self-care is important."
"When's a good time for a meeting? When I think I need one and when I don't think I need one."
"A God box, gratitude list and taking new actions can create room for new thought processes."
Good luck and thanks for posting here!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I went back & read your first thread from September 2019.
You were in a relationship with a guy addicted to alcohol. He was getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go drink. His own mother told you he needs help.
In my relationship I also was the one with the problem. She didn't have a problem. She didn't have a problem even though her life was a complete circus & had been so for many years. Still is. She wanted me to just accept her for who & what she was. Accept her constant circus.
These relationships are not normal in any way shape or form. Do not even try to apply rules of normal. Its all a jumbled up total mess. We become heavily emotionally invested in these twisted up relationships.
Its going to take time for you to heal from this crazy mess. How long I don't know but time away from it all will help you. Your young - 33! You have a long life ahead of you. It will get better for you just give it time.
PS doesn't matter what anyone else in your life thinks if you had a problem with his choices then that's ok your allowed (as am I)
You were in a relationship with a guy addicted to alcohol. He was getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go drink. His own mother told you he needs help.
In my relationship I also was the one with the problem. She didn't have a problem. She didn't have a problem even though her life was a complete circus & had been so for many years. Still is. She wanted me to just accept her for who & what she was. Accept her constant circus.
These relationships are not normal in any way shape or form. Do not even try to apply rules of normal. Its all a jumbled up total mess. We become heavily emotionally invested in these twisted up relationships.
Its going to take time for you to heal from this crazy mess. How long I don't know but time away from it all will help you. Your young - 33! You have a long life ahead of you. It will get better for you just give it time.
PS doesn't matter what anyone else in your life thinks if you had a problem with his choices then that's ok your allowed (as am I)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
When I'm reading your post it's all mind games he is playing. Now, is he some kind of evil mastermind that likes to play with people's emotions? Maybe. Or is he just an alcoholic who says whatever is convenient at the time to justify his behaviour? More likely.
In the meantime, you got to the be recipient of a bunch of quacking! If you really look at what he is saying, it's pretty meaningless.
"I am an alcoholic"
"I am not an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem"
Just looking at that. These are two conflicting statements. One is true and one is not. Do you know which is true? Does he? Does it matter?? Not really no, it's just - words, meaningless words.
Well the sad thing is (for him) he probably thinks you do have a problem! What is your problem? That you will not comply with every single thing he wants you to do - when he wants you to do it and how he wants you to do it.
It was probably not even very clear on any given day exactly what those things were. Always cook something a certain way and everyone enjoys it and suddenly that is not a good way, it should always be baked not fried!
Why are you taking your shoes off in the house? You should always take your shoes off in the house. Why can't we go out tonight, you're no fun. Why do we have to go out all the time, can't we just stay here and have a few drinks. I just want to be alone, I need time to recharge. You never come over anymore!
Quack, quack, quack.
As ridiculous as that all is, it's an ever-shifting sand. You cannot and never could make this work (as you said), there are no boundaries and nothing rational going on here - a relationship cannot work that way.
Why? He probably broke up with you because YOU were fed up with the status-quo and stopped playing along. No embarrassment to be had as I see it. Be grateful it's over. Someone had to stop the crazy. He could see you pulling away, so he decided to bail.
Its easy for him to mask his feelings, he has his drinks. You do not (thankfully!) so it might be uncomfortable and sad for a while. Your focus now, hopefully, will be taking care of yourself.
Do you actually miss him?
In the meantime, you got to the be recipient of a bunch of quacking! If you really look at what he is saying, it's pretty meaningless.
"I am an alcoholic"
"I am not an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem"
Just looking at that. These are two conflicting statements. One is true and one is not. Do you know which is true? Does he? Does it matter?? Not really no, it's just - words, meaningless words.
XAF always made me feel I was wrong for feeling a certain way, or disapproving his behaviors etc. I started to believe I was the problem, he even told me I had a problem.
It was probably not even very clear on any given day exactly what those things were. Always cook something a certain way and everyone enjoys it and suddenly that is not a good way, it should always be baked not fried!
Why are you taking your shoes off in the house? You should always take your shoes off in the house. Why can't we go out tonight, you're no fun. Why do we have to go out all the time, can't we just stay here and have a few drinks. I just want to be alone, I need time to recharge. You never come over anymore!
Quack, quack, quack.
As ridiculous as that all is, it's an ever-shifting sand. You cannot and never could make this work (as you said), there are no boundaries and nothing rational going on here - a relationship cannot work that way.
I really feel embarrassed that I stayed until he is the one who breaks up making it seen that I cause all the problems.
Its easy for him to mask his feelings, he has his drinks. You do not (thankfully!) so it might be uncomfortable and sad for a while. Your focus now, hopefully, will be taking care of yourself.
Do you actually miss him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Kokoro 
...out of breaking up with him.
I would be so mad if I didn't break up with someone like him first. The guy is clearly gaslighting you.
Please go no contact with him. You can't win here.
I would be so mad if I didn't break up with someone like him first. The guy is clearly gaslighting you.
Please go no contact with him. You can't win here.
I haven’t talked to him since we broke up. He went out with somebody else two days later, I haven’t even moved out yet at the time. Like you said I feel cheated!!! He made me think he really was ready to look for help. I stayed committed.
i read I e if your pats where you said you wonder if you should go back and take a chance to have a crazy life with you ex who is now in rehab, I felt the same way, I was convinced that this is how my life would be, I was aware what the future would be and still I would stay. How self destructive is that.
I know not being with him is the right thing, but I still feel awful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by trailmix
When I'm reading your post it's all mind games he is playing. Now, is he some kind of evil mastermind that likes to play with people's emotions? Maybe. Or is he just an alcoholic who says whatever is convenient at the time to justify his behaviour? More likely.
In the meantime, you got to the be recipient of a bunch of quacking! If you really look at what he is saying, it's pretty meaningless.
"I am an alcoholic"
"I am not an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem"
Just looking at that. These are two conflicting statements. One is true and one is not. Do you know which is true? Does he? Does it matter?? Not really no, it's just - words, meaningless words.
Well the sad thing is (for him) he probably thinks you do have a problem! What is your problem? That you will not comply with every single thing he wants you to do - when he wants you to do it and how he wants you to do it.
It was probably not even very clear on any given day exactly what those things were. Always cook something a certain way and everyone enjoys it and suddenly that is not a good way, it should always be baked not fried!
Why are you taking your shoes off in the house? You should always take your shoes off in the house. Why can't we go out tonight, you're no fun. Why do we have to go out all the time, can't we just stay here and have a few drinks. I just want to be alone, I need time to recharge. You never come over anymore!
Quack, quack, quack.
As ridiculous as that all is, it's an ever-shifting sand. You cannot and never could make this work (as you said), there are no boundaries and nothing rational going on here - a relationship cannot work that way.
Why? He probably broke up with you because YOU were fed up with the status-quo and stopped playing along. No embarrassment to be had as I see it. Be grateful it's over. Someone had to stop the crazy. He could see you pulling away, so he decided to bail.
Its easy for him to mask his feelings, he has his drinks. You do not (thankfully!) so it might be uncomfortable and sad for a while. Your focus now, hopefully, will be taking care of yourself.
Do you actually miss him?
In the meantime, you got to the be recipient of a bunch of quacking! If you really look at what he is saying, it's pretty meaningless.
"I am an alcoholic"
"I am not an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem"
Just looking at that. These are two conflicting statements. One is true and one is not. Do you know which is true? Does he? Does it matter?? Not really no, it's just - words, meaningless words.
Well the sad thing is (for him) he probably thinks you do have a problem! What is your problem? That you will not comply with every single thing he wants you to do - when he wants you to do it and how he wants you to do it.
It was probably not even very clear on any given day exactly what those things were. Always cook something a certain way and everyone enjoys it and suddenly that is not a good way, it should always be baked not fried!
Why are you taking your shoes off in the house? You should always take your shoes off in the house. Why can't we go out tonight, you're no fun. Why do we have to go out all the time, can't we just stay here and have a few drinks. I just want to be alone, I need time to recharge. You never come over anymore!
Quack, quack, quack.
As ridiculous as that all is, it's an ever-shifting sand. You cannot and never could make this work (as you said), there are no boundaries and nothing rational going on here - a relationship cannot work that way.
Why? He probably broke up with you because YOU were fed up with the status-quo and stopped playing along. No embarrassment to be had as I see it. Be grateful it's over. Someone had to stop the crazy. He could see you pulling away, so he decided to bail.
Its easy for him to mask his feelings, he has his drinks. You do not (thankfully!) so it might be uncomfortable and sad for a while. Your focus now, hopefully, will be taking care of yourself.
Do you actually miss him?
I really thing is all mind games and manipulation. I wanted to believe him and slowly lost track of reality. Later I just became angry every time he would do it again and again and again, that’s when I started to talk back, whatever he said I would say something back .... basically playing his games. And he would use it to point out how crazy I was acting. Because of course he always kept calm and act like whatever was happening wasn’t a big deal.
i really don’t miss him... i miss waiting for the promises he made....how self destructive is that, I know! But that’s is what I’m trying to get through. Is awful but is exactly how I feel. I also know all those promises was just to get me distracted. I still can’t believe he is this kind of person. What a situation to be in.
I just wonder if I will ever feel normal again. I will ever feel like I wanna meet someone and be able to trust. I grow up with a lot of trust issues, and the person who I trust to share my wounds promised me not to disappoint me. The day he broke up he said o e of the reasons is that I didn’t trust him! Well he said he didn’t drink for 22 days, but I went to out new garage that I kept very clean and found 56 empty beer bottles and 4 packs of beer and 3 bottles o hidden wine. I wanted to trust but how can I when someone lie to you while looking inside your eyes?!
I want to get through this, I wanna to feel better and truly enjoy life. All I’m doing right now is get through one day at a time, and I do t feel good. Is like I’m wasting my life.
thank you for your insight, I really like every time you reply you help me see something I was missing. Thank you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by HardLessons
I went back & read your first thread from September 2019.
You were in a relationship with a guy addicted to alcohol. He was getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go drink. His own mother told you he needs help.
In my relationship I also was the one with the problem. She didn't have a problem. She didn't have a problem even though her life was a complete circus & had been so for many years. Still is. She wanted me to just accept her for who & what she was. Accept her constant circus.
These relationships are not normal in any way shape or form. Do not even try to apply rules of normal. Its all a jumbled up total mess. We become heavily emotionally invested in these twisted up relationships.
Its going to take time for you to heal from this crazy mess. How long I don't know but time away from it all will help you. Your young - 33! You have a long life ahead of you. It will get better for you just give it time.
PS doesn't matter what anyone else in your life thinks if you had a problem with his choices then that's ok your allowed (as am I)
You were in a relationship with a guy addicted to alcohol. He was getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go drink. His own mother told you he needs help.
In my relationship I also was the one with the problem. She didn't have a problem. She didn't have a problem even though her life was a complete circus & had been so for many years. Still is. She wanted me to just accept her for who & what she was. Accept her constant circus.
These relationships are not normal in any way shape or form. Do not even try to apply rules of normal. Its all a jumbled up total mess. We become heavily emotionally invested in these twisted up relationships.
Its going to take time for you to heal from this crazy mess. How long I don't know but time away from it all will help you. Your young - 33! You have a long life ahead of you. It will get better for you just give it time.
PS doesn't matter what anyone else in your life thinks if you had a problem with his choices then that's ok your allowed (as am I)
I’m m trying to be patience about time, I know there is no short cut. Some days are harder then others. Makes me angry to be left in this situation while he is out there living life like nothing happened. And I get it he think is ok, he will never realize how deep he hurt me, and I’m trying to be ok with that too.
The last thing he told is that he feel relieved that we broke up, and he if he had to be mean so I would get out of our place he would, so I left and never said a thing to him again. All I want is to feel relieved too!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Mango212
Are you working the Al-Anon recovery program? The relief comes in many ways and there are many paths to recovery.
Baby steps.
"What's for dinner tonight?"
"Do a load of laundry."
"Leave something undone."
"Self-care is important."
"When's a good time for a meeting? When I think I need one and when I don't think I need one."
"A God box, gratitude list and taking new actions can create room for new thought processes."
Good luck and thanks for posting here!
Baby steps.
"What's for dinner tonight?"
"Do a load of laundry."
"Leave something undone."
"Self-care is important."
"When's a good time for a meeting? When I think I need one and when I don't think I need one."
"A God box, gratitude list and taking new actions can create room for new thought processes."
Good luck and thanks for posting here!
im not judging or criticizing the group. I feel sad sometimes that I never heard about Al-anon before, from all my researches in how to help the Alcoholic I never came across something that said I need help too, so I never had a chance to even do the right thing. And sometimes I lean that whatever I tried to do I what you don’t do! And that is hurtful even tho I didn’t know better. I feel guilty I didn’t know better! I am angry that his family knew about it but covered up everything while I was going through this all by myself.
anyways, I’m going through a lot of self destructive thinking and blaming myself even thou I know I did the best I knew and I had good intentions.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Nara
anyways, I’m going through a lot of self destructive thinking and blaming myself even thou I know I did the best I knew and I had good intentions.
This is not your fault. You had:
- The Alcoholic who is abusive and lies and manipulates
- The Family of enablers that shared no information with you
Right there you have a group of people and who are they all looking out for, the alcoholic.
At the same time, you are looking out for him too. It's what happens.
When there is an alcoholic in the group - the one with the sad "issue", what happens is a tornado of sorts. Everyone near to that person gets drawn to the tornado. The lies, the hiding, the stories, the sympathy (poor me, look at me, trying so hard and unable to quit drinking with all my problems).
The drama.
You didn't approve of his drinking or his behaviour. He obviously cared about you so he said - no problem, I will quit drinking!!
Well of course, he never did. His intentions might have even been good to start with but quitting drinking is serious stuff. It's withdrawal it's a commitment to never drink again and very few can do it successfully on their own.
Oh they may be able to put down the bottle, but getting in to recovery means unlearning all those horrible coping mechanisms they have used over the years (like getting mad at someone so they will leave your house or saying something so awful the person wants to leave!).
I hope the following will help with the thinking there is something wrong with you that you are going through now and also in the sympathy etc that you probably still have for him.
- He is very deep in to his addiction, based on your description.
- Alcoholics are not in their right minds. Not only when they are drinking, ALL the time, all day long every day. Alcohol at this level changes the brain and healing that brain only happens when they stop drinking (and it can take a while, years, although generally there is improvement the more time they don't drink).
So when you think, what about that time ex and I were talking about how great we are and he said how much he loves me. Well i'm sure he did - to the best of his ability - which is not the same as what you would expect in a "normal" relationship. His first love is alcohol, his second focus is himself.
On the surface it looks like oh, two days later he picks up some woman and he's out there having a good time, no problem! Don't be fooled by that. There is a reason he drinks, I'm sure he shared some of his demons with you? None of that has changed. He lives in his own world, drunk most of the time, numbing out feelings.
On the surface it looks like a good time. What he has found is a companion that doesn't care about his drinking - yet. Who isn't going to ask him to stop drinking - yet. Who he can hide the amount he drinks from - for now.
This is not about you and never was. You now know about addiction and although it is trial by fire this is valuable information.
You will heal. You will recover and you will go on to feel joy and happiness again. I understand being impatient but it just takes the time it does.
Al-Anon is helping in little ways, as you said, I hope you keep going, share you story with them, let them help you too.
You really need to circle the wagons and get all the support you can. Talk about this, talk to us as much as you need to.
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Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I am 61 years old, and perspective on life changes when you are my age.
Life is too short to put yourself through this. Does it really matter why it ended or whose fault it is? Things weren't going well anyway.
Yes it hurts. Yes it is painful. It does get better. Yes it takes time.
Then you can enter a healthy relationship where the major stresses you face are finding a restaurant to go to on Friday night and where to go for a walk on Sunday morning.
Life is too short to put yourself through this. Does it really matter why it ended or whose fault it is? Things weren't going well anyway.
Yes it hurts. Yes it is painful. It does get better. Yes it takes time.
Then you can enter a healthy relationship where the major stresses you face are finding a restaurant to go to on Friday night and where to go for a walk on Sunday morning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by HeadEast
I am 61 years old, and perspective on life changes when you are my age.
Life is too short to put yourself through this. Does it really matter why it ended or whose fault it is? Things weren't going well anyway.
Yes it hurts. Yes it is painful. It does get better. Yes it takes time.
Then you can enter a healthy relationship where the major stresses you face are finding a restaurant to go to on Friday night and where to go for a walk on Sunday morning.
Life is too short to put yourself through this. Does it really matter why it ended or whose fault it is? Things weren't going well anyway.
Yes it hurts. Yes it is painful. It does get better. Yes it takes time.
Then you can enter a healthy relationship where the major stresses you face are finding a restaurant to go to on Friday night and where to go for a walk on Sunday morning.
so true. And trust me I know all that!!!! I just wish I could skip the pain and keep going like nothing is bothering me, but is killing me. I feel empty... but duh, I also felt empty and lonely when I had someone right there next to me and constantly finding ways do get away from me so he could drink alone. I don’t know what is worse.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Nara
Your relationship is all abnormal & extremely dysfunctional (as was mine). Your not alone concerning how you feel today. Ive been there & SR is just full of similar stories. You've been caught up in trying to have a relationship with an addict. You've been chewed up & spit back out. There is nothing normal about it.
We all get to that stage where it is extremely difficult to be with them any longer but yet it sucks to be away from them. Its a viscous downward spiral.
Please go easy on yourself. You can get through this post relationship phase. You have a lot to sort out. It probably wont be easy but it is doable. Time away is your friend. This will get better for you.
Take care.
Your relationship is all abnormal & extremely dysfunctional (as was mine). Your not alone concerning how you feel today. Ive been there & SR is just full of similar stories. You've been caught up in trying to have a relationship with an addict. You've been chewed up & spit back out. There is nothing normal about it.
We all get to that stage where it is extremely difficult to be with them any longer but yet it sucks to be away from them. Its a viscous downward spiral.
Please go easy on yourself. You can get through this post relationship phase. You have a lot to sort out. It probably wont be easy but it is doable. Time away is your friend. This will get better for you.
Take care.
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I also felt empty and lonely when I had someone right there next to me and constantly finding ways do get away from me so he could drink alone.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=trailmix;7320140]
He did this so well, very feel times he would get mad, he would always make a little joke that he new would upset me, eventually yes I started to leave even if I was just going to sit inside my car for a few minutes. he never really called me names, or said thing that was heavily disrespectful, but he would say things that was offensive or he knew was hurtful to me anyways and then say I overreacted and he was just kidding.
He would always apologize for upsetting me the next day, or even right after.... and like you said yes “poor me I drank again, I hate myself, I can’t stop drinking, I wake up thinking about it”. Like I said convenience ... cus other times he said it was a drinking problem and that he wasn’t an alcoholic he just drinks too much, or when he starts he can’t stop.
For the longest time I was very patient, but after 3 years I got really angry because he uses the same excuses over and over and over to apologize for things he had just said he wouldn’t do again.
the more I write here, the more things make sense. He is just a good manipulator.
Oh they may be able to put down the bottle, but getting in to recovery means unlearning all those horrible coping mechanisms they have used over the years (like getting mad at someone so they will leave your house or saying something so awful the person wants to leave!).
He would always apologize for upsetting me the next day, or even right after.... and like you said yes “poor me I drank again, I hate myself, I can’t stop drinking, I wake up thinking about it”. Like I said convenience ... cus other times he said it was a drinking problem and that he wasn’t an alcoholic he just drinks too much, or when he starts he can’t stop.
For the longest time I was very patient, but after 3 years I got really angry because he uses the same excuses over and over and over to apologize for things he had just said he wouldn’t do again.
the more I write here, the more things make sense. He is just a good manipulator.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Seren
I was never married to active addiction, but I would think this would be worse. It has taken me a while to get to this place, but my attitude now is that if things don't work out--it's for the best. There are better plans for you with someone truly wonderful
When I look back on things that didn’t worked out the way I wanted in my life, I always feel thankful because something better happened. However, I only feel this way after going through painful things and then realize I didn’t have to feel so much pain.... but how can we just eliminate the pain? How can we immediately detach and let go? I’m giving it time and taking care of myself.... For the most part I’ve been ok, but some days the pain hits me again and just sits there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Nara, pain cannot be eliminated, only repressed. Anything we do to try to get rid of it only sends it into hiding, waiting to come back stronger than before, and maybe looking like something else.
It is not going to destroy you, it is going to make you stronger. Be kind to yourself and take good care.
It is not going to destroy you, it is going to make you stronger. Be kind to yourself and take good care.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Yes, I think as Sparklekitty said, it can't be got around, only repressed and that's not a good thing, awfully tempting though right?
I think, if you are in a dysfunctional relationship and it ends, you will grieve for a while, you will ruminate a bit (or a lot), you will cry, you will get angry. You will go over the insanity.
Getting over that last hurdle is hard.
I think this is where that waiting comes in - the time it takes to really move away from it.
I've actually been thinking about this lately and it seems to me that when you reach this point it is the point where you are near ready to get moving along. This is the time when that pain is not so great that it is on your mind all the time. So you start going out with friends, picking up your hobbies, looking after yourself more (as you always should!).
Then those people and those activities and your life start to fill in those pieces that seem to be missing.
It's like any big change. Say you moved house, you don't have the delivery guys drop off the furniture and boxes in the middle of the room and sit down and go ok, well here we are, onward!
You have to sort through it, put things where they belong. Make yourself comfortable and make choices about what to keep and what to get rid of and who to invite to your new place.
And you get happy.
I think, if you are in a dysfunctional relationship and it ends, you will grieve for a while, you will ruminate a bit (or a lot), you will cry, you will get angry. You will go over the insanity.
Getting over that last hurdle is hard.
I think this is where that waiting comes in - the time it takes to really move away from it.
I've actually been thinking about this lately and it seems to me that when you reach this point it is the point where you are near ready to get moving along. This is the time when that pain is not so great that it is on your mind all the time. So you start going out with friends, picking up your hobbies, looking after yourself more (as you always should!).
Then those people and those activities and your life start to fill in those pieces that seem to be missing.
It's like any big change. Say you moved house, you don't have the delivery guys drop off the furniture and boxes in the middle of the room and sit down and go ok, well here we are, onward!
You have to sort through it, put things where they belong. Make yourself comfortable and make choices about what to keep and what to get rid of and who to invite to your new place.
And you get happy.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Say you’re running and you think, ‘Man, this hurts, I can’t take it anymore. The ‘hurt’ part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand anymore is up to the runner himself.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
nara, trying to avoid or fast forward thru the natural emotional response of pain after a breakup, is like the addict looking for a quick fix. i see you trying to avoid the pain, but continuing to relive and rehash every element of the relationship, finding the places YOU went wrong, heaping blame on yourself, and thus creating the suffering.
NO ONE is a failure because a relationship with another human didn't work out. if it ends, however it ends, it is for the best for both people.
have you ever used the homemade concoction of vinegar and baking soda to try and clear a drain? EVERY time there will be a chemical reaction. it doesn't matter how long you keep the vinegar bottle and the box of baking soda sitting NEXT to each other in a cupboard - they will ALWAYS react to each other in a foamy hissing way, once they come in contact with each other.
so you had a three year relationship with someone and it came to an end. and there was a lot of dysfunction and games along the way. you DID try to break free many times. respect that. honor that. and that he was finally the one to pull the plug, be grateful. you are now free to move forward!
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
nara, trying to avoid or fast forward thru the natural emotional response of pain after a breakup, is like the addict looking for a quick fix. i see you trying to avoid the pain, but continuing to relive and rehash every element of the relationship, finding the places YOU went wrong, heaping blame on yourself, and thus creating the suffering.
NO ONE is a failure because a relationship with another human didn't work out. if it ends, however it ends, it is for the best for both people.
have you ever used the homemade concoction of vinegar and baking soda to try and clear a drain? EVERY time there will be a chemical reaction. it doesn't matter how long you keep the vinegar bottle and the box of baking soda sitting NEXT to each other in a cupboard - they will ALWAYS react to each other in a foamy hissing way, once they come in contact with each other.
so you had a three year relationship with someone and it came to an end. and there was a lot of dysfunction and games along the way. you DID try to break free many times. respect that. honor that. and that he was finally the one to pull the plug, be grateful. you are now free to move forward!
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