Been awhile
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Been awhile
i did something scary.
After months of assessing and checking in with myself, and prayer as I understand it to be, I decided that there were things in my life which I was “accepting I couldn’t change” which I actually could, and that those things were creating so much chaos that I needed to let them go.
Those things boiled down to one thing and that was my job.
It was incredibly high paying. (For me, and probably for many, but not all). I’m very clear that I will not easily find another job that pays as much, without changing objective conditions (like going to grad school) but I decided that the money wasn’t worth the effect on my life and my sobriety. The environment was the most toxic I’ve ever heard of, and it was all-encompassing. I couldn’t “clock out” if that makes sense. I was always “on call” and was witness to (and sadly complicit with) illegal things happening to others, and to me.
So after careful consideration, I walked away with a plan.
I’m grateful that I used the resources afforded me by this job, both tangible and intangible, to achieve sobriety despite all of the triggers and chaos that came with it. Also grateful to have not made this change right away, because it’s a massive change, suddenly not having a schedule set for me, and a dependable giant paycheck stuck in my bank account regularly.
I realized that I was self-medicating with stuff: buying things that had little meaning, because I could. Just because I can, does that mean I should? In the last month, I’ve cut my spending by 95%, and whilst I feel quite free, there’s a little tug of habit that is a little bit jarring.
But mostly, overwhelmingly, I feel free. I’m starting over, signing up for classes to go back to school, consolidating, being still with myself, spending much more time with the people who matter to me, deepening my life, being present with this new absence of hubris and false illusions of grandeur.
I’m three years and three months sober, and grateful.
xoxo-B
After months of assessing and checking in with myself, and prayer as I understand it to be, I decided that there were things in my life which I was “accepting I couldn’t change” which I actually could, and that those things were creating so much chaos that I needed to let them go.
Those things boiled down to one thing and that was my job.
It was incredibly high paying. (For me, and probably for many, but not all). I’m very clear that I will not easily find another job that pays as much, without changing objective conditions (like going to grad school) but I decided that the money wasn’t worth the effect on my life and my sobriety. The environment was the most toxic I’ve ever heard of, and it was all-encompassing. I couldn’t “clock out” if that makes sense. I was always “on call” and was witness to (and sadly complicit with) illegal things happening to others, and to me.
So after careful consideration, I walked away with a plan.
I’m grateful that I used the resources afforded me by this job, both tangible and intangible, to achieve sobriety despite all of the triggers and chaos that came with it. Also grateful to have not made this change right away, because it’s a massive change, suddenly not having a schedule set for me, and a dependable giant paycheck stuck in my bank account regularly.
I realized that I was self-medicating with stuff: buying things that had little meaning, because I could. Just because I can, does that mean I should? In the last month, I’ve cut my spending by 95%, and whilst I feel quite free, there’s a little tug of habit that is a little bit jarring.
But mostly, overwhelmingly, I feel free. I’m starting over, signing up for classes to go back to school, consolidating, being still with myself, spending much more time with the people who matter to me, deepening my life, being present with this new absence of hubris and false illusions of grandeur.
I’m three years and three months sober, and grateful.
xoxo-B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
I logged in for this one.
This is AWESOME.
This is what Im in the process of doing.
Cutting away "the sandbags" holding me down that are inauthentic and making me miserable.
New song, new story.
Enjoy creating your life anew
This is AWESOME.
This is what Im in the process of doing.
Cutting away "the sandbags" holding me down that are inauthentic and making me miserable.
New song, new story.
Enjoy creating your life anew
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by ShiftHappens 
I logged in for this one.
This is AWESOME.
This is what Im in the process of doing.
Cutting away "the sandbags" holding me down that are inauthentic and making me miserable.
New song, new story.
Enjoy creating your life anew
This is AWESOME.
This is what Im in the process of doing.
Cutting away "the sandbags" holding me down that are inauthentic and making me miserable.
New song, new story.
Enjoy creating your life anew
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. But you did it smart brother. You got to take carw of numero uno. And getting toxic crap out of tour life is one of them things I know I did. Kept me sober for 207 days so far. ✌
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
"So after careful consideration, I walked away with a plan. "
And those plans involved values that did not include getting wasted.
When your values and purpose trump your addiction, there is no addiction!
And those plans involved values that did not include getting wasted.
When your values and purpose trump your addiction, there is no addiction!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
I’m excited for you to figure out what’s next, and it sounds like you have your priorities 100% correct. I hope you’ll continue to check in and let us know how you’re doing.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
So glad to hear from you! You wrote one of my favorite posts on SR. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-cashier.html (Memories of the liquor store cashier))
For some reason, it always stuck with me. If that's an example of your talent I'm sure you'll do well at whatever you set out to do.
For some reason, it always stuck with me. If that's an example of your talent I'm sure you'll do well at whatever you set out to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Thanks, all.
I’m humbled by the beauty of recovery. The first thing is always staying sober. I wasn’t going to drink over the effects that work was having on my life, but I came to a place where I realized I wasn’t going to thrive, either. Therein, it was similar to the decision to stop drinking. I had to do it; I could see with clarity what the future was. Playing the tape forward I could see that this isn’t me in this movie. Because drinking is just not even a variable anymore, I was and am confident that I wouldn’t quit the job and then digress into excuses like the real problem was my job; I can drink again now etc etc.
Easy does it. First things first. One day at a time.
Lots to be grateful for this Thanksgiving day. My partner and I went out to see Frozen 2 in the movie theater with our niece and my in laws last night. My niece squealed with delight at the fun parts and cuddled up to me at the scary parts. After the movie I had no pressing after hour emails to be distracted from. The rest of the family is headed in but may be delayed due to the weather here in the Western part of the US. The wind howled last night and we lit a fire in the fireplace. Dinner may be moved to tomorrow depending on travel snafus. I won’t be excusing myself to take calls if that happens, because I never had a holiday or personal day where that didn’t happen.
In this kids movie we saw, there was a theme of the characters doing “the next right thing”. Very good advice.
I’ve never been one to ascribe to any one dogma or single way of practicing any kind of spirituality, and I won’t be. I’m not catholic won’t be catholic, nor was I raised catholic, but have become pretty smitten with many of the teachings of Saint Francis of Assisi. A Franciscan scholar by the name of Richard Rohr wrote a meditation that has been guiding me these past few months,
“The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better.”
I just love it. With the serenity prayer, (which anyone who isn’t comfortable with “god” can remove the “god” from) it feels like real truth for me.
Happy Thanksgiving! And for those not in the US, well happy Thanksgiving to you, too! The great thing about Thanksgiving is that gratitude doesn’t know borders, only healthy boundaries. ����❤️
bexxed
I’m humbled by the beauty of recovery. The first thing is always staying sober. I wasn’t going to drink over the effects that work was having on my life, but I came to a place where I realized I wasn’t going to thrive, either. Therein, it was similar to the decision to stop drinking. I had to do it; I could see with clarity what the future was. Playing the tape forward I could see that this isn’t me in this movie. Because drinking is just not even a variable anymore, I was and am confident that I wouldn’t quit the job and then digress into excuses like the real problem was my job; I can drink again now etc etc.
Easy does it. First things first. One day at a time.
Lots to be grateful for this Thanksgiving day. My partner and I went out to see Frozen 2 in the movie theater with our niece and my in laws last night. My niece squealed with delight at the fun parts and cuddled up to me at the scary parts. After the movie I had no pressing after hour emails to be distracted from. The rest of the family is headed in but may be delayed due to the weather here in the Western part of the US. The wind howled last night and we lit a fire in the fireplace. Dinner may be moved to tomorrow depending on travel snafus. I won’t be excusing myself to take calls if that happens, because I never had a holiday or personal day where that didn’t happen.
In this kids movie we saw, there was a theme of the characters doing “the next right thing”. Very good advice.
I’ve never been one to ascribe to any one dogma or single way of practicing any kind of spirituality, and I won’t be. I’m not catholic won’t be catholic, nor was I raised catholic, but have become pretty smitten with many of the teachings of Saint Francis of Assisi. A Franciscan scholar by the name of Richard Rohr wrote a meditation that has been guiding me these past few months,
“The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better.”
I just love it. With the serenity prayer, (which anyone who isn’t comfortable with “god” can remove the “god” from) it feels like real truth for me.
Happy Thanksgiving! And for those not in the US, well happy Thanksgiving to you, too! The great thing about Thanksgiving is that gratitude doesn’t know borders, only healthy boundaries. ����❤️
bexxed
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Awesome stuff. I'm not around these parts much, guess it's part of the sober/SR progression. But I log in now and then in the hopes of seeing posts like yours from people I recognize during my journey. Awesome stuff Bexx. Keep it moving and keep us in the loop.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Another great post Bexxed! When I first got sober I told myself I just needed to focus on making the next healthy/good decision for myself, it’s kind of become a way of life for me. Mindfulness is a big part of my recovery, and it kind of goes along with that thinking.
I hope you got to enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner, whether it was Thursday or Friday.
Looking forward to hearing where your journey takes you next!
I hope you got to enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner, whether it was Thursday or Friday.
Looking forward to hearing where your journey takes you next!
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