Update! I had a baby!

Old 11-26-2019, 10:32 PM
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Update! I had a baby!

Hi everyone, it's been I while since I've posted here! I just wanted to let you know that I had my baby mid October! I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy at home in a water pool! He's such a content perfect wee guy and I'm so very happy 😍

I'm still with Abf.... Still living separately.... But set to move in with him this weekend. For the past month he's been busy refurbishing his flat. It's an old Victorian tenement flat and needed a lot of work so he's been busy installing new windows and radiators, sanded down the original wooden floor boards, painting, plastering, insulated the walls and the attic, fixed the fireplaces.... He wants the place to be perfect for us for Christmas and he's doing all the
​​​​​work himself to save money.. He's been at it day in day out and the place is looking fab. He still drinks but has "cut down".

Meanwhile I've been taking full care of our son in my home which I share with flatmates. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and baby feeds round the clock, every hour! It's exhausting but I'm enjoying every second with him 😍 ....when abf visits, he cleans, makes dinners, changes nappies. When he's physically here he's been a great help but as he works full time and at work in the evenings on the flat, I've been on my own most of the time and felt a bit like a single parent. A very capable single parent mind you! And it's been giving me a lot of space to think....

​​​​​​As much as I appreciate what he's doing.... All kinds of emotional stuff and history has been coming to the surface.... and I feel quite different about things.... I still love him but I'm wondering if maybe I'd be happier finding my own place with my son as I'm feeling apprehensive about living with him again. I would love the practical support by living together but I'm also feeling
​​​​​​fiercely protective of my son and won't stand to be mistreated again....In abf's own way, he is trying his best.... And yet I'm not sure his best is good enough anymore... But it's confusing as I also love the deeper connection I feel with him now due to having our baby together... I still enjoy his company too ... I just fear the arguments .....

The main benefits of living together are:

The help I'll get in the evenings and weekends, giving me the chance to get much needed breaks; we can be a great team when we're both positive. The opportunity to save a good bit of cash; it'll be nice to have my own space and no longer share with flatmates; he's making the back room a studio for me... Studio / sanctuary space.to work ; and then there is the overall hope i feel that we will be a happy family....

The cons/fears are:
the way we typically clash.... Bad memories ... resentments.... Broken trust...

Hmm, helps to write here... it would be good to get your insights SR x thanks!
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Old 11-26-2019, 10:48 PM
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Congratulations! That's wonderful news Surfbee, so happy to hear you and baby are doing so well. A Son! Just terrific news.

So many changes for you in such a short time!

Hey you know, if you are feeling apprehensive about anything, you don't have to make any big decisions right now. Maybe slow it down? Once everything is fixed up at your bf's place you can spend more time there but still keep your own place for a while, see how you are feeling? Spend a few days there here and there and see how it feels to you?

Just a thought as you sound so happy I would hate to think of you being hurt right now. Yes an argument is one thing, an argument when you are holding a baby is another thing.
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Old 11-26-2019, 11:59 PM
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Surfbee…..Congratulations on the birth of your son! So wonderful that the birth went well and the baby is healthy and content!
How I relate to the being tired....but, as we all know, it just comes with the territory with a newborn.
I do think it is good that he is bonding with the baby...because, no matter what turns out...he will still be a parent....and, you will still be co=parents....

I can imagine the kind of pull that you are feeling….especially, at this time....with a newborn....the specter of a beautiful home and the help of a partner has got to be a powerful draw. It does sound near perfect...except...except, for the alcoholism.

I think that Trailmix has a reasonable idea of seeing how it goes. Considering that you and baby will need a while to pace yourself and get your necessary rest in tis post=partum period. And, since it sounds like he is behaving well, at this time.
At least,it will be nice to have some happy memories surrounding your son's birth....no matter how things turn out, down the road....Those memories will be with you for the rest of your life....AS long as he is behaving well!
It would be nice to have your own place, that you can retreat to, if it becomes necessary....

I think it would be a good idea to have a therapist or counselor....someone who can guide you through this time of making some tough decisions. That way, you would not feel so alone in making these kinds of decisions....

Again...Congratulations!!
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Old 11-27-2019, 08:51 AM
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Hi Surfbee,

Congratulations -- huge accomplishments in motherhood include putting the child's needs before our own.

The idea of going from your own safe nest into deliberately moving in with an alcoholic who doesn't yet have solid long-term recovery sounds like one that is best explored from a distance of pausing, stepping back, enjoying each day, gathering up & reaching out into a wide support network and first working on creating the life you want for yourself and child.

The frog in the water analogy comes to mind:

As the story goes, researchers found that when they put a frog in a pan of boiling water, the frog just quickly jumped out. On the other hand, when they put a frog in cold water and put the water to boil over time, the frog just boiled to death. The hypothesis is that the change in temperature is so gradual, the frog does not realize it’s boiling to death.

Often the lack of trust and engagement creeps up on us. We don’t even feel it coming. We just know something smells funny. Often we’re not sure what to do about it. We’re not even sure whether it’s our job to do something about it.
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Old 11-27-2019, 09:25 AM
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set to move in with him this weekend.


Can you continue to live where you are? Sometimes simply giving ourselves the gift of extra time and our own space can bring great comfort, joy and clarity.

"Qué alegría es celebrar a este hermoso niño que está aquí. Felicidades."

Often there are more options available than first seems possible.

Are you and baby able to spend much time outside lately?




/Edit --

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?

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Old 11-27-2019, 09:47 AM
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This makes me nervous. It’s great he’s taking part but 1) once you move in, and he is back to having you in his natural habitat, things could change a LOT, and 2) it’s bound to get worse over time whether or not you are there. I speak from experience when I say it is SO HARD to move a child out of a home with another parent, even if it gets bad, because of the disruption. Additionally, if things don’t go great or get bad in a few years or whatever, you have now be sharing custody the whole time (instead of you being the sole custodial parent) and you will have a much tougher time later proving only you should have custody if you need to do that. Lastly, you cannot trust an alcoholic who is drinking to be sober while he is responsible for the kid. You just can’t. So even if you get “help” it won’t be actual competent child care.

I totally understand the deeper bond, and it’s wonderful he comes over and helps you. If I knew you in real life, I would literally beg you not to move in until he is sober. Actual sober, for at least a year. Single parenting is hard but it is nothing compared to parenting with an active alcoholic or leaving him once you cohabitate. I have done all these things and single parenting is by far the easiest, healthiest, and safest for me and my kid.
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Old 11-27-2019, 09:59 AM
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Oh my gosh I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful and I am so happy for you and am glad you are enjoying your time with your little bug
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Old 11-27-2019, 10:34 AM
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Congratulations!!

If he is still drinking, I'm not really sure how much help he is realistically going to be. Do you see him becoming resentful that he's can't drink whenever he wants with you and his son there? Does he get drunk enough that he wont be able to wake up in the middle of the night to help? Are you going to be okay with letting him drink--or are you going to try to get him to stop? Or are you hoping the child will be enough of a "reason" for him to stop?

I would just be cautious about all of this and take it very slow. And it might also be harder legally to claim sole custody if you move in with him. That might not be a big deal to you right now, but it might be the bane of your existence in a few years when all you want is to protect your child from an alcoholic father
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Old 11-29-2019, 08:23 AM
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Congratulations! Those first few months are so precious. Enjoy every exhausting moment, they fly by!

Trust your instincts Surfbee. They are even more highly sharpened now that you are a parent. Listen to them.

*hugs*
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Old 12-02-2019, 08:41 AM
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Hi Surfbee! Congratulations on your sweet son! It is the most special time, enjoy every second.

As far as living together, I guess my thought is that if you start out living on your own, you really do get usto it. Raising babies is no walk in the park lol. As time goes on it's a lot. Would he cave under the stress of it all if you live together? Just something to think about.

Only you can decide of course. In the mean time, I hope you enjoy that sweet baby!
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Old 12-03-2019, 10:17 AM
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Hi Surfbee,

We're here to support you in whatever ways we can.

Did you move in over the weekend as you first wrote about?
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Old 12-18-2019, 11:40 PM
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Hi, I'm so sorry I didn't respond... So many helpful.and supportive comment here, thanks... I appreciate this... To update you further, I
​​ moved in a couple of weeks ago. But I kept my own previous flat tenancy going in my name (currently subletting) .... so if needed we can move back in at a month's notice.

I wanted to give it a go here with baby's dad. There are good moments and not so good. I struggle with him at times. I don't want to go back to sharing a flat with flatmates. I would rather find a place of my own with my son. But for now, we are trying to make it work and he's being a good father and.a good practical support. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm.good and loving every moment with my baby boy 😍

As for my delays in writing here ... I find I can't always get my head in the space to sit down and type about one particular issue... life gets hectic and things change a lot.... I also tend to analyze to the point I see multiple perspectives .... And so I try to gather all the info I need and figure out things for myself at own pace.. But really appreciate people here and all the wisdom shared.. I want to stick around here x
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Old 12-19-2019, 02:24 AM
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Surfbee…..So good to hear from you! And, the wonderful precious time with your newborn son.....
If his dad is being good practical help--which I know you need, at this time---I think it is good bonding time for him and the baby....which is very important going forward, no matter what happens.....
It sound, to me, that you have a good handle on things...even if things are not exactly perfect.....
I think you will be fine...…
Yes!! Do stay around, because there are so many newbies that will benefit from your experience (s)…….
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Old 12-19-2019, 09:38 AM
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Hi Surfbee! I'm glad you posted, I have been wondering how you and baby are getting on!

As dandylion said, the practical help alone is really helpful for you and of course the bonding can't hurt!

I completely understand you wanting a place of your own with your Son, that would no doubt be ideal and I hope you get that when you can/are ready.

On a more? practical level, I was just thinking, you know how people can be involved with an alcoholic and say, I wish I knew then what I knew now. I don't know if you have already researched Adult Children of Alcoholics but it certainly can't hurt to pick up a book or two or even just google some stuff, lots of good information there. It's just a way to be aware and run interference? Not that the baby cares just yet lol
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Old 12-31-2019, 09:04 PM
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Thanks Dandylion and Trailmix, I appreciate your insights very much. I have ordered that book Trailmix 👍 And so far all is well here! Happy new year to you both and everyone x x
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Old 12-31-2019, 09:35 PM
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Happy new year surfbee!
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Old 12-31-2019, 11:50 PM
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Happy New Year Surfbee,

Congratulation on your baby boy. It sounds like you and the baby are doing good. I hope it will stay that way. I know your plan is to move in to the place you Abf is fixing up. But you also have to look at the big picture. You are posting here because of your Abf has a problem with Alcohol. Yes he is drinking less, but is he also getting help. You need to take it slow and not rush into decisions . Communicate with him what you expect from him.

I hope you have a great start to the new year and keep being strong for you and that new baby boy. Once again congrats.
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Old 01-01-2020, 07:05 PM
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Thanks Ironwill!

​I've communicated to him that i want him to be a good dad and a good dad means also being respectful and kind to the mother of his son. I want respectful conversation, no swearing or raising voices. I want our son to look up to us as people who are loving and kind and strong individuals who do not suppress harmfully but process intelligently. ​This is what I ultimately aspire to do. I'm not sure Abf will live up to what I want, in fact I highly doubt it, but right now he's treating me well and putting on a good show. He declared at Christmas that he wants to not drink at all and his first goal is to go two months of abstinence. Even if he does so successfully I'm not naive to what will happen beyond those two months. I understand his battle is lifelong and there's nothing I can do to fix it so I won't.

​​​My son is priority now, over him, over everything, and Abf knows this. He knows I'm capable of raising our son alone. He knows my focus is no longer on abf. And I sense his fear of us leaving. Right now his support is good though and right now I am working towards saving money and completing a big work project. I don't need him but living here is helpful - right now. One day at a time is how I'm taking things basically.

Thanks for your reminder to be strong for my son ♥
​​​​​
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Old 01-01-2020, 08:35 PM
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Surfbee,

I'm glad you have put your boundaries out for you Abf. Is he getting help with be abstinence for the next two months. Those first few months are the hardest and it's when people fall off the wagon the most. This is his journey, so this should give you more time to focus on the new baby boy.

I'm glad you have a plan "B" if things don't work out for you at you Abf place. I hope that they do go good for you there. But you can't relie on hope. It take constant communication and honesty.

Once again have a great day. I hope you are getting plenty of rest. And as always Keep being strong for you and your son.
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Old 01-05-2020, 11:37 AM
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Congrats SB. Prayers for your future.
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