faith823

Attempted to go for a walk. Its been dark/cold rainy. Today warmer and sun is shining. I felt like spring fever..I can not describe it- like I should let my guard down and relieve some emotional pain. I had this overwhelming desire to go get some vodka.
I felt the exhilarated at the prospect of feeling buzzed. Feeling like losing/my job/apartment/BF/friends is no big deal. I can quit again and get close to "only" 30 days come Christmas. I "know" I can escape today and start my recovery Jan 1st- The beginning of my new sober life.
Well I thought of this board and just got a soda at the store and walked home. I think it has passed. I hate this feeling because no matter how determined I am not to drink. These overwhelming thoughts/feelings come to my mind. It is a dangerous slippery slope.
I think I have been struggling these cravings /thoughts have keep happening. Its a really big deal that I managed to not go into that liquor store.

biminiblue

Good job. The more you do that the easier it gets.

Those thoughts are annoying. That's all they are though - annoying thoughts.

The drinking thoughts are not going to go away so I made peace with them.

"Uh huh. A drinking thought. I don't drink."

I can acknowledge it and close the door. I don't have to invite it in for tea.

HeadEast

Those feelings are fairly normal and definitely get worse as we go into the holidays. Congratulations for not drinking. Speaking of. spring fever, I am pretty much done with winter. Bring it on.

Bonniefloyd

faith823

Yeah seriously about Spring fever- If I drank I would most definitely be waking up to freezing rain and a massive hangover , posting if I am lucky-Day one again.
Don't drink no matter what I can do this.

Auchieshuggle

That has been my thought pattern since I really realised I had a problem, seventeen years ago. I am currently on day 15 (or two weeks' sobriety). I used to 'quit for good' for a few days, only to have a drink and then I would sit in the pub (sometimes alone) and fantasise about my new sober life, and all the great accomplishments this would bring - I would be fit, healthy, happy, prosper financially thanks to promotions, etc - whilst getting drunk. I would tell myself that it was the last time, or perhaps I had a week left until my new quit date (a birthday, Easter, April Fools' Day, summer solstice, New Year's Day, etc) and then use that as an excuse to get totally drunk. One of my friend's said to me last year as I told him of my plans on the way to the pub, "oh, so we are celebrating your sobriety again, then?" My point is that I was a fantasist. Tomorrow never comes. It's procrastination.

The thoughts were not irresistible, as you did not capitulate. Well done! I think we need to be honest with ourselves.

I have just had two weeks' hellish withdrawal, and it's not finished with me yet. I think this might be the Big Man's way of getting me sober, and giving me another chance. I have discovered my local church has a recovery group, where services are dedicated to recovery from addictions. It all seems providential, and for the first time in a while I'm feeling hopeful. I will pray for you.

faith823

Thank you so much Bonnie. I want to keep going. I hate lying to myself. That is exactly what I am doing. It took a lot of pain/humbleness/tears/soul baring to get to these 31 days.
I try to discount it so quickly when I want a 45 minute artificial buzz.

letsdance

That's how i feel. It always happens. Some time goes by without drinking, i feel GOOD so i think aww what the heck you can have some drinks, just start over no big deal. But dangit it is A BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. Proud of you for just getting a soda. Keep it up! I figure the more time that passes the better it will be and i wont feel that longing for a drink but what do i know?...

ThatWasTheOldMe

Those hangovers start turning into withdrawals and potential seizures.

Alcohol is VERY bad for your nervous system - it's essentially a neurotoxin, that due to countless generations of evolution, our liver has learned to break down into acetic acid (vinegar) which our cells then use for fuel. This is also one of the reasons that drinking alcoholically (especially without eating) is very bad for your body as a whole - it can't live off vinegar. If a person does that for too long, he or she is likely to develop alcoholic ketoacidosis which can be life threatening.

Drinking alcoholically taxes every system in our bodies - and makes us feel horrible shame, regret, remorse, etc at the same time. All for a buzz? Hardly worth it.

Very well done buying that soda. Thank you for your post.

faith823

OH YES! how many times at sat a bar alone "with my book" . Ceremoniously lifting the glass- to my last drink EVER<
your post made me chuckle. April fools day- yeah the ex BF birthday from 20 years ago- that will be a great Sobriety date.
I think the local church recovery group will do wonder for support.
My withdrawals are awful as well. It really is one of the most uncomfortable experiences I have ever been through withdrawing

faith823

The beauty of it is for me is that you do KNOW and I am not alone

Thank you for your support.

faith823

Thank YOU! very much for your post. This is why I needed to post right away to receive responses such as this.

Auchieshuggle

Did you, or are you still, suffering from a lot of anxiety? Mine is beginning to subside, but it has been nightmarish and due to the fear of 'kindling', I think I might stay off the booze this time. I truly hope so. I think you should perhaps write about the withdrawal and reflect on it, it should help remind you what this poison does to our bodies.

The Recovery Church is 120 strong, apparently!

You seem to know a lot about alcohol and its effects. What supplements, if any do you recommend? I'm currently taking Vitamin B, milk thistle and magnesium.

faith823

I should write out the withdrawals again. I have in the past- it is the reflecting on it that I need to practice.

I just realized my initial thought to purchase Alcohol was three hours ago.
This time has gone by relatively quickly believe it or not. I am still Sober
Thank goodness. I know that if I gave into the craving I would be back on my way to get more- I know for a fact. My whole system screw up from the effects.

I plan on getting to a meeting later. Not doing much today but if I maintain my sobriety I will accomplish something. My anxiety has diminished. I try and let anxious thoughts go. I am trying to keep it in a day. This seems to help. I have low energy. I think it is the new SSRI

biminiblue

I found it really helpful for me to write and rewrite my story and my reactions in various threads on this site. It's one of the reasons we say, "Post!" It not only helps someone else, it reminds me - daily - of my decision.

snitch

I know that feeling. The monkey on your shoulder. After everything alcohol has done to me, if I start to think that a drink is a good idea then I am insane. I need my HP to restore me to Sanity. I pray, please God do not let me pick up a drink. Restore me to sanity. THINK THINK THINK that first drink all the way through to the bitter end. Put in some ACTION... get to a meeting, call your sponsor or another alcoholic, post here on SR, get out of self by helping someone who needs help. Anything but drink. Sometimes I had to tell myself , just today.. I won't drink today. If I still want to drink tomorrow then I can drink tomorrow but not today. Today I will get my head on my pillow sober.

I am 19 months sober and yesterday I could feel the obsession to drink starting to return. I actually walked past some homeless people and one girl was swigging wine from a bottle and I felt a pang of ENVY because she was drinking. I mean wtf??? That is the insanity of alcoholism. I turned it around and thanked my HP that that isn't me today because I have no doubt where I will be headed if I pick up a drink. Homelessness, prison, mental institute or death. For sure. The way I drank. THANK GOD I am sober today, I have a HP, I have AA and SR and I have fellow alcoholics who I can share my insane thoughts and feelings with lol.

30 days is absolutely amazing. You are doing all the right things. Keep going and don't listen to your head !

🙏❤🙏❤

snitch

Oooh and don't forget the Serenity Prayer. I said it over and over and over every time I wanted to drink when I was in the early days, weeks and months.

faith823

Thank you so much for your words.

Yes step 1/2/3 daily will help keep me sober.

I have also experienced the envy and insanity of these thoughts.

Congrats on your Sobriety. Such an inspiration.

joe801

Temptation, everyone that has been or will be they will experience temptation.

I stopped for fuel on my way home today, everyone and their grandmother was buying booze. I don't have a problem with it, I do believe people with "drinking problems" aren't accurately numbered and accounted for. I really do believe millions have planned out a four or five day binge over the holiday simply to dull senses and escape, I don't want to sound narcissistic but that's below me today and hopefully all days.

Congratulations on resisting the lure.

Dee74

The thing is -alcohol does nothing for emotional pain.

the best it can do is push it to one side for a while and even that stops working after a few years.

Its like being stuck in a loop - we push the pain to one side, it comes back and we need more alcohol to numb ourselves next time.

emotional pain can be managed even healed - but it might take a little longer than 30 days faith

hang in there - stay with us

D