Why?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 67
Why?
To explain how I got here is complicated. I will try to simplify it, the way I do to myself, when I whisper excuses in my own ear.
1) I was 25 when my husband died of cancer.
2) My daughter was 6 when she asked me "Who is going to be my Dad now?"
3) I was 26 when I started drinking my life into oblivion.
4) I am 34 and life hold’s no meaning to me.
I have provided her the life of a princess, but she still craves a father who is dead. I too am dead inside. Isn't life just wickedly cruel? Why do we bring children into this nonsense? It seems selfish in retrospect.
1) I was 25 when my husband died of cancer.
2) My daughter was 6 when she asked me "Who is going to be my Dad now?"
3) I was 26 when I started drinking my life into oblivion.
4) I am 34 and life hold’s no meaning to me.
I have provided her the life of a princess, but she still craves a father who is dead. I too am dead inside. Isn't life just wickedly cruel? Why do we bring children into this nonsense? It seems selfish in retrospect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm so sorry for your loss, Giggler. That would put anyone into a tailspin. But since you found SR you must know that drinking is only making things worse. I realize it's not the same but I got divorced around that age and it was a devastating blow; I sought refuge in the same place you did, the bottle. It did not help. Instead of helping me cope it just froze my pain like a bug in amber. It made me unable to really process my feelings and move on it. It didn't let me cope, it just allowed me to kick the can down the road.
We're here for you if you want to talk.
We're here for you if you want to talk.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Giggler
I'm sorry for your loss and your daughters loss too.
Don't you think tho it's more important than ever for daughter to have a parent she can rely upon 24/7?
I'm not calling you a bad mother and I'm not suggesting you don't have legitimate reasons to feel sad - but your daughter's a child - the craving for her father as you describe it - might be a wish for a stability neither of you have right now because of your addiction and your grief.
You're free to tell me to bugger off or that I have a lot of cheek to say these things to you.
It's true I'm not a parent, but I remember being a child wanting to rely on the adults in my life and not being able to (not alcoholics but because they were permanently emotionally unavailable)
Both you and your daughter deserve more
There are things you both can do to move through your grief.
If you haven't considered it already, maybe counselling may help you both?
D
I'm sorry for your loss and your daughters loss too.
Don't you think tho it's more important than ever for daughter to have a parent she can rely upon 24/7?
I'm not calling you a bad mother and I'm not suggesting you don't have legitimate reasons to feel sad - but your daughter's a child - the craving for her father as you describe it - might be a wish for a stability neither of you have right now because of your addiction and your grief.
You're free to tell me to bugger off or that I have a lot of cheek to say these things to you.
It's true I'm not a parent, but I remember being a child wanting to rely on the adults in my life and not being able to (not alcoholics but because they were permanently emotionally unavailable)
Both you and your daughter deserve more
There are things you both can do to move through your grief.
If you haven't considered it already, maybe counselling may help you both?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hey there my friend . sorry you are going thru these motions . but all that aside. The time is now more than ever to get on your funtions feel me. Yo baby girl need a good strong mama. You can do this leave the sauce alone I promise you .you will be so more able to take care of your situation. Lets get that mind cleared up .✌
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Why? I can answer this one from personal experience. Because life isn't fair. Cancer is the great taker. At least with heart disease and other degenerative diseases one gets to live at least say 50+ years. Not cancer. It takes away our loved ones at any age. I am really sorry for your loss. I wish I had some wonderful encouraging saying to make it all better but all I have is my shared pain to offer you.
"I have provided her the life of a princess."
Then hold your head high. You have done the best you can do given the circumstances. I hope you can remain sober today. One day at a time.
"I have provided her the life of a princess."
Then hold your head high. You have done the best you can do given the circumstances. I hope you can remain sober today. One day at a time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
I'm very sorry for your and your daughter's loss. You are both grieving and it's obviously a very said situation. I wonder if you have a grief or cancer support group in your area? I would also suggest reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, which gives an excellent description of the grieving process and could be helpful to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I'm so sorry for the lose of your husband. And you will get no argument from me that life is wickedly cruel. I lost the love of my life at twenty eight and it's coming up on the anniversary of that. It's been a long time ago, but still I grieve.
Her lose set me into a tailspin of around the clock drinking that lasted a long while.
I felt for a long time that life had no meaning for me, too. I was despondent beyond what I could barely bare mentally.
This many years later and still I grieve.
But my love never liked my drinking. She knew I am an alcoholic. She put up with me.
Fortunately there were no children involved.
I just want to let you know you're not alone.
I still have a hole in my heart, but I stopped trying to fill it with alcohol.
I'll never forget her. I can't. But I can live my life sober. She would have liked that.
You have everything to live for, and it does get better.
Your daughter needs you. You need a sober you.
I wish you the best.
Her lose set me into a tailspin of around the clock drinking that lasted a long while.
I felt for a long time that life had no meaning for me, too. I was despondent beyond what I could barely bare mentally.
This many years later and still I grieve.
But my love never liked my drinking. She knew I am an alcoholic. She put up with me.
Fortunately there were no children involved.
I just want to let you know you're not alone.
I still have a hole in my heart, but I stopped trying to fill it with alcohol.
I'll never forget her. I can't. But I can live my life sober. She would have liked that.
You have everything to live for, and it does get better.
Your daughter needs you. You need a sober you.
I wish you the best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi Giggler. I'm so glad you posted to tell us about your life.
I understand wanting to comfort & buffer yourself against pain & sorrow. It's just that it doesn't offer us any help long term. As our dependency grows, it leaves us anxious, sick, & miserable. I was drinking all day in the end - emotionless and numb. That isn't living - and it's obvious you know that. Be glad you are seeking a better life for you and your daughter. You can rise above your addiction and get free. We're here to encourage you - to listen & help if we can. You are never alone.
I understand wanting to comfort & buffer yourself against pain & sorrow. It's just that it doesn't offer us any help long term. As our dependency grows, it leaves us anxious, sick, & miserable. I was drinking all day in the end - emotionless and numb. That isn't living - and it's obvious you know that. Be glad you are seeking a better life for you and your daughter. You can rise above your addiction and get free. We're here to encourage you - to listen & help if we can. You are never alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through. You are doing the best you can, but it must be overwhelming at times.
I can’t imagine losing a spouse, but I do understand what it’s like being a parent with a drinking problem. Everything Dee said in his post really strikes a cord for me. It might be hard to imagine yourself sober, but just think of how wonderful it will be for both you and your daughter.
When I quit, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. I haven’t been through anything like you’ve dealt with, but I’ve been through some stuff, and I had to deal with a lot of those emotions when I didn’t have alcohol to numb myself.
It gets easier in time. You learn to handle the bad days, even the ones that really suck, because that’s life. But gradually you find yourself having more and more good days. Some days will be absolutely wonderful. You deserve that.
You are still very young. I wish I had quit at your age, but oh well; never too late. You and your daughter have so much to look forward to. (((Hugs))) 🙂❤️
I can’t imagine losing a spouse, but I do understand what it’s like being a parent with a drinking problem. Everything Dee said in his post really strikes a cord for me. It might be hard to imagine yourself sober, but just think of how wonderful it will be for both you and your daughter.
When I quit, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. I haven’t been through anything like you’ve dealt with, but I’ve been through some stuff, and I had to deal with a lot of those emotions when I didn’t have alcohol to numb myself.
It gets easier in time. You learn to handle the bad days, even the ones that really suck, because that’s life. But gradually you find yourself having more and more good days. Some days will be absolutely wonderful. You deserve that.
You are still very young. I wish I had quit at your age, but oh well; never too late. You and your daughter have so much to look forward to. (((Hugs))) 🙂❤️
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hi,
Sorry for your loss. I really believe your HP and the spirit of your husband has brought you to posting you need help. You are still very young and have a long life ahead of you. I hope you are able to put down the drink and embrace recovery. I have spent the last 15 years relapsing. It is an awful demoralizing existence to live. (I say that to myself more than you) I pray for you. I hope you let people love you, (like your husband does) help you and in turn help others. It is so hard to reach people in need unless you have been where they have been. I commend you for reaching out. You have the faith and power within you.
Sorry for your loss. I really believe your HP and the spirit of your husband has brought you to posting you need help. You are still very young and have a long life ahead of you. I hope you are able to put down the drink and embrace recovery. I have spent the last 15 years relapsing. It is an awful demoralizing existence to live. (I say that to myself more than you) I pray for you. I hope you let people love you, (like your husband does) help you and in turn help others. It is so hard to reach people in need unless you have been where they have been. I commend you for reaching out. You have the faith and power within you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,408
Stay sober to give you a chance of healing- one day at a time. Also life is a precious gift but that’s very difficult to see from a place of suffering and depression. Have you tried grief counselling and getting treatment for depression? Also AA can be very useful to find likeminded people who have lived through terrible pain and suffering and managed to live bk in the sunlight again 🙏
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 67
You're not wrong Dee. There is no room for self pity when you are a parent. I may never beat this drinking beast, but it won't be for lack of trying. My life holds no meaning to me, but I know her meaning is tied to mine so I try...
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