Co-parenting is confusing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 44
Co-parenting is confusing.
My AH and I are in the midst of divorce. We co-parent, but it feels all wrong. I don’t allow him to drive our children anywhere (post rehab he was drinking about 2 weeks out). He keeps our children for a few hours each day while the babysitter is there (he isn’t working) and sometimes a few hours on weekends if I work. He says he doesn’t understand why I get to make all the rules. He likes to bring up past mistakes I’ve made from years ago, to use as leverage. As to say, “See! You drank at a Christmas party 2 years ago and drove home”. He admittedly drove our daughter 2 weeks ago after drinking. He was drinking 2 weeks post rehab. I am not asking him to see the difference in our situations, and I don’t pretend I’ve never made poor choices. But the difference is that I do not continue to do so.
He also constantly brings up the fact that we have been together for 10 years, built a life together, and then I “just left”. Typically I avoid these conversations because they lead nowhere. I explain why I left, how for 2 years I have asked him to seek help, stop bringing drugs into our home, stop stealing, etc and what made me decide to leave. In the past week he has been an emotional rollercoaster, argumentative, and even asked if we could be “friends with benefits” to which I replied that was inappropriate and he acts offended and asks how I can be so cold and unemotional.
I feel that all of this is a way for him to keep me engaged. To keep manipulating any way he can. But when I ignore him, or don’t “check in”, he is upset that we aren’t communicating as co-parents. The line in divorce and co-parenting is feeling really fuzzy and confusing. I suppose it will get better when there are actually some custody agreements but for now I just don’t know what to do.
He also constantly brings up the fact that we have been together for 10 years, built a life together, and then I “just left”. Typically I avoid these conversations because they lead nowhere. I explain why I left, how for 2 years I have asked him to seek help, stop bringing drugs into our home, stop stealing, etc and what made me decide to leave. In the past week he has been an emotional rollercoaster, argumentative, and even asked if we could be “friends with benefits” to which I replied that was inappropriate and he acts offended and asks how I can be so cold and unemotional.
I feel that all of this is a way for him to keep me engaged. To keep manipulating any way he can. But when I ignore him, or don’t “check in”, he is upset that we aren’t communicating as co-parents. The line in divorce and co-parenting is feeling really fuzzy and confusing. I suppose it will get better when there are actually some custody agreements but for now I just don’t know what to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Boundaries. Big strong boundaries.
First of all, why is he unemployed and hanging around your house during the day with the babysitter? That should really be off the visitation schedule. You have arranged care for the children, no need for him to be sitting around.
If that is the only time he can be trusted, because there is another adult there, well that is slightly understandable.
I think you are being very kind here, but perhaps a bit too kind. There is no need for him to be over at your place every day. While you may not have a legal agreement in place yet you should iron out some agreement. Perhaps he could be there two days a week and weekends if you are working? It needs to be honed down perhaps, he has too much access to you right now. You have a right to have a peaceful, welcoming place to live, having him there every day does not provide that for you.
I hope you are including sobriety testing in your legal visitation agreement? Something like soberlink?
As for him complaining, I would really recommend that you stop ever engaging in these conversations with him and let him know they are off the table. You only need to say that once, then if he brings it up you can just walk away, you have stated what you require.
He is no longer your "partner", there is no need for him to come along and spill all his feelings all the time to make your life miserable. Enough. Perhaps that can be your new mantra with him "Enough!" - because you have surely had enough of this. Just picture a duck quacking when he is talking about this stuff because that is all that is, quacking. It actually has zero to do with you.
As for the friends with benefits comment, that just shows how out of touch he is with anything going on. You are divorcing him and he wants to know if you will sleep with him? That makes exactly zero sense. Keep that in mind, that is who you are dealing with.
First of all, why is he unemployed and hanging around your house during the day with the babysitter? That should really be off the visitation schedule. You have arranged care for the children, no need for him to be sitting around.
If that is the only time he can be trusted, because there is another adult there, well that is slightly understandable.
I think you are being very kind here, but perhaps a bit too kind. There is no need for him to be over at your place every day. While you may not have a legal agreement in place yet you should iron out some agreement. Perhaps he could be there two days a week and weekends if you are working? It needs to be honed down perhaps, he has too much access to you right now. You have a right to have a peaceful, welcoming place to live, having him there every day does not provide that for you.
I hope you are including sobriety testing in your legal visitation agreement? Something like soberlink?
As for him complaining, I would really recommend that you stop ever engaging in these conversations with him and let him know they are off the table. You only need to say that once, then if he brings it up you can just walk away, you have stated what you require.
He is no longer your "partner", there is no need for him to come along and spill all his feelings all the time to make your life miserable. Enough. Perhaps that can be your new mantra with him "Enough!" - because you have surely had enough of this. Just picture a duck quacking when he is talking about this stuff because that is all that is, quacking. It actually has zero to do with you.
As for the friends with benefits comment, that just shows how out of touch he is with anything going on. You are divorcing him and he wants to know if you will sleep with him? That makes exactly zero sense. Keep that in mind, that is who you are dealing with.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
"Friends with benefits"??? UGH! Which part of "ex" is he not understanding?
When I was getting divorced from ex, who liked to argue, I imposed a three-part rule on myself for when deciding whether or not to respond to his calls/emails/texts/in-person communication:
1. Is the communication polite? (no swearing, no yelling, no name-calling).
2. Is it directly relevant to Kid's present and future well-being? (because there really isn't anything else to talk about)
3. Is there a direct question or request for information?
If the answer to all three questions was "yes", I'd respond with information. If the answer to any of them was "no", then I'd reply with "I don't think we need to talk about that" (or something similar) and NOTHING ELSE.
You're training him in how to communicate with you - if he communicates appropriately, he gets a response; if he doesn't, no response. I often thought it would be simpler if I could just use dog treats.
When I was getting divorced from ex, who liked to argue, I imposed a three-part rule on myself for when deciding whether or not to respond to his calls/emails/texts/in-person communication:
1. Is the communication polite? (no swearing, no yelling, no name-calling).
2. Is it directly relevant to Kid's present and future well-being? (because there really isn't anything else to talk about)
3. Is there a direct question or request for information?
If the answer to all three questions was "yes", I'd respond with information. If the answer to any of them was "no", then I'd reply with "I don't think we need to talk about that" (or something similar) and NOTHING ELSE.
You're training him in how to communicate with you - if he communicates appropriately, he gets a response; if he doesn't, no response. I often thought it would be simpler if I could just use dog treats.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 44
Our children stay at his mothers house (who is in a nursing facility) and the babysitter comes there. He lives there now after I asked him to leave. I take them there every day, so I see him when I drop them off and pick them up. Most of the “quacking” is via phone calls (we don’t discuss such things in front of our children). I can ignore the calls, but today he caught me while our son was sleeping and wanted to argue.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just because he gives you a ticket to his circus does not mean you have to attend, you know what I mean?
Simply state, ONE TIME, that you will only be having constructive conversation regarding the care of your children, and nothing else. Then, do that. If he drags up anything else, just don't respond. It's basically no contact except for children. It may take a while, but if you stick to it, he will get it. Warning, he won't like it at first, but that's not your issue.
I had to do this with my XAH to preserve my own sanity.
Simply state, ONE TIME, that you will only be having constructive conversation regarding the care of your children, and nothing else. Then, do that. If he drags up anything else, just don't respond. It's basically no contact except for children. It may take a while, but if you stick to it, he will get it. Warning, he won't like it at first, but that's not your issue.
I had to do this with my XAH to preserve my own sanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Why do you take them there every day? Is this convenient for you, do you like this arrangement?
You are divorcing him, I assume he pays no child support since he is unemployed. You have to hire a babysitter and he just sits there while someone else takes care of his children and he abuses you. Where is the co-parent part there? He doesn't look after his children financially or any other way.
Do you see something amiss here?
I am saying this with absolute kindness Renee, please know that, he is completely running the show here. There are little to no boundaries on your part. Where in any of this is there looking after yourself? Where is your peace of mind and self-care?
I don't see this at all? What rules? Is he not getting enough visitation where you have to drive your children over to his place every day? That you have to hire someone because he can't be trusted to stay sober?
Go with this, you are absolutely right, it is all wrong.
You are divorcing him, I assume he pays no child support since he is unemployed. You have to hire a babysitter and he just sits there while someone else takes care of his children and he abuses you. Where is the co-parent part there? He doesn't look after his children financially or any other way.
Do you see something amiss here?
I am saying this with absolute kindness Renee, please know that, he is completely running the show here. There are little to no boundaries on your part. Where in any of this is there looking after yourself? Where is your peace of mind and self-care?
He says he doesn’t understand why I get to make all the rules.
We co-parent, but it feels all wrong.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yeah, i'm not seeing any CO-operative parenting here. i see him doing as close to nothing as possible while his children are hand delivered to him WITH an actual BABYSITTER so he again has to do........nothing.
i'm sure part of this set up is for your convenience, but it is completely enabling him. why should he change? you are still at his beck and call and your focus is to not rock the boat.
if he was drinking AND driving with one of your precious children in the car as recently as two weeks ago, why is he still getting this daily privilege? why are there no consequences? why are you afraid to take a stand and say a firm NO?
i'm sure part of this set up is for your convenience, but it is completely enabling him. why should he change? you are still at his beck and call and your focus is to not rock the boat.
if he was drinking AND driving with one of your precious children in the car as recently as two weeks ago, why is he still getting this daily privilege? why are there no consequences? why are you afraid to take a stand and say a firm NO?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
One of the things that helped me the most in getting over being another co-parenting failure story was continuing to learn more about addiction. IMHO, there is no co-parenting with someone in active addiction ... there is parallel parenting. Sorry you are going through this, happy you posted! It does get better when you get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 44
The babysitting situation is because we lost our home in a fire earlier this year. We temporarily moved about 35 miles away, but now I am staying here post divorce. I work and my daughter goes to school in the town where my mother in laws house is (that is also where my husband is staying). So the babysitter comes there. My only other option is daycare and I’d prefer not to go that route if possible. I think my best option is, as some of you stated, to stop all communication that does not regard children. Obviously, we will see each other regularly in passing, but I think I can avoid in depth conversation.
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