Auchieshuggle

'Rock bottom' is subjective, and alcoholism is a spectrum in my humble opinion.

Without meaning to trivialise anybody's experiences, I have met people at AA who stopped drinking after experiencing a few blackouts during a night's drinking, felt they'd lost control and wanted to become teetotal. These, it could be argued, are the clever ones who never let the illness progress to chronic levels, and of course 'the only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.'

Naturally, I have met others who told me they would sober up and be unable to recall what they had done, or where they had been, for the past few weeks! Over the course of years, and decades in some cases, they would have lost their job, family, home, driving licence, dignity and sometimes would have attempted suicide.

For me 'rock bottom' was drinking in the morning, before I went to work, losing old friends and having raised liver enzymes. I also sold off my coin collection and have accumulated debts, though they're manageable.

Without a shadow of a doubt, alcoholism is progressive. I was at my worst seven years ago, when I couldn't function without a drink in the morning. I then got sober with the help of AA and stayed that way for a wee while. My sobriety had convinced me that I could control my drinking, and initially I did - well actually I always drank to get drunk, but I would have a bender once a month, then it became once a week, then for whole weekends, but that was okay because I was sober during the week. Progressively it got to where I was a few weeks ago - excessive, nightly drinking. I stopped because of the impact on my mental health and the realisation that I was in trouble again.

The vast majority of people who visit this website will have a drink problem, or be a friend, partner or family member of somebody that does. I would encourage anybody reading to stop before you hit rock bottom.

I have been reading a few blogs, and came across one that really captures the hell of being dependent on alcohol. It makes for sober reading: Alcoholic Help, alcohol chat, alcohol help, drinking help, quit drink, quit drinking

biminiblue

yeah, I think if you go to more than a handful of meetings or read this site for a while you'll hear some really tragic stuff.

This thing wants to kill us, full stop. It's tough to break away from. It's worth the battle.

Auchieshuggle

It's what got me sober in the first place! I will be attending AA meetings again once I conquer this agoraphobia.

When you drink alcohol you're supping from the devil.

Jules714

" My sobriety had convinced me that I could control my drinking, and initially I did"

Your disease got you thinking it was ok to drink. One of the greatest things I ever heard in a meeting was "while I am in here, my disease is out in the parking lot doing push ups"
it is imperative for me to never forget i have a progressive fatal disease that I need to treat. I'm never cured .

biminiblue

Oh, absolutely. I felt like I was being haunted by evil when I quit drinking: the hallucinations, the crippling anxiety, paranoia.

Meetings were good for getting me out of the house and around people and out of my own head - which was a dangerous place in early sobriety.

Are you going out at all? Like to the drug store or just a walk around your neighborhood? I think letting the fear win is not a very good plan. Can you maybe just stand outside for ten minutes?

Auchieshuggle

Absolutely! That blog I linked to is possibly one of the most depressing I have ever read. It reads like a horror story, and without a happy ending. That's where this disease will ultimately lead one to...

Auchieshuggle

I am getting to the nearest shop and back again. I tried to go a bit further on Thursday, but suffered a panic attack. I am feeling less anxious overall now, so I hope that I will be able to overcome this. However I have read that anxiety from withdrawal can last for weeks, so I am not going to push it too much yet. But yes, ultimately I will have to confront my fears. Thanks for asking!

Jules714

It doesn't have to be a depressing horror story with an unhappy ending.
it doesn't happen over night but it gets better.bettgets unbelievably good with persistence and perseverance. I am excited for you to get there!!

joandmelandhan

Auchieshuggle I've just read that blog and you're right. Utterly depressing and, so far, hopeless. That could be any of us, certainly could have been me. The first section of withdrawal was very similar to my own and I found myself hopeful that he had stopped after those weeks of hell like I did. Sadly not and the thing about rock bottom is that it can just get lower and lower.
Looking back I find it hard to believe what I actually went through / put my family through. Like it was a nightmare or a horror film but it wasn't.
My heart goes out to anyone still in the grips and I hope that perhaps your post and the blog hit home for someone out there to take that incredibly difficult first step.

Auchieshuggle

It doesn't say when the posts were made, but the comments in the wee panel on the right-hand side are nearly four years old! I pray this person recovered.

My physical symptoms were nowhere near that bad, but the anxiety I have felt has been crippling.

Jules, I'm so much better now than I was a week ago. I trust I will continue to improve. Thanks.

biminiblue

I think that's one reason why this site is so helpful. Early days are rough, I wanted to hole up as a natural defense but there is always someone here and if you post someone will answer.

I don't use the chat feature on this site but I think if you get a few people in there a good conversation can happen in real time, too.

Auchieshuggle

Absolutely! I live by myself, but receive a visitor every couple of days or so. The thing is people won't do that long-term, and I really don't want to become a recluse. However, having this forum is very helpful.

I fear in my case the agoraphobia is a product of my anxiety disorder, which has been exacerbated by withdrawal. Whilst I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and it has some impact on me, I have generally been able to lead a normal, productive life. I'm praying that as the residual effects of the withdrawal pass, I will once again be able to go out.

Hevyn

I can't believe the amount of years I wasted trying to use willpower to control how much I'd have. I was uneducated about alcoholism - didn't understand it's progression. It all started out as fun & a break from stress. I would have laughed if anyone had told me my occasional drinking would lead to 'round the clock drinking - keeping one on my night stand for when I woke up shaking during the night. I was never going to get behind the wheel with alcohol in my system - yet I ended up with 2 dui's. It is terrifying.

Thanks for a helpful thread, Auchieshuggle.

Dee74

For me, I've come to the nderstand that a bottom is a decision to quit, a realisation that one cannot live that way anymore.

For some people that comes sooner rather than later and for some that comes with a terrible event, others not.

D

RecklessDrunk

My case of the disease is a snake, a black mamba or a king cobra. I just dont know how closely a potentially lethal dose of venom lurks by.

It doesnt wear me down with heavyweight punches to the body. It doesn't blow me off the line of scrimmage running the ball down my throat. It packs a knockout punch, the 80 yard bomb to the end zone.

I didn't drink every day. I held down a busy life. Did a lot of school while working. Good employee, good student. Friendly drunk even. When I drink I put myself in serious danger. Sometimes life threatening situations! My life looked squeaky clean the night before my felony arrest.

I could end up just as dead as the more dedicated, serious drinker.

Cosima11

I experienced agoraphobia for a short time while still active in my addiction(s). It was terrible, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. There's a book called "The Woman in the Window" by A.J. Finn which draws a vivid picture of agoraphobia and addiction (although I think it's mostly just intended to be a dramatic thriller accessible to anyone).

I agree rock bottom is subjective, and my spiral into and out of addiction wasn't always linear.. Objectively speaking there were actually "worse" times earlier on in terms of my physical and mental health than the time I finally quit.

But no matter when you do it quitting is still really hard, and I think it can really take a full year to reap the full benefits. Glad you're committed to sticking it out and sticking around here. It's always good to have face to face support but this forum has made all the difference for me even without meetings..

brighterday1234

Auchieshuggle

You're very welcome! Ach, I've lied to myself for years, a couple of decades even. I told myself I didn't have a problem, that I could quit anytime I wanted and that time would be next week, the New Year, my birthday, Easter, the summer solstice, etc.

Alcohol cannot be sold before 10 am in shops in Scotland, and I have stood anxiously by the till, counting the seconds with a bottle in my hand. I never kept alcohol in the house, because I had absolutely no control over it at all. It's an insidious process.

Thanks. Aye, I have never experienced anything quite like this. "Hell mend ye" is an expression here, and well...this is hellish, but I have no desire to drink (or smoke). Shame it has had to come to this. Hopefully I will look back and see it as fortuitous.

january161992

The (AA) book is clear that self- centered fear is the problem and that the drinking is but a symptom.

This proved correct for me.

I reached bottom in the locked psych ward at a year sober when I became convinced that my life is unmanageable and became willing to follow direction and implement a program of recovery by doing the step work under the guidance of my sponsor.

Auchieshuggle

Wow! That's frightened me a bit. Just to clarify you reached rock bottom a year after stopping alcohol?