Sad about losing what I never really had

Old 11-24-2019, 10:52 AM
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Sad about losing what I never really had

It’s been a little over a year since I left my XAH. At the time we had a three-year-old and I really wanted another child. We’ve been trying, fertility treatment and everything, for quite some time. That was part of what kept me in the relationship. He was unkind to me and left me to do pretty much everything on top of us both working, but I wanted another kid and I sucked it up for so long. When I finally left I thought, he has taken so much from me, he’s not going to take this from me too and I decided to have another one by myself. It’s not like anyone helped me with the first one, so I was sure I could do it.

I am a couple weeks from having baby number two, and my life is a lot better, and I have a good set up and my older child is doing really well. Her dad is still a mess but he’s been sober for visits so she’s getting quality time with him.

But I am so sad that I’m having this baby by myself. I know it was the right decision because it is infinitely better than losing out on something important to me because I married an *******. But I always thought I would be a part of a team and I worked really hard to be self-sufficient in my life, thinking I would bring a lot to the table and so would my partner so we could have awesome kids and a good life. I know you don’t really earn love, but I thought I had set myself up for the kind of life I wanted to have.

I am grateful that I’m capable of doing everything myself. I have a good job, and make enough money to support my little family, I had the guts to pull the trigger on having the second child having even though I’m alone. But I had no intention of being a single parent. I hate that I spent all my extra energy over the last year fighting to protect my daughter from her own father’s decisions. Now I am waiting on the birth of my second kid, while I shudder at the thought of tying myself to another adult because the last one almost killed me. This is the part where I should have someone next to me rubbing my feet and telling me I’m still beautiful even though I am as big as a house. Instead, as per usual, I have only myself to rely on. When my daughter was born, I remember my ex had booze with him that he was drinking on the pull out sleeper sofa in the hospital room. It’s not like I had the dream before. I guess I just want more than making the best out of whatever is left, which is what I feel like I’m doing after having married a freaking alcoholic.

I like being a single mom. I like my job, I like my friends, I’m excited for this baby. I just wanted to be loved by somebody with the capacity to actually take care of me back. I’m really sad right now in a particularly hard time that I didn’t get that and I don’t think I ever will. I’m so jaded and exhausted by the thought of having any responsibilities to another adult at this point. I feel like any wifely energy I ever had has been completely spent. Thank you, alcoholism, and thanks to the part of me that picked that man.

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Old 11-24-2019, 11:33 AM
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Diggingforfire…….while I realize that you may not appreciate it, now....you are far better off having the baby by yourself than being tied to an alcoholic.....which is what you would have been, if the fertility treatments, with your husband, had worked.....
right now, I imagine that the pregnancy hormones are causing you to be very nostalgic...which is natural....as the "nesting instinct" is usually pretty intense, about now...lol....

I, also, think that it is very natural for you not to want to be thinking about taking care of another adult, right now. In fact, this is true of most women who are in good, reciprocal relationships. This can, actually, be the cause of some conflict and disturbance in marriage, after the baby comes.....
The mother is often wanting more help and someone to take care of her, to some extent....and, the husbands often lament that their wife no longer pays enough attention to him...and, feels displaced by the baby....
The anthropologists suggest that this has a positive evolutionary effect...because it reduces procreational activity for some time...and, allows for the attention that the newborn needs....thus favoring the survival possibility for the infant..... Who knew!!

How you are feeling, right now, is likely to change, after a while, I think....especially,after the birth.....and, after the new baby reaches the end of the toddler stages.....
The natural hormones, both before and after birth play such a role in how we women feel and our focus and outlook.....

How you feel sounds pretty normal, to me.....
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Old 11-24-2019, 01:31 PM
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I can completely understand that. Having children is a big responsibility (aside from the fact that they are great) and sharing that responsibility with a kind, loving partner is a good thing to have and a totally reasonable thing to want/expect.

First of all, if I haven't said it before, I think that is such a great decision you made to have the second baby on your own.

As dandylion mentioned, hormones are no doubt playing a part in your feelings right now. That's to be expected but still, I'm sure it's hard.

All the work you did to set yourself up. Think about how well that is serving you right now. You have the ability to not only look after yourself but your Daughter and this new little baby, that's a HUGE accomplishment. You should be so proud of yourself, really. What a wonderful little family you will have, the three of you.

Now, someday, there is probably going to be a man who will enter this picture and you will be ready at that point and not before. I'm sure it seems impossible or really undesirable right now, again, totally understandable, but you probably will not always feel this way.

I wish we could all throw you a baby shower!
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Old 11-25-2019, 01:24 AM
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How long have you got to go now DFF?

I think anyone would understand your feelings about not having a functioning partner by your side. I hope everything goes well and you have lots of support.
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Old 11-25-2019, 07:39 AM
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Thanks for the support. Most days I am excited about it, even if the circumstances are not fairytale.

I have about 3 weeks left. And yes, I have a lot of support and a long (for an American) leave ahead of me. I’ve never been good at asking for help but I’ve been doing better and I have the reinforcements lined up for the early days.
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:26 AM
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I think you are an inspiration. Seriously. Your babies are very lucky to have such a strong lady for a mum

Do you have any family/ friends rallying around you (you mentioned reinforcements) at this time?
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:27 AM
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You are a great momma and you are doing the right thing! My children are a million times better off even though I am a single mom. There is NOTHING more painful than watching your children being drug down by an addict. Nothing.

One of the first things I say here is do not procreate with an addict. I don't say it to guilt anyone or to be critical. I say that because I did it. I thought his addiction would get better. I did not understand it at all because my mind does not work that way.

I don't regret it at all, I love my children more than anything. However, the hurt he caused them, and the fallout from it, is huge and it took over our lives for a long time. It took a lot of counseling for me and my children to overcome it.

With this child, you are in complete control of how things end up. You will raise this child with kindness and goodness, and it will pay off. Your child won't have to go through the hurt the addict causes, because that exposure won't be there.

You've got this momma! Sending you huge hugs and many congratulations on this child.
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:57 AM
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DiggingForFire,

Conragulations on having a baby in a few weeks. I know you emotions are all over the place like dandylion stated. They will settle down after the baby is born.

You should be proud of what you have done. You have made your self a cozy little home for you children to feel safe and loved. I know your dreamed of doing this with a spouse to share in the responsibilities. But you have proven you can due this on your own. Give it time that Wifey energy will come back and at some point you will be ready for that next person in your life to share in the responsibilities of bringing up your kids. Not all guys out there are alcoholics. Though I do know some that are not good at changing diapers. They at least try. Just be patient. You will know when you are ready.

Have great day. Thanks for sharing and keep coming back. Stay strong
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Old 11-25-2019, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Kokoro View Post
I think you are an inspiration. Seriously. Your babies are very lucky to have such a strong lady for a mum

Do you have any family/ friends rallying around you (you mentioned reinforcements) at this time?
thank you

I live in an urban metro area so while I do have friends, they aren’t super close by, so I am having to actively coordinate with people but they are willing to help. My mom moved in with me earlier this year and while I don’t expect her to do much baby-care, she has a great relationship with my preschooler so she can help a lot keeping her happy and will be able to help around the house as well. She’s a challenging personality but it’s been a big help to have her around.
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