clarity888

Just dropping a line...been awhile since I've been on SR. My AH says he's been sober for 5 weeks. Of course I hope he has, and then I am learning to let it go. He's not going to meetings, and that's his choice. Whatever.

I really have stopped being the alcohol police. It wore me down. Soberlink had that job, then they cancelled our contract due to his tampering with the device.

AH did go out of state for one night this week. His flight arrived home at 3 am, so I knew when I saw him that afternoon, he would sound tired. It was hard though; he sounded possibly tired enough to be hungover. There was a 2 hour jetlag too. I asked how the sobriety think went during the trip, the way I asked made him defensive. So who knows.

One big thing on my mind is something his mother said to me when she dropped off DS the day she helped out with him. Hadn't talked to her in months. AH has been in his own place for 4 months. I think she knows he was kicked off Soberlink, but didn't verify that with her. Anyway, we were cordial and hugged each other. Said we missed each other. Then she said "maybe you two are better off not being together". Ouch. That one stung, and I'm trying to get past it. I'm not sure why it hurt so much. I guess I still feel guilt for my communication skills that were criticized a few times by AH and MIL. I guess I just felt like she didn't understand, and of course she doesn't because she's not in the relationship. Though she did marry an A and her father was an A who managed through life. It just feels like she means that my behavior caused the drinking, and since he's claimed to us both to be sober x 5 weeks...I guess that comes out to "____ can stay sober when Clarity isn't up his *ss".

Thanks for listening. I am still trying to let go of hope for this relationship. I guess I wasn't ready to hear she'd given up hope for it, she and I were close.

Bekindalways

Yeah, I can understand why that would sting.

As to if he is drinking, more will be revealed with time. It sure doesn't look very good. Congrats for every time you are able to back off and detach. It isn't easy.

Has there been anything in particular that has helped you detach?

AnvilheadII

my take on her "maybe you two are better off apart" comment is that she meant it's good that YOU are no longer hitched to his 100 # anchor???

trailmix

Well, you know her best but I also took it as a kind of general comment, as in not placing blame comment.

Then again - you mention she criticized your communication skills at some point? What's that about?

clarity888

Thanks BeKind, detaching takes work but def. is worth it. Anvil, it could be that MIL *is* saying in a neutral way that she understands, and isn't placing blame.. When I put myself in her shoes, I see that whatever she says can easily be taken the wrong way.

Trailmix, all I know is that AH complained about the communication in our relationship (this came up once is alcoholism was out in the open). We needed to work on all kinds of things, and by the time he admitted he was up to 15 beers a day or whatever it was, there was very little communication b/w us. I could never get him to do fun things, away from the house, he liked to be home near his fridge, I believe. Also by then, I had been asking for 3 years "how many beers in are you?" probably 3-4 evenings a week as he slurred his words. Those conversations never went well, and I was pretty angry by the time he admitted to himself what was going on. Anyhow, AH tried working through some of his issues when he went to 2 different rehabs in the last year, and in between those rehabs, he went on binges, and I would lose my sanity b/c he would show up to DS's school events reeking of alcohol. All I know is that when he talked to his parents about why his home life wasn't going well, he would bring up our "communication problems". Yeah. Alcoholism and the personality defects of all people involved in the family system tend to result in communication problems, so I know it's part and parcel and part of the 12 Steps for both parties. And we all have to own our part. I did "fly into a rage" that one time, too, which he whined about to his parents afterward. He'd shown up drunk after 2 months in sober living (he still lived there), and we had a graduation dinner to attend that night. He reeked and his body language revealed he was trying to avoid being upwind of me at the playground, and I lost it w/him. The sketchy, evasive behavior, and the gall to do it when we had to go to his nephew's event later and celebrate when he was fresh out of a 30 day inpatient and sober living--killed me. It was one of many awful relapses, but yes I did receive his and her criticism for throwing my keys at the ground and being full of anger and scaring him; he did not expect to be caught or that reaction.

Hopeworks

trailmix

Hopeworks put that so well.

You're really hard on yourself, or at least it sounds like it!?

You are dealing with someone who is not in a reasonable frame of mind. You are at breaking point, your communication with him might not be all you wish it could be. It's completely understandable.

His Mom can be forgiven for her point of view (if it is even her point of view that he may be hard done by) because I guarantee you he isn't going over there talking about what a jerk he has been.

However, her statement could go either way, she knows him well, she knows what he is like, she probably also knows when he is lying

Also, him saying he has not been drinking for 5 weeks is kind of meaningless at this point. He can't be trusted at all.

So since soberlink's demise - how do you prove his sobriety for visitation? Do you have another breathalyzer?

TropicalWinter

I'm going to hit the BS button here about him complaining about communication. To me, that seems like a typical alcoholic gaslighting/manipulation ploy. Healthy communication is the polar opposite of what an alcoholic wants or is capable of. Their top priority is protecting their ability to drink, and everything they do is a means to that end, including deflecting and projecting onto their partner.

Sleepyhollo

Communication is a problem of course when you are with an alcoholic because it is almost useless to discuss things with them. I had had a couple of very important convos with my ex a few years ago over something that was important in a relationship. He minimized the issue and during marriage counseling after he got sober I found out he had absolutely zero recollection of that convo. Which then made me wonder how much of our relationship he did remember....
Also if he is not going to meetings or working a program, it is very unlikely he will stay clean. And being defensive is a red flag, especially since he is not working any kind of recovery program. Quitting drinking is one thing, getting new coping skills to deal with stressors in life without hitting the bottle is a completely different thing and without that long term recovery is unlikely.

hopeful4

Hi Clarity.

I would not put much stock into what MIL says. Who knows what she was thinking. Either way, I know that sting regarding family. When I divorced my XAH I really did have to divorce his family as well, which was extremely difficult b/c his sister was one of my best friends, and her children were like my own. Very painful.

However, over the years, it's gotten easier. I realize they NEED to enable him, and that is their business. They wanted me to continue to carry on with this man because I was good for him, not the other way around.

Sending you a big hug!

trailmix

Sleepyhollo, you bring up a really important thing here that I don't think is mentioned much. That lack of recall. The black-outs and even when not blacked-out the lack of memory.

I think in many cases with an alcoholic many things are forgotten, whole outings, whole conversations. In some cases they might remember tidbits.

While I guess that isn't earth shattering in the bigger alcoholic relationship scenario - it does beg the question, how can you have any kind of decent relationship with someone who can't even remember half the stuff that's been discussed or things you have done.

hopeful4

I agree trailmix! My XAH would be blackout drunk and say ugly things and do things. The next day, he would expect me not to remember either!

So I could not have a conversation with him either productive or not. Infuriating.

velma929

That sounds familiar.

As for MIL or former MIL, she may be thinking (read:envious) someone one generation younger than she had the strength to get out. (And ending a marriage has less stigma now than 20 or 30 years ago, too)

Since she had just spent time caring for your child, it's possible that she sees a calmer kid, or Kid has mentioned the two of you don't fight as much as you used to.

Your story is why I never, ever mentioned to MIL or FIL about AH's drinking, and there were times I was seriously tempted to call his Mom and just hand him the phone so she could hear for herself. I wish I could say it was because I wasn't that petty. I knew it was a no-win situation.