I don’t use the “a” word at all, ever, aside from occasionally using it here. I don’t even think about it much. When discussing with Mr. Bonnie, I just say that I drink too much and need to cut back. By “cut back” I mean quit, which he seems to understand what I really mean. I tell everyone else I’m on a health kick or that I just don’t like to drink anymore.

So last night two old friends were getting together for drinks, and after 10 months of sobriety, I felt safe to join them. I sat down with my Diet Coke, and one of them says, “still on your diet?” I said yes and that was that. But soon the conversation turned to how “hilarious” I was when drinking. Lots of Funny Drunk Bonnie stories. Honestly, I don’t think I was that darn funny; I wondered if they were trying to goad me into drinking. Maybe not, maybe I was just being sensitive.

It made me feel bad because I got the sense that they missed the old me. And then I started to feel all nostalgic, thinking about boozy holidays in years past, fun nights out with the friends, and I started to miss the old me too.

So that’s where my head was when one friend started talking about this pub and said, “we should go there when you’re drinking again.” I said, “that’ll be never sinceI’m an alcoholic. Maybe I’ll come along with you and have a coffee or something though.”

Just like that, I used that word. They were cool about it and backed off the booze talk, which is all I wanted. But I felt so weirdly exposed; I might as well have been sitting there in my underwear. And why did I have to say it like that? I felt like I should have alluded to it without actually saying it. I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do though, and it didn’t really work.

I really hate having my issues as a topic of conversation with people in my life. It makes me so uncomfortable having people know about my drinking problem. I don’t know why. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but to me it just feels like I overshared.

Anyway, I got a follow up invite from them to meet up next week for coffee and a trip to the bookstore. So that sounds like fun, I’m up for it.

Just rambling here. I guess I have a weird issue about people knowing; I don’t know if it’s normal. Anyway, I’m going to go run errands and hopefully quit ruminating.

Yeah, I have no plans to continue broadcasting to everyone around me. At least with these two friends, I know them well enough to know they wouldn’t judge me, but I still felt weird hearing myself use the word alcoholic. I’ll probably keep it to this forum going forward.

Thats how it usually is for me too. Now that I think about it, I don’t think they were trying to question my not drinking, but I was getting uncomfortable with the “hilarious” memories. I probably didn’t need to say anything, but they seemed to really think I’m on some temporary health kick and will be back to Boozy Bonnie at some point. I felt like letting them know that those days are over. So I ended up maybe oversharing, but at least they’re good enough friends to be cool with it. I’ve known them a long time, and I’d be surprised if they never suspected my drinking was a problem.

I know of several people who are so open about their alcoholism and sobriety, which I think is cool because that kind of openness probably helps to destigmatize it. That just won’t be me though, probably ever.

Besides, I have a hard time accepting labels. I prefer to think of myself as someone with a drinking problem, rather than slapping a label on it. Even if that label totally fits. Oh well, it doesn’t matter, right? What does matter is that I’m not drinking anymore.

Yeah, that’s for sure. I have the feeling that my doctor would be a bit judgy about this. I guess I’d have to be truthful if my drinking had affected my health worse than it had, but fortunately, that hasn’t been an issue. She’s noticed my blood pressure has come down and I’ve lost weight, but when asked I just said, “cardio.”