Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years
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Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years
My boyfriend of three years is an alcoholic - I do believe he’d been sober for about 6 years when we met, however he didn’t disclose to me that he had a problem until I confronted him about it. He started off the relationship not drinking at all (he said due to a health issue he has), but I noticed him socially drinking more and more. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I feel guilt about it happening right in front of me. After about a year we moved in to my place together. There, he was increasingly unhappy, saying the place was too small, etc. (this wasn’t a permanent situation, just to let us save some money to get a new place) but what I came to realize was that he started drinking in secret during this time. He turned into a different person - angry at the smallest things. One weekend he had a complete meltdown and disappeared for a day - coming home drunk and telling me he was still sad about his first marriage and his loss of friends at that time, and how he didn’t deserve love, etc. I finally talked him into an AA meeting and a therapy session. He only went once to each.
He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health and I agreed to this and we stayed together. He moved much closer to his work and we got back into our initial pattern as a couple. For a time things were ok. He did start smoking weed routinely, but I figured well at least it’s not alcohol. We were living this way for about a year. Over the last month or so he’s got increasingly moody (not that odd for him since the holiday season always was a trigger) but never said anything about his feelings changing or that anything was much amiss. Two weeks ago he was still buying me little gifts on one of his business trips, making sure I had a special birthday, etc. He did make one or two odd comments like well everyone knows you are the responsible one and I am the f*** up, but I’m not a f***up anymore? I would assure him that I didn’t feel that he was.
Last week he texted and asked if he could stop by. He showed up and broke up with me, saying he didn’t feel our personalities were compatible because I’m a rigid thinker and he felt like he had to pretend to be “perfect” around me, and he has a darker personality than me, etc. He had fallen out of love with me because he felt like he couldn’t talk to me. Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway. He brought over all my stuff so that I’d have no reason to go to his place again. I was devastated and caught so off guard. I loved him a lot and felt I did everything I could to support him. I’ve spoken to his parents since then who were also shocked and they filled me in on a lot of his drinking history that he never shared.
I’m just at a loss now and don’t know what to think - as recent as a few months ago we’d talked about buying a house (his idea again) and now he is just done. The abrupt way it ended after 3 years feels like a huge slap in the face. Mostly just posting to vent and for insight, if anyone may have any or dealt with something similar.
He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health and I agreed to this and we stayed together. He moved much closer to his work and we got back into our initial pattern as a couple. For a time things were ok. He did start smoking weed routinely, but I figured well at least it’s not alcohol. We were living this way for about a year. Over the last month or so he’s got increasingly moody (not that odd for him since the holiday season always was a trigger) but never said anything about his feelings changing or that anything was much amiss. Two weeks ago he was still buying me little gifts on one of his business trips, making sure I had a special birthday, etc. He did make one or two odd comments like well everyone knows you are the responsible one and I am the f*** up, but I’m not a f***up anymore? I would assure him that I didn’t feel that he was.
Last week he texted and asked if he could stop by. He showed up and broke up with me, saying he didn’t feel our personalities were compatible because I’m a rigid thinker and he felt like he had to pretend to be “perfect” around me, and he has a darker personality than me, etc. He had fallen out of love with me because he felt like he couldn’t talk to me. Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway. He brought over all my stuff so that I’d have no reason to go to his place again. I was devastated and caught so off guard. I loved him a lot and felt I did everything I could to support him. I’ve spoken to his parents since then who were also shocked and they filled me in on a lot of his drinking history that he never shared.
I’m just at a loss now and don’t know what to think - as recent as a few months ago we’d talked about buying a house (his idea again) and now he is just done. The abrupt way it ended after 3 years feels like a huge slap in the face. Mostly just posting to vent and for insight, if anyone may have any or dealt with something similar.
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Hi Abandoned and welcome to SR, sorry for what brings you here, of course.
First of all I hope you will stick around and keep posting as getting support right now is really helpful.
For insight? This is pretty much Alcoholism 101 to be honest.
He started out with you on a sober footing of some kind. Was he going to meetings then? In any kind of program? There is an alcoholic drinking, being sober and then there is recovery. Recovery is key. That is where an alcoholic starts to recover from the self centered, warped thinking that alcoholism produces (and which you have now experienced, unfortunately).
He has relapsed (if he had ever really stopped). You can't really be sure if he had been in recovery for that long or what he considers recovery. He wasn't upfront with you.
"He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health"
Translation: Needed to be alone to smoke weed freely (at least) and probably drink as well.
"saying he didn’t feel our personalities were compatible because I’m a rigid thinker and he felt like he had to pretend to be “perfect” around me, and he has a darker personality than me, etc"
Translation: I want to drink a lot and you aren't ever going to enable me to do that without trying to "help" me or shut it down.
"I loved him a lot and felt I did everything I could to support him"
Helping to see how drinking was hurting him? Making suggestions of places he could go to for help when he discussed his drinking with you (if he ever did). As soon as you try to come between an alcoholic and his drinking, you become the enemy. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have by the way. Normal couples discuss problems.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the three c's).
"Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway".
Maybe this has been his previous relationship M.O. before he had his period of sobriety?
So just some information based on the small amount you have posted. Some might be wrong, some might seem true to you, but regardless, he is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do, looking to drink.
I suggest you learn more about alcoholism, by reading around this forum and in particular the stickies at the top here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You may also want to check out Al-Anon meetings.
Now, this information is to help you (not him). The more you understand about alcoholism the more you will understand what went on here, so that's for your peace of mind.
First of all I hope you will stick around and keep posting as getting support right now is really helpful.
For insight? This is pretty much Alcoholism 101 to be honest.
He started out with you on a sober footing of some kind. Was he going to meetings then? In any kind of program? There is an alcoholic drinking, being sober and then there is recovery. Recovery is key. That is where an alcoholic starts to recover from the self centered, warped thinking that alcoholism produces (and which you have now experienced, unfortunately).
He has relapsed (if he had ever really stopped). You can't really be sure if he had been in recovery for that long or what he considers recovery. He wasn't upfront with you.
"He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health"
Translation: Needed to be alone to smoke weed freely (at least) and probably drink as well.
"saying he didn’t feel our personalities were compatible because I’m a rigid thinker and he felt like he had to pretend to be “perfect” around me, and he has a darker personality than me, etc"
Translation: I want to drink a lot and you aren't ever going to enable me to do that without trying to "help" me or shut it down.
"I loved him a lot and felt I did everything I could to support him"
Helping to see how drinking was hurting him? Making suggestions of places he could go to for help when he discussed his drinking with you (if he ever did). As soon as you try to come between an alcoholic and his drinking, you become the enemy. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have by the way. Normal couples discuss problems.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the three c's).
"Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway".
Maybe this has been his previous relationship M.O. before he had his period of sobriety?
So just some information based on the small amount you have posted. Some might be wrong, some might seem true to you, but regardless, he is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do, looking to drink.
I suggest you learn more about alcoholism, by reading around this forum and in particular the stickies at the top here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You may also want to check out Al-Anon meetings.
Now, this information is to help you (not him). The more you understand about alcoholism the more you will understand what went on here, so that's for your peace of mind.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hugs first and foremost
He seems really unsettled as a person judging by your post. Not confident in his own shoes. My personal belief is that until you are happy within yourself, seeking out relationships is never going to end well because only you can fill that void really.
He did you a favour by leaving, as irrational as his delivery of that decision might be. Find someone who will treat you better, especially even if that is yourself.
He seems really unsettled as a person judging by your post. Not confident in his own shoes. My personal belief is that until you are happy within yourself, seeking out relationships is never going to end well because only you can fill that void really.
He did you a favour by leaving, as irrational as his delivery of that decision might be. Find someone who will treat you better, especially even if that is yourself.
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Posts: 267
[QUOTE=trailmix;7313359]
"He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health"
Translation: Needed to be alone to smoke weed freely (at least) and probably drink as well.
My husband. I've been on here for 10 years while he's moved in and out of my life. Finally ready to not allow him back.
"Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway".
Also my husband. I think it's projection pure and simple. He's the one who doesn't forgive...including himself. It's beyond him to understand the concept of grace. I don't think he can be sober without it.
It sucks and I'm sorry you are going through this. Glad you're here though. It may be a little painful to be on here but it can be really helpful. It was so hard for me all the times I've been on here because I could see that we all have similar stories...I just wanted to be the one with a different ending. I'm here though. Happier than I've been on any of my prior wanderings here. You can get through this.
"He claimed after therapy that he needed to move out for his mental health"
Translation: Needed to be alone to smoke weed freely (at least) and probably drink as well.
My husband. I've been on here for 10 years while he's moved in and out of my life. Finally ready to not allow him back.
"Eventually he said he’d screw something up and I’d never be able to forgive it anyway".
Also my husband. I think it's projection pure and simple. He's the one who doesn't forgive...including himself. It's beyond him to understand the concept of grace. I don't think he can be sober without it.
It sucks and I'm sorry you are going through this. Glad you're here though. It may be a little painful to be on here but it can be really helpful. It was so hard for me all the times I've been on here because I could see that we all have similar stories...I just wanted to be the one with a different ending. I'm here though. Happier than I've been on any of my prior wanderings here. You can get through this.
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Abandoned......I don't hear anything about him working a program for genuine, lifelong sobriety...like AA.....
There is a difference between sobriety and genuine recovery....
He sounds, to me, like an alcoholic who tried, at first, to deny his alcoholism to you....
I see, here on this forum, that pattern, a lot. At the beginning of the relationship, when they are first attracted...they try to put the best foot forward (as we all do, to a great extent)….in order to win you over....
Hiding ones true issues and "love bombing" can be a way to hook a person into a relationship, and get their commitment. Especially, someone who is really, really wanting to be in a relationship.....all the "love moves" are like nectar...lol...
But....it is hard for a person to hide their true self for an extended period of time....exhausting. The true self begins to reveal itself....begins to seep out of the edges....
for an alcoholic who is waging a battle within themselves...the alcoholism eventually "wins". the alcoholic will, eventually, need a person who will allow them to drink in comfort...with acceptance...and no criticism. They need enablers.
If the person that has been sucked into the relationship with the alcoholic, begins to chafe at the alcoholic's behaviors....this brings a crisis point in the relationship. the alcoholic has to either face their issues and change...or end the relationship so that they can drink in comfort....
for the person who is not ready to stop drinking.....the alcohol wins...and the other person has to go....
I know that this may sound very harsh and cold for me to say...and I am sorry for that. But, if you were to read through the thousands of real life stories, here on this forum...you will see this same pattern told and re-told,,,,by those who have had their hearts broken by alcoholics that they have fallen in love with,,,,
I am sorry for your pain....
I think, that, in time, you will realize that he did you a favor that you may not have been able to do for yourself.....
There is a difference between sobriety and genuine recovery....
He sounds, to me, like an alcoholic who tried, at first, to deny his alcoholism to you....
I see, here on this forum, that pattern, a lot. At the beginning of the relationship, when they are first attracted...they try to put the best foot forward (as we all do, to a great extent)….in order to win you over....
Hiding ones true issues and "love bombing" can be a way to hook a person into a relationship, and get their commitment. Especially, someone who is really, really wanting to be in a relationship.....all the "love moves" are like nectar...lol...
But....it is hard for a person to hide their true self for an extended period of time....exhausting. The true self begins to reveal itself....begins to seep out of the edges....
for an alcoholic who is waging a battle within themselves...the alcoholism eventually "wins". the alcoholic will, eventually, need a person who will allow them to drink in comfort...with acceptance...and no criticism. They need enablers.
If the person that has been sucked into the relationship with the alcoholic, begins to chafe at the alcoholic's behaviors....this brings a crisis point in the relationship. the alcoholic has to either face their issues and change...or end the relationship so that they can drink in comfort....
for the person who is not ready to stop drinking.....the alcohol wins...and the other person has to go....
I know that this may sound very harsh and cold for me to say...and I am sorry for that. But, if you were to read through the thousands of real life stories, here on this forum...you will see this same pattern told and re-told,,,,by those who have had their hearts broken by alcoholics that they have fallen in love with,,,,
I am sorry for your pain....
I think, that, in time, you will realize that he did you a favor that you may not have been able to do for yourself.....
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Thank you for your kind words and trying to help me understand - even weeks later I still can’t quite believe the way it ended. He was never in any sort of program the entire time I knew him, and I believe attempted to stay sober on his own (or never really attempted, I don’t even know anymore). I feel sad, mad, and maybe betrayed most of all? We spoke to or saw each other every day since the day we met, and this total dismissal of me, after not so much as a fight even, has been very heart-breaking. 
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80 
even weeks later I still can’t quite believe the way it ended.
One thing to keep in mind. Don't try to apply "normal" relationship reactions, discussion etc to a relationship with an alcoholic, they do not apply.
He may well have wanted a relationship with you but in order to do that he had to, at least, curb his drinking, be responsible and attentive and other things you find in "normal" relationships. He just decided he could not do that anymore.
Alcoholics run their own "world view". As I mentioned above, everything they say and everything they do needs to be run through a translator, because they live somewhere else (in their head). They don't think the way you do. Their number one focus is alcohol, not you, not themselves or their children if they have any. Alcohol.
I hope you have had a chance to read around and read other threads and some of the stickies, this will give you insight. That won't make it stop hurting (that takes time and focus on yourself) but it will help you to understand, you did nothing wrong.
This is not (and never was) about you.
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You might also find these articles helpful: Link: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
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Thank you Trailmix. It breaks my heart that there was this whole side of him that I didn’t grasp or comprehend at the time. I truly thought we loved each other and now it all just seems like a big charade. I truly considered him my best friend I hope that he is ok - that’s the thing that hurts as well. Even though he did this, I’m more worried about him than myself. It’s hard not being able to talk to him anymore or know how he is. He has no close friends here that would even know it who I could reach out to. My only link to him is his parents, who I feel bad contacting any more.
I hope that he is ok - that’s the thing that hurts as well. Even though he did this, I’m more worried about him than myself. It’s hard not being able to talk to him anymore or know how he is. He has no close friends here that would even know it who I could reach out to. My only link to him is his parents, who I feel bad contacting any more. Member
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Have you heard of the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It's often recommended around here and you might find it really helpful.
I'm not saying you are codependent or not, of course, but it has a lot of great information on relationships. In fact it's kind of hard not to fit in to a "co-dependent" scenario when involved with an addict? I don't like the word much (neither does Melody Beattie) but it's just a catch-all phrase. Maybe caretaker would be better?
Why, because they are not (generally) great about looking after themselves (emotionally at least). Then, when they decide to go off drinking and leave you, YOU are worried about THEM.
Does that not seem a little counter-intuitive to you? I'm sure it crosses your mind but it's completely normal. You have this relationship with an alcoholic which can be much more heavy duty than a "regular" one as they share their demons and trials with you and you worry and commiserate and have empathy for them.
Then they are gone.
Doesn't mean you stop worrying but you should try. You know, he chose to leave to go drinking, there is nothing you can do to change that, not the leaving or the drinking, it's what he wants to do, it's what alcoholics do.
He's not drinking at you or to be mean to you, neither did him choosing alcohol have anything to do with you, you are just collateral damage.
He will get by the same way he did before he met you. By drinking. A lot.
As for it being a charade, I'm sure he cared about you, you were together a long time, that is cared about you to the best of his ability, again, not to be compared to a "normal" relationship.
His first alliance is to alcohol.
I'm not saying you are codependent or not, of course, but it has a lot of great information on relationships. In fact it's kind of hard not to fit in to a "co-dependent" scenario when involved with an addict? I don't like the word much (neither does Melody Beattie) but it's just a catch-all phrase. Maybe caretaker would be better?
Why, because they are not (generally) great about looking after themselves (emotionally at least). Then, when they decide to go off drinking and leave you, YOU are worried about THEM.
Does that not seem a little counter-intuitive to you? I'm sure it crosses your mind but it's completely normal. You have this relationship with an alcoholic which can be much more heavy duty than a "regular" one as they share their demons and trials with you and you worry and commiserate and have empathy for them.
Then they are gone.
Doesn't mean you stop worrying but you should try. You know, he chose to leave to go drinking, there is nothing you can do to change that, not the leaving or the drinking, it's what he wants to do, it's what alcoholics do.
He's not drinking at you or to be mean to you, neither did him choosing alcohol have anything to do with you, you are just collateral damage.
He will get by the same way he did before he met you. By drinking. A lot.
As for it being a charade, I'm sure he cared about you, you were together a long time, that is cared about you to the best of his ability, again, not to be compared to a "normal" relationship.
His first alliance is to alcohol.
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I actually just purchased that book the other day 
At first I didn’t think of myself as co-dependent, not having cleaned up after him or given him money ever, etc. He was very good at hiding everything except for when he lived with me and had some episodes he couldn’t hide. But I see now that emotionally I was (and am). I was always worried about his moods, trying to keep him happy, etc. and I didn’t tell my friends or family that it was an issue - I guess always hoping it was under control. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess though right?
At first I didn’t think of myself as co-dependent, not having cleaned up after him or given him money ever, etc. He was very good at hiding everything except for when he lived with me and had some episodes he couldn’t hide. But I see now that emotionally I was (and am). I was always worried about his moods, trying to keep him happy, etc. and I didn’t tell my friends or family that it was an issue - I guess always hoping it was under control. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess though right?Member
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Also, I think I thought because I wasn’t actively enabling it (he knew I would absolutely not be good with him drinking after I found out it was a problem), that also meant I wasn’t co-dependent. That’s not to say I would have left him because he had a slip or anything like that, but I was never going to just stand by and not try to get him into meetings, etc. I would have supported him in any way I could, as long as he was wanting to get help.
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The fact that you have that boundary, that you were not going to live with/be involved with an alcoholic is a good boundary. But that's for YOU, not for him. Your boundary is yours. Having him toe the line to it is a rule - not a boundary.
And in fact he decided he could not live with that rule, he tried, but no, that was not his choice.
Stay - and do my best not to drink and toe the line.
Leave - and drink as much as I want anytime I want.
He made his choice and he is a grown man. The truth is, he decided he didn't have a problem with his drinking - you do.
Again, nothing wrong with that! You are both grown adults and are absolutely entitled to decide how you live your lives and what you will and won't put up with.
You've read many stories, I'm sure about SOs that demand the alcoholic stop drinking or there will be hell to pay and they are leaving! And the alcoholic continues to drink.
Well it doesn't have to be an ultimatum. The alcoholic at anytime can decide they do not have enough freedom to drink the way they want to and they ensure they can, yes even if that includes leaving.
And in fact he decided he could not live with that rule, he tried, but no, that was not his choice.
Stay - and do my best not to drink and toe the line.
Leave - and drink as much as I want anytime I want.
He made his choice and he is a grown man. The truth is, he decided he didn't have a problem with his drinking - you do.
Again, nothing wrong with that! You are both grown adults and are absolutely entitled to decide how you live your lives and what you will and won't put up with.
You've read many stories, I'm sure about SOs that demand the alcoholic stop drinking or there will be hell to pay and they are leaving! And the alcoholic continues to drink.
Well it doesn't have to be an ultimatum. The alcoholic at anytime can decide they do not have enough freedom to drink the way they want to and they ensure they can, yes even if that includes leaving.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
Thank you for your kind words and trying to help me understand - even weeks later I still can’t quite believe the way it ended. He was never in any sort of program the entire time I knew him, and I believe attempted to stay sober on his own (or never really attempted, I don’t even know anymore). I feel sad, mad, and maybe betrayed most of all? We spoke to or saw each other every day since the day we met, and this total dismissal of me, after not so much as a fight even, has been very heart-breaking.
We also never had a real argument. Our relationship and spending time together was easy and uncomplicated from the start. Although he didn't warm up to other people easily and had some social discomfort, I was seemingly an exception for him. He wanted to spend as much time with me as possible...all the time. He did attend AA meetings with some regularity and was open about it. I really thought I'd found this great man, who happened to have been an alcoholic 5 years before I'd met him...and then he was gone.
Right now I'm learning at the Al-Anon meetings how to take care of myself and put myself first in my life. The support and camaraderie at the meetings has been most helpful. I cannot recommend it enough. Still I have days where I find myself missing him, am mad at him, or a combination of the two. Hearing others talk about their difficult life situations has provided some much needed perspective. Boy, is my situation less complicated than SO MANY others and I am thankful for that. Still, his sudden departure from my life has hurt me and I still feel it and expect that I will for some time. I have suffered a loss and have to allow myself time to heal from that. Sounds like the same is true for you.
I am truly sorry that you are going through this and sympathize with you and the loss you've experienced. Take care of yourself, stay busy, exercise (fresh air walks for me), surround yourself with good friends, and keep moving forward.
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Trailmix - very true. He decided my boundary was not something he wanted anymore. But, even knowing this probably played a large part in why he left, and I love him so much, this is also why I could never just stand by and watch him slowly ruin his life with alcohol. He has quite a past with it, and majorly screwed up everything once (that I know of) before he ever met me. I could never watch him go down that path. Fully agree - he’s an adult and he decided that it was not for him.
Emeraldgirl - your boyfriend sounds VERY similar to mine, only mine was never attending meetings that I am aware of. From what I’ve read though, just going through the motions of the meetings is simply not enough if the person does not actively want to change. Unfortunately for all.
Emeraldgirl - your boyfriend sounds VERY similar to mine, only mine was never attending meetings that I am aware of. From what I’ve read though, just going through the motions of the meetings is simply not enough if the person does not actively want to change. Unfortunately for all.
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Like you, at this point I have no way to know what really went on with my ex. What he told me may not be factual, though I do want to believe him...still. He was active in AA and lived a lifestyle that seemed to me to indicate that he was always working on maintaining his sobriety. How would I really know that though? The worst part is the sudden departure...like having the rug pulled out from under you by someone that you love...and I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. It is unusual to part ways with someone while not having had a disagreement. Tough to wrap one's head around to say the least. All my best to you and your journey through this. (And you will find your way through it, as I continue to do.) Two months ago, yesterday, and I still feel it. Just have to remember and be kind TO MYSELF. As do you. 
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Very hurtful and very hard to dismiss your concern about them, after they have probably shared all their deepest concerns and demons with you.
I think that is a hurdle that is hard and it takes a change of mindset to do it (and that is not easy) - it can be done though. Time helps.
I do hope you are putting a lot of focus on yourself? Eating well, being around people who care, getting as much sleep as you can. Focusing back on yourself and your life is key.
I think that is a hurdle that is hard and it takes a change of mindset to do it (and that is not easy) - it can be done though. Time helps.
I do hope you are putting a lot of focus on yourself? Eating well, being around people who care, getting as much sleep as you can. Focusing back on yourself and your life is key.
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Posts: 93
Emeraldgirl - hugs and best wishes to you as well, it’s true we will never really know and that is the hardest part maybe? Eventually we will just learn to accept it for what it was, I suppose, and move on...I may have to check out an Al Anon meeting, as you suggested
Trailmix - I am trying to take care of myself. Surrounding myself with my wonderful friends and family has helped tremendously. Thank you
Trailmix - I am trying to take care of myself. Surrounding myself with my wonderful friends and family has helped tremendously. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 37
The more time I spend in Al-Anon, the more I believe that for my ex it was stress and pressure in his work life that started the process of him parting from me. I think you hit the nail on the head yet again, Trailmix. It had nothing to do with me and I did nothing wrong...even my ex says so. I'm sure the same is true for Abandoned 80. Does that make it hurt any less? Not at all.
And you are right, self care is of utmost importance. Focus on that, keeping busy, being around supportive friends, and let yourself cry or feel mad when you need to. It's all a process...and it's yours. Do what makes you feel better. Writing it all out and sending it to him was a big help for me. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but needed to do it for myself...even if I didn't get any kind of response knowing it was out there in his hands was enough. Getting a response was a bonus...I WAS HEARD.
And you are right, self care is of utmost importance. Focus on that, keeping busy, being around supportive friends, and let yourself cry or feel mad when you need to. It's all a process...and it's yours. Do what makes you feel better. Writing it all out and sending it to him was a big help for me. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but needed to do it for myself...even if I didn't get any kind of response knowing it was out there in his hands was enough. Getting a response was a bonus...I WAS HEARD.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I'll also post for you a post made by another member here, AnvilheadII, which I think is rather brilliant:
From this thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7228784 (why do they forget us so easily?)
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it's not that some people (alcoholic or not) don't ENGAGE in relationships, they just don't pound the tent stakes in very far. this is handy when the "evacuation" order comes - which often looks like a partner pulling their covers ON their addiction and no longer being willing to tolerate the behavior. i've heard it referred to as the "hefty bag" rule - be ready to GO with what you can fit in a couple hefty bags and hit da road.
while it SEEMS very, very personal, it is not. it's what they do. it's one of the ways they PROTECT their addiction. from work, friends, family, truth, the police - anything that could possibly interfere. trust me, nothing wrecks a good spinner than having to go to work....in two hours......cuz you been up all night.
a lot of addicts do really TRY to be IN a committed relationship...they aren't THAT defective....it's that....well, relationships are complicated and require commitment and honesty, like all the damn time, and good lord can everybody just shut up and stop bothering me, i just want a damn BEER! it becomes situational...sure i'll play along, unless it no longer CONVENIENT to ME.
it's not that some people (alcoholic or not) don't ENGAGE in relationships, they just don't pound the tent stakes in very far. this is handy when the "evacuation" order comes - which often looks like a partner pulling their covers ON their addiction and no longer being willing to tolerate the behavior. i've heard it referred to as the "hefty bag" rule - be ready to GO with what you can fit in a couple hefty bags and hit da road.
while it SEEMS very, very personal, it is not. it's what they do. it's one of the ways they PROTECT their addiction. from work, friends, family, truth, the police - anything that could possibly interfere. trust me, nothing wrecks a good spinner than having to go to work....in two hours......cuz you been up all night.
a lot of addicts do really TRY to be IN a committed relationship...they aren't THAT defective....it's that....well, relationships are complicated and require commitment and honesty, like all the damn time, and good lord can everybody just shut up and stop bothering me, i just want a damn BEER! it becomes situational...sure i'll play along, unless it no longer CONVENIENT to ME.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7228784 (why do they forget us so easily?)
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