Kokoro

Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for the past month, to the point of obsession actually. I just wanted to post because whilst my head is telling me I have done the right thing, my heart is in alot of pain and wants to go the other way. Plus writing things out helps me, but I do apologise, it is quite long.

I met my now XABF roughly 3 years ago. Worked as colleagues initially but got along really well. I moved to another city and lost contact. Fast forward to about a year and a half ago we reconnected and well...it was a fairytale romance. From the first date I felt that this was special. We just *connected*.

Within a few weeks he professed his love for me, I followed suit not too slowly afterwards. It was nothing short of magical. Until the "truths" started coming out.

About 2 months into the relationship, I found out why he couldn't drive his car. It wasn't because he had speeding tickets like he initially told me. He had a DUI. And further to that he didn't give up his professional licence because he hated the job as he had told me, it was taken away from him because of the DUI. I found out all of this following a binge when he came traipsing home.

I (stupidly) believed this was a one off. I mean I asked him if he had a problem with alcohol and he said no. He wouldn't lie to me right? I forgave him omitting that detail about him because he was worried.

Few months forward, hey we were drinking normal amounts. Never drank to excess infront of me so never suspected anything (bar one incident when he met me in a bit of a stupor but that was because he was so exhausted right?!). I was starting a new job, moving to a new flat, and he was moving in with me after 6 months of knowing each other. Everything was going swimmingly.

I found out he was an alcoholic when I was locked out of my own flat and when I eventually got in, found him passed out inside with an empty bottle of wine next to him. When he eventually woke up, he started crying and exclaimed he thought he had a problem. I really felt for him. I really thought how can I abandon him in his time of need, this man is my soulmate! I hugged him and hushed his tears away and said everything would be okay. Our love was enough. He agreed abstinence was the only way.

Two weeks later he was acting a little bit odd. I was stressed out about work so I asked him to go to the shops. Whilst he was out, I needed something from his bag. Knowing what I know now I shouldn't have been shocked but I found a half empty bottle of vodka. Wine in my mind was "passable", who doesn't enjoy a glass of wine now and again but I knew vodka meant this was serious. You only ever drank vodka straight for the sole purpose of getting drunk. I left the bottle on the dining table and went to a nearby cafe to think. What on earth was my next move? My phone started blowing up from him so I came back to a guy who was an even worse state. He was argumentative, slurring and just unpleasant to be around. Admittedly I was even frightened and I called his parents to get him. Whilst waiting for his parents I waited outside in the rain because I was scared.
He recovered the next morning, made promises and he seemed really earnest this time. Looking up meetings, going to a therapist. I at the time was cautious but perhaps again still a bit naive. I was reading blogs about people who had recovered and I thought he really is not that bad so ofcourse he can recover! I did not attend alanon but the equivilant of one and the families there had it much much worse than me. He just had a "problem", he wasn't an alcoholic.

Fast forward approximately a year. He stopped attending the programmes he was on (due to job location) and I admittedly became really complacent as well. We were planning on getting engaged. Everything was going well. He had started up a new business which was what he wanted and seemed happy albeit a bit stressed. We even had furniture! He had his car...everything. We were so happy.

I am choking back tears as I write this next part. I never even in my wildest thoughts entertained what ended up happening 6 weeks ago. I had come back from an appointment and he was swaying. I thought...this is not right but surely not. I knew he was stressed recently but we were happy...

I found that damn empty bottle of vodka in his car. His CAR of all places. God knows if he was drinking and driving. Again. Had he not learnt his lesson? My mother was also there.

My world came crashing down then. The carpet had been pulled right from under me. It suddenly felt like groundhog day, this was happening all over again. Just...why though?

I kicked him out, took him to his parents. Resolved to not speak to him for 6 months. Plans for engagement were off. I wish I could say it ended there. My resolve wavered, he contacted me, we tried to mend things, started off with dates, give each other some space. I knew he was stressed even more because now our relationship was on the line but still there was a small bit of hope. He looked into rehab, started going again to meetings twice weekly along with a psychotherapist.

He was worth it. He was the sweetest man alive. So uncommonly kind in this cruel world. Treated me like a queen. Never drank everyday (to my knowledge in any case). Funny, intelligent, that good dose of awkward to compliment my own awkwardness. Handsome. Everything I could ever want.

The truth of it though was through going to alanon, through going to another equivilant group, through reading everything on this forum and even on reddit, my eyes were now open. I knew this was progressive. He actually didn't even like me looking these things up. Said it will make me worry. He wasn't going to end up like that. I already had stopped believing him, I knew I had to keep my eyes open this time.

The nail in the coffin was the next day following a good date, he drank and I got him hungover the following day. It wasn't even the drinking which killed it. I was actually coming round to making my peace with him relapsing, detaching and all. But he lied. Oh the lies. Even with a breathalyser, he still persisted in lying. And then he got cross, accusing me of not believing him, I had a moment of clarity. I could see my future and it was this endless cycle of him drinking, him lying, me getting annoyed and on and on it goes the merry-go-round. I can see myself becoming a broken woman. I am a happy positive person with a zest for life...and he was going to lead me to becoming a bitter shell. We would destroy each other.

He is now going to rehab a broken man. Even now I am still only 98% sure I had done the right thing in ending it. Please please help me quash that 2%, that 2% where I even daydream maybe in 5 years time I can have a life with him.

Amaranth

it's good that you posted. sorry for the trouble you have been through.

I had a moment of clarity. I could see my future and it was this endless cycle of him drinking, him lying, me getting annoyed and on and on it goes the merry-go-round.

hold onto this. It will help to quash that 2%

I'm sorry to say but that is exactly how all it always seems to go .....

Emeraldgirl

Hi Kokoro - I had never posted anything like this before either. My story is much earlier on than yours (no engagement, and only 7 months) and less severe than yours, but you should read all the input and advice that I received. My guy is/had been sober 5 years, and (I believe) honest with me. All of the input/advice/stories that people have shared are very enlightening and numerous.

My user name is Emeraldgirl and the thread name is "Shutout by Alcoholic Boyfriend" I haven't posted enough yet for this to let me post the actual link for you.

There is a lot there to go through but no doubt some of it will be helpful for you to read. I've just read through it all again and although the whole situation is still so very sad to me and my heart is hurt - things are improving, for me at least. I am attending Al-Anon and working on myself. Best I can do for now.

So sad to see someone you care about (or not be able to see them in my case) struggle with something like this. I really feel for you in your situation. Especially hard when your person seems to have such a sweet soul, as does mine. As much as my own heart hurts for me it also hurts for him.

All my best to you - take care of yourself and stay strong!

suki44883

Read around the forum, Kokoro. You will see that your situation is very common. Unfortunately, some people ignored the red flags and continued the relationship; some even marrying their addict. Now, they are here, wanting advice on what to do.

You are very smart for ending things before you tied yourself legally to an addict, or even worse, having children with them, effectively tying yourself to them forever. Although you may be hurting and questioning yourself now, please know that you are saving yourself massive misery on down the road. Hugs to you.

dandylion

Kokoro…..if this is what you can "too easily".....I sure would hate to see what you call "hard".....LOL!!

velma929

I *knew* my husband drank too much, I just thought he'd outgrow his drinking. Over the years, there were two OUIs, and three lost jobs. When he as fired, his employers didn't throw him under the bus. They used excuses like downsizing or such, so he sat around drinking and collecting unemployment.

Over the years, our social life became dependent on how much AH would be able to drink at the function. We didn't go on vacations, because 1) we couldn't afford it and 2) there wasn't a way for him to drink all day long. He stopped going to ballroom dance lessons (the only thing we did together). He withdrew money from his IRA to pay for beer and cigarettes without telling me, thus creating a higher tax bill. Our tax preparer told me, AH didn't.

This is who he is today. He's got some things to work through before he takes on a relationship. A long term relationship has challenges, even in the best of circumstances. You've avoided setting yourself up for more difficult life. Take care.

trailmix

Welcome Kokoro, glad you decided to post.

Right now you are no doubt very hurt and wishing you could just fly back to him and all would be well and the "good" will outweigh the "bad".

It absolutely does not work like that, please don't ever think that. He is all those things, he is not one or the other, certainly not right now.

The waiting 5 years for him to recover thing - have you played that forward?

Let's say that in his trip to rehab he totally embraces recovery. First of all, you have never known him as sober/in recovery. Sure he has stopped drinking a few times (maybe) but he hasn't really attempted long term recovery.

You don't really have any idea what that recovery is going to look like nor how he will be 5 years from now (and neither does he). And even that is assuming he makes it all work on his first go-round.

How's that 2% looking now?

You did the right thing although it surely does not feel like it right now.

Bekindalways

Welcome Kokoro, kudos for having the learning curve that you have. The realities of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict are super difficult to grasp. Most rules of relationship go out the window. It really is more like having a relationship with a tsunami than with another human.

It is unfortunate that so many fine, wonderful people are destroyed but substance abuse. Of course some do manage to escape but it tends to be a life long fight. People with 20 years of sobriety can relapse.

You are doing the right thing no matter how horrible it feels and anyone of us can testify to the excruciating pain there is when you walk away from an addicted loved one.

Please do take care of yourself. Eat right, stay hydrated, and get some exercise. treat yourself as if you are in some kind of emotional intensive care unit.

Let us know how you get on.

Gingerpeach

Kokoro, I understand the dream that maybe sometime in the future. But that is what it is, just a dream. The reality is what you have already experienced. I asked my EXABF directly early on if he needed to drink everyday. He told me no. In his denial he wasn't lying to me so much as himself. He told me months later when I confronted him again that he just "likes" to drink everyday. He came on strong and hooked you, it's a story that you will read a lot on this site. They need us hooked so we will stick around once we learn the truth of what being in a relationship with them means.
I'm working on myself so that i know i deserve more than a dream future; I deserve a real future and a real relationship based on honesty. You do too.

Emeraldgirl

As many of the others have said, please take care of yourself. Up until my boyfriend shut me out VERY suddenly I was walking 2 or 3 times per week. I now try to get out at least once per day for a good long walk, sometimes twice as work and other obligations allow. It seems that it helps every time and quiets an all-to-busy mind. Al-Anon meetings also help. Just hearing what the others have to say has also given me other things to think about and keep my mind occupied. Not to mention how welcoming and supportive everyone has been.

If you didn't read my thread...he has been sober for 5 years and suddenly cut all ties with me. Too much life stress at once it seems. Don't know for certain if he relapsed or not. My guess is that he came close, but didn't relapse. Nevertheless, he is suddenly gone from my life. What if things had been even more serious between us and this had happened. Where would it have left me? Now I am really hurt as well as worried about him, but my life is going to on. That's what he wants for me...something/someone better for me than he is. Too bad, really, and extremely sad but this choice wasn't mine. He made it for both of us and I will work through it.

All you did was make this difficult choice for you both. Who knows 5 years from now how solid he will be, will life's stresses throw him off track? No way to know. I had thought otherwise too, but seems I was wrong. No guarantees in these situations. I'm going to do my best to move on. It sounds like you already know what you should do.

Take care of yourself, and be as strong as you can...one day at a time.

Kokoro

Sorry I am on my mobile and I am not sure how to put responses in quotes but I thought I would fire off a message before I start my day.

Seriously thank you all for taking the time to respond. I did laugh at dandylion's response it was not easy at all but it's amazing how much you can get used to putting up with. The frog in a boiling pot analogy comes to mind and that was actually what scared me in the first place. I kept with the relationship because he was never abusive, didn't drink everyday (again as far as I knew, now with space I am beginning to see things which didn't make sense and I just brushed it aside, including finding him covered in vomit in the garage when he was supposed to meet me somewhere!) and was just a good guy all around. I mean it when he really he did treat me like a queen and we were a good team. Sadly through reading everything on here I did come to accept it will be nice...until it isn't. I wanted to leave when things were atleast positive and not when we have actually torn each other apart.

Kids were a big factor. I just couldn't bring kids into a situation so precarious as this. I don't think I would be able to forgive myself. I already have an extensive mental health history in my family (myself having suffered from anxiety and depression) so already have reservations about children...to add that would be just too cruel.

I am becoming more comfortable with my decision..I just think now I'm beginning to accept that he is really *gone*. I still have a few things in storage with him..I need to tackle that. Most of the stuff in my flat connected to him I have already given away. I can't quite bring myself to get rid of his more sentimental gifts and letters yet but that's okay..I think. For now.

I will try to look after myself in my own "emotional intensive care unit". I have taken time off work (I realised last week it was just making me even more stressed). I am trying to look at the positive that maybe I was meant to be his rock bottom. Maybe not. I know I will cheer for him from the sidelines.

NYCDoglvr

Both alcoholics and codependents suffer from denial and rationalization (I know this from personal experience). I suggest reading your post out loud .... of course it's time to leave! Realistically only about 10% of people entering rehab/recovery stay sober very long. And, even if he does can you say you trust and respect him after what he's done?

Kokoro

Oh I have become very aware over the course of the year, and not just through him I have a tendency to people please. I know why now through rherapy and it is something I am working on.

I still believe in him recoveribg, he could be that 10%...I just don't want to be in the crossfire anymore because it was really damaging me.

Newlife2019

It's always easier, in the moment, to retain the status quo and keep a relationship going. After all, you love him, thought he was your "soul mate," and were planning a life with him. The pain of a break-up seems too much to bear.

The truth is, you will survive. You will have many tears and sleepless nights, but you will survive. And a year or two down the road, you will thank God you made the decision to leave before you got married, had kids, and tied yourself to an alcoholic for the rest of your life.

Even if he does recover, the odds are good that he will relapse. The odds are nearly 100% that if you stay with him, you'll have years of anxiety and heartache, searching basements and garages and under car seats for his hidden vodka bottles, hiding his behavior from your family and friends, isolating yourself because you can't trust him in public, and becoming less and less of yourself every day.

Consider yourself lucky for discovering his addiction before you became legally bound to him. Run and keep running. You'll have a much better life.

- Someone who spent 35 years married to an alcoholic before finally divorcing and finding peace at age 57

Emmalyn

Hi kokoro-

Even when the alcoholic does get sober, there are years after where it is touch and go. I wouldn't put anyone through what I've been through the last five years.. and he was sober.

It becomes other addictions, weed, sex, food... it's really unimaginable to people who don't have addictive personalities. I'm not saying that addicts are unloveable, I'm just saying that mine was not relationship material. He loved me, I loved him, but sometimes love just ain't enough.

I hope you can reach 100%.. I've never made it that far.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" - C.S. Lewis

E

Nd819

When I first met my AH husband he was a binge drinker, I honestly just chalked it up to being young, having fun with friends, was only at social events and only occasionally. I was sure as we got older, had a family, he would just grown out of it. After all, I had so many friends that seemed to really enjoy getting drunk every now and again, seemed so "normal". We've now been married 17 years, have 2 teens and my husband has progressed to drinking every single night anywhere from 7-10 drinks. It absolutely sickens me. I feel trapped, anxious, depressed and so wish I had addressed seriously the red flags early on. I can't speak for all alcoholics but from what I see with mine is that he drinks because he can't cope with the normal ups and downs of life. Can't roll with the punches. Life can be challenging, you really want a partner who will step up and stand with you, not run and hide behind a bottle. Just my 2 cents. Good luck and big hugs to you!

hopeful4

I am so sorry for what brings you here.

The reality is, no matter how magical it was, or how good of a person he is, he is an addict who will drag you down with him if you allow it.

My XAH is a binge drinker. It turned our marriage into a toxic mess and made my children miserable as well.

Move forward and take good care of YOU.

Big hugs.

Kokoro

I will try and sort out my computer at some point so mobile posting it is for now. I am currently nursing a tummy bug at the moment. Just needing a vent right now.

I can't stop crying. Every single day (bar maybe the idd day inbetween) there is something just sets me off. I was doing better yesterday but watching this old couple whilst going for a walk..I ran back home and bawled. I am staying with my mum for now and she has never seen me in so much grief, I hate worrying her.

He is in rehab now and I can't help but wonder what is he doing. How is he feeling? Is he okay? I spoke to him before he went. There's still an awful lot of love there between us. This is going to sound really sick and self destructive but a part of me wonders if maybe I should just go back to him, wait for the likelihood he will wear me down and leave with me hating him 10 years down the line. So so sick I know. How many times would I need to be beaten up by this to learn my lesson.

Just my thoughts out loud. Right now I am really struggling.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry you're struggling, Kokoro. It is very tempting to return to a familiar situation, even if it is as unhealthy as this, in order to avoid feeling the pain of the loss.

I promise you will get through this--stronger and wiser than before. And in letting go of what is hurting you, you open up space in your live to let in better things.

dandylion

Kokoro…...I can remember crying so much, after a painful break-up, that I caused the water level to drop on the Eastern U.S.
I had never grieved so hard....
I felt like I would never find anyone that I would love as much as him, again....
Fortunately, for me...he had to move to another city for a residency....because I don't think I would have had the inner strength to leave the relationship myself. (he was not an alcoholic...but, he wanted to have his own biologic children---I already had 3 children, and, after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, during which I almost bled to death, I was unable to have any more children)…
about 6 months later, I met the man who would become the greatest love of my life.....lol....

My grieving took several months to get through the worst of it....

I think that so many people stay in relatioships that are bad for them, because they are so fearful of the grieving. Grieving can be so excruciating that people will avoid it at all costs...even when their brain knows better.....
They don't know that we are wired to grieve...BUT, we are equally wired to heal!
I call it the short term pain---for the long term gain....
You are so early in the grieving process....I assure you that it won't feel like this forever....

I think you are sooo wise about the children thing...if you are suffering, now...It is pain x 100 to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict with a child....
Your future will be charted by the choices that you make....
Keep reading,here...thousands of real life stories and find out what a future with an alcoholic can be like....

You need lots of support, right now.....besides your mother...I am sure that she is great, but, it may be too much for her. You need to be around others who can share your experiences.....
right now, I think human contact is the best medicine.....