Wwyd? Spouse still drinks..
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
Wwyd? Spouse still drinks..
Monday night was the last night I drank. We drank together, had a rough night, I was hungover Tuesday. He finished the bottle of whiskey on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Wednesday I decided I had enough and was going to get sober. I asked for his support and to maybe even join me at first or to keep it at a minimum, for me. Friday before coming home from work he stops at the liquor store and brings home 3 different kinds of liquor, and one is a two pack! I took a sleeping pill and went to bed early but I’m still feeling angry this morning. How should I handle this?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by peanut5024 
I’m still feeling angry this morning.
So put the anger aside. Resentments are sobriety killers. Perhaps your sobriety will encourage him to quit. So be the example.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
It would be great if your spouse supported you by not drinking. But you decided that you were going to quit. You cant decide for your husband, he'll have to do that. And he can't quit just to support you--no matter how nice that would be--he has to quit because he wants to be sober. Apparently he doesn't.
So put the anger aside. Resentments are sobriety killers. Perhaps your sobriety will encourage him to quit. So be the example.
So put the anger aside. Resentments are sobriety killers. Perhaps your sobriety will encourage him to quit. So be the example.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 18
Heart goes out to you
I think the right thing is to put the anger aside if you can and focus on your need to stay away I hope and pray that he will follow...might just take some time for him to see your serious but there is hope that he will join you and you can do that together
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
I have been sober for over a year and my wife never stopped drinking. I certainly never let her drinking affect my sobriety.
However, I do wish she would stop drinking. We have two small children and I think it would be nice if they could grow up in a house without alcohol. I seriously doubt she will ever quit though.
However, I do wish she would stop drinking. We have two small children and I think it would be nice if they could grow up in a house without alcohol. I seriously doubt she will ever quit though.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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I’m 17 months sober married to an active alcoholic. I had to separate myself from him and focus solely on myself and my sobriety. I read the friend and family forum often and have learned to stay on my side of the street and to detach from my husband.
It was hard for me to fully realize that I can only change myself and control my own actions. Once I finally understood that, and accepted that, I was able to make the changes I needed for myself.
Hang in there and keep moving yourself forward.
It was hard for me to fully realize that I can only change myself and control my own actions. Once I finally understood that, and accepted that, I was able to make the changes I needed for myself.
Hang in there and keep moving yourself forward.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Welcome to SR peanut, glad you've made the decision to quit - you will not regret it. Lots of great advice here already, and it can indeed be very difficult to stay sober when you are with someone who still drinks. It's certainly possible that your husband might see your quitting as an inspiration and quit too, but as others have said you cannot change him - he will need to make those choices himself. You'll find a lot of support here, also check out the friends and family section if you get a chance.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
My wife never stopped drinking, I haven't drank in 2 years 9 months. It can bother me sometimes. I just try to spend the time alone when she's bad and try my best to not let her drag me into some kind of fight about nothing. It's hardest when I see her pouring a glass of wine before noon on the weekends. It's a big reminder of what I've done to myself and I can feel some resentment at the fact that I can no longer drink. It makes it harder for me to follow the non drinking path for sure but I'm still on it.
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Originally Posted by peanut5024
youre right, thank you for saying what I needed to hear. I need to stop looking towards him for this and look at myself and forward for myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by peanut5024
youre right, thank you for saying what I needed to hear. I need to stop looking towards him for this and look at myself and forward for myself.
But I'm weak in that way. I admit. I need support and lots of it. I'm too easily tempted (or at least I used to be) to make it over the white knuckle part at the beginning of recovery. Now I could probably live with a woman who drank moderately, but not back then. And so much of my early recovery depended on my commitment to avoid all high risk situations like the plague, and how do you avoid your spouse like a plague?
Yet I know others who have done it. I hold them in awe.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 337
I am in the same position as you, my husband drinks every night, but as was pointed out to me, it was my choice to stop, when I look at him some nights when he has one eye closed trying to focus on what I'm saying, I just feel sorry for him and glad I'm not like that,
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Add me to the list of living with a drinking spouse. I in NO WAY blame him for when I have a relapse but his drinking does not make anything any easier. He goes through sobriety phases and that is always nice but he has no intention to quit. He fully admits to being an alcoholic too but I am definitely the worse of the two of us.
Its not easy OP, I feel ya. But, I have definitely seen proof from these boards that it is possible to stay sober with a drinking spouse. If they can do it, so can we.
Hang in there!!
Its not easy OP, I feel ya. But, I have definitely seen proof from these boards that it is possible to stay sober with a drinking spouse. If they can do it, so can we.
Hang in there!!
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Join Date: May 2011
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Originally Posted by Boggle10
I am in the same position as you, my husband drinks every night, but as was pointed out to me, it was my choice to stop, when I look at him some nights when he has one eye closed trying to focus on what I'm saying, I just feel sorry for him and glad I'm not like that,
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Join Date: May 2011
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Originally Posted by tekink
My wife never stopped drinking, I haven't drank in 2 years 9 months. It can bother me sometimes. I just try to spend the time alone when she's bad and try my best to not let her drag me into some kind of fight about nothing. It's hardest when I see her pouring a glass of wine before noon on the weekends. It's a big reminder of what I've done to myself and I can feel some resentment at the fact that I can no longer drink. It makes it harder for me to follow the non drinking path for sure but I'm still on it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
Thank you all for your encouragement and empathy for my post. I was afraid of posting for to be shredded online.. too many mommy groups in the past, I guess lol. Another sober night for me and dh is already straight passed out. I’m not feeling any resentment or jealousy like I thought I would be. I’ve made this choice for myself and I feel optimistic about it. I’ve been more productive today than I have been in a long time. Feels good.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by peanut5024
Thank you all for your encouragement and empathy for my post. I was afraid of posting for to be shredded online.. too many mommy groups in the past, I guess lol. Another sober night for me and dh is already straight passed out. I’m not feeling any resentment or jealousy like I thought I would be. I’ve made this choice for myself and I feel optimistic about it. I’ve been more productive today than I have been in a long time. Feels good.
and that is about it.You will find this place to be nothing but support. It is a wonderful
community.
Well done on staying sober!!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Oh the "one eye" made me almost spew my coffee!
It's extremely difficult for me. I don't have a full time living situation with my SO which I'm grateful for my time alone. Last night he called me three times to tell me he was going to bed as he couldn't remember that he'd called me.
I get weary of telling him how disappointed I am that he is not supportive of me in my sobriety I could cry. And I do. And I sometimes don't answer my phone when he's not here, or take a walk outside. The love and attraction has been long gone....
Hang in there, sobriety is our responsibility to work our program, not his. No one is coming to save us (thank you Lessgravity for that phrase). Only you can do this. Be strong, carry on. Good work on YOU!
It's extremely difficult for me. I don't have a full time living situation with my SO which I'm grateful for my time alone. Last night he called me three times to tell me he was going to bed as he couldn't remember that he'd called me.
I get weary of telling him how disappointed I am that he is not supportive of me in my sobriety I could cry. And I do. And I sometimes don't answer my phone when he's not here, or take a walk outside. The love and attraction has been long gone....
Hang in there, sobriety is our responsibility to work our program, not his. No one is coming to save us (thank you Lessgravity for that phrase). Only you can do this. Be strong, carry on. Good work on YOU!
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I was on the other side of this... I was that spouse that kept drinking. At first, I would go out - I wouldn't bring it home. But then I felt like I was out too much, so I started bringing booze home, a little at a time... eventually, the box of wine in the fridge and half a case of beer, whisky... I tried to be respectful, avoid getting too drunk around her... Later, she actually shared that she didn't notice how much I was drinking. I'd come home all pissed off about work and she'd tell me to have a glass of wine. I was so on edge back then that I think she preferred me mildly buzzed even though she was sober.
Here's the thing, and it's kind of a pattern in my life: We all gave my mom a hard time for drinking and smoking, and she never quit, and I'm now older than she was when she died from it. My wife smoked and I never gave her a hard time about it, and she quit about three years into our relationship. When she quit drinking she never pestered me about the fact that I didn't. It took five years, but eventually, I quit. I'm now over 5 years sober, she's over 10 years, and all is well.
So, like others said, do your thing and try not to be concerned about his drinking (unless he gets abusive; that's another story). The truth is, in those early days I was mourning the loss of my favorite drinking buddy - my wife. I wasn't ready to quit and I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life would be permanently altered because my wife no longer drank. I eventually figured out that if I wanted to be a bigger part of her life I would have to share in her new interests, sober or not.
And I actually didn't quit drinking because I felt I had to in order to save or improve the marriage. I quit drinking because I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My drinking got worse while she was sober, and I eventually hit a wall because I was miserable.
True confessions, maybe to help those who get angry or resentful with spouses who keep drinking... We all go through our own processes in our own time. But I wasn't a mean drunk. Anyone...if your spouse is mean to you, sober or not, that's a whole other issue...
Here's the thing, and it's kind of a pattern in my life: We all gave my mom a hard time for drinking and smoking, and she never quit, and I'm now older than she was when she died from it. My wife smoked and I never gave her a hard time about it, and she quit about three years into our relationship. When she quit drinking she never pestered me about the fact that I didn't. It took five years, but eventually, I quit. I'm now over 5 years sober, she's over 10 years, and all is well.
So, like others said, do your thing and try not to be concerned about his drinking (unless he gets abusive; that's another story). The truth is, in those early days I was mourning the loss of my favorite drinking buddy - my wife. I wasn't ready to quit and I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life would be permanently altered because my wife no longer drank. I eventually figured out that if I wanted to be a bigger part of her life I would have to share in her new interests, sober or not.
And I actually didn't quit drinking because I felt I had to in order to save or improve the marriage. I quit drinking because I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My drinking got worse while she was sober, and I eventually hit a wall because I was miserable.
True confessions, maybe to help those who get angry or resentful with spouses who keep drinking... We all go through our own processes in our own time. But I wasn't a mean drunk. Anyone...if your spouse is mean to you, sober or not, that's a whole other issue...
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