Update - anxiety/PTSD...Is this my happy ending?
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Location: San Diego, CA
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Update - anxiety/PTSD...Is this my happy ending?
Hi all,
I just wanted to post an update. As a quick summary, when I last posted, my AH (for the last 13 years) has had sobriety/relapse on and off. I filed for divorce in November, but we continued to live together and he was working on getting sober, but he kept relapsing. The divorce was going to take 6 months to finalize. At the end of May (when I could finalize the divorce), he relapsed again and left the house to a hotel. I couldn't get him to sign the papers because he refused to tell me where he was. He was in a bad place and as much as I tried to detach and remain strong, I was constantly worried. I couldn't even do a welfare check because I didn't know where he was. He would call me sounding very very bad and I experienced a worry and stress that I never ever want to go through again. It was a horrible time in my life. And then Sasha1972 posted about her XAH passing away and it sent my anxiety through the roof. I suddenly went into a panic that he would soon die and my sons too would lose their father at a young age. It upset me so much that I went into crazy mode and I was actually able to find out where he was using some detective work. I sent the police over to him to check on him. They found him so bad that they deemed him a danger to himself and forced him into hospital treatment. At first I felt terrible, because for one, I didn't allow him the dignity of helping himself. Second, the police called his job and he was placed under investigation (I was worried he would lose his job). My initial regret subsided when I reassured myself that at least he was alive. I don't know if it was the humiliation from the police getting involved, or the threat of losing his job, but he did end up getting more help for himself. He has been sober since June (5 months) and continues to work on himself. I agreed to put the divorce on hold. Things are going well, but I am not completely ok. I have moments when I will get "triggered". It can be something he does or says, or even reading something or seeing something on TV that relates to alcoholism. I will get a feeling of anxiety, with a feeling like the blood is draining from my face, and literally even shaking sometimes. It's a horrible feeling, and I can't get the worry out of my head. I feel like he is going to relapse at any moment and it scares me like nothing else. I even at times feel like I should just go through with the divorce just so I can stop that feeling of worry. I read on here constantly so I can feel better. I go to alanon. I go to therapy. All of this helps but it doesn't take those moments away. Anyone experience this? Anyone know any tips to get me to stop feeling this way? No matter how much I reassure myself, that feeling won't go away. Thank you all for being here. You have saved my life (and maybe my AH's too).
I just wanted to post an update. As a quick summary, when I last posted, my AH (for the last 13 years) has had sobriety/relapse on and off. I filed for divorce in November, but we continued to live together and he was working on getting sober, but he kept relapsing. The divorce was going to take 6 months to finalize. At the end of May (when I could finalize the divorce), he relapsed again and left the house to a hotel. I couldn't get him to sign the papers because he refused to tell me where he was. He was in a bad place and as much as I tried to detach and remain strong, I was constantly worried. I couldn't even do a welfare check because I didn't know where he was. He would call me sounding very very bad and I experienced a worry and stress that I never ever want to go through again. It was a horrible time in my life. And then Sasha1972 posted about her XAH passing away and it sent my anxiety through the roof. I suddenly went into a panic that he would soon die and my sons too would lose their father at a young age. It upset me so much that I went into crazy mode and I was actually able to find out where he was using some detective work. I sent the police over to him to check on him. They found him so bad that they deemed him a danger to himself and forced him into hospital treatment. At first I felt terrible, because for one, I didn't allow him the dignity of helping himself. Second, the police called his job and he was placed under investigation (I was worried he would lose his job). My initial regret subsided when I reassured myself that at least he was alive. I don't know if it was the humiliation from the police getting involved, or the threat of losing his job, but he did end up getting more help for himself. He has been sober since June (5 months) and continues to work on himself. I agreed to put the divorce on hold. Things are going well, but I am not completely ok. I have moments when I will get "triggered". It can be something he does or says, or even reading something or seeing something on TV that relates to alcoholism. I will get a feeling of anxiety, with a feeling like the blood is draining from my face, and literally even shaking sometimes. It's a horrible feeling, and I can't get the worry out of my head. I feel like he is going to relapse at any moment and it scares me like nothing else. I even at times feel like I should just go through with the divorce just so I can stop that feeling of worry. I read on here constantly so I can feel better. I go to alanon. I go to therapy. All of this helps but it doesn't take those moments away. Anyone experience this? Anyone know any tips to get me to stop feeling this way? No matter how much I reassure myself, that feeling won't go away. Thank you all for being here. You have saved my life (and maybe my AH's too).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by sotired77 
Anyone know any tips to get me to stop feeling this way? No matter how much I reassure myself, that feeling won't go away..
To this day, it still makes me uncomfortable when someone comes home. Whether that was one of my ex Husbands (non-alcoholics) or a room mate. Doesn't matter.
Now of course it doesn't hold the same fear it did when I was say, 8 or 14, but I doubt it will ever go away.
How can you expect to heal when you haven't changed anything? You are still living with the person that traumatized you.
You are not responsible for his recovery, for his drinking or not drinking, you are not his saviour. What you are is a person, with a conscience that has been roped in to a very bad, very volatile situation.
You should perhaps let the divorce go forward, if for no other reason than legally separating your finances for when he is charged with a DUI, where he may injure someone. He has only been sober for 15 minutes but has convinced you to change your plans, taking away your power.
Are you even in any type of "romantic" relationship now or are you the designated caretaker?
Truthfully, you need some distance and yes, that includes physical distance. If he is back living with you perhaps he would be better off in a group home or sober living facility? He is not your responsibility. He is not an infant and you are not a psychiatrist. You can't stop him from relapsing or not, never forget that. The alcoholic traumatizes the family, circles back around while in "recovery" where everyone is to tend to his fragile state and ignore their own trauma. Is he looking out for you? Checking in to see how you are doing? Talking to you about it? Explaining what he was up to and what his thinking was? Apologized for being such an ass and causing you to worry? Is ANY of this about you?
What if he relapses, how on earth will you handle that?
Detach.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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-----------sotired…..your symptoms sound reminiscent of ptsd…..
I don't know anything about your therapy...how often, how intense, what kind of specialist--if any.
I do think that the degree of your symptoms sounds serious, to me....and, it seems cruel to put yourself through this kind of suffering.
Perhaps, you could consider consulting a psychiatrist----because they are PHYSICAL DOCTORS....and can evaluate your symptoms. Even if you continue to see your regular therapist. You m ight even need a therapist who specializes in trauma......because it sure sounds like you are traumatized.
don't deny yourself the kind of treatment that fits your condition.
You might need to be separated, in physical space, from the source of your trauma.....
I think that professional help and guidance would be very important for you, at this time.
sometimes, a person is so deep into the woods that it is impossible to see the forest for the trees..... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know anything about your therapy...how often, how intense, what kind of specialist--if any.
I do think that the degree of your symptoms sounds serious, to me....and, it seems cruel to put yourself through this kind of suffering.
Perhaps, you could consider consulting a psychiatrist----because they are PHYSICAL DOCTORS....and can evaluate your symptoms. Even if you continue to see your regular therapist. You m ight even need a therapist who specializes in trauma......because it sure sounds like you are traumatized.
don't deny yourself the kind of treatment that fits your condition.
You might need to be separated, in physical space, from the source of your trauma.....
I think that professional help and guidance would be very important for you, at this time.
sometimes, a person is so deep into the woods that it is impossible to see the forest for the trees..... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are in therapy, you are going to Al-Anon. But are you really engaged with and focused on your OWN recovery? Are you working the Steps with a sponsor? Do you spend more of your time with your therapist talking about him than you do about you? It's easy to lose yourself in someone else's issues, and sometimes feels safer than dealing with your own.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you guys. It gave me a lot to think about. Many times we think “if only he/she would get sober...”, but even after sobriety there’s still a lot of work to be done. I haven’t been working the steps. I’ve just been plain WORKING. I’ve been working too many hours (not by choice) and it’s kept me so busy that I haven’t had much time for anything else. I’ve managed to squeeze in meetings, but even then, as soon as the meeting is done, I’m rushing out the door. My AH is aware of my emotional state and he does try to reassure me. He’s working his steps with his sponsor and but hasn’t gotten to the step where he makes amends for what he’s done. He’s apologized to me many times already for what he’s put us through. He’s been trying very hard to be a better person, spending a lot of time with the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing sweet things for me and trying to be more romantic. We’ve become very close and I’m glad he’s in my life. I think that’s what makes it hard. If he was a jerk I could easily move on. But he’s been so good and kind. It upsets me to think that he could relapse again. I know it would be hard on the kids too since they’ve gotten so close to him. Ugh, I guess I just have to trust that I’d get through it if he did relapse. The divorce papers are already ready. No one knows the future, not even the alcoholic. We all just have to trust. Thank you for your words. You don’t realize how much they mean to me.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I remember the anxiety you are describing. I always felt it most when my AXBF was sober (the white-knuckling kind). I think deep down I knew it was just a matter of time before he would start drinking again.
It's difficult to get a hold on anxiety when a) you're running around like a headless chicken and b) your circumstances haven't changed. The solution with the most potential to end the anxiety is separating yourself from the person causing it. I think you know that.
It was a fact I denied for years. My heart goes out to you.
It's difficult to get a hold on anxiety when a) you're running around like a headless chicken and b) your circumstances haven't changed. The solution with the most potential to end the anxiety is separating yourself from the person causing it. I think you know that.
It was a fact I denied for years. My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired…..what about the symptoms that you described to us? Are you just planning to "suck them up"...….why can't you see a professional about the symptoms while you are trying to lead a family life?
symptoms that are ptsd-like don't tend to get better on their own. there is treatment...…
It sounds so miserable, to me, to continue to live with such a level of suffering.....
symptoms that are ptsd-like don't tend to get better on their own. there is treatment...…
It sounds so miserable, to me, to continue to live with such a level of suffering.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I'm really glad to hear that he is in a program and it sounds like he is really making an effort to try to heal some of the damage he has done.
That's a really positive thing.
Perhaps something that would make you feel better is to have a plan in case he does relapse? What is your boundary? Do you leave at that point (probably a wise idea). If that would be your boundary, where would you go. Do you have some money saved up so that you could make that exit quickly.
Maybe if you have a firm boundary and a firm plan in place, that will make you feel less powerless and alleviate some of your stress? While you don't want to live your life like there is a potential relapse lurking around the corner at all times, having that plan might enable you to relax a bit, once the decision is made.
I second what dandylion has said. I really do hope you take the time to look after yourself and get that help.
That's a really positive thing.
Perhaps something that would make you feel better is to have a plan in case he does relapse? What is your boundary? Do you leave at that point (probably a wise idea). If that would be your boundary, where would you go. Do you have some money saved up so that you could make that exit quickly.
Maybe if you have a firm boundary and a firm plan in place, that will make you feel less powerless and alleviate some of your stress? While you don't want to live your life like there is a potential relapse lurking around the corner at all times, having that plan might enable you to relax a bit, once the decision is made.
I second what dandylion has said. I really do hope you take the time to look after yourself and get that help.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Yes on the PTSD/Anxiety- was much worse in the beginning now only smells and witnessing similar behaviors even by strangers, instead of having basically a panic attack like used to happen now its just a sad memory. IME the damage done will NOT go away with time you have to actively through it. I tried living with the AH but that kept me in survival mode instead of healing mode, personally I got nowhere until we lived separately. The first few weeks were very hard because I missed just having the thought that another person was responsible to (this was never the actual reality). After accepting that I have been the only responsible adult around for years this is when I settled into my much less chaotic life. Now after really embracing this drama free lifestyle, my tolerance for drama is almost non existent, which means there would be no reconciliation with AH (who is still actively clinging to his victim status desperately). Its the reality of my situation, and mine only. I wouldn't have kn own there was a different style of living available had I not set the boundary and pressed paused on my current situation. No Contact is a real game changer and allows time to heal, learn who you are and who you want to be. FYI - I don't know you're particular financial situation, but years ago after drunk driving incidents (no charges) under the guise of our teenage drivers I got AH to agree to an umbrella policy covering our "estate", basically protecting the the family estate from liquidation due to an "at fault" accident - Just something to think about even if following through, its not very expensive and it protects the assets until divorce if finalized (I am 2.5 years in....just saying)
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I am so glad the he chose to get sober. That's wonderful. Now, that is his to work on. You sound like you have PTSD. There are things that can help with that. If you have a therapist, ask them about EMDR which can really help with PTSD. Just a thought.
Keep working on you. Big hugs!
Keep working on you. Big hugs!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by sotired77
Thank you guys. It gave me a lot to think about. Many times we think “if only he/she would get sober...”, but even after sobriety there’s still a lot of work to be done. I haven’t been working the steps. I’ve just been plain WORKING. I’ve been working too many hours (not by choice) and it’s kept me so busy that I haven’t had much time for anything else. I’ve managed to squeeze in meetings, but even then, as soon as the meeting is done, I’m rushing out the door. My AH is aware of my emotional state and he does try to reassure me. He’s working his steps with his sponsor and but hasn’t gotten to the step where he makes amends for what he’s done. He’s apologized to me many times already for what he’s put us through. He’s been trying very hard to be a better person, spending a lot of time with the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing sweet things for me and trying to be more romantic. We’ve become very close and I’m glad he’s in my life. I think that’s what makes it hard. If he was a jerk I could easily move on. But he’s been so good and kind. It upsets me to think that he could relapse again. I know it would be hard on the kids too since they’ve gotten so close to him. Ugh, I guess I just have to trust that I’d get through it if he did relapse. The divorce papers are already ready. No one knows the future, not even the alcoholic. We all just have to trust. Thank you for your words. You don’t realize how much they mean to me.
How are you doing today?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by sotired77
Hi all,
And then Sasha1972 posted about her XAH passing away and it sent my anxiety through the roof. I suddenly went into a panic that he would soon die and my sons too would lose their father at a young age. It upset me so much that I went into crazy mode and I was actually able to find out where he was using some detective work. I sent the police over to him to check on him. They found him so bad that they deemed him a danger to himself and forced him into hospital treatment. At first I felt terrible, because for one, I didn't allow him the dignity of helping himself. Second, the police called his job and he was placed under investigation (I was worried he would lose his job). My initial regret subsided when I reassured myself that at least he was alive. I don't know if it was the humiliation from the police getting involved, or the threat of losing his job, but he did end up getting more help for himself. He has been sober since June (5 months) and continues to work on himself. I agreed to put the divorce on hold. Things are going well, but I am not completely ok. I have moments when I will get "triggered". It can be something he does or says, or even reading something or seeing something on TV that relates to alcoholism. I will get a feeling of anxiety, with a feeling like the blood is draining from my face, and literally even shaking sometimes. It's a horrible feeling, and I can't get the worry out of my head. I feel like he is going to relapse at any moment and it scares me like nothing else. I even at times feel like I should just go through with the divorce just so I can stop that feeling of worry. I read on here constantly so I can feel better. I go to alanon. I go to therapy. All of this helps but it doesn't take those moments away. Anyone experience this? Anyone know any tips to get me to stop feeling this way? No matter how much I reassure myself, that feeling won't go away. Thank you all for being here. You have saved my life (and maybe my AH's too).
And then Sasha1972 posted about her XAH passing away and it sent my anxiety through the roof. I suddenly went into a panic that he would soon die and my sons too would lose their father at a young age. It upset me so much that I went into crazy mode and I was actually able to find out where he was using some detective work. I sent the police over to him to check on him. They found him so bad that they deemed him a danger to himself and forced him into hospital treatment. At first I felt terrible, because for one, I didn't allow him the dignity of helping himself. Second, the police called his job and he was placed under investigation (I was worried he would lose his job). My initial regret subsided when I reassured myself that at least he was alive. I don't know if it was the humiliation from the police getting involved, or the threat of losing his job, but he did end up getting more help for himself. He has been sober since June (5 months) and continues to work on himself. I agreed to put the divorce on hold. Things are going well, but I am not completely ok. I have moments when I will get "triggered". It can be something he does or says, or even reading something or seeing something on TV that relates to alcoholism. I will get a feeling of anxiety, with a feeling like the blood is draining from my face, and literally even shaking sometimes. It's a horrible feeling, and I can't get the worry out of my head. I feel like he is going to relapse at any moment and it scares me like nothing else. I even at times feel like I should just go through with the divorce just so I can stop that feeling of worry. I read on here constantly so I can feel better. I go to alanon. I go to therapy. All of this helps but it doesn't take those moments away. Anyone experience this? Anyone know any tips to get me to stop feeling this way? No matter how much I reassure myself, that feeling won't go away. Thank you all for being here. You have saved my life (and maybe my AH's too).
I'm glad my experience may have helped someone else. I got the outcome that I think everyone on these boards fears.
The anxiety and worry sounds familiar. It sounds like you're hypervigilant, and your mind and body are alert to danger (especially if your AH had a near-death experience - that's going to condition a threat response for sure).
I second the suggestion to see a medical doctor (someone with an MD - a psychiatrist has this as well as a general doctor). If you get some of the physical symptoms under control, it may help with the racing thoughts (because the physical stuff cues the mental stuff). For me, exercise has been an absolute game-changer.
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