DriGuy

We tend to cling to solutions that worked for us and sometimes press them on others. I found my self wanting to do this in the thread where the sponsor demanded 90 meetings in 90 days. Something I find myself wanting to push , although not as adamantly as that sponsor in question.

But it got me thinking about something we need to keep in mind when trying to help. When someone says, "The only thing that worked for me was ____," I would argue that this is probably wrong. What the person is saying is, "The FIRST thing that worked for me was ____."

We become attached to that first thing that worked, and when you find a thing that works you tend to stop there. And why not? If you find a solution, you really don't need another solution, because you solved the problem. We may then overestimate the value of this first solution as the only solution.

Likewise when a person says, "I tried everything," he should stop and take a better look. Everything? I doubt it, especially when there are many things that can be tried. It's a corollary of that old adage that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and always getting the same result. When confronted with frustration we often do that. Trying not to drink didn't work, so we tried not to drink again, only harder this time, and even harder on subsequent tries. It seems like we tried an awful lot, but we were really only trying one thing.

I think we need to keep that in mind when we find ourselves failing. Are we really trying other ways to succeed, or are we just doing the same thing a lot of times? We need to keep this in mind when looking for solutions, and it also true for us would be helpers. The goal is to help someone get sober, not to convince them there is only one way to do that.

Well, duh!? We already knew that... or did we?

daisy1

True. When the doctor asked me what I was doing to help myself stop drinking I told him I was attending all the groups I could, loading with various professionals and I still kept relapsing. Nothing works! I wailed. He said to me, you could have all the help available in all the world and it's still down to you and you only to sort this out. I have no idea why this stuck more than all the things said to me before.

SoberRican

Me I'm like a sponge I gather as much Intel as possible and apply them. I go with what I feel comfortable with. That works. Hey if it aint broke dont fix it. No sauce in a 195 days so I'm doing somethin right. ✌

Epictetus

Totally true. It's completely up to the individual. Taking personal responsibility for one's choices and ownership of one's situation.

You can bring a horse to water but you cannot make him drink it (unless you salt his oats of course: $$$$$$$$$$$$.)

Nothing will "work" while a person is still trapped in a victim mentality. Changing a victim mentality is the first step on the road to the path towards freedom.

Winslow

Yep,love this and it's the absolute truth!

DriGuy

Some people just say things in some particular way at the right time that you recognize as of great importance. I don't know if such people have knack for it, or if it's just an accidental one time comment. Many times something important is said to us that just passes by us like we never heard it. Other times we are just ready to hear it and we recognize it's important, even if we don't fully understand at that time.

Callas

Obviously the number of possibilities that exist in the universe is infinite. I can only try that which is in my sphere of reference and understanding.

royalportion

Thoughtful post... The first thing to work for me was someone mirroring my shame.

August252015

Sounds like the kind of parsing of words and qualifiers and "how can x or y be literal?" when I didn't want to do what people were telling me had worked for them. If I was balking endlessly and tearing people's words apart, I would never have gotten sober.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Me doing it myself worked for 13 months after my life was shattered by active alcoholism. Then I relapsed for 13 months on and off.

I can't do it myself because that little alcohol demon in my head eventually breaks my willpower. I dont look at this as a moral failing or a weakness - but rather a symptom of my alcohol use disorder (colloquial - alcoholism).

CRRHCC

If you think about it, you can't get addicted, to a substance, unless you have learned the drug helps you do something. Feeling compelled to use a drug (or any compulsive behavior) arises from important reasons inside people, not from an inanimate bottle or substance!​ ​Addictive behaviors are never random, there is always a reason and a reward. There is always a, "Trigger-Behavior-Reward-Repeat." In the final analysis, if you truly didn’t want to do something, then you wouldn’t do it. You are driven to always pursue happiness (reward); everyone is. The only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness in the change, than in the using. We stop abusing substances and other behaviors, when we decide (reason) abusing is not the best option for our happiness.

Recognize: Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes one feel overwhelmingly trapped). Recognize the feeling, define it, be aware of it but don't become the feeling! Where in your body do you feel it? How bad is it on a 1-10 scale. Off load the feeling by writing or talking about it. Feelings are always temporary.

Reframe: Reframe the pros and cons of acting on your feelings. Reframe with curiousity! Curiosity is rewarding! What is your best available option for being happy? The only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness in the change than in the using. Do a spread sheet of Cost Benefit Analysis. Are you catastrophizing things? Change your thinking.

Replace: Empower yourself and regain control over helpless, powerless, trapped feelings with a high value activity that makes you feel in control(empowered). (exercise, music, read, pray, write: whatever you want to do that can be fun or of high value to you!
When you are aware and curious you can experience the joy of letting go.