LifeRecovery

Just back from a therapy appointment so some of this is not quite clear.

I realized in therapy how lonely I have been recently.....but I think it is a positive and a sign of growth. Curious on your thoughts on this?

I am lonely for realness and connection. I am lonely for the give and take of real friendship. I am lonely like you long for a hearty, healthy, substantial meal and all you can see is fast food joints in sight.

The last number of months have opened me up to re-new old relationships and starting new ones, but I think this loneliness in part includes another letting go of expectations and relationships that are no longer working well for me. I think I have a new template of what friendship means, and this seems all wrapped up in the safety of boundaries and connection.

Recovery has challenged me to re-frame "negative" emotions like anger, why not loneliness?

Any feedback appreciated.

trailmix

I know exactly what you mean, I've been thinking along the same lines.

I do have a couple of people like this in my life and I'm grateful for that, but what I have been thinking is I want more. I find people interesting, I want to meet people who think about things, who have an opinion they can back up (I don't mean at a scholar level, I mean, hey, I have thought about this a bit lol).

I love to hear other perspectives. It's actually one of the reasons I like SR recovery so much.

I know they are out there, have to go find them : )

SparkleKitty

It's interesting this comes up now.

Last Sunday, I closed a show that's been running since mid-September and before that it started rehearsals in mid-July. Due to some restructuring and uncertainty at my day job, I had taken a break from performing for two years prior to starting this process.

I only knew one person in this show before starting, and we were mostly social media acquaintances. Since I am a company member at this particular theatre (and the only company in the show) I like to take it upon myself to make sure people feel welcome in our space and in our process. So I got to know people. I'm naturally introverted, so I kind of had to work at it. But I found it delightful. And we spent a ton of time together, like a second family.

Now the show is closed, I've fallen into a funk. I won't see many of them again for some time. I might not ever be in a show with any of them again. I've been doing theater for like, twenty-five years, so none of this is news to me. Still, it's hitting me harder this time than it usually does.

My therapist suggests that my social needs might be shifting. I have a handful of close friends and a ton of friendly acquaintances, but maybe I'm looking to expand my social circle more.

I've never been afraid of being alone. And my husband and I have long been very happy when it's just the two of us, for long stretches at a time. But now I've got an itch to get to know more people better, expand our social calendar and circle more, and see what happens. Maybe it's the holiday season. Possibly in July I'll go back to being the hermit I've always been.

But there's a sense of loneliness in me right now that I haven't experienced in a long time. My instinct is to judge it; my better nature says to just observe it and see if it leads to something. I'm trying to do the latter.

ironwill

LifeRecover,

Loneliness is a strange companion. There are some times that you crave it when your mad or upset at your qualifier. But then there are times that you want it to just go away, cause your craving the company of another human being to communicate with.

Their were lots of times when I would be in the same room as my AW and still feel lonely. I would ask a question and just be ignored, she was always on her phone looking up something on social media, texting, or checking her email. I believe it's called a soft exit. It's their way of shutting you out without actually leaving. Then if I would try and state that she spent to much time on her phone, I would get the I'll spend as much time on my phone as I like argument. Then she would just shut me out. Made for tough times. I felt really alone during those times. She still does it, but not to the extent it was when she was drinking.

I like coming here and helping other. I want to let other people know that they are not alone and we are here to help them. Me letting them know that they are not alone make me feel less alone some times. Why I have a lot of acquaintances, I have very few close friends that I can just open up to. So it nice to have the SR family to talk to.

If you can find a good friend ,that you can talk about all things good and bad and get an honest answer back. You will never feel lonely. One good friend like that is worth more then a whole room full of acquaintances where you still feel alone. I hope you continue to come here and post. We are here and you will never be alone as long as you keep coming here. Keep being strong and have a good evening.

FarmhouseGal

trailmix

I'm glad you didn't! I think there are a lot of people who can relate to really having most connection/activities centered around your SO, I mean really, that's pretty normal isn't it? There is a reason you chose to marry them/live with them.

I'm glad you are going to look in to therapy. Sometimes when we are particularly low or troubled it's kind of the last thing we want to do, actually doing that is probably one of the best things to do. I'll be interested to know what you learn and I hope your therapist is brilliant.

ironwill

at FHG,

I'm glad you didn't delete it also. That was a great share. Those little things you talk about is what it means to me. I have a little dish that I keep my AL-Anon chip in that states "It's the little things" on the plate. I get my 3 month chip next Monday. I'm glad your looking into getting therapy. Every bit of help that you can get will help you get through this so much stronger. So I hope you have a beautiful day and keep being strong.

Emmalyn

Hi LifeRecovery-

Recovery has challenged me to re-frame "negative" emotions like anger, why not loneliness?

I too struggle with lonliness, and I've been giving it a little thought since you brought the subject up.

In the past, I have craved being alone.

In the living situation I'm in now, I'm rarely alone. The other day I had about two hours where the house was empty except for me and my pup.. and boy did it feel great. I played a show I've been wanting to see, but couldn't watch around the others (political reasons- we've settled on not talking about politics, it's just easier that way). We are family, just have to agree to disagree in that regard.

After they left, I felt like a teenager! Free!

But in some ways, I've never been more alone.

My adult children and ex boyfriend are thousands of miles away, and those are the people that know me the best. I miss them very much.

For the first time in probably 25 years, I can devote almost 100 percent of my attention to ME.

And that's the truly scary part... I really don't like focusing on me! So if I don't like it, why is that? Because I really don't like me very much.

So if I can reframe my loneliness into a postive here, it would probably be something like this.

I have the opportunity now to finally figure out what I like, what I want, and who I really am, and maybe start to like myself again. I really need to work on being kinder to myself, and putting my needs forefront.

A part of me thinks that is soooo selfish... I might need to work on that too.

E

trailmix

Yes, that can be a toughie! I know what you mean. You know, one of the things that helped me was, with so much talk about "loving" yourself, I just couldn't think that realistically.

So instead I started with accepting myself. The way I am, the way I look the things I say and do, all of it. I think that's not quite as hard as saying "I loveeeeeeee me". But I do think that is achievable too.

Honestly, you really are good just the way you are. That doesn't mean there are not things you want to change, whether that is loosening up, learning a second language or cutting your hair short - but if you can just accept yourself, truly, as you are, it's a great beginning.

Doing things for yourself is not selfish.

LifeRecovery

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have a sense of what this is not, but not a sense of what it is necessarily.

It is not the loneliness of being with someone who cannot hear me because his/her pain is so deep that they are in their own shame and cannot see a way out.

It is not the loneliness of complete lack of connection with myself or others.

I know what it is not because as so many of you so much more eloquently wrote I have been there and done that.

The words that are rising to the top with this loneliness is vulnerability , connection, nostalgia and resonance . I have been fortunate in my life to have good friends both short and long-term, who I can be deeply myself with. Recovery has given me those tools and I am so grateful. I live a great distance from many of them however and I am nostalgic for times when we were physically closer.

Actually writing that paragraph made me realize I think I finally have the LifeRecovery tools but I am not always finding relationships to use them in. I am capable of allowing myself to be seen. I am capable of seeing and being present with other people now.....and I don't know that I am getting the chance to do it (or creating the chances). I am doing it in work that I love, and I am seeing the difference in my work because of it (I am a health care provider), but I am struggling to lean in more on this in my personal life. I feel like I am finally capable of connections in my life, but am not always allowing myself to be in it.

I am sorry that I posted earlier and then have not been on for a few more days. think that since I first posted I have flushed some of my challenges out. I think part of my loneliness is about my co-dependent tendencies. There is a difference between connection of being with someone during a time of challenge/crisis, and being in relationships where in the big picture there is a equal back and forth of "being" between people. I think I am comfortable with the former, and have tried to build many of my relationships based on that, but is unequal because of who I am choosing to be in relationship with. It is those relationships that I need to shift expectations around and/or let the relationship go. I think I am lonely for resonance of others willing to be in their own recovery that I can share my challenges and successes with. It is clear I am finally starting to shift towards people that are safe in their own skin and considering what we can do for each other rather than only considering what I can do for them as a sign of friendship.

Finally just to make sure I am completely honest part of what cracked this open for me is that I have had my first crush since my ex-problem drinker and I divorced. It is "messy" emotionally for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with the guy I am crushing on. It has brought up a lot of sophomoric feelings and tendencies from my past. It has brought into sharp focus what I want to let go of/do differently in relationships now that I have some healthy muscle memory.....but I long for it in all aspects of my life not just in intimate relationships. I feel like I am relatively right with myself and feel like I want to take this show on the road....and don't quite now how, and certainly don't know how to keep a healthy balance between time to myself/time with others, where both are deeply fulfilling. I typically score 50/50 on introversion/extroversion and struggle to find a balancing act that works for me.

Phew that I a lot of garbled writing, never mind the crazy garbled feelings.

I trust my process of recovery. I am so grateful that I gave myself a chance to change. I am so grateful to be in "relationship" with you all that are also on this recovery journey.

LifeRecovery

So this seems to be circling for me again with a new layer.

I have serious control issues.

Many of them have been improved on this journey of recovery.

Thanks to a response post I made here last week I realized though that I am still trying to "control" my life, who I meet and let into it and the balance that someone brings into my life.

I am trying to control not being hurt.

I realized that I am halting a lot of potential lovely things in my life with this attitude. If I "knew" that taking in a foster dog would lead to a few to many dogs and a bonus kid in my life I would not have done it.....and now I can't imagine a life without it. What else am I missing out on?

This control still infiltrates other areas of my life, besides loneliness. My attitude around money, my struggle to meditate (because I can't control what may come up), my inability to work downtime into my life (just the way I worded that part of the sentence arghh)! I struggle with balance in relationships, and my original and at times still highly present "coping" skill food behaviors.

Any insight would be appreciated. I have been waiting for this piece to come up.

neutronstar

Your post resonated with me as I have recently lost my alcoholic partner and over the years gradually detached to protect myself since I could see he was not improving. Then when he was diagnosed with liver failure I detached even more into my work, watching videos on demand, watercolor painting, gardening, shopping. He lived in privacy over his condition which then transferred over to me to live in privacy since he was so paranoid about what I would say to friends and family. I struggled with this because underneath it all he had the best of intentions and he had a heart of gold to help others in need, the homeless or people with addictions. He still contributed by arranging repairs at the house, cooking my breakfasts, lunches and meals, getting groceries and helping around the house. I also let my world revolve around him and convinced myself that I was strong enough to get through myself. I am now dealing with my grieving process and the friends and family I hid from because I just couldn't open up fully about his situation. I am in the process of trying to reset but trying to keep busy to not be lonely.

Kokoro

Can I just say thank you for writing this beautiful post. I too am feeling like this currently. I have found my SMART recovery group and that has helped alot in alleviating that but I still crave more. It doesn't help that I am also in a profession which is very full on so I don't have as much time to socialise (although this situation is getting better). I am blessed to have close friends who will listen to me whenever I am down but we are all in the same profession and spread out all over the country. I have also a good mum and uncle who I know only wants me to be happy but also have a tendency to give unsolicited advice so am wary of them too (asian lol).
I guess I am trying to use this time to figure myself out and actually...I am finding it all very overwhelming and a very lonely process. I have loads of options available to me right now. Do I go abroad (canada and australia look good)? Do I stay? Where do I go next (I have been given an opportunity to have a pick of residency anywhere)?

Maybe it's about getting comfortable with this feeling? I just don't know...

LifeRecovery

I still don't have any answers per se but I did have a therapy appointment about it on Friday and another one this week.

Some of this is deeper and older than I realized. I had good friends over on Saturday and I realized just how much I try to "drive" the conversation so all are being included, and feel okay.

I realized with one friendship I get into trouble because she and I are so different and I struggle because I sometimes need to describe more to her to help her understand, and I just find that exhausting.

I don't have good boundaries in many relationships, so I get caught out of balance. I struggle with this in other ways too, meaning I don't give myself any down time.

Food was hard for me this weekend (as it tends to be when I am stepping up and into something new).

Thanks for being part of my support.

FireSprite

Hi there! I have a couple of thoughts for you.

I think the way you traced it back to be rooted in Control is fascinating. This stuff really does present differently for all of us (even within the similarities) and this is EXACTLY why there is no one, single path to recovery.

Your shares made me think back over my relationship with loneliness because it has been a known struggle in my life over the last year or so. (more, probably) First, I maneuvered my way between isolation & solitude (I posted about that here before) & finally arrived at Want vs. Need. That’s what brought loneliness – being ready to spend time with like-minded folks vs. needing people to fill the gaps inside of me. I’m READY to share myself now that I have a much better sense of who I am & actually even like myself most of the time, lol. It's a wholly different feeling.

Now – finding such people – identifying with a tribe of sorts – has proven to be much, much harder than I would have expected. I find myself continually faced with having to choose between modifying boundaries or going it alone to avoid drama & energy-sucking vampires. I am often disappointed in others & am a bit amazed at how many people operate from such a different version of reality than I do now that I’m firmly planted in my recovery. But overall, I’d rather deal with loneliness than drama, hands down.

Like you said - Vulnerability is a huge factor in this – I recently talked to DD about this when she pondered why anyone ever bothers with intimate relationships. To her young mind at the time, she could better control friendships than romantic partners & have less at risk in terms of vulnerability. I pointed out that I see it differently – that there is NO relationship without risk/vulnerability. Your bestie has just as much potential to out your secrets & create trauma for you as a love interest. You build trust in relationships the same way – over time & in ways that matter to your ethics & morals & that’s what you use to “level up” no matter what the nature of the relationship, right? Just because your friend affects a different part of your heart than your Love doesn’t mean you are Invulnerable.

You know I’m not letting the word vulnerability be such a large part of this conversation without reminding you to go back through Brene’s work & see if anything resonates in a new way for you there, right? She’s the go-to for this topic, all around.

I think the only ways I have worked through this stuff is to 1 – remind myself of times when I’ve been fully out of control, anticipated the worst & was happily surprised instead. I regularly find that in hindsight those are PIVOTAL moments in my Life Story where my road led somewhere wonderful, I could have never predicted to be the “right thing” had I been given the opportunity to control it ahead of time. (Path to a new job, better school, meeting someone that made a big impact in my life kind of stuff.) That’s how baby steps work – I can’t see the end of the road, just the steps directly ahead of me. That’s all I can control, really. This also relates to building self-trust. Trusting in the process.

The 2nd thought is to examine those moments/relationships when you find yourself struggling with controlling everything – is it because these are relationships that are simply never going to line up with your whole life changes? Is what you are feeling actually pressure due to constantly having to remind them of your boundaries or having to modify & change to accommodate keeping them in your life? Not that being open to reasonable changes isn’t ok – so long as it’s not in ways that force us to betray ourselves somehow.

Do you feel like sharing more about how it showed up with emotional eating? (You know my history includes this same struggle so I can make some reasonable assumptions based on my life experience but if it's anything you want to discuss, I'm happy to read along.)

Thanks for a thought-provoking post, as always!

LifeRecovery

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and I expect there will be tears, snot and release of some of this old stuff. As a result I won't post a ton this morning.

I do want to comment though about food stuff. Many of you already know that my addiction of choice has been a tropical storm of an eating disorder and as I was healing from that I met, loved and married a problem drinker. My co-dependent behaviors and overall poor boundaries and lack of relationship with self contribute to my eating disorder and vice versa.

I have been working my eating disorder recovery for 20+ years and in the last 18-24 months I would say I am overall behavior free with food. I also have had a variety of activity compensations as part of my eating disorder and that has remained non-disordered behavior for many years. However typically when I am getting ready to move deeper into something, or I am struggling with feeling "off" but I am not yet sure what it is, food behaviors have a way of sneaking back in. I am grateful it is only food behaviors at this time.

I had friends over Saturday which I enjoyed, but had some triggers around this new learning. I donated blood on Saturday too, which leaves me extra hungry and is a set up. Finally my roommate was gone for the weekend and as a result it was a perfect storm for an increase in isolation and potential for engaging/binge behavior with food, and I did. It extended into yesterday. I have been able to have meals all the days. I have been able to not judge or beat up on myself about it.

I am grateful I have never been able to control food....because I wanted to so badly and food behavior being off is my directional beacon that something is out of balance in my life(now) and was the reason I got into the recovery in the first place.

I also want to comment that some of my confusion about loneliness is about finding my tribe right now as Firesprite so wonderfully commented on. I had not thought of framing it that way before and I will bring that to my therapist today.

Thanks to you all for letting my ruminations continue on here about this.

LifeRecovery

Dear All-

I know I keep circling back to this post that I made, but I keep settling into deeper and deeper learning, knowing being about this.

The current COVID situation has been relatively smooth for me in my current life situation, for which I am grateful. It has brought up this feeling of loneliness however (as I am sure it has done for many).

In the last few weeks I feel like I have finally let go of my relationship that got me to these boards. I was no longer holding onto the thought that we would get back together, that he would recover etc. The letting go was all about me. I really was still holding onto the fact that I was in a relationship with a person with life challenges. I really believed, not that it was my job for him to recover, but that it was my to show him that there was another way....to help him to want to get better, because it has been such a life blessing for me.

I have a bonus child in my life (currently 22). I did not birth him, but I am a parent to him in many ways. I am in a similar relationship pattern with him, that I was doing with my ex in terms of co-dependent behaviors. In the case of my bonus kid though I can give these lessons and hardship back to him. I can be sorry for them being hard....but know that I did not create them and that it was not my journey to learn his lessons. I can have emotions about his life....and know that I cannot fix it for him.

Because I was still struggling with finding the balance of doing vs being with my bonus kiddo I really thought I had not grown or developed any further than I was with my ex. Last week in therapy I discovered that I have.

I also in the last week read this quote that is screaming to me
"If I accept the fact that my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living" Eckhart Tolle

Duh I believed in my soul that my relationships were about helping other people overcome their life challenges and to be happy....and that this would make me happy. It was remnants of my good girl checklist.

Now when I consider that relationships are all about smoothing out my rough edges and helping me to grow, learn and develop into my best self....I seem to be more ready, able and wiling to get into them, friends, consider intimate relationships again etc. Now I think I understand that my relationship that got me here was for a course correction....not about me making him well and healthy, but a step to making me well and healthy, regardless of his choices.

I am more willing to feel all the feelings because they introduce me to myself. I am on a deeper level more responsible to my own feelings as a result and to the boundaries that keep me healthy and safe.

I am open to thoughts, comments and rambles. Thanks for letting me circle around this idea for months.....like my recovery keeps circling around.

dandylion

LR-----I am so pleased to see how far you have come. I will bet the children's milk money that someone who was in the caretaking role gave you the message that serving others was where your value lay---and not that you are worthy just because you exist. I'll bet they gave you that message before you were ten years old.

Am I warm? If I am---who were they?

LifeRecovery

Oh of course Dandylion!

I suspect my dad may have grown up in an alcoholic home, but I know my mom did (and I grew up with my mom's side of the family) She is one of nine kids. Her and her siblings do not drink / moderate their drinking but many married problem drinkers, and I have many extended family that struggle with addiction.

My childhood is not a tale of addiction, it is tale of COMPLETELY untreated co-dependency. They were excellent teachers, and I a stellar student.

I struggled with food from an early age as a coping mechanism (certainly by age 4-6) with a more traditional appearing eating disorder starting in my teen years. While I was getting help for that, it was not until 10+ years after that treatment started that I realized the historical legacy of untreated co-dependency that had played a role in my life. It is only now 20 years after I started this recovery journey that I can appreciate the true generational legacy we go on when we dare to recover. When we recover it is for us and those before us, and it only serves those that come after us.

What a relief to know that I am a complete human being, just by being. Though I am not usually afraid of responsibility, it is scary to step into being responsible for you, yourself and I, and that self-care is never selfish. It is scary to feel expansive and to want to take up space.

Though growth is painful it, what a gift. Thanks for the noticing!

dandylion

LR------thanks for a very illuminating response! I think you have a lot of grit and tenacity---and. those qualities will serve you and yours well, I think.