dearsobriety

least

Couples counseling might be a good idea. I can understand having resentment over his long work schedule and infrequent parenting. I'd be upset too if it were me.

Don't throw away your sobriety over this, as upsetting as it may be. If you get the urge to drink, come here first and talk about it. We'll try our best to talk you out of it.

I hope you can work out couples counseling.

ReadyAtLast

if I never had a problem with alcohol to begin with then this wouldn’t be happening ��

I'm sorry for what brings you here. Please please don't believe what you wrote above. Please don't think this is your fault or believe the last sentence you wrote. That's great for the AV to try and convince you to drink. Drinking won't solve anything but will make things ten times worse.

Many congratulations on your sober time - as you say, this is who you are. The sober you, the real you. A marriage drunk isn't the real you. I understand the dynamics as when I got sober i started to look at my marriage through different eyes. Things I'd previously ignored or drunk out were so prominent I had to deal with them.

I had 3.5 years sober then threw it all away and now only have a week. Believe me, it really is not worth throwing it all away for anything.

It seems there are many underlying issues and resentments but your getting sober is not to blame or the reason for any of them. And picking up again certainly won't solve anything.

I wish you well.

Dee74

I don't think couples therapy should be seen as some kind of punishment or weakness...sometimes couples - even those without any addition problems and especially those with blended families, run into situations like this.

As for fun - I have more fun now that I ever had drinking - its just that alcohol doesn't play a part in me having fun anymore.

For a partner that change can sometimes be a bit bewildering I think.

Maybe doing a few more fun things - either with or without the kids - that involves a little give and take on both sides couldn't hurt? Find common ground

The important thing is you stay sober - if it's a good marriage, and it sounds like it is even with the ups and downs, I really believe that things do work out so long as we leave our addiction in the past

D

kenton

Congratulations on your sober time! 569 days is fantastic.

I understand exactly how you're feeling. But the good news is.... You and your husband have already started talking about how you both feel. That's the key here. It's so important that you both communicate your feelings.

I know you say you are having difficulty identifying your feelings/emotions and I totally understand that. For various reasons I grew up feeling guilty or ashamed of having feelings .... any feelings. ..... And as a result I locked all feelings away. I think that's a big part of why I drank the way I did..... Drinking allowed me to access some feelings, for a little while anyway. A book I read that really helped me in learning to identify my feelings and communicate them to others, which I hope I'm not breaking any rules by recommending here is 'Nonviolent communication - a language of life' by Marshall B Rosenberg. The 'violent' part of the title can be misleading and doesn't just refer to physical violence, it refers to any communication or non-communication that results in harm or hurt. The book has been a real eye-opener for me ..... Made me realise that when I feel hurt, rather than immediately blaming the other person, the hurt is actually a trigger for me to explore what's really going on for me. This helps me identify my true feelings and once I understand my feelings, it's much easier to communicate them to others. If you're finding it difficult to identify your emotions, it will be doubly difficult for your husband to second guess and try to work out how you're feeling. What I've learnt is that when I communicate my feelings clearly and calmly, my loved ones often had no idea I felt that way and are grateful for the guidance. People that love us want us to be happy but they're not mind readers and it's down to us to identify how we feel and communicate that.

A lot of your problems may melt away once you communicate clearly and counselling will definitely help with that. As for not being fun, I was a total party animal when I drank and whilst I dance on less tables now, I still dance on tables when the occasion requires some dancing on tables! Liquid courage is part of the whole alcohol myth. Alcohol doesn't make us brave, we make us brave. If you're introverted and don't want to go out so much now, that's fine. But maybe you could arrange a date night with your husband every so often. There are a million things you could do that are fun and don't involve you drinking alcohol. My husband and I did a zombie run the other day! It was amazing. 2 hours of being chased by zombies. I know that won't be everyone's cup of tea but the point I'm trying to make is that fun can be found everywhere .... In the strangest places. Part of the fun is finding fun new things to do.

I'm so sorry you're feeling devastated but this devastation could be the springboard you need to launch yourself into a fantastic future. Good luck xx

CRRHCC

You sound like a good person, a very strong person, a caring person that is not good at communicating. My wife was not good at communicating. She would give me the silent treatment and I would go upstairs and get drunk.

You are very lucky that he is open to couples therapy. Go for it and be honest with your emotions. It's amazing what happens when good people communicate.

I've been married for 33 years now. Here is the secret in once sentence: "Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon. " Pastor Tim Keller

entropy1964

I think what you are going through is extremely common. My late hub and I were drinking buddies. And actually very close friends before we ever got involved romantically. But alcohol was part of our relationship. Like you I am introverted and used booze as a way to pull down my walls, make me less anxious, make 'comfortable'. I know he would have loved it if I could just 'control' my drinking, but he knew enough to know that was impossible. I mean, he was probably an alcoholic too. But not the kind of alcoholic I was.

Remove that lubricant, that 'thing' that was kind of central and defining of what we called 'fun' and yeah, that's a game changer.

I think it is great that the hubbie is open to counseling. I encourage you to run with that because that person can help you redefine the relationship. Help you communicate how you feel and what you need. In some ways you're getting to know yourself again, right? So imagine, that's got to be confusing for him too.

Don't sit in your head and worry. Find some help, there is no shame in that. And it can take a couple tries to find the right person, so don't give up.

dearsobriety

dearsobriety

dearsobriety

August252015

Dearsobriety - our friends gave you some great thoughts above and you are being so sincere and seeking that I'm proud of you. That's not easy for any of us.

I totally agree about counseling. My husband and are I both in recovery, and we did not know each other during our "drinking years" (we did date in high school then reconnected) however we do go to an awesome pastoral counselor to keep our communication and connection so close. I'm a step parent too - and tho my kids are older, it is difficult and a lot of work to figure out how to do the whole thing!!!

My first thought to your OP, tho, was as it always is when someone shares distress in sobriety: what are you doing for your recovery? I have to put AA program first and certainly thru my 2d year where you are, I needed its steps and program and support from others who get it. Al Anon sounds like it would be a very good thing for your husband.

I saw my parents struggle (to put it mildly, and certainly our whole family did) with my mom's raging alcoholism that was present about age 11 thru college (my brother is 3 yrs younger). Feeling like you are to blame, on top of going thru the also valid resentments or anger or fear or....that us alcoholics need to learn to handle - and move past- is pretty normal. Yet, I truly believe that alcoholics or not, one person is never to "blame" for relationship problems.

And I'm not sure if your husband would be willing to learn more about our disease and how both people need to process things and make changes for a post-drinking relationship to work (well, or at all). That would be a terrific thing to look into.

Glad you are here. I know those little ones are benefitting a whole lot from you being sober, even with other stuff happening.

dearsobriety

dearsobriety

dearsobriety

PhoenixJ

Lots of great support and info here. Seeking professional guidance is, I think, a good idea. Providing all involved are honest with themselves. Support to you and yours.

dearsobriety