The Victim Role
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
The Victim Role
Why is it that the alcoholic stays in a constant role of being the victim?
The "woe is me" kinda stuff that they always throw out. They have a hard time thinking of anyone else's problems and it's all about them.
I was a domestic violence victim for 8 years from my first marriage, age 16 through 24. I didn't drink before that, but I did when I FINALLY left him.
If there wasn't chaos in my life, I'd create it. I was used to it and that's all I knew. Thank God I finally had had enough of all that abuse, self-inflicted and all and gave up the drinking.
I now have a boyfriend that is trying to stop, but he takes slow steps to sobrierty (which is understandable. He didn't get to be an alcoholic over night......it'll won't take over night to quit, either). At first, I symphathized with him and thought I could rescue him....but we all know that we can't.
Now, when I get hurt because he blew me off one more time, I tell him that he hurt me. So, I've become more of a #2.
I think, in a way, he likes to be yelled at. He listens and takes it and accepts it without getting all defensive. Maybe it's because the focus is taken off of him and then put on me bc I'm angry and hurt. I don't understand so many things. It's hurtful.
The "woe is me" kinda stuff that they always throw out. They have a hard time thinking of anyone else's problems and it's all about them.
I was a domestic violence victim for 8 years from my first marriage, age 16 through 24. I didn't drink before that, but I did when I FINALLY left him.
If there wasn't chaos in my life, I'd create it. I was used to it and that's all I knew. Thank God I finally had had enough of all that abuse, self-inflicted and all and gave up the drinking.
I now have a boyfriend that is trying to stop, but he takes slow steps to sobrierty (which is understandable. He didn't get to be an alcoholic over night......it'll won't take over night to quit, either). At first, I symphathized with him and thought I could rescue him....but we all know that we can't.
Now, when I get hurt because he blew me off one more time, I tell him that he hurt me. So, I've become more of a #2.
I think, in a way, he likes to be yelled at. He listens and takes it and accepts it without getting all defensive. Maybe it's because the focus is taken off of him and then put on me bc I'm angry and hurt. I don't understand so many things. It's hurtful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You are EXACTLY right!!
"Poor, poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me ..."
"Well, I laid my head down on the tracks, waitng for the Number Three,
But that old train don't run by no more,
Poor, poor, pitiful me..." (Warren Zevon)
Hon, you've got it down PAT!!! I am married to the drama queen of the feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-such-a-victim-of-the-bitches-of-the-world drunk! I've never met anyone who has felt all the women of the world have dumped on him as much as my AH. True fact is, he's just a jerk who drinks to the point of being obnoxious and has little, if any, ability, to relate to another person on an intimate level - other than sexual. (You should get aload of his teenage porn site - he just LOVES those little teeny-boppers!)
It's narcissism. It's their fantasy world of how THEY want it to be. And when it ain't what they want it to be, fantasize it to be, or or control it to be, they have a tantrum, tear a massive drunk, or abuse the hell outta you. No matter. It's all about ME, ME, ME. They tend to idealize people, particularly love objects. You are a love object. He was infatuated with you. You could do no wrong. You were his princess. He woke up one day to find a real person with him. Now what? He's pissed. You're not his idealization. Go read up on narcissism. It seems that most A's are really into that mindset.
Don't waste your breath reasoning with the poor slob. You'll end up frustrated. I just sit back and do what the hell I want to do or blow my AH off now.
Will he get fully into recovery? It sounds like he's making an honest effort. Recovery is a difficult thing, but I give him credit for really trying. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to laugh at the insanity of it all. Go call a good friend. Vent here. Just know that the bottom line is, until he's 100 percent willing to go to any length to get into recovery, you'll still have to deal with the drama-queen pity-party "thing."
"Well, I laid my head down on the tracks, waitng for the Number Three,
But that old train don't run by no more,
Poor, poor, pitiful me..." (Warren Zevon)
Hon, you've got it down PAT!!! I am married to the drama queen of the feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-such-a-victim-of-the-bitches-of-the-world drunk! I've never met anyone who has felt all the women of the world have dumped on him as much as my AH. True fact is, he's just a jerk who drinks to the point of being obnoxious and has little, if any, ability, to relate to another person on an intimate level - other than sexual. (You should get aload of his teenage porn site - he just LOVES those little teeny-boppers!)
It's narcissism. It's their fantasy world of how THEY want it to be. And when it ain't what they want it to be, fantasize it to be, or or control it to be, they have a tantrum, tear a massive drunk, or abuse the hell outta you. No matter. It's all about ME, ME, ME. They tend to idealize people, particularly love objects. You are a love object. He was infatuated with you. You could do no wrong. You were his princess. He woke up one day to find a real person with him. Now what? He's pissed. You're not his idealization. Go read up on narcissism. It seems that most A's are really into that mindset.
Don't waste your breath reasoning with the poor slob. You'll end up frustrated. I just sit back and do what the hell I want to do or blow my AH off now.
Will he get fully into recovery? It sounds like he's making an honest effort. Recovery is a difficult thing, but I give him credit for really trying. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to laugh at the insanity of it all. Go call a good friend. Vent here. Just know that the bottom line is, until he's 100 percent willing to go to any length to get into recovery, you'll still have to deal with the drama-queen pity-party "thing."
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I spent so much time focussed on the alcoholic, the self pity, the lies, the failures, that I couldn't see myself. I had become bitter, jaded, controlling, fearful, angry, self righteous, and pretty crazy. How could I sit in judgement of someone else when my own life was such a mess?
I finally realized that I wasn't living my life. I was living his, and not doing a very good job of it either. Talk about being a victim. I felt all the pain in my life was his fault. When I started taking responsibility for my own life, decisions, and actions, I stopped being a victim. I stopped trying to figure him out. I started to find some serenity and healing.
Straightening out my own life, and learning to allow others to be responsible for themself has taken time, and work. Seeking support and guidance from Al-Anon, counselling, and SR were absolutely necessary for me to get better. Hugs, Magic
I finally realized that I wasn't living my life. I was living his, and not doing a very good job of it either. Talk about being a victim. I felt all the pain in my life was his fault. When I started taking responsibility for my own life, decisions, and actions, I stopped being a victim. I stopped trying to figure him out. I started to find some serenity and healing.
Straightening out my own life, and learning to allow others to be responsible for themself has taken time, and work. Seeking support and guidance from Al-Anon, counselling, and SR were absolutely necessary for me to get better. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I guess the victim role is easy for them to stay in because that way they don't have to take responsibility for ANYTHING because EVERYTHING is everybody else's fault. Then they find someone to take care of them and their messes so they can keep up the drinking.
When my husband first started AA a few months ago, I told him the story of a woman I knew in al-anon that would go out every night her husband drank and find which bar he was drinking in and literally drag him out of the bar (she was pretty big) and take him home. This woman did this for years until she entered al-anon. She then realized that his drinking wasn't her fault or problem. He had constantly blamed her for his drinking AND his behavior and, like every co-dependent on the planet, she felt guilty and responsible for HIS problem and so he would NEVER have to take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING while she was around. Why not, he was the victim as he saw it, so he felt entitled to being taken care of by SOMEONE. That is part of the sickness. She nearly drove herself crazy taking care of him.
My husband said, "So? Maybe he wanted her to do that to prove she loved him." I had never thought about it that way because to me, it's not logical, and it's sickness between two people, not love, and that was an insight to me about how my husband thinks.
When my husband first started AA a few months ago, I told him the story of a woman I knew in al-anon that would go out every night her husband drank and find which bar he was drinking in and literally drag him out of the bar (she was pretty big) and take him home. This woman did this for years until she entered al-anon. She then realized that his drinking wasn't her fault or problem. He had constantly blamed her for his drinking AND his behavior and, like every co-dependent on the planet, she felt guilty and responsible for HIS problem and so he would NEVER have to take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING while she was around. Why not, he was the victim as he saw it, so he felt entitled to being taken care of by SOMEONE. That is part of the sickness. She nearly drove herself crazy taking care of him.
My husband said, "So? Maybe he wanted her to do that to prove she loved him." I had never thought about it that way because to me, it's not logical, and it's sickness between two people, not love, and that was an insight to me about how my husband thinks.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
My husband said, "So? Maybe he wanted her to do that to prove she loved him." I had never thought about it that way because to me, it's not logical, and it's sickness between two people, not love, and that was an insight to me about how my husband thinks.[/QUOTE]
I would do stuff almost like drag him out of a bar and then the next day he would say, I know you worry about me and are only trying to help me. I know you are only saying all this because you want me to stop drinking and are trying to help me. I could be as mad as heck and he just sits there and takes it. What really got him was when he went to the bar and me and the kids headed for Walmart with the money and then out to eat. We went get home later than him. Another think he hated was to come home and we had already ate and had our pjs on and me talking and laughing on the phone to a friend.
Oh he would be mad. LOL I guess we should all be huddled in the corner crying and having a miserable day.
I would do stuff almost like drag him out of a bar and then the next day he would say, I know you worry about me and are only trying to help me. I know you are only saying all this because you want me to stop drinking and are trying to help me. I could be as mad as heck and he just sits there and takes it. What really got him was when he went to the bar and me and the kids headed for Walmart with the money and then out to eat. We went get home later than him. Another think he hated was to come home and we had already ate and had our pjs on and me talking and laughing on the phone to a friend.
Oh he would be mad. LOL I guess we should all be huddled in the corner crying and having a miserable day.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Great post...
Isn't it amazing that they can whine, moan, groan and whimper for whatever reason and it's a matter of life and death.
But if we dare complain, we're bitches, complainers and just looking for attention.
It's a no win situation at this point. Look for meetings in your area. You'll find a lot of support there and will learn the ins and outs of the disease.
Blessings, Kathy
Isn't it amazing that they can whine, moan, groan and whimper for whatever reason and it's a matter of life and death.
But if we dare complain, we're bitches, complainers and just looking for attention.
It's a no win situation at this point. Look for meetings in your area. You'll find a lot of support there and will learn the ins and outs of the disease.
Blessings, Kathy
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