Detaching with love

Old 11-02-2019, 11:49 PM
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Detaching with love

I'm sure there are people among us who have their own ways they detached...with love. How did you do that? What does that mean to you?
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Old 11-03-2019, 12:38 AM
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Hi Wombaticus,

Great question. I really relate to the following.

Mango


Before Al‑Anon, we kept ourselves busy seeking solutions for the alcoholic. When what we were trying to accomplish wasn’t succeeding, we told ourselves to work harder or to try something else. We may even have told ourselves it was our fault if we couldn’t convince the alcoholic to get sober. If we could only find the right words at the right time, relayed in just the right tone of voice, then maybe we could get the alcoholic to see things our way. Desperate to fulfill our dreams for a happy family life, we thought that devoting all our energy to the problem was the answer. Little did we know we were actually contributing to the problem by trying to force solutions.

In Al‑Anon we learn that we didn’t cause the alcoholism in our lives, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. If we’re trying to force solutions, we can remember “Easy Does It.” Though we can’t expect our lives to always be easy, this slogan suggests that every‑ thing doesn’t have to be so hard all the time either. “Easy Does It” reminds us to be gentle with ourselves. We don’t have to try harder or do better. We have tried long and hard enough. Though we may not be able to change the alcoholic, we discover there is one person we can change—ourselves.
The gift of detachment

In Al‑Anon, we hear a lot about detaching with love. Nevertheless, we may find this particularly difficult to do while we are suffering a sense of loss. We may have been so accustomed to exerting our will and energy trying to make things better, it may now seem like we’re being asked to do nothing or to stop caring. It can help to remember that when we detach, we are putting in our Higher Power’s care that person, place, or thing we cannot control and never had control of in the first place.

Detaching may simply mean taking a moment to decide how we want to respond, rather than immediately reacting. It may mean not taking everything the alcoholic says or does personally. Detaching with love means that we can hate the disease of alcoholism, yet still feel compassion for the alcoholic. We can let them know we love them, even though we don’t love the actions they are taking.


Question to consider: What are my needs?
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Old 11-03-2019, 04:28 AM
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When I first started taking the steps to regain some of my lost sanity, boundaries and detachment were kind of a combined lesson for me. The stronger my boundaries got the easier it was to detach from his chaos. The more I was free from his ridiculousness the more of that calmness I sought. It just kind of snowballed for me until I knew living with active addiction in my life wasn't something I was going to do for another 40 or 50 years.

My first real boundary with my AXH was, " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"... that alone right there WAS detachment... and boy oh boy did it make my life less stressful. It did NOT fix our marital issues but it sure unburdened me. What a relief it was not to have to argue, cry, bargain, play nice, fake it, pretend etc anymore. The calmness that boundary brought into the $hitstorm that my life and marriage had become was like a little mini miracle.

I wasn't able to make detachment work for me as a full time solution. For me it was more like a bandaid used to hold things together while I gained the strength I needed to make wiser choices for myself. Some people are able to adjust their lives through detachment and stay married, but for me personally, that wasn't the type of marriage I wanted to have.

Interesting topic, I look forward to hearing what others have to say.
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Old 11-03-2019, 04:54 AM
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Wombaticus…..for me, it was somewhat like what smallbutmighty reports.
My alcoholic was not a partner...but, a close family member.
The detachment was really about boundaries to protect myself.....
to my way of thinking.. detachment is just ONE tool. A tool of help gain some space for the non-alcoholic person...some space to be able to think and function ...and to get a bit of relief, without the foot of alcoholism on one's throat, every single minute.
One doesn't build a whole house with just one tool....While a hammer is a wonderful, essential tool....it takes many kinds of tools to build a whole house....
Like smallbutmighty said....detachment, alone may not get the alcoholic to stop drinking.....nor will it fix a marriage...….
Detachment is for US, first.....not for the alcoholic.....

for me....I wouldn't worry about the "love" part, at the beginning....gosh---it is hard enough to just detach, in itself, at the beginning!! How the "love" part fits in, will become more clear, down the road....often, way further, down the road...…
It is hard to feel the "love" when one's life is being ravaged by the alcoholism.....
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Old 11-03-2019, 06:31 AM
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Agree with Dandy. The love aspect is further down the road, if ever (in my opinion). Perhaps it’s having more love for yourself, regardless about how you truly feel about the alcoholic you’re trying to detach from. Detachment is for/about you... for your healing. It’s so easy to over analyze everything... if it will help him/her, etc. I’m not such a fan of the phrase... but I understand it.
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Old 11-03-2019, 09:43 AM
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Agreed, the love aspect can be further down the road. Kind of like forgiveness for something might be further along the road (or not). The "with love" part sounds rather virtuous - I guess it is, but absolutely not required.

I've detached in a few instances, for me it's kind of a process I think. A person should not (in my opinion) let someone else trample on their boundaries or their feelings - period (I have let both happen).

The only way to stop that is to detach, in all that means. I see it as a withdrawing of being in a "unit". You cannot be in a unit with someone you cannot trust (by and large) with your feelings. Well you can and it will make you miserable and perhaps a bit crazy.

Allowing someone to abuse your trust, emotions, boundaries etc is much more insidious, I think, than people give it credit for. It does real damage to the psyche over time. I think detaching is the beginning of the healing process.

As dandylion mentioned, it is just one tool of many that a person needs to protect themselves from harm.

Because that is what that's about, protecting yourself from harm.
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Old 11-03-2019, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus View Post
I'm sure there are people among us who have their own ways they detached...with love. How did you do that? What does that mean to you?
Hi Wombaticus -

I wrote a whole paragraph about how I successfully detached when I realized I haven't detached at all.

I think I manage to let go of the idea of him or us as a couple for about a day at a time. Then I start feeling miserable, and the cycle starts again.

I might have to start a thread about who among us has not successfully detached, and why.

My best to you,

E

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Old 11-04-2019, 07:19 AM
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I am working on detaching by not offering help right now. My Ax2B moved out a couple of months ago. Within 2 weeks he walked off a 12-foot-retaining wall while he was drunk and has been unable to work since and is unsure when he will be released to work again (cracked vertebrae, broken ribs). He's getting some money but not a lot and it barely covers rent from what I understand. He's seeing our son on weekends and I know DS eats when he's there but I also know that his resources are very stretched. I am having strong urges to offer him food to take home when he picks DS up for visits. My resources are somewhat stretched since he left but more like I have to plan what I do and can't impulsively go to restaurants. Our basics are well covered. I feel sad for not offering him meals or groceries but I also know that he did this to himself and it's not my job to pick up after him any more. I also am relatively positive that his drinking and pot smoking is still well-protected from his poor financial situation.
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Old 11-04-2019, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Emmalyn View Post
I might have to start a thread about who among us has not successfully detached, and why.
Why do you think that is Emmalyn? What do you struggle with when you think about detaching from him about not being a couple?
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Old 11-04-2019, 10:57 AM
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This! Very well said,same for me as well!

Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
When I first started taking the steps to regain some of my lost sanity, boundaries and detachment were kind of a combined lesson for me. The stronger my boundaries got the easier it was to detach from his chaos. The more I was free from his ridiculousness the more of that calmness I sought. It just kind of snowballed for me until I knew living with active addiction in my life wasn't something I was going to do for another 40 or 50 years.

My first real boundary with my AXH was, " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"... that alone right there WAS detachment... and boy oh boy did it make my life less stressful. It did NOT fix our marital issues but it sure unburdened me. What a relief it was not to have to argue, cry, bargain, play nice, fake it, pretend etc anymore. The calmness that boundary brought into the $hitstorm that my life and marriage had become was like a little mini miracle.

I wasn't able to make detachment work for me as a full time solution. For me it was more like a bandaid used to hold things together while I gained the strength I needed to make wiser choices for myself. Some people are able to adjust their lives through detachment and stay married, but for me personally, that wasn't the type of marriage I wanted to have.

Interesting topic, I look forward to hearing what others have to say.
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Old 11-04-2019, 11:56 AM
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Interesting thread and one that is staring me in the face.
My inability to detach...somewhere in the realm of intense fear I would say. Fear to lose this person, fear that if I stop trying with all my might that she will find someone healthier. I know....fully co-dependant. I helped check her in to detox one week ago after she almost fell through a 2 storey window. She just got released today and is going to be in an inpatient program inside of this month and has a few more key supports going for her this time as opposed to last August.

I am happy for her and sad at the same time. I miss this person and feel such a loss. She and I have talked and she is not ready to look anywhere past the present moment and while I get this intellectually, my heart is broken too. Why did it have to get to this stage and so on and so forth. I know...be happy for her, give her space and all that stuff. I wish I knew what I wanted. Sometimes I want to detach and put up walls all around me and go on with my life. Maybe I won't be a text book live in the moment, non-controlling person...maybe I will grow. This person who I saw today and she looked clear eyed was my wife...we are strangers now and I am hanging on tight to her.

So in terms of detachment proficiency I am so not meeting the mark. I can't find the strength in me to let go if this and let her do her thing and more key for me to deal with myself. I was so used to this person being my support. This hurts so much.
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Old 11-04-2019, 12:18 PM
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woodlandlost…..Now would be the time to work on yourself and your own program, with intensity.....and, to develop more social supports for yourself...
hand in hand with your own counselor/therapist....
****I really, really hope that you will not sabotage her going into the impatient program!

The best way to lose her, for good, is to try to hang on too tightly...…
In a healthy relationship, both people need to be there because they want to be ther...VOLUNTARILY.....love does not require a strangle hold....in fact, it will flee from that....
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Old 11-04-2019, 12:53 PM
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It sounds like you are attached to something that doesn't exist. She is not who she was, even if that's simply because she stopped drinking, if that was the only factor, that's a huge change.

Let's say her mental illness was depression, that you always knew her as depressed at different levels. Something snapped for some reason and she started to seek help and come out of that depression and wanted to start rebuilding her life.

The person who was depressed for 10 years is not necessarily the same person with the same outlook when the depression is treated or lessened or relieved.

That's kind of how mental illness works. If you are involved with someone who is mentally ill / has a mental chemical imbalance - which I include alcoholism to be, it's kind of a crap shoot. Is that fair, well perhaps not really, but it is a fact.

Originally Posted by woodlandlost View Post
I know...be happy for her, give her space and all that stuff.
You don't have to "be" anything. You don't have to be happy for her or anyone else. You don't have to be kind or supportive or anything. If you want to be those things, well that's fine too.

The only thing that you must insist from yourself is that you must not hinder her progress in any way, that's it. The rest is up to you.

You think you are holding on to her tight but that's just in your thoughts you know, you can't hold anyone.

So now back to you. How do you free yourself? First of all, is the way you are approaching this making you at all happy? peaceful? content? Is it adding anything in any good way to your life? Doesn't seem to be, so why are you punishing yourself and you talk about fear, fear of what, that you might have some fun??

I'm not saying you need to rush out and get in to another relationship, but your main focus right now should be you and what you can do to add to your life and your social life and your happiness.

Can you do that?
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:28 PM
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Thanks. I know I am reacting out of fear. I am keeping it contained inside of me and in no way am hindering her ability to attend in-patient services. For sure my fear and sadness come out. And yes, I understand that is not helpful either. I do appreciate the reminder.
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:48 PM
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The "with love" part... for whom?

When I was with my XAH and beginning to realize this problem really, really was bigger than me, I gave myself permission to do nothing about his addiction, to observe, to sit on my hands and not try to force solutions or resolutions. I watched what he did when I did nothing. I began to really internalize what it meant to "give him the dignity of his decisions and consequences" without trying to sway him either way. I began to look out for myself and my kids without concern as to whether it would **** XAH off or whatever. If he picked a fight with me, I began saying thinks like "mmmm" or "oh?" instead of getting into rounds with him.

I began to realize not only that the problem was bigger than me. I realized that it didn't matter if I was around or not, this is what he was going to be doing. That is wasn't about me at all. And then I began to realize I didn't want to live like this even though I loved him and was worried for him - still do love him and still worry about him, btw.

After about a year or me learning how to detach, he "relapsed" for my final time - meaning he'd been drinking all along but let the facade slip enough for me to figure it out again - and I changed the locks on the door. We divorced, and after a years-long holding period where it looked like he might be putting some of the pieces together, he's homeless and MIA today. Addiction sucks and I'm sad for him, especially sad for my daughter and her confusion about where he is and what he's doing. I'm living my life, figuring out self-care, still learning and executing boundaries in my life that have little to do with addiction, but that have everything to do with being in years of codependent relationships (from my FOO onward) and all the emotional baggage that goes with it. After we split, I also gave myself an arbitrary but totally useful one year to be single before I even thought about dating again. At which point I met a really nice man who I live with today.

So "with love," eh? I think the secret to the "with love" part is that you recognize that you are separate from the addict and their myriad problems that go hand in hand with addiction, and that you can give yourself enough emotional distance to observe them and recognize and maybe someday empathize with their disease without getting mired in it, but also learn that you, your dreams, your goals, your internal light, are at risk of being snuffed out by the chaos of addiction. I think one of the greater loving aphorisms that we talk about here is "let go or be dragged," a recognition of the futility of arguing and bargaining with the disease, but also a recognition of our own value and vulnerability.
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:55 PM
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And yo, I highly recommend taking a deep dive into a new hobby that you can get really passionate about, something that you can think about and look forward to that isn't looking at a screen, and something that will take your whole fool mind off of these circumstances and give you some relief. Even better if it gets you meeting some people outside of your current circle. You have to fill your cup a little and regain your quality of life.

When I was going through the thickest of all this, I took up biking. It totally changed my life for the better. I have also recently gone DEEP into knitting and other fiber arts. It satisfies my need for creativity and doesn't involve crushing any candy or mindlessly scrolling through social media watching other people live their lives while I languish on the sofa avoiding my menial chores.
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Old 11-04-2019, 02:31 PM
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Florence,

I have read some of your threads now and there is a lot of learning to extract...
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Old 11-04-2019, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost View Post
Thanks. I know I am reacting out of fear. I am keeping it contained inside of me and in no way am hindering her ability to attend in-patient services. For sure my fear and sadness come out. And yes, I understand that is not helpful either. I do appreciate the reminder.
If you mean you show that to her, then yes, that's not helpful and it is a hindrance to her and to you actually.

When you show that to her, when she is so vulnerable, you are requesting that she respond really, to make you feel better. Much better to not expect anything from her right now.

For you, being fearful, holding that in, it also stops you from moving forward and to some degree acknowledging what you need to do and from hearing others.

I'll give you an example, in a nutshell. I know someone who got divorced, we will call her A. B did not want the divorce but went along with it all kind of. There was a child involved. B decided it was a good idea to discuss all of their feelings about the divorce and relationship with the teenager. He could not stop himself, despite being asked by A, repeatedly. She could see the damage it was doing (and it did and remains to this day).

So you see, it is incredibly important that you don't dump your feelings on her right now, it's not fair to her. While it may seem like you can't help it, you can, but you are going to need help. Post here, get a therapist, join a divorce support group, go to Al-Anon. Those are all safe places to vent and discuss your feelings. She is in no shape to be there for you or to support you and you can't expect it.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be but I also know your intent is to not do damage.
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Old 11-04-2019, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I have also recently gone DEEP into knitting and other fiber arts. It satisfies my need for creativity and doesn't involve crushing any candy or mindlessly scrolling through social media watching other people live their lives while I languish on the sofa avoiding my menial chores.
I too vote for knitting, even as I am totally stressing out about getting gifts completed for the holidays. It's my penance for going to Rhinebeck and letting my yarn budget run amok.

In regards to actual detaching, I find it so difficult to detach with "love". It's easier if I detach myself from expectations that my sister will be functional. I don't have to depend on her on any way shape or fashion and that has made our relationship a thousand times better ever since our parents got sick. There's no more disappointment because I no longer her expect her to help. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but just realizing that she's doing the best she can, given the circumstances, allows me to acknowledge that things are NOT A-OK through a more compassionate lens.

I've also tried to let go of the expectation for myself that I will no longer be angry about this. I _am_ angry about this, but realizing that I am going to be angry about this for a very long time makes it easier to live with because I don't HAVE to get rid of the anger. Trying to get rid of it just adds another task to my already very long task list. It is there. I am here. So be it.
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Old 11-04-2019, 11:28 PM
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Detachment for me meant
1. Stop monitoring the amounts he was drinking
2. Stop questioning why he was drinking
3. Stop feeling that l had to put this right
4. Stop over thinking about it.
5. Start thinking about my own health
6. Start making plans to enjoy my life
7. Pull myself up if l was tempted to discuss it
8. Be so busy with my own life that l dont fret about his.
And finally, remind myself constantly that the only person l can influence/control/change is ME.
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