The lying!!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
The lying!!
My recovering AH husband continues to lie. More
like concealing. Of course he lied every time he spoke to me while in the throws of it for years. But he is sober and we were getting along very well. He was supposed to be at a meeting for work on monday and i know he didn’t go. But answered questions about the meeting. I can’t understand it. His ex wife has been emailing him and bothering him. He told me he hadn’t heard from her. Then he went out for lunch with his daughter and didn’t mention. I don’t understand. And it made me crazy that he is lying to me. And when i asked him about it this morning he was just like I don’t know you’re crazy and leave me alone. Which made me hysterical. Im sure i am just triggered because he has been doing great and our marriage was getting better, and it brings me back to a place of complete distrust. But I don’t think it too much to ask to have a spouse who is honest with you. Thanks for letting me vent.
like concealing. Of course he lied every time he spoke to me while in the throws of it for years. But he is sober and we were getting along very well. He was supposed to be at a meeting for work on monday and i know he didn’t go. But answered questions about the meeting. I can’t understand it. His ex wife has been emailing him and bothering him. He told me he hadn’t heard from her. Then he went out for lunch with his daughter and didn’t mention. I don’t understand. And it made me crazy that he is lying to me. And when i asked him about it this morning he was just like I don’t know you’re crazy and leave me alone. Which made me hysterical. Im sure i am just triggered because he has been doing great and our marriage was getting better, and it brings me back to a place of complete distrust. But I don’t think it too much to ask to have a spouse who is honest with you. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It is absolutely not too much to ask for a partner who is honest with you.
It does, however, sound like that is too much to ask of this particular partner right now.
It does, however, sound like that is too much to ask of this particular partner right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Well, that really is an effort in frustration when you are anticipating putting this relationship back together.
That's obviously not on the table right now though. I'm going to guess he is carrying around some kind of resentment toward you, otherwise why would he be lying about everything?
I know he has been going to meetings etc, have you been able to get to Al-Anon? We are here from you and I don't know what your face to face support looks like but you do need as much support as possible.
You've said a few times that you know what's going on here and that you need support not advice and I totally get that. The question is, what are you doing/going to do for yourself.
The reason I ask that is that you can't change or control him (I know you know that) so to save YOUR sanity, time to step away, at least emotionally. Detach from it. He obviously doesn't even want to talk about it.
As for the resentment, it's possible and I'm just throwing this out there, that he is blaming you for having to stop drinking. Not a sign of recovery at all but entirely possible here.
That's obviously not on the table right now though. I'm going to guess he is carrying around some kind of resentment toward you, otherwise why would he be lying about everything?
I know he has been going to meetings etc, have you been able to get to Al-Anon? We are here from you and I don't know what your face to face support looks like but you do need as much support as possible.
You've said a few times that you know what's going on here and that you need support not advice and I totally get that. The question is, what are you doing/going to do for yourself.
The reason I ask that is that you can't change or control him (I know you know that) so to save YOUR sanity, time to step away, at least emotionally. Detach from it. He obviously doesn't even want to talk about it.
As for the resentment, it's possible and I'm just throwing this out there, that he is blaming you for having to stop drinking. Not a sign of recovery at all but entirely possible here.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm sorry Laur, I completely understand how each lie feels like a stab in the heart. Been there more times than I could count with my alcoholic ex. Drunk or sober, he lied, he lied about everything.. important things and sometimes about things so inconsequential it was baffling that he'd lie about something so insignificant. It drove me insane. It got so that I couldn't trust a word out of his mouth and then he turned it around on me and was angry that I didn't trust him. (What???) This from the guy he would blow his stack if any one ever lied to him. That pickled brain of his just couldn't grasp the contradiction.
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Laur…...I can imagine how tired you are getting of us reminding you of how early in sobriety your husband is. It must sound like a broken record, to you, by now.
And, I hate to add to the chorus, on that....BUT, I will have to.....because it is sooo early, for anyone who has put down the bottle...and, especially for Him...given his long history of drinking and particular family background with alcoholism.
I can add a discussion of a few of the factors that may lead to lying in the alcoholic. Chronic alcoholics do lie and it doesn't always stop, just because they have put down the bottle...(just 6 wks. ago)…..
I don't think there is ONE reason that they lie...but, a combination of several factors.....combined, together....
One factor that is rarely mentioned, here, is about "confabulation". Confabulation is common toddlers and young children....as well as adults who have had certain kinds of brain damage...Like after a stroke which has left them with some "holes" in their memory.
Confabulation is ?making up" facts to filling in the "missing spaces" in their memory about something.....They will make up their own facts to make a logical story to others, when asked about a particular event.
Tis could look like a "lie" to someone else....
People will also lie, at any age to keep from getting in trouble---to protect themselves from another's disapproval or anger, etc.
A history of lying, for many years, as a coping mechanism, may be, to a certain extent, a "Habit" which is hard to break....it is hard to give up old habits that have become ingrained.....
Lol...if he grew up in a family of alcoholics...he may have been around more liars than truth tellers.....
****At 6 wks....it might be POSSIBLE that he is tapering off in working his recovery program....(maybe he is skipping meetings, etc)…..this often happens, after the alcoholic starts to feel "better", so they think they no longer need their program.....
You just need to be aware of this. Honeypig (a long time member, here0....has spoken of her husband lying about going to AA meetings, for years!
While the lying can be, partly, from psychological reasons, and partly from organic---actual, physical damage to the brain---make no mistake...long term, heavy drinking does do physical damage....the early recovering alcoholic has a certain degree of "brain damage'....
I am going to give you a link to a brain scan that shows this kind of physical brain damage---changes in the brain....
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...vt=0&eim=1,2,6
And, I hate to add to the chorus, on that....BUT, I will have to.....because it is sooo early, for anyone who has put down the bottle...and, especially for Him...given his long history of drinking and particular family background with alcoholism.
I can add a discussion of a few of the factors that may lead to lying in the alcoholic. Chronic alcoholics do lie and it doesn't always stop, just because they have put down the bottle...(just 6 wks. ago)…..
I don't think there is ONE reason that they lie...but, a combination of several factors.....combined, together....
One factor that is rarely mentioned, here, is about "confabulation". Confabulation is common toddlers and young children....as well as adults who have had certain kinds of brain damage...Like after a stroke which has left them with some "holes" in their memory.
Confabulation is ?making up" facts to filling in the "missing spaces" in their memory about something.....They will make up their own facts to make a logical story to others, when asked about a particular event.
Tis could look like a "lie" to someone else....
People will also lie, at any age to keep from getting in trouble---to protect themselves from another's disapproval or anger, etc.
A history of lying, for many years, as a coping mechanism, may be, to a certain extent, a "Habit" which is hard to break....it is hard to give up old habits that have become ingrained.....
Lol...if he grew up in a family of alcoholics...he may have been around more liars than truth tellers.....
****At 6 wks....it might be POSSIBLE that he is tapering off in working his recovery program....(maybe he is skipping meetings, etc)…..this often happens, after the alcoholic starts to feel "better", so they think they no longer need their program.....
You just need to be aware of this. Honeypig (a long time member, here0....has spoken of her husband lying about going to AA meetings, for years!
While the lying can be, partly, from psychological reasons, and partly from organic---actual, physical damage to the brain---make no mistake...long term, heavy drinking does do physical damage....the early recovering alcoholic has a certain degree of "brain damage'....
I am going to give you a link to a brain scan that shows this kind of physical brain damage---changes in the brain....
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...vt=0&eim=1,2,6
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello,
Being an alcoholic you live one big lie! Whats on the inside does not match the outside you try in vain to portray to the world while in active addiction.I am an alcoholic and getting sober for the umpteenth time. I have this switch in my soul to do the work and get better. It is an insidious/cunning and baffling. It is very very hard for someone not afflicted to comprehend. Active alcoholism is pure torture.
That being said. I do not mean to intrude I just wanted to tell you my experience.
People have made a few great points. Emotional growth is stunted from years of numbing my emotions. I will continue to grow. Lying of inconsequential situations. I find myself doing this and not even realize it. Years and years of lying/protecting my drinking and alcoholic decisions I made does not come undone automatically. I am so condition to lie to protect myself its almost natural to me. Over really trivial things. Example "yes I called the DR they said they would call me right back." "When all I had to say is "No not yet but I plan on calling within the hour" "No I did not take the dog to the dog park. I kept her on her leash and walked her around the block" huh?? Why lie about that? I am hyper aware people do not trust me. Lying to protect whatever I am doing since I was always doing the wrong thing while drinking now that I am doing the *right* thing I am still conditioned to lie. I know with more recovery and guidance I will grow and unlearn these behaviors. AA and recovery is teaching me to become really honest with myself and people I love regardless of the situation. It takes time and it is unfair to the people I love. The more I get called on it the more I am aware of the behavior. I apologize again for intruding just a little insight from the other side. A day at a time things will get better . I have seen people have a total psychic change/transformation in recovery. Your husband is so blessed to have your support and love. I wish you the best
Being an alcoholic you live one big lie! Whats on the inside does not match the outside you try in vain to portray to the world while in active addiction.I am an alcoholic and getting sober for the umpteenth time. I have this switch in my soul to do the work and get better. It is an insidious/cunning and baffling. It is very very hard for someone not afflicted to comprehend. Active alcoholism is pure torture.
That being said. I do not mean to intrude I just wanted to tell you my experience.
People have made a few great points. Emotional growth is stunted from years of numbing my emotions. I will continue to grow. Lying of inconsequential situations. I find myself doing this and not even realize it. Years and years of lying/protecting my drinking and alcoholic decisions I made does not come undone automatically. I am so condition to lie to protect myself its almost natural to me. Over really trivial things. Example "yes I called the DR they said they would call me right back." "When all I had to say is "No not yet but I plan on calling within the hour" "No I did not take the dog to the dog park. I kept her on her leash and walked her around the block" huh?? Why lie about that? I am hyper aware people do not trust me. Lying to protect whatever I am doing since I was always doing the wrong thing while drinking now that I am doing the *right* thing I am still conditioned to lie. I know with more recovery and guidance I will grow and unlearn these behaviors. AA and recovery is teaching me to become really honest with myself and people I love regardless of the situation. It takes time and it is unfair to the people I love. The more I get called on it the more I am aware of the behavior. I apologize again for intruding just a little insight from the other side. A day at a time things will get better . I have seen people have a total psychic change/transformation in recovery. Your husband is so blessed to have your support and love. I wish you the best
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I can sooo agree with what faith823 has just said.
I especially agree that the alcoholic in early recovery can be hyper aware of how others do not trust them....and feel very bad about it. sometimes, quite insulted about it.
I think that it is helpful if both the alcoholic and the loved one realize how important time...time...time, is.....
I especially agree that the alcoholic in early recovery can be hyper aware of how others do not trust them....and feel very bad about it. sometimes, quite insulted about it.
I think that it is helpful if both the alcoholic and the loved one realize how important time...time...time, is.....
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by faith823
Hello,
Being an alcoholic you live one big lie! Whats on the inside does not match the outside you try in vain to portray to the world while in active addiction.I am an alcoholic and getting sober for the umpteenth time. I have this switch in my soul to do the work and get better. It is an insidious/cunning and baffling. It is very very hard for someone not afflicted to comprehend. Active alcoholism is pure torture.
That being said. I do not mean to intrude I just wanted to tell you my experience.
People have made a few great points. Emotional growth is stunted from years of numbing my emotions. I will continue to grow. Lying of inconsequential situations. I find myself doing this and not even realize it. Years and years of lying/protecting my drinking and alcoholic decisions I made does not come undone automatically. I am so condition to lie to protect myself its almost natural to me. Over really trivial things. Example "yes I called the DR they said they would call me right back." "When all I had to say is "No not yet but I plan on calling within the hour" "No I did not take the dog to the dog park. I kept her on her leash and walked her around the block" huh?? Why lie about that? I am hyper aware people do not trust me. Lying to protect whatever I am doing since I was always doing the wrong thing while drinking now that I am doing the *right* thing I am still conditioned to lie. I know with more recovery and guidance I will grow and unlearn these behaviors. AA and recovery is teaching me to become really honest with myself and people I love regardless of the situation. It takes time and it is unfair to the people I love. The more I get called on it the more I am aware of the behavior. I apologize again for intruding just a little insight from the other side. A day at a time things will get better . I have seen people have a total psychic change/transformation in recovery. Your husband is so blessed to have your support and love. I wish you the best
Being an alcoholic you live one big lie! Whats on the inside does not match the outside you try in vain to portray to the world while in active addiction.I am an alcoholic and getting sober for the umpteenth time. I have this switch in my soul to do the work and get better. It is an insidious/cunning and baffling. It is very very hard for someone not afflicted to comprehend. Active alcoholism is pure torture.
That being said. I do not mean to intrude I just wanted to tell you my experience.
People have made a few great points. Emotional growth is stunted from years of numbing my emotions. I will continue to grow. Lying of inconsequential situations. I find myself doing this and not even realize it. Years and years of lying/protecting my drinking and alcoholic decisions I made does not come undone automatically. I am so condition to lie to protect myself its almost natural to me. Over really trivial things. Example "yes I called the DR they said they would call me right back." "When all I had to say is "No not yet but I plan on calling within the hour" "No I did not take the dog to the dog park. I kept her on her leash and walked her around the block" huh?? Why lie about that? I am hyper aware people do not trust me. Lying to protect whatever I am doing since I was always doing the wrong thing while drinking now that I am doing the *right* thing I am still conditioned to lie. I know with more recovery and guidance I will grow and unlearn these behaviors. AA and recovery is teaching me to become really honest with myself and people I love regardless of the situation. It takes time and it is unfair to the people I love. The more I get called on it the more I am aware of the behavior. I apologize again for intruding just a little insight from the other side. A day at a time things will get better . I have seen people have a total psychic change/transformation in recovery. Your husband is so blessed to have your support and love. I wish you the best
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I can sooo agree with what faith823 has just said.
I especially agree that the alcoholic in early recovery can be hyper aware of how others do not trust them....and feel very bad about it. sometimes, quite insulted about it.
I think that it is helpful if both the alcoholic and the loved one realize how important time...time...time, is.....
I especially agree that the alcoholic in early recovery can be hyper aware of how others do not trust them....and feel very bad about it. sometimes, quite insulted about it.
I think that it is helpful if both the alcoholic and the loved one realize how important time...time...time, is.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Laur…...I actually wrote a Lot more, in my post...but, the forum ATE the whole last part!!! and, my fingers are too numb to type it all out, right now...…!
However, if you have an interest, I can write more, later...…..?
However, if you have an interest, I can write more, later...…..?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, that really is an effort in frustration when you are anticipating putting this relationship back together.
That's obviously not on the table right now though. I'm going to guess he is carrying around some kind of resentment toward you, otherwise why would he be lying about everything?
I know he has been going to meetings etc, have you been able to get to Al-Anon? We are here from you and I don't know what your face to face support looks like but you do need as much support as possible.
You've said a few times that you know what's going on here and that you need support not advice and I totally get that. The question is, what are you doing/going to do for yourself.
The reason I ask that is that you can't change or control him (I know you know that) so to save YOUR sanity, time to step away, at least emotionally. Detach from it. He obviously doesn't even want to talk about it.
As for the resentment, it's possible and I'm just throwing this out there, that he is blaming you for having to stop drinking. Not a sign of recovery at all but entirely possible here.
That's obviously not on the table right now though. I'm going to guess he is carrying around some kind of resentment toward you, otherwise why would he be lying about everything?
I know he has been going to meetings etc, have you been able to get to Al-Anon? We are here from you and I don't know what your face to face support looks like but you do need as much support as possible.
You've said a few times that you know what's going on here and that you need support not advice and I totally get that. The question is, what are you doing/going to do for yourself.
The reason I ask that is that you can't change or control him (I know you know that) so to save YOUR sanity, time to step away, at least emotionally. Detach from it. He obviously doesn't even want to talk about it.
As for the resentment, it's possible and I'm just throwing this out there, that he is blaming you for having to stop drinking. Not a sign of recovery at all but entirely possible here.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I'm sorry Laur, I completely understand how each lie feels like a stab in the heart. Been there more times than I could count with my alcoholic ex. Drunk or sober, he lied, he lied about everything.. important things and sometimes about things so inconsequential it was baffling that he'd lie about something so insignificant. It drove me insane. It got so that I couldn't trust a word out of his mouth and then he turned it around on me and was angry that I didn't trust him. (What???) This from the guy he would blow his stack if any one ever lied to him. That pickled brain of his just couldn't grasp the contradiction.
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by dandylion
Laur…...I actually wrote a Lot more, in my post...but, the forum ATE the whole last part!!! and, my fingers are too numb to type it all out, right now...…!
However, if you have an interest, I can write more, later...…..?
However, if you have an interest, I can write more, later...…..?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Laur12
trailmix. I don’t mind advice and i do appreciate it! I just do have a good understanding of alcoholism and a good support system with my alaon group. I come here for support and advice. The lying was getting to me. So i spilled it here.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I'm sorry Laur, I completely understand how each lie feels like a stab in the heart. Been there more times than I could count with my alcoholic ex. Drunk or sober, he lied, he lied about everything.. important things and sometimes about things so inconsequential it was baffling that he'd lie about something so insignificant. It drove me insane. It got so that I couldn't trust a word out of his mouth and then he turned it around on me and was angry that I didn't trust him. (What???) This from the guy he would blow his stack if any one ever lied to him. That pickled brain of his just couldn't grasp the contradiction.
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
My AXH started drinking heavily at a very young age. I believe his emotions and coping mechanisms stopped maturing when the drinking started. His emotional behavior, his lying to protect himself at all costs and his blaming anybody and everybody else but himself for the bad things that happen to him certainly reflect the mindset of a 14 year old kid.
It's pretty impossible to rationalize with a "teenager" that wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't want to have to tell his "mom" about it.... that's what I was dealing with. It was so immature, and I didn't always have the greatest reaction to it. Could that be what's going on with your husband?
*hugs*
Omg!! This is EXAH.. down to the very last detail. EXAH would also use the same point to validate completely opposing arguments. Just peculiar!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Laur, yes, sorry if that sounded - unfriendly? Wasn't intended that way. I'm so glad you have so much support. You absolutely need it and I'm glad you come here too! This type of situation is complicated and just isn't solved overnight (don't you wish it was, that there was a magical recovery center).
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