Cocaine addict husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 1
Cocaine addict husband
I am coming to terms that my husband has been using cocaine probably since I have met him. I think I have been naive and not paying attention to the signs. I see a pattern of the highs then being treated like trash on the come downs.
He hides it well. I have found where he keeps it and I look to confirm that he was on it( he does not know that I know where his spot is) I have been noting for almost a year now and it seems to be at the very least every 2 weeks or more.
I have tried to discuss with him, but he just tells me I'm obsessed.
He also lies to me. I don't know how often, but have caught him in them.
He lies about going to strip clubs also.
I feel like our whole relationship is based on lies revolving around his addiction and I am just waking up to this so many years later. 3 kids later.
I have no idea what to do. I feel I am in denial because I have everything. a beautiful family, a home, cars, I get to stay home to watch our kids grow. The only thing I don't have is a mentally stable husband.
The explosive outbursts and cruel words don't even phase me anymore. I just roll my eyes because I know he's just moody from his come down.
I guess I just don't know how to address this because he hides it and I don't think he wants to stop. He is so high functioning that I don't think he sees this as a problem.
I worry about him being faithful. He often brings up all the wrongs and everything I do/have done wrong. I believe he does this to justify his wrong doings.
I am just rambling, but have not been able to open up to anyone about this and just reaching out for advice or suggestions. I feel quite alone and holding this secret.
He hides it well. I have found where he keeps it and I look to confirm that he was on it( he does not know that I know where his spot is) I have been noting for almost a year now and it seems to be at the very least every 2 weeks or more.
I have tried to discuss with him, but he just tells me I'm obsessed.
He also lies to me. I don't know how often, but have caught him in them.
He lies about going to strip clubs also.
I feel like our whole relationship is based on lies revolving around his addiction and I am just waking up to this so many years later. 3 kids later.
I have no idea what to do. I feel I am in denial because I have everything. a beautiful family, a home, cars, I get to stay home to watch our kids grow. The only thing I don't have is a mentally stable husband.
The explosive outbursts and cruel words don't even phase me anymore. I just roll my eyes because I know he's just moody from his come down.
I guess I just don't know how to address this because he hides it and I don't think he wants to stop. He is so high functioning that I don't think he sees this as a problem.
I worry about him being faithful. He often brings up all the wrongs and everything I do/have done wrong. I believe he does this to justify his wrong doings.
I am just rambling, but have not been able to open up to anyone about this and just reaching out for advice or suggestions. I feel quite alone and holding this secret.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry to hear of your troubles...cocaine is a wicked beast. Addiction is a wicked beast. It thrives in secrecy. You'll find lots of help here. Check out the friends and family board. Those folks have really been through it and know their stuff!
The moodiness is hard to deal with....but is classic cocaine use symptom.
The moodiness is hard to deal with....but is classic cocaine use symptom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi cheeks222 and welcome!
You will find a lot of support and information here, you aren't alone.
First things first. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Also, as teatreeoil mentioned, you will probably find a lot of threads you can relate to in the Family and Friends forums:
(The friends and family of alcoholics forum - but addiction is addiction)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
also substance abuse forum (this is generally a quieter forum): https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
I'm sure when you got married you hadn't planned on having a husband that is a cocaine addict. You didn't think that a few years down the road he would be calling you "obsessed" for trying to speak to him about his drug use.
I'm going to guess it has increased gradually, at least as far as you know (addiction is progressive) and has gotten to a stage where you can no longer, possibly, attempt to hide it from your children and that it's having a very serious impact on your relationship.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, I would really recommend you grab a copy. Not saying you are codependent or not, but it has a lot of information about relationships and boundaries.
You will find a lot of support and information here, you aren't alone.
First things first. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Also, as teatreeoil mentioned, you will probably find a lot of threads you can relate to in the Family and Friends forums:
(The friends and family of alcoholics forum - but addiction is addiction)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
also substance abuse forum (this is generally a quieter forum): https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
I'm sure when you got married you hadn't planned on having a husband that is a cocaine addict. You didn't think that a few years down the road he would be calling you "obsessed" for trying to speak to him about his drug use.
I'm going to guess it has increased gradually, at least as far as you know (addiction is progressive) and has gotten to a stage where you can no longer, possibly, attempt to hide it from your children and that it's having a very serious impact on your relationship.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, I would really recommend you grab a copy. Not saying you are codependent or not, but it has a lot of information about relationships and boundaries.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Verbal abuse is abuse.
Your 3 children are growing up learning that this is how women are treated.
I hope you decide to take care of yourself and your children.
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada:
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/...help-aide.html
UK:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Europe:
http://www.cosc.ie/en/COSC/Pages/WP08000009
Australia:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Your 3 children are growing up learning that this is how women are treated.
I hope you decide to take care of yourself and your children.
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada:
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/...help-aide.html
UK:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Europe:
http://www.cosc.ie/en/COSC/Pages/WP08000009
Australia:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
I am sorry for what you are going through , you should not tolerate any abuse .
Cleary your husband needs support but so do you . There is CA which I know has helped people I know . You say he throws his guilt at you , have a look at this
https://issuesiface.com/magazine/usi...lt-as-a-weapon
You will get tons of kind words and advice here but your husband needs to face up to his addiction in order to start recovery .
I'm sure you will find more resources from others here .
Cleary your husband needs support but so do you . There is CA which I know has helped people I know . You say he throws his guilt at you , have a look at this
https://issuesiface.com/magazine/usi...lt-as-a-weapon
You will get tons of kind words and advice here but your husband needs to face up to his addiction in order to start recovery .
I'm sure you will find more resources from others here .
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
That is a living hell you are dealing with. Prayers.
Remember, some stds never go away.
We here at SR know that addiction destroys lives.
I am the type of ex drunk that would take the bullshavik by the horns.
In your face, this nonsense is over or it is over.
That is just me.
If he tries to get physical, call the cops.
Thanks.
Remember, some stds never go away.
We here at SR know that addiction destroys lives.
I am the type of ex drunk that would take the bullshavik by the horns.
In your face, this nonsense is over or it is over.
That is just me.
If he tries to get physical, call the cops.
Thanks.
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