Relapse and breakup
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 25
Relapse and breakup
Hi all and happy Halloween(?). Thank you so much to everyone who responded and sent help and kind words to my post of last week, after my boyfriend walked out of his sober living house and I was trying to figure out what happened. I thought I would update here in case it might help anyone.
He and I didn't talk much this week. He eventually did listen to the voicemail where I called him out for lying to me (only five days late) and was upset with me for believing the sober coordinator over him. But he apologized for misrepresenting things and I apologized for not taking his word and we made plans to hang out tomorrow.
But today I had a weird feeling all day. I really wanted to see him. So I manufactured an excuse to be in his neighborhood and texted asking if he was home. He said no, he was out. But... when I walked by his place, the light was on in the window. (I know... not very detached of me to go looking. But I just needed to know.)
I rang and he let me in. He was drinking. Bottles all over the apartment. He was so ashamed and upset- I think he knew it was over as soon as I walked in. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I said yeah, I was done after tonight, I couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. But that I wanted to help him tonight.
I asked him what his relapse plan was, and if I could help put it into action. Well, the plan was to go back to the sober house, but now-XBF had all the excuses. How could he pay for it? How could he hurt his parents by telling them he'd relapsed? How could he show his face at this house after he'd called the coordinator, quote, "a ******* bag of ****s" for tattling to me last week?
I pointed out that the coordinator, living and working in a house full of alcoholics, had probably heard worse. His parents would probably be disappointed, but relieved that the call was coming from the sober house and not the ER. And that there were options financially, he could take out a loan, ask his parents for help, I would even pay for a couple weeks if there were no other options. Once he calmed down a bit, it seemed to sink in that neither his money or his pride were worth more than his life and he agreed to let me take him back to the house. He called the coordinator and told him he relapsed, he was coming back, and he was sorry for calling Coordinator a bag of di*ks. I did giggle through my tears at that, not gonna lie.
He packed a bag and I got us an Uber to the sober living house. Got him checked in. They're going to let him stay. I don't know how he'll pay for it, but am trying not to worry about it. There were lots of tears, but we hugged goodbye and traded I love yous and I'll always care about yous.
I know this isn't going to be easy and I'm going to feel horribly sad probably soon, but right now I just feel lighter. I knew something was off. I suspected things were going in this direction. And I'm so glad we ended things from a place of love, before we could descend into hatred and resentment. He's a good person and we had six great years together. I don't regret staying this long--I think it would have always haunted me if I didn't at least try to make it work.
But I know this is what's best for me, and I think it'll be good for him too. He won't feel pressure to leave sober living to spend time with me. He came to NYC for me; maybe he'll go somewhere else now where there's not a bar every 3 feet. Who knows, maybe even someday sobriety will stick and we can try again. But I'm doing my best not to get attached to any particular outcome. Just do my own thing and take life as it comes.
Thank you again for all the support. Sending love--I feel like now I have some to spare. And now I'm going to watch Bob's Burgers and eat pumpkin ice cream for dinner.
tl;dr BF relapsed. We broke up and I dropped him off at sober living. We love each other but this feels like the right way forward.
He and I didn't talk much this week. He eventually did listen to the voicemail where I called him out for lying to me (only five days late) and was upset with me for believing the sober coordinator over him. But he apologized for misrepresenting things and I apologized for not taking his word and we made plans to hang out tomorrow.
But today I had a weird feeling all day. I really wanted to see him. So I manufactured an excuse to be in his neighborhood and texted asking if he was home. He said no, he was out. But... when I walked by his place, the light was on in the window. (I know... not very detached of me to go looking. But I just needed to know.)
I rang and he let me in. He was drinking. Bottles all over the apartment. He was so ashamed and upset- I think he knew it was over as soon as I walked in. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I said yeah, I was done after tonight, I couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. But that I wanted to help him tonight.
I asked him what his relapse plan was, and if I could help put it into action. Well, the plan was to go back to the sober house, but now-XBF had all the excuses. How could he pay for it? How could he hurt his parents by telling them he'd relapsed? How could he show his face at this house after he'd called the coordinator, quote, "a ******* bag of ****s" for tattling to me last week?
I pointed out that the coordinator, living and working in a house full of alcoholics, had probably heard worse. His parents would probably be disappointed, but relieved that the call was coming from the sober house and not the ER. And that there were options financially, he could take out a loan, ask his parents for help, I would even pay for a couple weeks if there were no other options. Once he calmed down a bit, it seemed to sink in that neither his money or his pride were worth more than his life and he agreed to let me take him back to the house. He called the coordinator and told him he relapsed, he was coming back, and he was sorry for calling Coordinator a bag of di*ks. I did giggle through my tears at that, not gonna lie.
He packed a bag and I got us an Uber to the sober living house. Got him checked in. They're going to let him stay. I don't know how he'll pay for it, but am trying not to worry about it. There were lots of tears, but we hugged goodbye and traded I love yous and I'll always care about yous.
I know this isn't going to be easy and I'm going to feel horribly sad probably soon, but right now I just feel lighter. I knew something was off. I suspected things were going in this direction. And I'm so glad we ended things from a place of love, before we could descend into hatred and resentment. He's a good person and we had six great years together. I don't regret staying this long--I think it would have always haunted me if I didn't at least try to make it work.
But I know this is what's best for me, and I think it'll be good for him too. He won't feel pressure to leave sober living to spend time with me. He came to NYC for me; maybe he'll go somewhere else now where there's not a bar every 3 feet. Who knows, maybe even someday sobriety will stick and we can try again. But I'm doing my best not to get attached to any particular outcome. Just do my own thing and take life as it comes.
Thank you again for all the support. Sending love--I feel like now I have some to spare. And now I'm going to watch Bob's Burgers and eat pumpkin ice cream for dinner.
tl;dr BF relapsed. We broke up and I dropped him off at sober living. We love each other but this feels like the right way forward.
Last edited by Dee74; 11-01-2019 at 12:05 AM. Reason: refer rule 9
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
That was a really kind thing you did. Wouldn't have worked in all cases and I'm so glad it actually worked for you/him, in that he went back to the sober house. Whether that holds or not, he has another go at it, I hope he can get in to recovery.
You sound really centered. I know it will probably be a bit rocky, emotionally, for a while but it sounds like you have already detached a bit.
Pumpkin ice cream sounds great!
You sound really centered. I know it will probably be a bit rocky, emotionally, for a while but it sounds like you have already detached a bit.
Pumpkin ice cream sounds great!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Snitchcharm,
I knew from the movement you said you were eating pumpkin ice cream for dinner that you were a great and caring person, oh and everything else you said was great also. LOL
It really was a great thing you did for him. You had this feeling in your gut that something was off. You trusted it and took a chance. I know you were hoping for a different outcome, but i think you handled it awesomely. You sounded like you were calm and caring to him. He was also calm, which could of gone anyway since he had been drinking. but everything looks like it turned out for the best. You got him back to the sober house. You departed without yelling at each other. your should be very proud of the things you did for him.
You also need to look after yourself. Good call with starting off with Pumpkin Ice cream. I had my best Pumpkin ice cream from a supermarket brand from a grocery store called "Publix" while on vacation in Disney World. Sadly we have no Publix up here in Virginia and all the other ones i have tried are just not the same.
. Well I hope you have a great day and keep being the strong and caring person that you are.
I knew from the movement you said you were eating pumpkin ice cream for dinner that you were a great and caring person, oh and everything else you said was great also. LOL
It really was a great thing you did for him. You had this feeling in your gut that something was off. You trusted it and took a chance. I know you were hoping for a different outcome, but i think you handled it awesomely. You sounded like you were calm and caring to him. He was also calm, which could of gone anyway since he had been drinking. but everything looks like it turned out for the best. You got him back to the sober house. You departed without yelling at each other. your should be very proud of the things you did for him.
You also need to look after yourself. Good call with starting off with Pumpkin Ice cream. I had my best Pumpkin ice cream from a supermarket brand from a grocery store called "Publix" while on vacation in Disney World. Sadly we have no Publix up here in Virginia and all the other ones i have tried are just not the same.
. Well I hope you have a great day and keep being the strong and caring person that you are.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
But IRONWILL, YOU HAVE TEETER!! 
It was tragic that Publix and Kroger ran them out of Atlanta and GA. UVA was when my love of Teeter began....
And snitch, I think you are amazing. It will be hard for you (and him - hopefully in the sense that deciding to (really) get sober is hard indeed!! Life drunk gets wayyyy harder tho) but your gut and your mind and your actions....they are ones of someone who wants to move on.
Best to you.
It was tragic that Publix and Kroger ran them out of Atlanta and GA. UVA was when my love of Teeter began....And snitch, I think you are amazing. It will be hard for you (and him - hopefully in the sense that deciding to (really) get sober is hard indeed!! Life drunk gets wayyyy harder tho) but your gut and your mind and your actions....they are ones of someone who wants to move on.
Best to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Snitch, good for you! I know that was really hard but it is absolutely the right thing to do. Even if he decided to truly stay sober and really work recovery like he should (and btw, relapses are not a normal part of recovery, it just means they really weren’t truly ready yet) he would really need to focus on himself for many months as it is a pretty selfish process if they are doing it right. Him worrying about leaving the sober house so he could spend time with you takes away from that (and it is more likely that was just an excuse for him to leave the sober house because he didn’t want to stay there) And also, if he ever gets sober he will probably a different person. People who quit drinking and truly recover have to change in order to stay sober. So he may or may not still be a person you would want to have a romantic relationship with. If only it was a simple as he quits drinking and everything will be ok and the same minus the booze....it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. And I think the longer they were an alcoholic and the longer the relationship the harder it is and the more they change from what you were used to if that makes sense,. My ex was an alcoholic for about 40 years (he started in his teens) so he really had to change his dysfunctional ways a lot. A lot of the person I knew was because of alcohol. He has had a to change and no longer has the booze to loosen him up and be jolly so to speak. He isn’t a bad person at all but no longer my person. I too had to change a lot from my dysfunctional ways even though I’m not an alcoholic. And one of the major changes was to quit pleasing everyone and sacrificing my feelings over others as to not hurt them. And it made me realize that my feeling for my ex had long gone I was just afraid to admit it as to not hurt him or our family.
Best thing is to do what your doing, move on without him. If a few years down the road you happen to see each other again and he is sober and changed and you guys still click you can always see, but don’t count on it because it think it is rare for that to happen. There are also no guarantees that an recovering alcoholic will stay clean. There is always a chance he won’t, and only you would be able to decide if you are willing to take that risk.
Best thing is to do what your doing, move on without him. If a few years down the road you happen to see each other again and he is sober and changed and you guys still click you can always see, but don’t count on it because it think it is rare for that to happen. There are also no guarantees that an recovering alcoholic will stay clean. There is always a chance he won’t, and only you would be able to decide if you are willing to take that risk.
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