Christmas... ughhh
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Christmas... ughhh
So I told AH i wanted us all to travel to see my family this Christmas and raised it now so I could organise flights that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg. Fa nearly died this year, so its quite important to me to see family.
So AH clarified that meant we would be there on the actual Christmas Day. I said yes, that's right. He got angry because that would make him look like an a****le. What the???
So then there is this long explanation about how my family is disorganized and they may plan to have lunch, but then it actually ends up being at night, and he would miss that because he has to leave to get the train back downtown to stay in a hotel.
Actually, my friend, you're making yourself look like an a****** all by yourself.
He wouldn't look like that if he just stopped trying to control everything and just stayed the night with us.
My mother laughed when i told her because she said it was funny because we are disorganised and that's one of the great things about our family. We just roll with the day without getting too worked up about things. I'm lucky to have them, and daily calls from siblings.
We will never understand how the A mind works.
So AH clarified that meant we would be there on the actual Christmas Day. I said yes, that's right. He got angry because that would make him look like an a****le. What the???
So then there is this long explanation about how my family is disorganized and they may plan to have lunch, but then it actually ends up being at night, and he would miss that because he has to leave to get the train back downtown to stay in a hotel.
Actually, my friend, you're making yourself look like an a****** all by yourself.
He wouldn't look like that if he just stopped trying to control everything and just stayed the night with us.
My mother laughed when i told her because she said it was funny because we are disorganised and that's one of the great things about our family. We just roll with the day without getting too worked up about things. I'm lucky to have them, and daily calls from siblings.
We will never understand how the A mind works.
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There has always been that with my family too. We are not organized and it drives people crazy. We do the same, just roll with the times. However, XAH's family plans to eat at a certain time, shows up 30 mins before, and eats right on the dot. You can plan the entire thing to the minute.
Like you said, he is the one making himself look like an ass. Problem would be solved if he would simply stay the night or get a closer hotel room?
Whatver. I would make your plans and pray he does leave early LOL.
Big hugs.
Like you said, he is the one making himself look like an ass. Problem would be solved if he would simply stay the night or get a closer hotel room?
Whatver. I would make your plans and pray he does leave early LOL.
Big hugs.
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Holidays are tough! In any way.
here are my quick thoughts- the more casual plans, disorganized I'd say too, is tough for me. You're right- as the alcoholic I do have control issues - but it's also because my family did things differently than my husband's, growing up and as he and his ex wife raised their kids to now late teens/21. It's hard, IMO. Everyone has to give.
I'm not sure how long AH has been sober- ? But I know that holidays intimidated me, worried me, and sincerely program-based stuff had to help me. I had to gain confidence that I wouldn't be the one screwing things up, and accept that if others (like my brother) weren't nearly as confident, that was their issue. It's a work in progress, as I've experienced it.
I truly think that you are in the "right" to decide on x flight day over and back, with that beloved messy style days of. Does that make sense? Also I think he's in the "right" to decide to participate or not. My biggest issue is always the "wanting to know the plan," whatever the plan is.
Random thought is that you make your travel arrangements not including him, he decides whether/when to go and if they are more expensive, perhaps that's worth having it settled?
here are my quick thoughts- the more casual plans, disorganized I'd say too, is tough for me. You're right- as the alcoholic I do have control issues - but it's also because my family did things differently than my husband's, growing up and as he and his ex wife raised their kids to now late teens/21. It's hard, IMO. Everyone has to give.
I'm not sure how long AH has been sober- ? But I know that holidays intimidated me, worried me, and sincerely program-based stuff had to help me. I had to gain confidence that I wouldn't be the one screwing things up, and accept that if others (like my brother) weren't nearly as confident, that was their issue. It's a work in progress, as I've experienced it.
I truly think that you are in the "right" to decide on x flight day over and back, with that beloved messy style days of. Does that make sense? Also I think he's in the "right" to decide to participate or not. My biggest issue is always the "wanting to know the plan," whatever the plan is.
Random thought is that you make your travel arrangements not including him, he decides whether/when to go and if they are more expensive, perhaps that's worth having it settled?
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Wombaticus,
I want to apologize to you, but your AH is a self centered controlling ignoramus. If you are going to go see family for Christmas and from the plans you are making it's not just down the road. Of course you are going to see the family on Christmas day. That is like a no brainier.
I know some spouses don't like there in-laws, but they are part of your family now. You marry the spouse you marry the rest of the family and everything about them.
I can't tell you to bring him or let him stay at home. But I can say you should go. I missed seeing my Dad before he passed away, because we planned on going to my parents house the day after Christmas that year unlike normally where we would go the day before Christmas. He passed away 45 min before we were to arrive. So don't delay or let anything hold you back from seeing loved ones. You can't get those movements back.
Christmas is one of those holidays that it's not about a time table, it's about the people. If lunch turns into dinner. So what. That usually means you were having a good time catching up and didn't care less if you did events at certain times. I hope everything turns out for the best for you and your trip. Have a great day and keep strong.
I want to apologize to you, but your AH is a self centered controlling ignoramus. If you are going to go see family for Christmas and from the plans you are making it's not just down the road. Of course you are going to see the family on Christmas day. That is like a no brainier.
I know some spouses don't like there in-laws, but they are part of your family now. You marry the spouse you marry the rest of the family and everything about them.
I can't tell you to bring him or let him stay at home. But I can say you should go. I missed seeing my Dad before he passed away, because we planned on going to my parents house the day after Christmas that year unlike normally where we would go the day before Christmas. He passed away 45 min before we were to arrive. So don't delay or let anything hold you back from seeing loved ones. You can't get those movements back.
Christmas is one of those holidays that it's not about a time table, it's about the people. If lunch turns into dinner. So what. That usually means you were having a good time catching up and didn't care less if you did events at certain times. I hope everything turns out for the best for you and your trip. Have a great day and keep strong.
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Thanks all. I am going. I told him I was going to book the tickets for me and kids and he could drop in if he felt like it ...or not.
I will have a great time, and so will kids. He may choose to see his family...if he is not still in a communication stand-off with them. Lol.
Detaching.
I will have a great time, and so will kids. He may choose to see his family...if he is not still in a communication stand-off with them. Lol.
Detaching.
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I'm not sure whether he's always done this or I'm just standing up for myself more, but his inflexibility around anything i suggest is getting worse.
Its my life too, and I will live it, thank you very much.
And no, he's not sober...and denies having a drinking problem.
Its my life too, and I will live it, thank you very much.
And no, he's not sober...and denies having a drinking problem.
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
Thanks all. I am going. I told him I was going to book the tickets for me and kids and he could drop in if he felt like it ...or not.
I will have a great time, and so will kids. He may choose to see his family...if he is not still in a communication stand-off with them. Lol.
Detaching.
I will have a great time, and so will kids. He may choose to see his family...if he is not still in a communication stand-off with them. Lol.
Detaching.
(#andmyMILisunkindtome)Thanks for the thread wombaticus - holiday plans have been stressing me out due to the fact my 21 yo stepson is in treatment. Sparing all the details but my husband and I as a team are trying to figure out logistics and participation, to use words of detachment! I've been working on backing off my opinions and ahem, control issues!....and we will figure it out and like everything else in life it will be OK.
Take care.
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From what you have posted you are making decisions in your and your children's best interests now. Possible that before he didn't have too much to be inflexible about because you were the one always or near always being flexible.
Once that changes - well you already know. The defenses go up, they are to protect the alcoholism, not necessarily the alcoholic
Once that changes - well you already know. The defenses go up, they are to protect the alcoholism, not necessarily the alcoholic
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Not to be accusatory or defensive, and while I'm sure in this case it's the alcoholics problem, it's never that easy when personality traits or family habits clash. Just an example:
My family does things pretty close to scheduled times. If we say we're eating at 1, we're eating around 1, maybe 2 if things are running behind. My ex wife's family was disorganized and things always ran super late. With both our families being local, we tried to see all family on holidays.
You see the problem there? One family will stick to a schedule and make sure everyone involved in the holiday gets to see the grandkids and equal time is had. The other family doesn't give a damn about anyone outside themselves. What others chose to consider "disorganized", I considered selfish and inconsiderate. If it's just your family and no one else is involved....do whatever your heart desires. When it starts affecting others and you don't care because that's "Just the way we do it", you're just being crappy people.
I'm not saying that's your situation at all, but before everyone jumps on the controlling ******* alcoholic, look at it from all sides. It can be a little too easy to immediately jump on the alcoholic.
My family does things pretty close to scheduled times. If we say we're eating at 1, we're eating around 1, maybe 2 if things are running behind. My ex wife's family was disorganized and things always ran super late. With both our families being local, we tried to see all family on holidays.
You see the problem there? One family will stick to a schedule and make sure everyone involved in the holiday gets to see the grandkids and equal time is had. The other family doesn't give a damn about anyone outside themselves. What others chose to consider "disorganized", I considered selfish and inconsiderate. If it's just your family and no one else is involved....do whatever your heart desires. When it starts affecting others and you don't care because that's "Just the way we do it", you're just being crappy people.
I'm not saying that's your situation at all, but before everyone jumps on the controlling ******* alcoholic, look at it from all sides. It can be a little too easy to immediately jump on the alcoholic.
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Well your example doesn't refer to Wombaticus's situation at all but I get what you mean.
Then again, no one is being held hostage. If you have said you need to get to Point B at 2:00 and disorganized having fun family doesn't get it together by 1:45, oh well, off you go to Point B.
I don't see the problem.
Then again, no one is being held hostage. If you have said you need to get to Point B at 2:00 and disorganized having fun family doesn't get it together by 1:45, oh well, off you go to Point B.
I don't see the problem.
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Originally Posted by abgator
Not to be accusatory or defensive, and while I'm sure in this case it's the alcoholics problem, it's never that easy when personality traits or family habits clash. Just an example:
My family does things pretty close to scheduled times. If we say we're eating at 1, we're eating around 1, maybe 2 if things are running behind. My ex wife's family was disorganized and things always ran super late. With both our families being local, we tried to see all family on holidays.
You see the problem there? One family will stick to a schedule and make sure everyone involved in the holiday gets to see the grandkids and equal time is had. The other family doesn't give a damn about anyone outside themselves. What others chose to consider "disorganized", I considered selfish and inconsiderate. If it's just your family and no one else is involved....do whatever your heart desires. When it starts affecting others and you don't care because that's "Just the way we do it", you're just being crappy people.
I'm not saying that's your situation at all, but before everyone jumps on the controlling ******* alcoholic, look at it from all sides. It can be a little too easy to immediately jump on the alcoholic.
My family does things pretty close to scheduled times. If we say we're eating at 1, we're eating around 1, maybe 2 if things are running behind. My ex wife's family was disorganized and things always ran super late. With both our families being local, we tried to see all family on holidays.
You see the problem there? One family will stick to a schedule and make sure everyone involved in the holiday gets to see the grandkids and equal time is had. The other family doesn't give a damn about anyone outside themselves. What others chose to consider "disorganized", I considered selfish and inconsiderate. If it's just your family and no one else is involved....do whatever your heart desires. When it starts affecting others and you don't care because that's "Just the way we do it", you're just being crappy people.
I'm not saying that's your situation at all, but before everyone jumps on the controlling ******* alcoholic, look at it from all sides. It can be a little too easy to immediately jump on the alcoholic.
connecting with family is hard for him.
The back story is one of his inflexibility impacting lots of people , lots of times- why cant they have the event at point a where i will be, not point B where the other 10 people are?...etc.
I have accommodated and acommodated over and over.. My need to see my family 1500 miles away in this case is turned around to make it all about how it is goingto make it look for him.
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Wombaticus,
I understand the accommodating and accommodating over and over. It always seems like my AW family came first and then mine when they lived close, It's a moot point now. Everyone lives over 1000 miles away. Thanksgiving and Christmas day was always spent at my in-laws. We would have to schedule a day before or after to see my family. Still enjoyable, and the kids didn't care, but it still lingered in the back of my mind.
The alcoholic always wants their life to come first and to keep you under their control. You decided that you were done playing by his rules (Way to go!) and he is upset. I'm glad this didn't let you stop from purchasing tickets and planning the trip. It's good that you laid it all out on the table for him. He can decide is he going to support you or is he going to stick to alcohol. That is his choice.
I hope you have a good trip when it comes around.
I understand the accommodating and accommodating over and over. It always seems like my AW family came first and then mine when they lived close, It's a moot point now. Everyone lives over 1000 miles away. Thanksgiving and Christmas day was always spent at my in-laws. We would have to schedule a day before or after to see my family. Still enjoyable, and the kids didn't care, but it still lingered in the back of my mind.
The alcoholic always wants their life to come first and to keep you under their control. You decided that you were done playing by his rules (Way to go!) and he is upset. I'm glad this didn't let you stop from purchasing tickets and planning the trip. It's good that you laid it all out on the table for him. He can decide is he going to support you or is he going to stick to alcohol. That is his choice.
I hope you have a good trip when it comes around.
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Something is bothering him, and it's almost certainly not what he tells you. It will be something to do with his ability to drink on the day. Hopefully he can just do his own thing without disrupting anyone else.
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Wombaticus,
I understand the accommodating and accommodating over and over. It always seems like my AW family came first and then mine when they lived close,
I understand the accommodating and accommodating over and over. It always seems like my AW family came first and then mine when they lived close,
That's not reserved for alcoholics.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
In my world the wife's family always trumps the husband's for holidays lol
That's not reserved for alcoholics.
That's not reserved for alcoholics.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Originally Posted by trailmix
In my world the wife's family always trumps the husband's for holidays lol
That's not reserved for alcoholics.
That's not reserved for alcoholics.
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