Trying to keep focused
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Trying to keep focused
Like many on here I guess when I’m having a bad day I come on here to re read people’s experiences to feel positive in my decision to leave my AXBF I have days where I am mentally in a good place and feel good, Then I have a reminder a song a phone call a text message from him a conversation that brings me crashing down the grieving process of leaving someone you love because they are ill.
i had a phone call from my High functioning alcoholic yes I have had a few text messages but I’ve been ok with them, I can love him from a distance.
he has told me he has a lump in his stomach and pain I know i cannot fix him I can only advice him to go to the doctors to get it checked if he does or doesn’t that has to be his decision and I have told him that very clearly that I care but I cannot and will not hold his hand as I have to move on with my own life, as hard as it is to shut down the care I feel it’s the only way I can move forward, I can’t always be his go to if his feeling down that’s not fair on me.
He was upset and I get that his obviously worried but I’m sure his just having a down day after drinking in the week as I got drunken text on the Wednesday and Thursday to which I ignored.
he then started to go again about how much he loved me and saying can we not have a baby together like Wtf !!! I have 2 grown up children he has a son is he mad !!! I replied with no and he kept saying we haven’t got children together let’s have 1 this is not the first time he has said this and he has always said it a lot to me, it’s something that will not ever happen with him or in general.lol
then he flips the coin again your never find anyone that loves you the way I do me and you aren’t meant to be together ( I will find someone else ) I just sat there listening not speaking as I’m listening to someone I feel is not even on the same planet as me, why do they go on so much ??
Then he flips the coin again !!!! if i meet anyone else I know your going to go mental at me ( no I’m not she will get The same person I had) is that a loss to me I don’t think so anymore I can’t see him never drinking again !! And that’s what it will take for him to change.
his even been messaging my two daughters who are in there 20’s just seeing how they are it seems he just won’t break that bit of rope between us i feel he won’t let me go if that makes sense.and I am not telling him I love him or anything on the phone I just sit there listening saying yes no because his not the same man I met years again
I am strong on the phone and hold my ground.
as it hasn’t been that long since we split some things are still raw and some days it’s hard, my stomach is in knots today.
i feel some days I understand the brain of an alcoholic and other days I’m gob smacked with what he comes out with.
I feel today I just can’t breath and someone is sitting my chest is this normal ?? Can I stop my head from spinning ??? How do i get off this rollercoaster.
i had a phone call from my High functioning alcoholic yes I have had a few text messages but I’ve been ok with them, I can love him from a distance.
he has told me he has a lump in his stomach and pain I know i cannot fix him I can only advice him to go to the doctors to get it checked if he does or doesn’t that has to be his decision and I have told him that very clearly that I care but I cannot and will not hold his hand as I have to move on with my own life, as hard as it is to shut down the care I feel it’s the only way I can move forward, I can’t always be his go to if his feeling down that’s not fair on me.
He was upset and I get that his obviously worried but I’m sure his just having a down day after drinking in the week as I got drunken text on the Wednesday and Thursday to which I ignored.
he then started to go again about how much he loved me and saying can we not have a baby together like Wtf !!! I have 2 grown up children he has a son is he mad !!! I replied with no and he kept saying we haven’t got children together let’s have 1 this is not the first time he has said this and he has always said it a lot to me, it’s something that will not ever happen with him or in general.lol
then he flips the coin again your never find anyone that loves you the way I do me and you aren’t meant to be together ( I will find someone else ) I just sat there listening not speaking as I’m listening to someone I feel is not even on the same planet as me, why do they go on so much ??
Then he flips the coin again !!!! if i meet anyone else I know your going to go mental at me ( no I’m not she will get The same person I had) is that a loss to me I don’t think so anymore I can’t see him never drinking again !! And that’s what it will take for him to change.
his even been messaging my two daughters who are in there 20’s just seeing how they are it seems he just won’t break that bit of rope between us i feel he won’t let me go if that makes sense.and I am not telling him I love him or anything on the phone I just sit there listening saying yes no because his not the same man I met years again
I am strong on the phone and hold my ground.
as it hasn’t been that long since we split some things are still raw and some days it’s hard, my stomach is in knots today.
i feel some days I understand the brain of an alcoholic and other days I’m gob smacked with what he comes out with.
I feel today I just can’t breath and someone is sitting my chest is this normal ?? Can I stop my head from spinning ??? How do i get off this rollercoaster.
Last edited by B1ueEyes; 10-29-2019 at 03:34 AM. Reason: Forgot title
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Because I don’t hate him and I know I don’t want to be with someone that drinks as much as he does.
that I am certain of.
i didn’t think I would hear from him after the last time I saw him to give him to items back.
The odd text was ok we was each other nearly 3 years But the contact seem to be more frequent now well saying that not heard from him since Sunday morning so that’s a positive.
that I am certain of.
i didn’t think I would hear from him after the last time I saw him to give him to items back.
The odd text was ok we was each other nearly 3 years But the contact seem to be more frequent now well saying that not heard from him since Sunday morning so that’s a positive.
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I feel today I just can’t breath and someone is sitting my chest is this normal ?? Can I stop my head from spinning ??? How do i get off this rollercoaster.
Go No Contact. every time you make yourself available to his blathering rants, you invite the chaos. drunken texts, rambling phone calls, harassing your kids.
he just won’t break that bit of rope between us i feel he won’t let me go
not his job to "let" you go........your job to make the break.
Go No Contact. every time you make yourself available to his blathering rants, you invite the chaos. drunken texts, rambling phone calls, harassing your kids.
he just won’t break that bit of rope between us i feel he won’t let me go
not his job to "let" you go........your job to make the break.
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Originally Posted by B1ueEyes 
How do i get off this rollercoaster.
Sounds like what you are experiencing in anxiety. This dysfunction you are living in doesn't just skim over you mentally or physically. It's a real thing and it's proven science, so not some airy fairy oh I'm being treated badly and having flash backs and now I don't feel good, what's up with that.
Let go of the rope.
He has no power over you, none, zero. You don't need to be his sounding board for every ache or pain or bad day he is having. Can he not call his Mom? Better yet, get a therapist!
Do you have the mental energy in your day to take on this guys problems? Do you want to be his therapist? Do you wonder why he thinks you are!
This is just selfish behaviour on his part. If he called to ask how you are and talk about his promotion at work or some great sports play he saw or how he bought a new snow blower, those are normal conversations, but I bet your stomach gets tied up in knots every time the phone rings and it's him or when you hear the text ring on your phone.
Perhaps don't be so available, no need to sacrifice any more of your well-being for him?
How about taking care of yourself? How about turning off your phone or at least putting it on mute so you don't have to wonder if it's going to ring or sound a text (better to go NC but if you won't right now you won't). As for your Daughters, I would definitely recommend they block him, no need for them to be part of the insanity.
Personally I have text sounds turned off. Don't be a slave to your phone if nothing else.
Then, focus on yourself, getting out and meeting friends, Al-Anon meetings, as many as you can fit in right now. Go shopping, buy your favourite foods, go swimming! and get some books (if reading is your thing). What is your thing? What do you like?
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Thank you and your so right o really thought well hoped that after we met that would be it I mean cmon he chose his first love over me so it really should be that easy so you would think !!!!
I do have always suffered with anxiety and have skates dealt with it when it flares up like now and your right to get my mind in a good place o need to turn the phone off and read or watch some feel good movies.
and not let him get into my head.
everyone is right I have the power of the rope and o need to cut it or this will forever continue and my mind and emotions will never settle !!
He took my girls on and was like a father to them always the amazing man to them, but I will speak to them and explain it’s not healthy for them to be involved in all this and for my sanity they need to block him.
Thank you I really have taken note of what each of you have said and your right I need to get my life back and he cannot Br any part of that !
I do have always suffered with anxiety and have skates dealt with it when it flares up like now and your right to get my mind in a good place o need to turn the phone off and read or watch some feel good movies.
and not let him get into my head.
everyone is right I have the power of the rope and o need to cut it or this will forever continue and my mind and emotions will never settle !!
He took my girls on and was like a father to them always the amazing man to them, but I will speak to them and explain it’s not healthy for them to be involved in all this and for my sanity they need to block him.
Thank you I really have taken note of what each of you have said and your right I need to get my life back and he cannot Br any part of that !
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Your girls are adults now, right? I don’t think you need to be involved with whom they do or do not block on social media and texts. You can block him for yourself, and you can let your daughters know you don’t want to discuss him with them. Trying to manage (or “explain”) how other people should interact with the alcoholic just keeps you in the drama.
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BlueEyes…..first I would like to say how much I salute your determination to put your own welfare as a priority. I know that is hard for you to do, given that you still have feelings for him. But, it is necessary to save your emotional health and peace of mind. You can never have that with a practicing alcoholic, and I am so glad that you recognize that.
The messages and pleading from him, even though you have left, is Intermittent Reinforcement to you, and triggering your anxiety over having left him. Intermittent Reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. Who knew? Wellll, I will tell you who knew. toddlers and young children know this, instinctively! When they want another cookie, and mom says "No. It is too close to dinner time". The toddler keeps asking, over and over, until the mother just gets tired and gives in. This teaches the toddler, that, if they just try long enough, they will get their way.
If the mother had been consistent, and not given in ,randomly, the child would have learned that when mom says "no"....to quit trying.
Google...".Intermittent Reinforcement in Psychology".....and, you will get a much better explanation of the power of intermittent reinforcement than I have given...lol....
Not to say that you can never speak to him again.....but, not until you have gone on in your life, healed, and no longer get the anxiety reaction with connection to him.....probably, after a year or more. By the time you have healed, he will probably have gone on to find a more responsive enabler....and a parent-child relationship that suits his needs, better....
right now, it sounds like he has realized that you are not so easy to rope back in....so, he is pulling out every tool in his basket to see if it will work. Remember, that he knows your points of greatest vulnerability...where your hot buttons are located...and, he is pushing all of them. He really seems to know where your "guilt' button is located! And, he is pushing it, big time.....
***Please forgine me, BlueEyes, but, I do admit that I had a chuckle at his offer of pregnancy, to you......I was thinking "What a great pick-up line"......I was picturing some guy in a singles bar...going from table to table...asking the women if they would like to get pregnant....I wonder how long it would take for security to remove him...?
such is my twisted sense of humor.....
The messages and pleading from him, even though you have left, is Intermittent Reinforcement to you, and triggering your anxiety over having left him. Intermittent Reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. Who knew? Wellll, I will tell you who knew. toddlers and young children know this, instinctively! When they want another cookie, and mom says "No. It is too close to dinner time". The toddler keeps asking, over and over, until the mother just gets tired and gives in. This teaches the toddler, that, if they just try long enough, they will get their way.
If the mother had been consistent, and not given in ,randomly, the child would have learned that when mom says "no"....to quit trying.
Google...".Intermittent Reinforcement in Psychology".....and, you will get a much better explanation of the power of intermittent reinforcement than I have given...lol....
Not to say that you can never speak to him again.....but, not until you have gone on in your life, healed, and no longer get the anxiety reaction with connection to him.....probably, after a year or more. By the time you have healed, he will probably have gone on to find a more responsive enabler....and a parent-child relationship that suits his needs, better....
right now, it sounds like he has realized that you are not so easy to rope back in....so, he is pulling out every tool in his basket to see if it will work. Remember, that he knows your points of greatest vulnerability...where your hot buttons are located...and, he is pushing all of them. He really seems to know where your "guilt' button is located! And, he is pushing it, big time.....
***Please forgine me, BlueEyes, but, I do admit that I had a chuckle at his offer of pregnancy, to you......I was thinking "What a great pick-up line"......I was picturing some guy in a singles bar...going from table to table...asking the women if they would like to get pregnant....I wonder how long it would take for security to remove him...?
such is my twisted sense of humor.....
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[QUOTE=Sasha1972;7299164]Your girls are adults now, right? I don’t think you need to be involved with whom they do or do not block on social media and texts. You can block him for yourself, and you can let your daughters know you don’t want to discuss him with them. Trying to manage (or “explain”) how other people should interact with the alcoholic just keeps you in the drama.[/QUOTE
i actually wasn’t going to say anything as they are adults but was listening to advice from people on this site... but yes your right i don’t want to or need to discuss him with them.
i actually wasn’t going to say anything as they are adults but was listening to advice from people on this site... but yes your right i don’t want to or need to discuss him with them.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
BlueEyes…..first I would like to say how much I salute your determination to put your own welfare as a priority. I know that is hard for you to do, given that you still have feelings for him. But, it is necessary to save your emotional health and peace of mind. You can never have that with a practicing alcoholic, and I am so glad that you recognize that.
The messages and pleading from him, even though you have left, is Intermittent Reinforcement to you, and triggering your anxiety over having left him. Intermittent Reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. Who knew? Wellll, I will tell you who knew. toddlers and young children know this, instinctively! When they want another cookie, and mom says "No. It is too close to dinner time". The toddler keeps asking, over and over, until the mother just gets tired and gives in. This teaches the toddler, that, if they just try long enough, they will get their way.
If the mother had been consistent, and not given in ,randomly, the child would have learned that when mom says "no"....to quit trying.
Google...".Intermittent Reinforcement in Psychology".....and, you will get a much better explanation of the power of intermittent reinforcement than I have given...lol....
Not to say that you can never speak to him again.....but, not until you have gone on in your life, healed, and no longer get the anxiety reaction with connection to him.....probably, after a year or more. By the time you have healed, he will probably have gone on to find a more responsive enabler....and a parent-child relationship that suits his needs, better....
right now, it sounds like he has realized that you are not so easy to rope back in....so, he is pulling out every tool in his basket to see if it will work. Remember, that he knows your points of greatest vulnerability...where your hot buttons are located...and, he is pushing all of them. He really seems to know where your "guilt' button is located! And, he is pushing it, big time.....
***Please forgine me, BlueEyes, but, I do admit that I had a chuckle at his offer of pregnancy, to you......I was thinking "What a great pick-up line"......I was picturing some guy in a singles bar...going from table to table...asking the women if they would like to get pregnant....I wonder how long it would take for security to remove him...?
such is my twisted sense of humor.....
The messages and pleading from him, even though you have left, is Intermittent Reinforcement to you, and triggering your anxiety over having left him. Intermittent Reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement. Who knew? Wellll, I will tell you who knew. toddlers and young children know this, instinctively! When they want another cookie, and mom says "No. It is too close to dinner time". The toddler keeps asking, over and over, until the mother just gets tired and gives in. This teaches the toddler, that, if they just try long enough, they will get their way.
If the mother had been consistent, and not given in ,randomly, the child would have learned that when mom says "no"....to quit trying.
Google...".Intermittent Reinforcement in Psychology".....and, you will get a much better explanation of the power of intermittent reinforcement than I have given...lol....
Not to say that you can never speak to him again.....but, not until you have gone on in your life, healed, and no longer get the anxiety reaction with connection to him.....probably, after a year or more. By the time you have healed, he will probably have gone on to find a more responsive enabler....and a parent-child relationship that suits his needs, better....
right now, it sounds like he has realized that you are not so easy to rope back in....so, he is pulling out every tool in his basket to see if it will work. Remember, that he knows your points of greatest vulnerability...where your hot buttons are located...and, he is pushing all of them. He really seems to know where your "guilt' button is located! And, he is pushing it, big time.....
***Please forgine me, BlueEyes, but, I do admit that I had a chuckle at his offer of pregnancy, to you......I was thinking "What a great pick-up line"......I was picturing some guy in a singles bar...going from table to table...asking the women if they would like to get pregnant....I wonder how long it would take for security to remove him...?
such is my twisted sense of humor.....
my anxiety use to get worse on a Sunday’ the day after his amazing weekend with his first love ! I would always feel like I had done something wrong looking back now I would go to his every need to try and lift his spirit bring him everything he wanted I caught on and realised I hadn’t done anything !! It was him that had the problem not me but the anxiety had already started this is when I knew I had to get out as it’s draining walking on egg shells around him when he was without drink.
io cried so many times on the worst day’s saying I just can’t do this anymore I’m being dragged into a dark hole his hole !!!
so that was my strength that made me leave him when his drinking or knowing his going to have a drink amazing funny etc the days he didn’t drink mostly Sunday’s I hated.
Even though it’s early days and yet still he calls me and messaged me his now gone quiet !! And I know from reading on here it’s a game a mind game but I’m. It playing anymore I’m not calling him or wondering what his doing as I did when I was with him and I think that’s why he keeps popping his head up trying to get me to bite .
and yes I also laughed about the let’s have another baby shoes he really think I would have a child with him !!! And be stuck with seeing him for the rest of my life i beleive it’s just another hold tactic by him Jesus his deluded I’m 47 !!!!! Not 21 haha
the good thing about being on the out side looking in you do see the games the emotional ones clearly does it hurt of course it does will it pass yes I’m just in the process of getting my leg over the fence so to speak and now o just have to get the rest of me over it to, to the happiness on the other side.
and I will !!! Mentally it’s going to take some time but thank you !!! Your words mean so much xx
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B1ueEyes,
It sounds like your on the Primeval Whirl Roller coaster at the Disney's Animal Kingdom. The coaster starts at the platform (you meet your XABF). It starts up the hill (your journey is going in a straight and good direction). It then reaches the pinnacle height (the spot where alcohol is discovered by XABF). Now the ride is still pretty level but has a few turns in it ( testing the waters, what can I get away with and will anyone notice I’m drinking). Then comes the first hill, not bad but something you can handle on your own (XABF says I have a lump in my stomach, then go see a doctor your a big boy). Then comes the big hill (XABF says lets have a baby) talk about throwing you back in your seat. You then get out of the hill just to be twisted and turned not knowing which way your going. (you will never find someone who love you like I do. wait you will go mental if I meet someone new.) Then the ride comes to an end waiting to get off (he texts your kids cause he doesn't want it to end).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC_jqWno63I
The only way to get off this ride is to go no contact. Same with the kids. I know they are adults but it's not good for them either to deal with an alcoholic. I hope you get through this and have a good day and keep being strong.
It sounds like your on the Primeval Whirl Roller coaster at the Disney's Animal Kingdom. The coaster starts at the platform (you meet your XABF). It starts up the hill (your journey is going in a straight and good direction). It then reaches the pinnacle height (the spot where alcohol is discovered by XABF). Now the ride is still pretty level but has a few turns in it ( testing the waters, what can I get away with and will anyone notice I’m drinking). Then comes the first hill, not bad but something you can handle on your own (XABF says I have a lump in my stomach, then go see a doctor your a big boy). Then comes the big hill (XABF says lets have a baby) talk about throwing you back in your seat. You then get out of the hill just to be twisted and turned not knowing which way your going. (you will never find someone who love you like I do. wait you will go mental if I meet someone new.) Then the ride comes to an end waiting to get off (he texts your kids cause he doesn't want it to end).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC_jqWno63I
The only way to get off this ride is to go no contact. Same with the kids. I know they are adults but it's not good for them either to deal with an alcoholic. I hope you get through this and have a good day and keep being strong.
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[QUOTE=ironwill;7299211]B1ueEyes,
It sounds like your on the Primeval Whirl Roller coaster at the Disney's Animal Kingdom. The coaster starts at the platform (you meet your XABF). It starts up the hill (your journey is going in a straight and good direction). It then reaches the pinnacle height (the spot where alcohol is discovered by XABF). Now the ride is still pretty level but has a few turns in it ( testing the waters, what can I get away with and will anyone notice I’m drinking). Then comes the first hill, not bad but something you can handle on your own (XABF says I have a lump in my stomach, then go see a doctor your a big boy). Then comes the big hill (XABF says lets have a baby) talk about throwing you back in your seat. You then get out of the hill just to be twisted and turned not knowing which way your going. (you will never find someone who love you like I do. wait you will go mental if I meet someone new.) Then the ride comes to an end waiting to get off (he texts your kids causeThe only way to get off this ride is to go no contact. Same with the kids. I know they are adults but it's not good for them either to deal with an alcoholic. I hope you get through this and have a good day and keep being strong.[/QUO
yesb!!! That exactly how I felt the twist the turns the me the him OMG it’s madness and it does effect your head !!! The pulling the pushing and your right o do need to go no contact I didn’t think o would have to do this, o actually thought he would be happy with his first love.. I feel angry reading what I’ve wrote and others he has no right to do this to me !! I just want a normal life one he couldn’t give me.. broken promises the lies I hope he does meet someone I would actually put a bow round his head and deliver him ( as miuch as o really wouldn’t want to put him on any female) no one deserved this. Thank you for your amazing words.
It sounds like your on the Primeval Whirl Roller coaster at the Disney's Animal Kingdom. The coaster starts at the platform (you meet your XABF). It starts up the hill (your journey is going in a straight and good direction). It then reaches the pinnacle height (the spot where alcohol is discovered by XABF). Now the ride is still pretty level but has a few turns in it ( testing the waters, what can I get away with and will anyone notice I’m drinking). Then comes the first hill, not bad but something you can handle on your own (XABF says I have a lump in my stomach, then go see a doctor your a big boy). Then comes the big hill (XABF says lets have a baby) talk about throwing you back in your seat. You then get out of the hill just to be twisted and turned not knowing which way your going. (you will never find someone who love you like I do. wait you will go mental if I meet someone new.) Then the ride comes to an end waiting to get off (he texts your kids causeThe only way to get off this ride is to go no contact. Same with the kids. I know they are adults but it's not good for them either to deal with an alcoholic. I hope you get through this and have a good day and keep being strong.[/QUO
yesb!!! That exactly how I felt the twist the turns the me the him OMG it’s madness and it does effect your head !!! The pulling the pushing and your right o do need to go no contact I didn’t think o would have to do this, o actually thought he would be happy with his first love.. I feel angry reading what I’ve wrote and others he has no right to do this to me !! I just want a normal life one he couldn’t give me.. broken promises the lies I hope he does meet someone I would actually put a bow round his head and deliver him ( as miuch as o really wouldn’t want to put him on any female) no one deserved this. Thank you for your amazing words.
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So often, we speak of the behavior, and the disease that our loved ones are suffering from, and all the crazy things they do and say.
We too, suffer from the effects of the disease of alcoholism, and just the way an alcoholic can never drink again, we have to completely stop trying to make sense of that which is impossible to understand.
I have tried to make sense of the alcoholic's behavior, and failed, and almost lost my sanity in the process.
We can never really understand what the alcoholic does or doesn't do...the behavior defies logic...sometimes the only way to stop trying to make sense of it is to completely cut them off. Whatever you decide to do, do what is best for your sanity and well-being. His higher power has him covered. You are free to take care of yourself.
I wish you peace and calm in your life.
We too, suffer from the effects of the disease of alcoholism, and just the way an alcoholic can never drink again, we have to completely stop trying to make sense of that which is impossible to understand.
I have tried to make sense of the alcoholic's behavior, and failed, and almost lost my sanity in the process.
We can never really understand what the alcoholic does or doesn't do...the behavior defies logic...sometimes the only way to stop trying to make sense of it is to completely cut them off. Whatever you decide to do, do what is best for your sanity and well-being. His higher power has him covered. You are free to take care of yourself.
I wish you peace and calm in your life.
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Posts: 51
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
So often, we speak of the behavior, and the disease that our loved ones are suffering from, and all the crazy things they do and say.
We too, suffer from the effects of the disease of alcoholism, and just the way an alcoholic can never drink again, we have to completely stop trying to make sense of that which is impossible to understand.
I have tried to make sense of the alcoholic's behavior, and failed, and almost lost my sanity in the process.
We can never really understand what the alcoholic does or doesn't do...the behavior defies logic...sometimes the only way to stop trying to make sense of it is to completely cut them off. Whatever you decide to do, do what is best for your sanity and well-being. His higher power has him covered. You are free to take care of yourself.
I wish you peace and calm in your life.
We too, suffer from the effects of the disease of alcoholism, and just the way an alcoholic can never drink again, we have to completely stop trying to make sense of that which is impossible to understand.
I have tried to make sense of the alcoholic's behavior, and failed, and almost lost my sanity in the process.
We can never really understand what the alcoholic does or doesn't do...the behavior defies logic...sometimes the only way to stop trying to make sense of it is to completely cut them off. Whatever you decide to do, do what is best for your sanity and well-being. His higher power has him covered. You are free to take care of yourself.
I wish you peace and calm in your life.
and then when you split up with them, your then trying to again figure out why it happened could you have done anything different .
so yes I totally agree with you !! You cannot figure them out at all no pony even trying !!! The best thing to do is walk away and that’s what I am doing.
I truly feel for all those that are still on this crazy train and o uk hope they find strength to look after there own minds and we’ll being...
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