New Beginning and Ending...I think
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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New Beginning and Ending...I think
So I moved into my new place this past weekend, and absolutely love it. The XRAF offered to help me on Saturday. The day started out great. We went out to breakfast, wandered a festival on the street, then came to the house and assembled some furniture and transported some boxes. On the second trip from storage to the house, I fell apart and shut down. Just seeing what used to be all of "our" stuff killed me.
He got pissy because he could tell I was shut down. He asked me if he should leave because I clearly didn't want him there, and I said yes, that I'd do this with my friends instead. An hour or so later, I had to go to his house to pick up my dog, and he was such a jerk to me. He had made dinners for me, and promised me the coffeepot and rug and a few other things, and he didn't give any of that to me. So I left. I was too tired and irritated to care. He sent me money and I sent it back--I don't need guilt $.
What I realized after I left was that he is still blaming me for getting upset. I texted him that night and said that if he had owned what he did, and what a ****** thing it was to kick me out just before we were supposed to get married, then it would have lessened the impact on me (maybe). I said all his "compassion" has seemed more like guilt than actual remorse. He sent a ****** text back saying he had more compassion than I would know, and it was my fault that I didn't notice that.
LIGHT BULB moment. He is literally blaming me for everything, and taking no personal accountability for how the alcoholism affected us and me. Maybe it's too much to deal with at 60 days sober, but that is not my problem.
On the way home, I changed my mailing address, removed him from a few accounts we shared together (like our storage) and accepted that it's over on my side. He may want to get back together, but I absolutely cannot do that if he isn't personally accountable for anything.
In the last 60 days, I had seen flashes of that guy, the guy I fell in love with, the smart, funny, kind, honest, and vulnerable guy. But that's all they were--flashes. Nothing has cemented, nothing has changed, and now I have made it so I don't need to have any more contact with him again.
It's still pretty freaking hard and devastating (today is the anniversary of the day we met) and a part of me doesn't want to accept any of that. I just tell myself to accept it for this minute, this hour, and after a while, it'll get easier.
I almost liked the drinking fiance better, because at least that man did apologize and own his stuff (maybe the alcohol lowered his defenses? IDK). Either way, it doesn't matter, because I can't be with someone who can't be accountable.
On to new beginnings :-)
He got pissy because he could tell I was shut down. He asked me if he should leave because I clearly didn't want him there, and I said yes, that I'd do this with my friends instead. An hour or so later, I had to go to his house to pick up my dog, and he was such a jerk to me. He had made dinners for me, and promised me the coffeepot and rug and a few other things, and he didn't give any of that to me. So I left. I was too tired and irritated to care. He sent me money and I sent it back--I don't need guilt $.
What I realized after I left was that he is still blaming me for getting upset. I texted him that night and said that if he had owned what he did, and what a ****** thing it was to kick me out just before we were supposed to get married, then it would have lessened the impact on me (maybe). I said all his "compassion" has seemed more like guilt than actual remorse. He sent a ****** text back saying he had more compassion than I would know, and it was my fault that I didn't notice that.
LIGHT BULB moment. He is literally blaming me for everything, and taking no personal accountability for how the alcoholism affected us and me. Maybe it's too much to deal with at 60 days sober, but that is not my problem.
On the way home, I changed my mailing address, removed him from a few accounts we shared together (like our storage) and accepted that it's over on my side. He may want to get back together, but I absolutely cannot do that if he isn't personally accountable for anything.
In the last 60 days, I had seen flashes of that guy, the guy I fell in love with, the smart, funny, kind, honest, and vulnerable guy. But that's all they were--flashes. Nothing has cemented, nothing has changed, and now I have made it so I don't need to have any more contact with him again.
It's still pretty freaking hard and devastating (today is the anniversary of the day we met) and a part of me doesn't want to accept any of that. I just tell myself to accept it for this minute, this hour, and after a while, it'll get easier.
I almost liked the drinking fiance better, because at least that man did apologize and own his stuff (maybe the alcohol lowered his defenses? IDK). Either way, it doesn't matter, because I can't be with someone who can't be accountable.
On to new beginnings :-)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well, congratulations on getting in to your new place! I am happy for you about that!
You know, you are absolutely right. He could have sat with you in your new place and said what an ass he had been and you two could have had a good discussion and maybe put a lot of that to rest.
That's the ideal (and kind of how a "normal" relationship works).
But you weren't in a relationship with "that guy", unfortunately.
You have no idea of the depths of his compassion! Umm well no, he would actually have to show you that and he hasn't (actions, not words and in this case you got neither). You laid it out in the text, you were supposed to get married and then he asks you to move out. His reply doesn't even address any of that.
You have made the right move, as painful as that might be right now.
Yes, on to new beginnings.
Oh, just a suggestion, I'm sure money is tight now that you have just moved but maybe don't unpack too much of the "we" stuff just yet? While your place might seem a bit empty without as much stuff, might be inspiring to fill it up as you go with what you really want.
You know, you are absolutely right. He could have sat with you in your new place and said what an ass he had been and you two could have had a good discussion and maybe put a lot of that to rest.
That's the ideal (and kind of how a "normal" relationship works).
But you weren't in a relationship with "that guy", unfortunately.
You have no idea of the depths of his compassion! Umm well no, he would actually have to show you that and he hasn't (actions, not words and in this case you got neither). You laid it out in the text, you were supposed to get married and then he asks you to move out. His reply doesn't even address any of that.
You have made the right move, as painful as that might be right now.
Yes, on to new beginnings.
Oh, just a suggestion, I'm sure money is tight now that you have just moved but maybe don't unpack too much of the "we" stuff just yet? While your place might seem a bit empty without as much stuff, might be inspiring to fill it up as you go with what you really want.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Yeah, I left a lot of that stuff in boxes and went to Goodwill instead. It's easier to not look at all of the things we had together. Everything else (including the coffeepot, lol), I borrowed from my friends.
And you're right, TM--as much as I had convinced myself in the last few weeks that I was in a relationship with "that" guy because I saw flashes of him, he really isn't there. It's sad and painful, but the sooner I accept that reality, the less power it will have over my emotions and self.
And you're right, TM--as much as I had convinced myself in the last few weeks that I was in a relationship with "that" guy because I saw flashes of him, he really isn't there. It's sad and painful, but the sooner I accept that reality, the less power it will have over my emotions and self.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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TriStrong,
Congrats and good luck in your new place. Sorry your XRAF was being a jerk to you. The way he treated you when you came back for the rug, coffee pot and other stuff, shows you he doesn't have much compassion for you.
He may of been apologetic and owned up to his stuff when drinking, but he shouldn't of needed alcohol to be that type person for you.
I'm glad to hear you have friends to lean on. I give a extra cheer to the person who lent you a coffee pot. A life with out coffee is not worth getting out of bed for. lol Keep being strong and have a great day.
Congrats and good luck in your new place. Sorry your XRAF was being a jerk to you. The way he treated you when you came back for the rug, coffee pot and other stuff, shows you he doesn't have much compassion for you.
He may of been apologetic and owned up to his stuff when drinking, but he shouldn't of needed alcohol to be that type person for you.
I'm glad to hear you have friends to lean on. I give a extra cheer to the person who lent you a coffee pot. A life with out coffee is not worth getting out of bed for. lol Keep being strong and have a great day.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by ironwill 
TriStrong,
Congrats and good luck in your new place. Sorry your XRAF was being a jerk to you. The way he treated you when you came back for the rug, coffee pot and other stuff, shows you he doesn't have much compassion for you.
He may of been apologetic and owned up to his stuff when drinking, but he shouldn't of needed alcohol to be that type person for you.
I'm glad to hear you have friends to lean on. I give a extra cheer to the person who lent you a coffee pot. A life with out coffee is not worth getting out of bed for. lol Keep being strong and have a great day.
Congrats and good luck in your new place. Sorry your XRAF was being a jerk to you. The way he treated you when you came back for the rug, coffee pot and other stuff, shows you he doesn't have much compassion for you.
He may of been apologetic and owned up to his stuff when drinking, but he shouldn't of needed alcohol to be that type person for you.
I'm glad to hear you have friends to lean on. I give a extra cheer to the person who lent you a coffee pot. A life with out coffee is not worth getting out of bed for. lol Keep being strong and have a great day.
LOL. Absolutely. And I didn't look at it that way--that not giving me things I definitely needed was the opposite of showing compassion. Good point.
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TriStrong…..I know that it must have been like walking on broken glass to get through the day.....Even so, you were strong enough to do it...and, you can give yourself credit for that.
I can assure you that it WILL get easier, as time goes on....
Just as we are wired to hurt when relationships end....we are wired to HEAL....
The sun will come out again and you will laugh again.....
I can assure you that it WILL get easier, as time goes on....
Just as we are wired to hurt when relationships end....we are wired to HEAL....
The sun will come out again and you will laugh again.....
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by dandylion
TriStrong…..I know that it must have been like walking on broken glass to get through the day.....Even so, you were strong enough to do it...and, you can give yourself credit for that.
I can assure you that it WILL get easier, as time goes on....
Just as we are wired to hurt when relationships end....we are wired to HEAL....
The sun will come out again and you will laugh again.....
I can assure you that it WILL get easier, as time goes on....
Just as we are wired to hurt when relationships end....we are wired to HEAL....
The sun will come out again and you will laugh again.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
My XAF was the kind of person who never complained about anything. Sometimes I did things I knew he didn’t dike just to test if he was actually ok with everything or he was hiding feelings. So for the longest time I didn’t think he cared and every time he apologized for things he did he was taking accountability for his dunk actions.
well turns out he has a good memory too, cuz the day he broke up he brought up every detail about me that he didn’t like.... even thing that I sometimes asked him if he was ok with or wanted me to do differently. I was shocked. And of course blamed me for everything.
I have spent the past two months thinking I was really the reason why he was drinking A LOT. But I’ve been thinking a lot and remembering times when I saw him drinking, or leaving the bedroom in the middle of the night to drink etc etc. He was drinking way before me!!!! And I’m just now realizing that. Every day something makes more sense now that I’m out of the fog.
I miss him so much, and yet I wonder why. I wasn’t happy at all. I was addicted to feeling awful and he gave me the feeling I was comfortable with.
From your previous post I remember you were going to Al-anon, keep going. Is working for me, I hope for you too. And like you said one minute at a time you will make it.
Wishing you the bes!
well turns out he has a good memory too, cuz the day he broke up he brought up every detail about me that he didn’t like.... even thing that I sometimes asked him if he was ok with or wanted me to do differently. I was shocked. And of course blamed me for everything.
I have spent the past two months thinking I was really the reason why he was drinking A LOT. But I’ve been thinking a lot and remembering times when I saw him drinking, or leaving the bedroom in the middle of the night to drink etc etc. He was drinking way before me!!!! And I’m just now realizing that. Every day something makes more sense now that I’m out of the fog.
I miss him so much, and yet I wonder why. I wasn’t happy at all. I was addicted to feeling awful and he gave me the feeling I was comfortable with.
From your previous post I remember you were going to Al-anon, keep going. Is working for me, I hope for you too. And like you said one minute at a time you will make it.
Wishing you the bes!
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Moving house is just a horrible job. And its worse when its under the cloud of a breakup. Packing and unpacking is the worst. That's part of what is holding me back.
And then after a few days, you get curious about how the light comes in through the windows, you notice any trees on you street, the noises become familiar and you see your life start to take shape again.
Good for you for grabbing onto your future.
And then after a few days, you get curious about how the light comes in through the windows, you notice any trees on you street, the noises become familiar and you see your life start to take shape again.
Good for you for grabbing onto your future.
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Thanks, Wombaticus. I love my little neighborhood, with a trail and the bay nearby. Every time I walk the dog, I'm thrilled with where I live. It's just such a big change--I stood in the grocery store and hesitated about what to buy because I've never bought food for just me and not having to worry about anyone else before. And it was cheaper, LOL.
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