Can anyone give me some advice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
Can anyone give me some advice?
Here's the short version of my story:
I've recently reconnected with someone from my past. I thought that we were going to enter into a relationship, but after several months of talking, they told me that they're in recovery and cannot pursue a relationship for a certain period of time.
I'm so confused as I feel they led me on.
Any advice is much appreciated.
I've recently reconnected with someone from my past. I thought that we were going to enter into a relationship, but after several months of talking, they told me that they're in recovery and cannot pursue a relationship for a certain period of time.
I'm so confused as I feel they led me on.
Any advice is much appreciated.
It's possible they led you on, or maybe they are protecting their recovery.
In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.
A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.
I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.
A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.
I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
It's possible they led you on, or maybe they are protecting their recovery.
In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.
A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.
I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.
A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.
I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
Well he was honest in telling you that he is in recovery and actually didn't want you to know.
Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.
The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.
It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.
The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?
Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.
The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.
It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.
The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?
Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
Krystalm…...it l ooks like you would like to be in a romantic relationship.....and, he has belatedly told you that he is not ready to be in a relationship, of that nature. Believe Him. Be grateful that he did, finally put the cards on the table. Relationships started early recovery, notoriously crash and burn. that is why those in early recovery are suggested not to begin new relationships.
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…
I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…
I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
Better he be honest with you now than drag things out longer.
It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.
He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.
If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.
He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.
If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
Well he was honest in telling you that he is in recovery and actually didn't want you to know.
Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.
The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.
It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.
The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?
Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.
The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.
It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.
The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?
Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
Yes he is generally honest and reliable and when he says he will do something, he does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
Krystalm…...it l ooks like you would like to be in a romantic relationship.....and, he has belatedly told you that he is not ready to be in a relationship, of that nature. Believe Him. Be grateful that he did, finally put the cards on the table. Relationships started early recovery, notoriously crash and burn. that is why those in early recovery are suggested not to begin new relationships.
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…
I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…
I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
He did say though that I was basically his best and only real friend. Is that a lie? Should I just leave him to deal with his sponsor/counselor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
Better he be honest with you now than drag things out longer.
It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.
He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.
If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.
He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.
If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
This kind of sounds like a lack of communication.
Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.
All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.
That could be part of it.
The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?
You can't know though if you don't ask him.
Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.
All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.
That could be part of it.
The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?
You can't know though if you don't ask him.
Leading someone to believe he was ready for a romance...
"he thinks we’re meant to be together"..."I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him."
...and after YOU travel to be with him, he suddenly says, "I have my sobriety to work on," he owes you an apology. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it, but...yeah. He should have never agreed to have you travel to see him without clarifying you two were on the same page.
I would guess he's lonely. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do, too. But it's important to be clear about what one is seeking, so the other person can say yes he or she wants the same thing, or no, but this is what I have to offer.
"he thinks we’re meant to be together"..."I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him."
...and after YOU travel to be with him, he suddenly says, "I have my sobriety to work on," he owes you an apology. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it, but...yeah. He should have never agreed to have you travel to see him without clarifying you two were on the same page.
I would guess he's lonely. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do, too. But it's important to be clear about what one is seeking, so the other person can say yes he or she wants the same thing, or no, but this is what I have to offer.
Krystaim…...I imagine that he feels an attraction for you and that he felt comfortable in sharing with you and talking to you over the internet.....and, I will bet that he felt that telling you the reality of his alcoholism might "scare" you away......and, he might realize that he has not, thus far, had a good relationship history.....
With all these possibilities, and knowing that his sobriety would be at risk by entering a relationship commitment.....I can imagine that his back was, with your physical arrival, have his "back against the wall".....and, had no other honorable choice but to "come completely clean"...…
I really do understand your disappointment....it seems natural, to me, that you would be....
Personally, thinking back to my own single woman and dating life....there were some really nice, good and attractive guys that I (we) enjoyed being with--and I DID have all of the good romantic connection, with.....except,,,,except with a capital E....there would be one major factor...either with my life or his...that it didn't work out for us...so, we, mutually abandoned the romantic relationship...... In fact, sometimes, it was just a timing thing...like, we were in different "stages" in our lives....or, a myriad of different factors...
Such is life....Relationships, in the dating world, are not risk free. Everyone that we are attracted to will not work out....and, it can sting when it doesn't.
Perhaps, it does work out for some who married the first person that they ever dated......but, there are pleanty of them that it didn't work out for, either....
With all these possibilities, and knowing that his sobriety would be at risk by entering a relationship commitment.....I can imagine that his back was, with your physical arrival, have his "back against the wall".....and, had no other honorable choice but to "come completely clean"...…
I really do understand your disappointment....it seems natural, to me, that you would be....
Personally, thinking back to my own single woman and dating life....there were some really nice, good and attractive guys that I (we) enjoyed being with--and I DID have all of the good romantic connection, with.....except,,,,except with a capital E....there would be one major factor...either with my life or his...that it didn't work out for us...so, we, mutually abandoned the romantic relationship...... In fact, sometimes, it was just a timing thing...like, we were in different "stages" in our lives....or, a myriad of different factors...
Such is life....Relationships, in the dating world, are not risk free. Everyone that we are attracted to will not work out....and, it can sting when it doesn't.
Perhaps, it does work out for some who married the first person that they ever dated......but, there are pleanty of them that it didn't work out for, either....
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
If a person wants to be with you, they will be with you. He has told you and shown you what he wants and who is is. Believe him.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi krystalm3,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. How are you doing today?
Beyond online support, there's been many very good things I've gained from in-person meetings.
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery and domestic abuse recovery centers can provide information in new ways.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. How are you doing today?
Beyond online support, there's been many very good things I've gained from in-person meetings.
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery and domestic abuse recovery centers can provide information in new ways.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 16
This kind of sounds like a lack of communication.
Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.
All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.
That could be part of it.
The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?
You can't know though if you don't ask him.
Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.
All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.
That could be part of it.
The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?
You can't know though if you don't ask him.
I mean, face to face is always ideal, but I don't live around the corner anymore...
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