Can anyone give me some advice?

Old 10-27-2019, 04:26 PM
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Can anyone give me some advice?

Here's the short version of my story:
I've recently reconnected with someone from my past. I thought that we were going to enter into a relationship, but after several months of talking, they told me that they're in recovery and cannot pursue a relationship for a certain period of time.

I'm so confused as I feel they led me on.
Any advice is much appreciated.
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Old 10-27-2019, 04:30 PM
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It's possible they led you on, or maybe they are protecting their recovery.

In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.

A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.

I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
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Old 10-27-2019, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
It's possible they led you on, or maybe they are protecting their recovery.

In many circles it's suggested (it's not a rule, just a suggestion) that a person doesn't make ANY big decisions in the first year. This includes things like moving and quitting jobs and yes, entering in to new relationships.

A person in recovery has to focus on that recovery, it is (and should be) the most important thing in their lives. Mixing themselves up in a brand new relationship may not be a wise decision early on, since it takes away from their focus and new relationships can be a bit rocky.

I would say - give him space and lots of it. In fact perhaps ending the contact for now would be advisable? Do you think that is something that would work for you?
Where the confusion lies is where he’s said very flirty things even that he thinks we’re meant to be together. I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him. He told me about his recovery a few days in to my stay and that in truth he didn’t want me to find out. While I was visiting, he said that he wanted to hook up with me but that he can’t as part of his recovery. He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet. I feel like he needs a friend, but that maybe I’m a distraction for him? I would have no problem giving him space in hopes that he gets healthy again.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:00 PM
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If he's being quiet with you now....yes, I'd give him a lot of space.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:15 PM
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Just so I'm clear, when you went to visit him, is this the first time you had met in person?
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Just so I'm clear, when you went to visit him, is this the first time you had met in person?
No, we used to hang out and I've known him for 15 years.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:54 PM
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Well he was honest in telling you that he is in recovery and actually didn't want you to know.

Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.

The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.

It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.

The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?

Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
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Old 10-27-2019, 07:34 PM
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Krystalm…...it l ooks like you would like to be in a romantic relationship.....and, he has belatedly told you that he is not ready to be in a relationship, of that nature. Believe Him. Be grateful that he did, finally put the cards on the table. Relationships started early recovery, notoriously crash and burn. that is why those in early recovery are suggested not to begin new relationships.
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…

I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
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Old 10-27-2019, 08:09 PM
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Better he be honest with you now than drag things out longer.

It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.

He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.

If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Well he was honest in telling you that he is in recovery and actually didn't want you to know.

Kind of honesty a bit late, but maybe he didn't feel you were at a point (previous to your visit) where he needed to share that with you, which is his choice, of course.

The flirting and whatnot might have seemed very harmless to him long distance but became a bit more real when you visited and perhaps he realized he's not ready for a relationship.

It's kind of impossible to say? You know him best. Is he generally honest and reliable. When he says he is going to do something, does he do it? Actions, not words.

The distance now may be him realizing this has gone too far for him to be comfortable with?

Again, guessing based on what you have shared.
I understand that it was his choice, however over the past several months he kept saying how I was his best friend and that he could tell me anything. I feel he should have disclosed this to me before if he truly felt that way about me.

Yes he is generally honest and reliable and when he says he will do something, he does.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Krystalm…...it l ooks like you would like to be in a romantic relationship.....and, he has belatedly told you that he is not ready to be in a relationship, of that nature. Believe Him. Be grateful that he did, finally put the cards on the table. Relationships started early recovery, notoriously crash and burn. that is why those in early recovery are suggested not to begin new relationships.
Just because you knew him for 15yrs. and used to "hang out" doesn't ensure anything, once the relationship becomes romantic. Who Knew?
Because, once the relationship enters the romantic state...it is like a brand new relationship. the dynamics change...
If relationships weren't a "fit" in the beginning....they seldom are a fit, at a later time.
Even people who were married and divorced...and, tried the marriage, years later...thinking it would work....statistically, have an extremely poor track record.
Plus, adding alcoholism on top of it all.....
I think it would be in your own best interest to start dating other men.
He doesn't NEED a friend....as he can find friends, elsewhere, who don't want a relationship or have a crush on him. Right now, he need his recovery community to lean on....AA members, sponsor, counselor, etc.
You can't "help him get better".... one cannot play "therapist" to someone that they are romantically attracted to....it becomes an uneven playing field....
and, if/when the relationship dissolves...you will end up feeling used....and, sad, and disappointed.....
It seems to be a truism, that, when romantic desire enters a relationship, by one of the members, and not the other...a platonic friendship is not possible.
The only time that seems to work is if each person goes on with their own lives and develop healthy relationships...and, then, MAYBE, there is enough to have a platonic relationship.....but, it is still more uncommon than common...…

I say these things with such confidence from a lifetime of my own experiences and observation of more others than I can count.....
It seemed to me that he also wanted a romantic relationship as it was more than just being flirty, such as making plans for our future. But I do understand and appreciate your insight. I know that I can’t help him get better and don’t want to play the role of therapist
He did say though that I was basically his best and only real friend. Is that a lie? Should I just leave him to deal with his sponsor/counselor?
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Better he be honest with you now than drag things out longer.

It's easy to carry on internet flirtation and *hint* at romance, or even profess love, from a distance. Once you were there reality hit him square in the face. It sounds like he has bigger issues to deal with, and he knows it. Now.

He would text all the time, but after coming home and me now knowing about his situation, it’s been pretty quiet.

If I had spent weeks wooing someone and asked him to come a long way to see me then said, in effect, "oh, never mind" I'd be mortified.
I never thought that he might be mortified. I was the one embarrassed after making a move and him saying that he can’t do that with me right now as for once he’s trying to listen to what his counselor has advised him to do so that he can heal.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:32 PM
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This kind of sounds like a lack of communication.

Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.

All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.

That could be part of it.

The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?

You can't know though if you don't ask him.
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Old 10-28-2019, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by krystalm3 View Post
I never thought that he might be mortified.
Leading someone to believe he was ready for a romance...

"he thinks we’re meant to be together"..."I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him."

...and after YOU travel to be with him, he suddenly says, "I have my sobriety to work on," he owes you an apology. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it, but...yeah. He should have never agreed to have you travel to see him without clarifying you two were on the same page.

I would guess he's lonely. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do, too. But it's important to be clear about what one is seeking, so the other person can say yes he or she wants the same thing, or no, but this is what I have to offer.
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Old 10-28-2019, 05:28 PM
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Krystaim…...I imagine that he feels an attraction for you and that he felt comfortable in sharing with you and talking to you over the internet.....and, I will bet that he felt that telling you the reality of his alcoholism might "scare" you away......and, he might realize that he has not, thus far, had a good relationship history.....
With all these possibilities, and knowing that his sobriety would be at risk by entering a relationship commitment.....I can imagine that his back was, with your physical arrival, have his "back against the wall".....and, had no other honorable choice but to "come completely clean"...…

I really do understand your disappointment....it seems natural, to me, that you would be....

Personally, thinking back to my own single woman and dating life....there were some really nice, good and attractive guys that I (we) enjoyed being with--and I DID have all of the good romantic connection, with.....except,,,,except with a capital E....there would be one major factor...either with my life or his...that it didn't work out for us...so, we, mutually abandoned the romantic relationship...... In fact, sometimes, it was just a timing thing...like, we were in different "stages" in our lives....or, a myriad of different factors...
Such is life....Relationships, in the dating world, are not risk free. Everyone that we are attracted to will not work out....and, it can sting when it doesn't.
Perhaps, it does work out for some who married the first person that they ever dated......but, there are pleanty of them that it didn't work out for, either....
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Old 10-28-2019, 11:45 PM
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Originally Posted by krystalm3 View Post
I understand that it was his choice, however over the past several months he kept saying how I was his best friend and that he could tell me anything. I feel he should have disclosed this to me before if he truly felt that way about me.
If he is in early recovery he probably didn't understand his own feelings, let alone yours.

If a person wants to be with you, they will be with you. He has told you and shown you what he wants and who is is. Believe him.
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Old 10-29-2019, 09:01 AM
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did he specifically invite you out for a visit?
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Old 10-29-2019, 11:47 AM
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Hi krystalm3,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. How are you doing today?

Beyond online support, there's been many very good things I've gained from in-person meetings.

Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery and domestic abuse recovery centers can provide information in new ways.
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Old 10-29-2019, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
This kind of sounds like a lack of communication.

Also, people who are in active addiction and people just coming out of addiction (attempting sobriety/addiction) can be in a really precarious place. I hope you will read around the site, including the newcomers to recovery forum and kind of get a glimpse of that.

All that is to say, attempting recovery from addiction is a huge big deal and he may have no idea what he wants right now.

That could be part of it.

The second part, the communication, he may well be attracted to you and when you were coming to visit, all bets were off, he had to tell you about his recovery plans because he does not want to be in an actual relationship right now. When you were somewhere else, that wasn't an issue. It's not exactly the best approach, for sure, in my opinion, but perhaps he thought telling you face to face was good timing? Was this visit planned for a long time? Maybe he thought you wouldn't be visiting so soon and he wanted to see how things would go?

You can't know though if you don't ask him.
We reconnected, made plans, and about after 3 months, I traveled to see him.
I mean, face to face is always ideal, but I don't live around the corner anymore...
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Old 10-29-2019, 06:56 PM
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This sounds very disappointing for you Krystal and I'm truly sorry.
Give him LOTS of space and time and you can maybe re-visit the idea of a relationship in several months.
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