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Anyone deal with this? If so, how? (Fomo/Social)

Old 10-26-2019, 10:46 PM
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Anyone deal with this? If so, how? (Fomo/Social)

Hi all...

End of last year until just after the middle of this I had ~10 months. Then I thought I could "drink normally", which ended up in stops and starts of 3-4 day, 1-2 week, 2 day heavy benders. I'm always the one drinking once everyone has stopped.

I caught myself in a free fall after ~1.5 months of that, and now I have 3 months again.

Overall I would say I like sober life a lot better. But as I'm sure many of you have experienced - the big gap in my life is the social and dating aspect which I miss a lot.

Anyway here's the question, "does anyone deal with this", and it's kind of a series of things:

- When friends are going out or having parties, I really want to go but I refuse because I can't drink
- So I don't go, even though I want to and then I have major "fear of missing out" when I know or see them having fun and I'm sitting on the side lines
- This is when I say "maybe I should just drink again", it'll be fine
- When I think about just going and hanging sober, or even when i do (which I do from time to time)... it's just not the same. I feel strange, not fun, self conscious...

So all in all - its a vicious cycle of thought. I want to go out and hang, but don't because I can't drink, and then because I don't I feel the trigger to drink, and then I get even more aggravated with myself because when I eventually do go and don't drink I feel like an outkast, strange, and it's just not fun.

So it leads to feeling lost on the social side of things.

And because I'm relatively young, I feel like i'm missing out on parts of life that are once in a life time - aka can't go back and do them because of all of this.

My bigger goals in life are much better without drinking: financial, business, health, peace of mind - but this is a big issue internally..

Anyway that's really i t- wondering if anyone dealt with or deals with something similar.

Thanks!
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Old 10-26-2019, 11:21 PM
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when you say you tried to "drink like a normal person" (who are these normal people and what do they drink like!!!!! FS!!!!) what did you try to do differently?

Did you use any HARM REDUCTION techniques or did you just jump back into the rough waters believing you could now swim despite no swimming lessons?

Did you use any apps and become very mindful of your blood alcohol level at all times?

Personally I probably wouldn't be sailing through sober October if it weren't for the HARM REDUCTION techniques which broke the cycle of binges.

I feel a similar way as you with regard to social life / relationships and alcohol and would say that I broke several fairly long spells of alcohol free time because of that reason. If somebody had of suggested HARM REDUCTION techniques to me it would have ended binges and reduced their impact sooner.

My plan going forward with regards to the social aspect? Create a fun and interesting social life without alcohol NOW and then we will see later if I wish to abstain or not. Friday night I went to the local theatre (comedy) and last night to a concert. No alcohol although it did cross my mind, but i am locked into a commitment of HARD RESTART with myself in order to TRANSCEND my own circumstances.

With regard to dating etc my frame of mind is ; build a happy single life first up to the point where I have to ask myself..."damn, where would i honestly fit someone into my life??" The contrast between that energy and the energy of "needing" someone is a world apart (and it comes across in the sub communications)
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Old 10-27-2019, 12:22 AM
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Hi GI 7

I often say my recovery had two parts - one was stopping drinking and the other was learning to be happy in a sober life I loved.

Its hard to look at the life we led and imagine that a a non drinker - which is why I had to change things. Some of my mates had to go, and a lot of the things I used to do to pass for fun had to go.

Thankfully the longer I stayed sober the more I changed and I realised I wanted different things from life that mos of my hard drinking mates.

It sounds momentous when I say things like change everything but new sober me needed a different kind of life and a different kind of fun and I don;t regret making the change for a minute.

Life, literally, has never been better

I'm not sure how young you are but that voice that says you'll never have fun anymore or meet that special someone without drinking is full of it.

I only wish I'd been secure enough in myself to know that in my 20s.

D
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Old 10-27-2019, 12:24 AM
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Did you use any HARM REDUCTION techniques or did you just jump back into the rough waters believing you could now swim despite no swimming lessons?

Did you use any apps and become very mindful of your blood alcohol level at all times?

Personally I probably wouldn't be sailing through sober October if it weren't for the HARM REDUCTION techniques which broke the cycle of binges.

I feel a similar way as you with regard to social life / relationships and alcohol and would say that I broke several fairly long spells of alcohol free time because of that reason. If somebody had of suggested HARM REDUCTION techniques to me it would have ended binges and reduced their impact sooner.
I've seen you use this term lately.

Harm reduction usually means kind of 'drinking safely' which is a complete oxymoron to me - but it doesn't sound like you're using the term in that way?

I'm not sure what harm reduction techniques are in this sense Epictetus?
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Old 10-27-2019, 02:49 AM
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Though sober, you equate "fun" with drinking. No wonder you struggle. You have to change that mindset.
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Old 10-27-2019, 04:22 AM
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Look fam im gonna keep it real. They aint nothing you cant do cause you cant drink. Hear yourself? What you mean cause you can't? Sure you can its a choice fam. Once you decide that you golden fam. Real talk. Trinity my friend body.mind spirit. Love yourself. Stay sober your joy will spread then next thing you know you are chillin with a mate thats on same page as you feel me.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:02 AM
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I took a machete to my social life when I quit drinking. Y'all who know me on here know that I often say something like "no one who isn't trying to live their own best lives, alcoholic or not, and no actively abusing drinkers, get a seat at my table."

It has proven invaluable - and, truly, as Dee said, I've learned a life without "all that" and it is better in every way.

And, I'd ask if you work a program or might be willing? AA teaches us that we will be "happy, joyous and free" by living the steps; it also talks about being able to go anywhere and do anything with any people - but assessing if we have a real need to, for personal or business etc. Early on and truthfully thru my first 2 yrs which I considered early sobriety, I always used the "no is a complete sentence" axiom, and took to heart literally and emotionally the idea that there is absolutely no event or outing or [ ] worth going to if I had the slightest inkling it was bad for me. When I did start going to more things, I had a plan to stay and leave that was focused on sobriety, which evolved into recovery and choice of everything in my life.

Sounds extreme to some, but I was DONE drinking and my life was at stake. Everyone has different approaches to this but I've not heard anyone "glad" they kept doing and being with big drinkers, long term and on the regular.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:31 AM
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Thanks for all the responses guys, very helpful in getting my mindset right!

This morning not thinking like that at all... it comes in short waves and that’s when I came here.

And just so I’m clear I am 3 months sober again, didn’t just come off the 1.5 month “off and on bender”.

Feel great this morning as opposed to like crap.

As most posts here say I do need to rework “fun” mentally and actually.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:41 AM
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I've been learning to socialise sober over the last two years. Most people don't expect me to drink now and my relapses have been an intensely private affair.

One thing I would say is it starts to get easier but I agree with August. The difference for me this time is that everything social has to support my recovery. No white knuckling at parties, no listening to stupid suggestions from well-meaning friends and no accepting 'friendships' that don't rest on an authentic and meaningful sober connection.

I find that I tend to rule out evening just now. Coffees and lunches are working best. I don't always feel like it and sometimes I am uncomfortable but I recognise the danger for me in being isolated, it's important to remain connection.

Why don't you think about how to socialise in a different way, with people you feel safe with?

The mindset thing is also hugely important - drinking for us isn't fun and wont be again but being sober can be. You just have to keep working at it and figuring it out.
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Old 10-27-2019, 05:41 AM
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I always used the "no is a complete sentence" axiom, and took to heart literally and emotionally the idea that there is absolutely no event or outing or [ ] worth going to if I had the slightest inkling it was bad for me. When I did start going to more things, I had a plan to stay and leave that was focused on sobriety, which evolved into recovery and choice of everything in my life.


SAME
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Old 10-27-2019, 06:02 AM
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After I got sober, I found being around heavy drinkers wasn't fun. They seemed immature and shallow. But when I was drunk, they seemed brilliant and funny. Then probably like you, the next night I would call one of them from a bar to come join me, but would end up being told they had something else they had to do? Like you, I was the one left drinking after everyone else had quit. I was feeling like the outcast again. This was also true on a larger scale in my life. My old college buddies were doing grown up things most of the time, and I was still getting drunk. It was for me anyway. It was for me anyway.

You feel like an outcast when you aren't drinking, and you feel like an outcast when you are. If you are an alcoholic, your default state is being drunk, so feeling like the outcast when you are sober is your excuse to drink. On the other hand, feeling like an outcast when you are drunk has no desirable solution, because it would involve not drinking to fit in, and that is way out of your comfort zone.

The bottom line is that your bigger issue is that you are an alcoholic, not that you are an outcast. In fact, I would argue that the whole outcast issue is just a bunch of baloney you use to get drunk.
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Old 10-27-2019, 06:13 AM
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Loving these posts y'all.

And GreatInquiry- I didn't overtly say it but I do get what you are experiencing and it is so common for anyone in some way! I just went to my solution, as we are taught to seek in AA. And the 3 mo ish phase, the subsequent phases that "hit" (as in, 10ish was great and 13 too....2yr mark was angst filled...) bring good and bad in our feelings and inclinations, as I experience it.

You already know that we gotta keep going, and I hear you saying that this time you want to do what you can not to give into ideas like trying moderation, and telling us what struggles you see in your life. Which is awesome to recognize AND share.
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Old 10-27-2019, 06:57 AM
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First, kudos to you for getting sober when you are young. I was 45 when I finally got sober for good, I’d had periods of sobriety prior to that, but found myself returning to alcohol. I truly wish I had stopped when I was in my 20s.

Since I was older I wasn’t in the social/party circle as much, a great deal of my drinking took place at home in my pajamas. However, I did still meet friends, and I changed the circumstances for those meetings. I made plans to get together to go for s walk hike, or take s class. If you like to exercise there are lots of walking, running, hiking clubs that might be s good way to meet some new people. I did not make an announcement to everyone that I had stopped drinking, but I did share with close friends and family as the situation arose. My good friends completely understood and supported, and so did most of my family. If there were people that made negative comments or tried to push alcohol I distanced myself from them. I did skip some get together, and family outings when I first got sober, because I didn’t want to be in a situation with alcohol. As time has passed I can be at family parties, or holidays without the temptation to drink, though as the night goes on I find myself aggravated with some who’ve been drinking all day, I’m sure in the past I was the person causing that aggravation.

You will find your new normal, I promise. I am really proud of you for recognizing this problem when you’re young, and also really excited for the amazing opportunities you’re going to have in life because of your sobriety.

❤️ Delilah
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Old 10-27-2019, 06:07 PM
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Getting sober YOUNG is the hardest thing I think to do...because of everything that you mentioned.

However, life drinking is "harder"...the hangovers, the possibilities of dUIs or jail...missing work...making an ass out of yourself....All your friends that are drinking are probably questioning their drinking and some probably wish they could stop.

You could end up being a role model...you have to like feeling sober better than you like feeling drunk...nothing to do with what others do or say....its all internal...you can have fun without drinking....This may sound odd or far fetched but you truly could find out some things you do are more FUN because you are sober.

When I first got sober I loved being the designated driver....and I loved goofing on people that were wasted and I loved I was not going to be feeling like they were in the morning nor was I going to be dealing with the problems they will deal with as a result of their drinking...some have big problems...some have little...but very rarely does anyone with a drinking issue..have NO problems...from it.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:22 AM
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Just a word about missing out on all the fun when you're sober; I was in my late teens or early 20s, working out in the woods for the Forest Service. I had recently started drinking, and in spite of the massive 3 day hangovers I got back then, I thought drinking was still great fun. So I'm having this conversation with this big muscled working guy in a sweaty shirt, with a chainsaw in one hand and an axe in the other. He seemed like one of those guys that would be living it up at a bar after work, and probably be leaving with the best looking woman in the place. I mentioned drinking, but it's too long ago to remember the context of what I said, but I never forgot his response. He explained that he thought drinking was "nothing but a way to **** your paycheck down the toilet." And he followed that with some words of advice, which I can't remember.

So much for judging a book by it's cover.

While this had little effect on my drinking at the time (it continued to get worse over the years), I couldn't help but feel a deep respect for this guy. Missing out on the fun is a relative perception. I certainly didn't feel he thought he was missing out on anything, and the "good life" for him revolved around something other than drinking. I have no idea what it was, but I recognized a determination and contentment in a guy that seemed like he could have anything he wanted just for the asking.

He was a few years older than me, and we never became friends. I have no idea what happened to him. It was just a brief encounter with almost a stranger that I never forgot. It was at a time when I was just beginning to plan my own future. While I didn't bother to incorporate his advice into my life, it stuck with me.
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Old 10-28-2019, 02:52 AM
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It's a tricky one. I too have had periods of not drinking (3-4 months) and then started again.

It depends on the behaviour of your friends. I don't have any friends who are big drinkers and so in my periods of not drinking I still had fun with them and being with them didn't expose me to any problem. In fact my social life was more enjoyable as there were no hangovers, no guilt about what I might have said and no lost phones/visa cards etc.

What happened was that I then got cocky and thought that I could handle just two drinks and then stop. I'd have the two drinks with friends and after we'd said goodbye I'd go to a bar on my own and continue drinking. I'm at the stage where I've been fully aware of my problem for years and I've accepted that it's a massive problem, but I still haven't fully taken the action to sort it out. That final part has been a work in progress for the last couple of years. Each time gets better, but I haven't resolved the problem....yet!

If the foundation of some of your friendships is drinking then I think that definitely has to be reviewed and changed.

Happy start to the week everybody!
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Old 10-28-2019, 04:21 AM
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It was only a few years ago that I actually thought some of my friends drank too much and I hoped I didn't end up like them! But what's happened is they continue to get very drunk every so often and that's all, they are sober in-between those times. I'm a nurse and have worked in the most acute emergency settings, and for some reason going out and getting plastered when we get the chance to all get together is what we did. I still see my lovely friends giving shout outs for the next 'liquid lunch' on Facebook and I do miss them, as they are the kindest most hilarious people to be with.
However this is a choice to save my life. They all go home and nurse a hangover and carry on with their lives but it would be a completely different story for me. And as for dating I don't do that anymore either for the same reason.
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Old 10-28-2019, 06:41 AM
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DriGuy said:

Missing out on the fun is a relative perception.

This is true. I was much 51 when I got sober, but I was still trying to act like a youngster when I drank - sowing some wild oats after a divorce, I called it. Going to bars, hanging out with people much younger than I was, feeling flattered when younger men hit on me, etc. Truth is, I had always had a tendency to drink alcoholically, this was just one of those times in my life when I was single and using it as an excuse to drink more than usual. I thought I was having so much fun. I was terrified of giving that up when I realized I was going to have to. I really thought I'd never have any more fun. I figured my social life was over, that I'd just become a lonely little old lady, hoping my kids and grandkids would come visit me. It was like a grieving process, almost.

But after a while, looking back, I began to realize how sad and pathetic that life actually was. Sure, there were fun evenings, it wasn't all drunken messiness, but on the whole, looking at the big picture, it was not a fun life AT ALL. The negatives were FAR outweighing any "fun."

Now, I socialize differently. I can still meet up with friends (not all of the same ones as before, for sure, but a few) and hang out with them while they have some drinks. I drink my iced tea or club soda. We have real conversations, until they start becoming impaired. Then I go home. I have my own activities I can do to make my life richer and fun that do not involve drinking. My fun is different now, and it's much better.
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Old 10-28-2019, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
But after a while, looking back, I began to realize how sad and pathetic that life actually was. Sure, there were fun evenings, it wasn't all drunken messiness, but on the whole, looking at the big picture, it was not a fun life AT ALL. The negatives were FAR outweighing any "fun."
I got divorced around the same age as you, although it was much longer ago. I started hitting the bars to have a social life, and my drinking got worse in a hurry. I wasn't like the guy that was out crying in his beer over his failed marriage. My ex and I were in total agreement over the divorce, and it was the smoothest most amicable divorce anyone could imagine.

The bar scene lasted for two years and then entered a death spiral from which I escaped, and 30 some years of drinking just ended abruptly. I'm trying to remember fun things in those two years, but I can't really. Like you, the whole thing was more pathetic than fun, and I think I was semi aware of it at the time too. There were moments that weren't a total loss, kind of like the best that happened would be something that wasn't too bad. Looking back at it now, I believe it was worse than I thought, and I get this mental shiver when I think about staying in that mode. Yeah, calling parts of it not too bad is much too rosy of a description, but that's all relative to my current state of mind.

The last 6 months were beyond pathetic. It was more like insanity. I could have been a leading character in one of those depressing Russian novels, and most of the crazy stuff in my mind was happening in the wee hours of the morning at home by myself. I had gone from seeking out company at bars to a frightening isolation. I'm happy that no one was around to see that part. I went to AA in a state of despair and quit that night. A month later, the insanity was but a dim memory, as I was being swept away on the pink cloud. And 6 months later, I was settled into my new normal.

Yuk, that was depressing, well mostly depressing, Thanks a bunch. LOL
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Old 10-29-2019, 10:13 AM
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Good luck!

My 'new normal' keeps expanding. Embracing new actions, positive healthy thoughts and open to what I don't know helps greatly in moving forward.

I'm not alcoholic, yet I am in Recovery from alcoholism in the family (it tends to affect everyone in many ways) and FOO trauma.

Gratitude lists, meditation and prayer tend to open up new opportunities on a regular basis.

https://youtu.be/dau9VQLP7IY

Xavier Rudd, Storm Boy
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