Birthday on my own
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 67
Birthday on my own
It’s my birthday today, and the loneliness is crushing my soul. I’m 41, I don’t feel like a grown up and I’m lucky enough that I don’t even look it. I’m 10 months sober but all is wrong in my head.
I spend the majority of time on my own, I live alone, I work at home alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I watch tv alone, I go for walks alone, in the summer I’ll play golf alone, I’ve been on holiday alone.
In some ways I don’t mind. I’m naturally quite introverted. Drink and drugs changed that of course, it worked well for years, it often does.
I have spent a few hours with some friends this evening, one of which is one of my oldest friends and is also a sober alcoholic. We had dinner and then went to a party, but I felt out of place and quickly left. Back to the loneliness. But I feel lonely even when I’m with people. My family live far away and we’re civil rather than close, apart from my sister but she has a family of her own.
I’m currently sitting in a pub, I’m in no danger of drinking, there are a few pubs near my house where I feel absolutely fine, and drinking ended up with me nearly dead 10 months ago, and the purgatory hell that came before it. I wouldn’t go back to that.
But I wanted to be around people at least to hear chatter where no one would bother me.
I have a new hell that I’m trapped in. And the main part of that is loneliness and the inability to do anything to fix it. I find it difficult to meet new people or make that sort of getting to know you small talk, this has always been me. I’m fine once I get to know people.
I’m trapped in a place where I don’t want to live doing a worthless occupation. Nonetheless I make reasonable money, more than I would make in employment and I’m completely unemployable anyway - I’m 41 (today) and have never done a conventional job.
Although I could afford to move and try something else with a good few months as a cushion, what would that be? I have no idea and am too scared to try. What happens if things don’t work out? I’m safe where I am, it’s government housing, so it’s cheap and secure - no way could I afford to live in the city I do, in the location I do. If I give that up then what happens? But then I don’t want to live here either. There’s nothing for me here, I’m bored of it if anything. Sounds silly cos people would love to live here and the tourists flock in their droves all summer.
Whilst I don’t at all miss drinking - there is something I miss - what it certainly did at these points of life was cause such irretrievable chaos that I was FORCED to start again somewhere - the decision was made for me and I always fell on my feet and made the most of what happened next, until the next time.
But remove the drink and that mix of devil may care and no choice is gone and all that’s left is a shy, scared boy who’s birth certificate says 41 by mistake.
I’m trapped lost lonely - yet I really am grateful for lots of things - wow it could and has been worse.
My birthday rant is over
I spend the majority of time on my own, I live alone, I work at home alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I watch tv alone, I go for walks alone, in the summer I’ll play golf alone, I’ve been on holiday alone.
In some ways I don’t mind. I’m naturally quite introverted. Drink and drugs changed that of course, it worked well for years, it often does.
I have spent a few hours with some friends this evening, one of which is one of my oldest friends and is also a sober alcoholic. We had dinner and then went to a party, but I felt out of place and quickly left. Back to the loneliness. But I feel lonely even when I’m with people. My family live far away and we’re civil rather than close, apart from my sister but she has a family of her own.
I’m currently sitting in a pub, I’m in no danger of drinking, there are a few pubs near my house where I feel absolutely fine, and drinking ended up with me nearly dead 10 months ago, and the purgatory hell that came before it. I wouldn’t go back to that.
But I wanted to be around people at least to hear chatter where no one would bother me.
I have a new hell that I’m trapped in. And the main part of that is loneliness and the inability to do anything to fix it. I find it difficult to meet new people or make that sort of getting to know you small talk, this has always been me. I’m fine once I get to know people.
I’m trapped in a place where I don’t want to live doing a worthless occupation. Nonetheless I make reasonable money, more than I would make in employment and I’m completely unemployable anyway - I’m 41 (today) and have never done a conventional job.
Although I could afford to move and try something else with a good few months as a cushion, what would that be? I have no idea and am too scared to try. What happens if things don’t work out? I’m safe where I am, it’s government housing, so it’s cheap and secure - no way could I afford to live in the city I do, in the location I do. If I give that up then what happens? But then I don’t want to live here either. There’s nothing for me here, I’m bored of it if anything. Sounds silly cos people would love to live here and the tourists flock in their droves all summer.
Whilst I don’t at all miss drinking - there is something I miss - what it certainly did at these points of life was cause such irretrievable chaos that I was FORCED to start again somewhere - the decision was made for me and I always fell on my feet and made the most of what happened next, until the next time.
But remove the drink and that mix of devil may care and no choice is gone and all that’s left is a shy, scared boy who’s birth certificate says 41 by mistake.
I’m trapped lost lonely - yet I really am grateful for lots of things - wow it could and has been worse.
My birthday rant is over
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
Happy Birthday!! I actually just posted a topic of how I feel profoundly lonely at around your same point in sobriety. Not sure what the answer is, but you’re not alone in the way you feel. I can really relate. It’s hard to feel the emotions we probably drowned out previously. I feel alone even when around others right now oddly enough. I spend too much time alone too partly because I’m limited to certain driving hours after a dui, but more so because I’m lacking motivation and feel sad. Glad your posting, that’s a step in the right direction since keeping it bottled up makes things worse. My sponsor recommends gratitude lists like having a house, health, etc. I hope the feeling will eventually pass for us both.
Last edited by LostLilly; 10-26-2019 at 04:13 PM. Reason: Forgot sometjing
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Happy birthday.
I've spent many alone with a bottle, or out getting raving drunk. But always drink.
I'm so sorry you feel alone. I live alone and do many things alone, too. It doesn't bother me hardly at all. I enjoy my own sober company.
You went out tonight so that's something.
I hope you can find things to occupy you or make some new sober friends.
In my experience, we're as alone as we want to be.
Best to you on your birthday.
I've spent many alone with a bottle, or out getting raving drunk. But always drink.
I'm so sorry you feel alone. I live alone and do many things alone, too. It doesn't bother me hardly at all. I enjoy my own sober company.
You went out tonight so that's something.
I hope you can find things to occupy you or make some new sober friends.
In my experience, we're as alone as we want to be.
Best to you on your birthday.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Happy Birthday and congrats on 10 months sober! 
You might consider volunteer work in your area. It's a good way to give to your community and also make new friends. 
I live alone too, but I rarely feel lonely. That's likely due to my dog and 3 cats. They are all the company I need.
Anyway, as my dad used to say: When you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
You might consider volunteer work in your area. It's a good way to give to your community and also make new friends. I live alone too, but I rarely feel lonely. That's likely due to my dog and 3 cats.
They are all the company I need. Anyway, as my dad used to say: When you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
FA-I get the loneliness. I forced myself to be around humans. Volunteering- it was so hard...but it helped. Over time- I find being around humans mostly bearable. Meetings is for socializing, even just people watching while sitting at a coffee shop is better for me than isolating. I also go to lots of libraries- for doco's on DVD, book sales, art- again just enough contact to make a diff. I also felt so lonely as I was in the grip of prolonged sadness- which meant my lifelong major depression had flared up. Even feeling better I see my GP every 3w, and am on a carefully managed antidepressant. Exercise, water, journal writing,. reading, doing art, driving to loud music, being in nature.....adequate sleep, good food and again water. A psychologist was good to learn CBT. You can change and all of the above make just enough diff for me to function, heal and even grow.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Happy Birthday! I'm not an alcoholic but I know what you mean. I have also been in a position where I had to "get out there". At the time it seemed ridiculous to consider, I'm not really an introvert, but I really like alone time, I need it, like a lot of it.
So what did I do. I joined Meetup. If that sounds way out of your comfort zone, it was for me too.
So I'm going to go out and talk to people that I've never met before in some place I've never been. Well yeah! So I did, it was nerve wracking but you know, it wasn't that bad. I signed up for this group that goes out a lot to live music events - dancing and yes there is drinking but many don't drink. The room filled up, people started talking to me, they like to see a new face and I did that for months, eventually you meet others that aren't even part of the group events etc - you get the idea.
If you live in a fairly large area there are so many meetups to try - hiking, kayaking, board games, coffee, salsa dancing, pretty much anything you can think of. It's a good way to try new things too.
So anyway, just a suggestion, I don't know what your interests are and maybe you don't yet either, but trying a few things can help steer you in that direction perhaps.
Oh and if you want to engage people in conversation, ask them about themselves. Small talk doesn't have to be small. Oh so you lived in London, what were you doing there? What was that like, kind of scary or are you one of those people that just fits in anywhere?
So whereas small talk can be considered - oh so where did you work in London? (which is not a bad conversation starter), it's much more interesting (I think) to actually get to know the person.
Ok, rambled long enough!
So what did I do. I joined Meetup. If that sounds way out of your comfort zone, it was for me too.
So I'm going to go out and talk to people that I've never met before in some place I've never been. Well yeah! So I did, it was nerve wracking but you know, it wasn't that bad. I signed up for this group that goes out a lot to live music events - dancing and yes there is drinking but many don't drink. The room filled up, people started talking to me, they like to see a new face and I did that for months, eventually you meet others that aren't even part of the group events etc - you get the idea.
If you live in a fairly large area there are so many meetups to try - hiking, kayaking, board games, coffee, salsa dancing, pretty much anything you can think of. It's a good way to try new things too.
So anyway, just a suggestion, I don't know what your interests are and maybe you don't yet either, but trying a few things can help steer you in that direction perhaps.
Oh and if you want to engage people in conversation, ask them about themselves. Small talk doesn't have to be small. Oh so you lived in London, what were you doing there? What was that like, kind of scary or are you one of those people that just fits in anywhere?
So whereas small talk can be considered - oh so where did you work in London? (which is not a bad conversation starter), it's much more interesting (I think) to actually get to know the person.
Ok, rambled long enough!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Happy Birthday FlyAgain
The good news is you can absolutely change all those things, to whatever extent you feel comfortable with
It will take a little time and probably a little effort but you can build a sober life you love.
By the end of my drinking, all my social circle were drinkers like me - but I had old friends who didn't drink like that, as well as family.
I focused on the not drinking part first, then slowly started to build up my 'sober muscles' by going to things I liked doing with people I trusted but could be sure there was a good chance of no alcohol being there - cafes, walks, museums - then I moved on to slighty more tricky situations with unfamiliar people involved - sports hobbies, volunteering...\
Now I can go anywhere and do anything and know I want to remain sober no matter what - and my social life is exactly as busy as I want it to be
I hope you do something nice for yourself on your birthday - and I hope by this time next year everything will be exactly how you want it to be
D
I spend the majority of time on my own, I live alone, I work at home alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I watch tv alone, I go for walks alone, in the summer I’ll play golf alone, I’ve been on holiday alone.
It will take a little time and probably a little effort but you can build a sober life you love.
By the end of my drinking, all my social circle were drinkers like me - but I had old friends who didn't drink like that, as well as family.
I focused on the not drinking part first, then slowly started to build up my 'sober muscles' by going to things I liked doing with people I trusted but could be sure there was a good chance of no alcohol being there - cafes, walks, museums - then I moved on to slighty more tricky situations with unfamiliar people involved - sports hobbies, volunteering...\
Now I can go anywhere and do anything and know I want to remain sober no matter what - and my social life is exactly as busy as I want it to be
I hope you do something nice for yourself on your birthday - and I hope by this time next year everything will be exactly how you want it to be
D
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Aside from the being lonely at the moment, it sounds as though your life is pretty settled with a place to live & employment and all. You’ve already received a bunch of good suggestions. My suggestion is to try some of them. If you were to up and move you’d likely be at a disadvantage housing & job wise plus you’d still be alone. Well done on your sober time and Happy Birthday .
.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Ah Fly, birthdays are hard - they get me every year. It's a lot of change when we quit drinking too. Old life gone and new life not yet fully constructed. I have been feeling lonely lately too. Maybe that is just a sign that we are getting okay and becoming ready to make some changes?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 42
Have you thought about travelling a bit? If you work from home, you can technically work from anywhere, no? You should look into "digital nomadism", where people of all ages travel all around the world, renting out AirBnBs or staying in hotels or hostels and working out of cafes or wherever. I actually did it for about eight months (I've since migrated into a more permanent office role) and I had a blast. I'm a loner type too, but I met some great people along the way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
It literally sounds like you just wrote the story of my last three months in sobriety. Isolation, even more so than when I was drinking. But I’m going to ride it out. Like you said, drinking almost killed or incarcerated me permanently. But you are not alone, and I’m 43 btw.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,407
Thanks for sharing. I think many will relate to your post at some point or other during early sobriety. In my experience seeing a GP can be good to check you’re not suffering from clinical depression and also the spiritual side of recovery can really help with the feeling of loneliness. AA is also great as an easy option to get out and meet others regularly with a shared purpose. You can then make friends this way too and meet outside of meetings.
My experience is that drinking will only exacerbate the loneliness whereas sobriety will give you the opportunity to heal and create a life full of joy and contentment. 10 months is great but still early in recovery and also feeling emotions and sitting with them is part of the healing process; not being able to quickly medicate them with booze.
Stay sober, immerse yourself in recovery, talk to a dr if needed, and everything will continue to improve in my experience.
My experience is that drinking will only exacerbate the loneliness whereas sobriety will give you the opportunity to heal and create a life full of joy and contentment. 10 months is great but still early in recovery and also feeling emotions and sitting with them is part of the healing process; not being able to quickly medicate them with booze.
Stay sober, immerse yourself in recovery, talk to a dr if needed, and everything will continue to improve in my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,057
Hi FlyAgain
I am older than you and only got sober 11 months ago. I was lonely drinking and I am lonely sober, in that aspect nothing has changed.
Loneliness is so painful. I don't think everyone understands the depth of the pain it can cause. Sometimes I just look out of my window and watch my neighbours coming and going just to see some life. I try and imagine what it would be like to be them, with families and friends coming and going. I can go days and days without speaking to anyone and I have no one to call in a crisis. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
In prison total isolation is used as a punishment for bad behaviour. Some of us suffer enforced isolation through no fault of our own.
I am just trying to say I know how you feel.
I hope your Birthday has been bearable.
I am older than you and only got sober 11 months ago. I was lonely drinking and I am lonely sober, in that aspect nothing has changed.
Loneliness is so painful. I don't think everyone understands the depth of the pain it can cause. Sometimes I just look out of my window and watch my neighbours coming and going just to see some life. I try and imagine what it would be like to be them, with families and friends coming and going. I can go days and days without speaking to anyone and I have no one to call in a crisis. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
In prison total isolation is used as a punishment for bad behaviour. Some of us suffer enforced isolation through no fault of our own.
I am just trying to say I know how you feel.
I hope your Birthday has been bearable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 67
Hi and thanks for your replies - I do try and talk to people I know but they often don’t understand, i don’t just mean about alcoholism either.
a lot of things suggested some of which I already do, certainly the people watching at coffee shops!
Yes this is something that I could do and think about a lot - actually have done lots of research - and just this evening was going through whether I could make it work financially. I could. but then I get stuck. I could cover my expenses mostly by getting away for the winter, but part of me says that I will just be coming back to the same problems. I would still have a flat that needs re furnishing etc and maybe I should stick it out and do that. Then I think - well in 10 years am I going to look back and say to myself “I’m really glad I stayed and decorated that winter”. In 6 months will I think “I really wish i hadn’t gone away and had saved the money”
this is is all because I don’t seem to trust any of my decisions. Even in this 10 months of sobriety I’ve made some shocking impulsive and costly mistakes. I’m scared of making more.
the most costly mistake was returning to drinking. I easily forgave myself for everything that came before my first sober period - I hadn’t known any better or any different. It’s harder to forgive the 2 year period when I went back, and it was far more damaging than the decades that came before
a lot of things suggested some of which I already do, certainly the people watching at coffee shops!
Originally Posted by Joe787 
Have you thought about travelling a bit? If you work from home, you can technically work from anywhere, no? You should look into "digital nomadism", where people of all ages travel all around the world, renting out AirBnBs or staying in hotels or hostels and working out of cafes or wherever. I actually did it for about eight months (I've since migrated into a more permanent office role) and I had a blast. I'm a loner type too, but I met some great people along the way.
this is is all because I don’t seem to trust any of my decisions. Even in this 10 months of sobriety I’ve made some shocking impulsive and costly mistakes. I’m scared of making more.
the most costly mistake was returning to drinking. I easily forgave myself for everything that came before my first sober period - I hadn’t known any better or any different. It’s harder to forgive the 2 year period when I went back, and it was far more damaging than the decades that came before
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