New Frames for Thinking Not Drinking
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 18
New Frames for Thinking Not Drinking
I’m on day 11 after a two week try at moderation that left me depressed and struggling in nearly every aspect of my life. I’ve been setting my mornings and evenings up for success by reading SR or other sites. I found these frames for my thoughts helpful and wanted to share:
Q: Why can’t I drink like everyone else?
A: Alcohol is like an allergy for me. Some people can’t have peanuts or eggs etc. or they will get sick, same for me with the booze.
Q: Why can’t I just unwind every once in a while with a drink?
A: Replace alcohol with bleach, antifreeze etc. in that sentence, because it is a poison that in the end doesn’t give anything back to me. My body has to rid itself of that poison before working on, you know, keeping me alive and healthy. Real relaxation should give me something back: time/memories with friends and family, a good workout, a trip to the salon, etc.
Q: Why can’t I drink like everyone else?
A: Alcohol is like an allergy for me. Some people can’t have peanuts or eggs etc. or they will get sick, same for me with the booze.
Q: Why can’t I just unwind every once in a while with a drink?
A: Replace alcohol with bleach, antifreeze etc. in that sentence, because it is a poison that in the end doesn’t give anything back to me. My body has to rid itself of that poison before working on, you know, keeping me alive and healthy. Real relaxation should give me something back: time/memories with friends and family, a good workout, a trip to the salon, etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 18
Thanks, D. I’m focused on getting through the calendar year on a day by day basis hoping that I see the New Year with significant time under my belt. I read the advice for Newcomers thread and it was really helpful. I think the final step is really telling people, but I’m just not ready. I’ve told my friends that I’m working on getting fit and not drinking for now. I’m sure this is a cop out strategy, but it’s what I’ve got for now.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,164
I think both of those questions ask the same thing, "Why am I different?" The allergy comparison is quite common, and as a metaphor (or is it a simile), it somewhat answers the question by pointing out that people are different. But it's an old term that has it's origins way back in the early 20th century when people regularly died from infections and other diseases.
These days, there seems to be a slide toward referring to alcoholism as "alcohol abuse disorder." It's more specific and perhaps helps with medical diagnosis, because it separates abusers from casual users. Although it still leaves open the question, "How do you separate users from abusers?" Where is the line that is crossed? Even in the 21st Century, our knowledge of alcoholism and its cures is sketchy, and least compared to other disorders.
For some reason, your post brought to mind a card game from my youth that probably everyone has played, Old Maid, where the object of the game is to pick cards unseen from opponents hands without picking the old maid. If you picked the old maid you would hope to get rid of it from your hand so that at the end of the game, when there were no more cards to play, you didn't end up with the old maid.
Now I was really young, but for some reason I hated losing that game. Later I understood the concept of losing other games, but it wasn't a big deal. Other games focused on winning,and of course there were losers, but I didn't mind. In Old Maid, the only object of the game seemed to be not losing. The attention was all given to the loser, sitting there in abject failure with the old maid in his hand, and it was made worse by the fact that everyone else thought it was funny.
Alcoholism reminds me of that. How did you end up with the old maid? Why were you the loser? You didn't want the old maid, but you got it. You lost. Alcoholism is the card you got. There was no skill in it. Picking unseen cards was just luck, and you lost.
The cure for alcoholism is like Old Maid too, but if you lose, you lose for good. there is no chance to play again and win. The only way to avoid losing again is to quit playing the game. In your case, it's worse than losing at Old Maid, because you can never again win now that you lost one game.
It's a crummy game, but we didn't make the rules. However, we don't have to play.
These days, there seems to be a slide toward referring to alcoholism as "alcohol abuse disorder." It's more specific and perhaps helps with medical diagnosis, because it separates abusers from casual users. Although it still leaves open the question, "How do you separate users from abusers?" Where is the line that is crossed? Even in the 21st Century, our knowledge of alcoholism and its cures is sketchy, and least compared to other disorders.
For some reason, your post brought to mind a card game from my youth that probably everyone has played, Old Maid, where the object of the game is to pick cards unseen from opponents hands without picking the old maid. If you picked the old maid you would hope to get rid of it from your hand so that at the end of the game, when there were no more cards to play, you didn't end up with the old maid.
Now I was really young, but for some reason I hated losing that game. Later I understood the concept of losing other games, but it wasn't a big deal. Other games focused on winning,and of course there were losers, but I didn't mind. In Old Maid, the only object of the game seemed to be not losing. The attention was all given to the loser, sitting there in abject failure with the old maid in his hand, and it was made worse by the fact that everyone else thought it was funny.
Alcoholism reminds me of that. How did you end up with the old maid? Why were you the loser? You didn't want the old maid, but you got it. You lost. Alcoholism is the card you got. There was no skill in it. Picking unseen cards was just luck, and you lost.
The cure for alcoholism is like Old Maid too, but if you lose, you lose for good. there is no chance to play again and win. The only way to avoid losing again is to quit playing the game. In your case, it's worse than losing at Old Maid, because you can never again win now that you lost one game.
It's a crummy game, but we didn't make the rules. However, we don't have to play.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by Melsbells 
I’m on day 11 after a two week try at moderation that left me depressed and struggling in nearly every aspect of my life. I’ve been setting my mornings and evenings up for success by reading SR or other sites. I found these frames for my thoughts helpful and wanted to share:
Q: Why can’t I drink like everyone else?
A: Alcohol is like an allergy for me. Some people can’t have peanuts or eggs etc. or they will get sick, same for me with the booze.
Q: Why can’t I just unwind every once in a while with a drink?
A: Replace alcohol with bleach, antifreeze etc. in that sentence, because it is a poison that in the end doesn’t give anything back to me. My body has to rid itself of that poison before working on, you know, keeping me alive and healthy. Real relaxation should give me something back: time/memories with friends and family, a good workout, a trip to the salon, etc.
Q: Why can’t I drink like everyone else?
A: Alcohol is like an allergy for me. Some people can’t have peanuts or eggs etc. or they will get sick, same for me with the booze.
Q: Why can’t I just unwind every once in a while with a drink?
A: Replace alcohol with bleach, antifreeze etc. in that sentence, because it is a poison that in the end doesn’t give anything back to me. My body has to rid itself of that poison before working on, you know, keeping me alive and healthy. Real relaxation should give me something back: time/memories with friends and family, a good workout, a trip to the salon, etc.
I used to think just like you. I never drank moderately. I always chose to get obliterated just short of vomiting and drooling. Was I in control on the outside? Heck no, but on the inside, I actually felt in better control of my feelings.
I wondered why I enjoyed drinking to excess when others would stop. How could they do this? I once asked a good friend of mine why he didn't drink at all. His response was that it made him feel, "out of control." He did not like the feeling at all. Wow, I thought, I drink to be in control, just the opposite of him! I must have an allergy or disease. I'm powerless and out of control.
Flash forward a few decades, I learned about the psychology of addiction and the many myths of addiction. I learned that addictive behavior is all about self-control and choices and pursuing happiness. I learned that all addictions serve an emotional purpose. I learned that I drank to regain control of my feelings, my emotions. The quick fix or mood changer of drugs and alcohol made me feel temporarily better, more in control, escape the powerless trap of overwhelming, intolerable circumstances in life that I felt, were important to me. When you lack control, you feel helpless. I drank and did drugs to reverse my feelings of, "Helplessness."
It worked, albeit on a temporary basis. I eventually learned that there are other, direct healthy ways to regain control and escape my helpless feeling. I learned to stop catastrophizing my feelings. Accept that life is not always fair, easy and painless and I am not always going to get what I want. I developed new values and purpose in life. I chose to delegate control to God. I’m still the Chief Execute Officer of my life, but now God is my elected Chief Operations Officer. Now I can face my feelings directly or find other high value behaviors (instead of drink/drugs) to empower myself and regain control of how I feel. In other words, I escape the helplessness trap with high value behavior that enable control of my feelings. This is exactly what normal people do. There is no rocket science here. Just the ability to understand ourselves, make our emotions work for us instead of against us. Replace old thinking and behavior with new high value behaviors that empower you, in order to regain control of how we feel.
Guess what, it works. I can have a drink or two now and I don’t want any more! I like myself normal! When I feel tipsy, I feel like I am losing control and want to stop and choose to stop! Obviously, this would not work for everyone. It can be a slippery slope until you truly understand the psychology of addiction and learn to like yourself. It depends on your belief system and what you value and how you regain control of life’s circumstances. “No man is free until he masters himself.” Epictetus.
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"Today we don't have to play" - brilliant!
And Mels, glad you are here. And tho I truly think "AUD" dx/framework would have just been more justification (not that I needed any!) to consider myself "not that bad," whatever makes it click for each of us is the most important thing. Indeed, as said there is just that (large) amount of understanding our disease that we still don't have.
Keep going! I just had back surgery 8 wks ago and honestly, it has been so much easier than my physical process of getting sober. I'd only try one of the two again
And Mels, glad you are here. And tho I truly think "AUD" dx/framework would have just been more justification (not that I needed any!) to consider myself "not that bad," whatever makes it click for each of us is the most important thing. Indeed, as said there is just that (large) amount of understanding our disease that we still don't have.
Keep going! I just had back surgery 8 wks ago and honestly, it has been so much easier than my physical process of getting sober. I'd only try one of the two again
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
And tho I truly think "AUD" dx/framework would have just been more justification (not that I needed any!) to consider myself "not that bad," whatever makes it click for each of us is the most important thing.
I have the same thoughts about moderation. After reading all the failed attempts of others, there is no logical reason for me to think I would find success.
-bora
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Mels - You sound ready. It took me a while, too. Always insisted I could control what I drank using willpower. Never happened once. One drink always led to 10.
It's great to have you back with new resolve. We're with you.
It's great to have you back with new resolve. We're with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
I’ve been practicing new frames also. It was hard for me to except because I drink normally and socially for years. Allergies can occur suddenly though and I believe I had the genetic make up where it was in me when I crossed the line. Good for you for changing the way you think about the situation. I spent a long time thinking how I was able to always limit myself and stay in control and then suddenly would drink and want to continue the next morning. My sponsor tells me to get into the solution rather then pondering how the problem could have possibly come about.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 18
Driguy, thanks for the analogy. That will stick with me. There is no doubt that this is the hand I was played, but to use a card game idiom, “no one gets a stacked deck in life.” Getting the Old Maid might seem unfair, but I’ve got a lot to be thankful for regardless. If. It being able to drink is a challenge, I’ll take it compared to what other people are dealt.
My husband doesn’t really think I have a problem. His father is an old-school Eastern European alcoholic, so my intake seems minor. I also tend to go dry for long stretches which gives the illusion of control; however, I start with a glass or two a night and within a week or two it’s a bottle and then some (I’m a pretty tiny lady). I’ve never dealt with hangovers, which is a blessing and a curse. I want my kids to remember me not smelling like wine or being checked out every evening. I want to be present and intentional not sloshed.
My husband doesn’t really think I have a problem. His father is an old-school Eastern European alcoholic, so my intake seems minor. I also tend to go dry for long stretches which gives the illusion of control; however, I start with a glass or two a night and within a week or two it’s a bottle and then some (I’m a pretty tiny lady). I’ve never dealt with hangovers, which is a blessing and a curse. I want my kids to remember me not smelling like wine or being checked out every evening. I want to be present and intentional not sloshed.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,164
Originally Posted by Melsbells
My husband doesn’t really think I have a problem. His father is an old-school Eastern European alcoholic, so my intake seems minor.
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