Quacking or neglect?
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Join Date: May 2018
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Quacking or neglect?
So EXAH quit giving KID1 a prescribed med. Its not a life threatening med, it just helps him along with things. His paediatrician has given us prescription for it which I've doled out over the two house holds. For some reason EXAH has gone out and bought some other supplement and not only has he been given it to the kids but he didn't tell me until recently and this past week he's been nagging me to also buy it and give to kids.
Naturally I went straight to KID1s paediatrician (he has very regular appointments due to another underlying condition) and they said EXAH'S supplement wouldn't help and to stick to the prescribed supplement-which we have tons of.. Free!
I said this to EXAH when he picked up kids last night.. But this morning he said he was still using his supplement. I said it again...
Is it quacking?? Being a control freak? He's the kinda idiot who'd buy lung support supplements while smoking. If he doesn't know it off I'm going to the lawyers.
Naturally I went straight to KID1s paediatrician (he has very regular appointments due to another underlying condition) and they said EXAH'S supplement wouldn't help and to stick to the prescribed supplement-which we have tons of.. Free!
I said this to EXAH when he picked up kids last night.. But this morning he said he was still using his supplement. I said it again...
Is it quacking?? Being a control freak? He's the kinda idiot who'd buy lung support supplements while smoking. If he doesn't know it off I'm going to the lawyers.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Control freak/oppositional? How old is your child?
We had a similar thing happening at one point. I would just nonchalantly ask DS about it and the document, document, document. Depending on what the issue is it could be useful in court.
It sucks but I don't know if there's a lot you can do. If it's control/opposition trying to talk him into doing it "your" way may have the opposite effect.
We had a similar thing happening at one point. I would just nonchalantly ask DS about it and the document, document, document. Depending on what the issue is it could be useful in court.
It sucks but I don't know if there's a lot you can do. If it's control/opposition trying to talk him into doing it "your" way may have the opposite effect.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I guess it depends on how crucial the supplement is to KID1’s functioning and what would happen if regular use of the supplement is interrupted. Your ex has the kids only one overnight a week, right? How much damage is done if KID1 doesn’t get the supplement on that night?
From the information you’ve provided, it sounds like this falls into the “annoying but not dangerous” category. But I could be wrong.
From the information you’ve provided, it sounds like this falls into the “annoying but not dangerous” category. But I could be wrong.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Sometimes it feels like my XAH wants to be 'in control' over something regarding our child, just so he feels like a more involved/better parent--regardless of whether it's true or not.
Most of the time I'd say to let it go, that you're going to drive yourself bonkers trying to control how he parents, but if it is going to negatively affect your child from a medical perspective--I'd go through your lawyer and get something formal written up requesting him to do as the doctor said.
Most of the time I'd say to let it go, that you're going to drive yourself bonkers trying to control how he parents, but if it is going to negatively affect your child from a medical perspective--I'd go through your lawyer and get something formal written up requesting him to do as the doctor said.
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Join Date: May 2018
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It could negatively affect him. There's been a vast improvement since he's been on it. He's only 4yrs so can't always tell me he needs his supplement. He'd only know when he's become unwell. EXAH has him 3 times pw now so any diversions to treatment could cause issues.
I think it's a control thing too. The only way he can control me is through the kids. Well in his mind anyway.
One wk he sent me a few irrelevant texts bout the kids, the 'look at me caring' texts because he couldn't take kids on designated night. Couple days LATER I had to take KID1 out of school, to ER for fever. Gave EXAH the full details that evening and all I got was 'ok'. Not... 'is he OK, what do I give him when I see him. Ah poor lad. Tell him he's a brave kiddo'....
I'm beginning to think there's a lot more of a mental disorder going on with EXAH clouded by his alcohism and yes he's still drinking.
I think it's a control thing too. The only way he can control me is through the kids. Well in his mind anyway.
One wk he sent me a few irrelevant texts bout the kids, the 'look at me caring' texts because he couldn't take kids on designated night. Couple days LATER I had to take KID1 out of school, to ER for fever. Gave EXAH the full details that evening and all I got was 'ok'. Not... 'is he OK, what do I give him when I see him. Ah poor lad. Tell him he's a brave kiddo'....
I'm beginning to think there's a lot more of a mental disorder going on with EXAH clouded by his alcohism and yes he's still drinking.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I'm beginning to think there's a lot more of a mental disorder going on with EXAH clouded by his alcohism and yes he's still drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Sadly your posts are starting to remind me of Sasha1972's story.
I looked at a few of your earlier posts. It does look similar - wheels are starting to fall off, police starting to become involved, trying to get more access through court without really utilizing parenting time that he already has.
My thoughts:
1. SoberLink SoberLink SoberLink. If he really is not a problem drinker, h should jump at the opportunity to prove that he never drinks around the kids. And if he doesn’t agree (or makes up a million reasons why SoberLink isn’t working) - you have him on record as refusing to take a low-intrusion, set-the-bar-so-low-it’s-on-the-floor step that would enable him to gain more time with his kids.
2. “It’s bait, don’t take it”. My ex kept trying to goad me because he was incapable of cutting off a relationship with me (and without someone to hate, he didn’t know who he was). At first, I would reliably show up at every argument he invited me to. Later I figured out which battles were worth picking. Depending on how important the supplement is to your kid and what the consequences are of the kid not taking it, this may or may not be a worthwhile battle. What your ex really wants is your attention - how much do you want to give it to him?
3. Retain a very calm lawyer. A passionate advocate is not who you want on your side when it comes to dealing with crazy people because they re liable to being sucked into the crazy.
4. It’s a marathon, not a sprint - barring recovery, you could be looking at years of deterioration on his part before he is so absolutely, unquestionably and completely incompetent that he can’t have the kids. Pace yourself financially and emotionally.
5. Something really important a friend with years of social-work experience told me about parenting when the other parent is an addict: the biggest threat to your kids is not to their physical safety, it’s to their relationship with you. Addicts manipulate and triangulate with children much more often than they physically harm children. You-and-me against Mean Mommy is the game they play. You need to be unflappable, loving, firm and consistent, and never let yourself get drawn into competition for your children’s affection. Their biggest asset in defending themselves against the impacts of an addict parent is a stable and trusting relationship with the other parent, and that is exactly what the addict will seek to undermine. It sounds like your kids are younger than mine, which may actually be a good thing, because your ex can’t (yet) leverage the natural teenage rebellion against authority.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
how did you DO that? ?
i do agree, the storyline is sounding very similar.
i do agree, the storyline is sounding very similar.
I never really paid any attention to it until you asked lol - but I know how to use it now so look out everybody. Kidding! or am I??
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
5. Something really important a friend with years of social-work experience told me about parenting when the other parent is an addict: the biggest threat to your kids is not to their physical safety, it’s to their relationship with you. Addicts manipulate and triangulate with children much more often than they physically harm children. You-and-me against Mean Mommy is the game they play. You need to be unflappable, loving, firm and consistent, and never let yourself get drawn into competition for your children’s affection. Their biggest asset in defending themselves against the impacts of an addict parent is a stable and trusting relationship with the other parent, and that is exactly what the addict will seek to undermine. It sounds like your kids are younger than mine, which may actually be a good thing, because your ex can’t (yet) leverage the natural teenage rebellion against authority.
Milano, I'm not sure if you're seeing someone or not, but my therapist has been super helpful navigating being a single mother and co-parenting with a competitive, validation-seeking addict. Sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective.
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[QUOTE=Sasha1972;7296222]If so - oh dear.
I looked at a few of your earlier posts. It does look similar - wheels are starting to fall off, police starting to become involved, trying to get more access through court without really utilizing parenting time that he already has.
My thoughts:
1. SoberLink SoberLink SoberLink. If he really is not a problem drinker, h should jump at the opportunity to prove that he never drinks around the kids. And if he doesn’t agree (or makes up a million reasons why SoberLink isn’t working) - you have him on record as refusing to take a low-intrusion, set-the-bar-so-low-it’s-on-the-floor step that would enable him to gain more time with his kids.
2. “It’s bait, don’t take it”. My ex kept trying to goad me because he was incapable of cutting off a relationship with me (and without someone to hate, he didn’t know who he was). At first, I would reliably show up at every argument he invited me to. Later I figured out which battles were worth picking. Depending on how important the supplement is to your kid and what the consequences are of the kid not taking it, this may or may not be a worthwhile battle. What your ex really wants is your attention - how much do you want to give it to him?
3. Retain a very calm lawyer. A passionate advocate is not who you want on your side when it comes to dealing with crazy people because they re liable to being sucked into the crazy.
4. It’s a marathon, not a sprint - barring recovery, you could be looking at years of deterioration on his part before he is so absolutely, unquestionably and completely incompetent that he can’t have the kids. Pace yourself financially and emotionally.
5. Something really important a friend with years of social-work experience told me about parenting when the other parent is an addict: the biggest threat to your kids is not to their physical safety, it’s to their relationship with you. Addicts manipulate and triangulate with children much more often than they physically harm children. You-and-me against Mean Mommy is the game they play. You need to be unflappable, loving, firm and consistent, and never let yourself get drawn into competition for your children’s affection. Their biggest asset in defending themselves against the impacts of an addict parent is a stable and trusting relationship with the other parent, and that is exactly what the addict will seek to undermine. It sounds like your kids are younger than mine, which may actually be a good thing, because your ex can’t (yet) leverage the natural teenage rebellion against authority.[/QUOTE
Ye, police have been involved for years. He's always been a problem drinker. His pattern is months of sobriety or moderation and then bam.. DUIs, ASBOS, ETC etc. Honestly there are people in gaol who have done less. And that's just the stuff he's done while drunk.
There's no soberlink in Oz. I just have to take his word that he's not drinking when taking kids. I can't call the cops or say no to access unless he shows up plastered at my door.
I document everything. My lawyer is very practical and has seen it all before. This time, cos of the assault cops are aware, social services are aware, schools, ER etc. Everyone knows.. But I'm stuck til he really deteriorates. He has an enabler who is obviously doing a lot of the kid related heavy lifting.
I have a two year plan that I don't want to publicise on here and I'm ready to put it into action. If he breaches.
What's sad about all of this is that I don't realise how bad his behaviour is until I repeat it to other people. It's become my normal..
I looked at a few of your earlier posts. It does look similar - wheels are starting to fall off, police starting to become involved, trying to get more access through court without really utilizing parenting time that he already has.
My thoughts:
1. SoberLink SoberLink SoberLink. If he really is not a problem drinker, h should jump at the opportunity to prove that he never drinks around the kids. And if he doesn’t agree (or makes up a million reasons why SoberLink isn’t working) - you have him on record as refusing to take a low-intrusion, set-the-bar-so-low-it’s-on-the-floor step that would enable him to gain more time with his kids.
2. “It’s bait, don’t take it”. My ex kept trying to goad me because he was incapable of cutting off a relationship with me (and without someone to hate, he didn’t know who he was). At first, I would reliably show up at every argument he invited me to. Later I figured out which battles were worth picking. Depending on how important the supplement is to your kid and what the consequences are of the kid not taking it, this may or may not be a worthwhile battle. What your ex really wants is your attention - how much do you want to give it to him?
3. Retain a very calm lawyer. A passionate advocate is not who you want on your side when it comes to dealing with crazy people because they re liable to being sucked into the crazy.
4. It’s a marathon, not a sprint - barring recovery, you could be looking at years of deterioration on his part before he is so absolutely, unquestionably and completely incompetent that he can’t have the kids. Pace yourself financially and emotionally.
5. Something really important a friend with years of social-work experience told me about parenting when the other parent is an addict: the biggest threat to your kids is not to their physical safety, it’s to their relationship with you. Addicts manipulate and triangulate with children much more often than they physically harm children. You-and-me against Mean Mommy is the game they play. You need to be unflappable, loving, firm and consistent, and never let yourself get drawn into competition for your children’s affection. Their biggest asset in defending themselves against the impacts of an addict parent is a stable and trusting relationship with the other parent, and that is exactly what the addict will seek to undermine. It sounds like your kids are younger than mine, which may actually be a good thing, because your ex can’t (yet) leverage the natural teenage rebellion against authority.[/QUOTE
Ye, police have been involved for years. He's always been a problem drinker. His pattern is months of sobriety or moderation and then bam.. DUIs, ASBOS, ETC etc. Honestly there are people in gaol who have done less. And that's just the stuff he's done while drunk.
There's no soberlink in Oz. I just have to take his word that he's not drinking when taking kids. I can't call the cops or say no to access unless he shows up plastered at my door.
I document everything. My lawyer is very practical and has seen it all before. This time, cos of the assault cops are aware, social services are aware, schools, ER etc. Everyone knows.. But I'm stuck til he really deteriorates. He has an enabler who is obviously doing a lot of the kid related heavy lifting.
I have a two year plan that I don't want to publicise on here and I'm ready to put it into action. If he breaches.
What's sad about all of this is that I don't realise how bad his behaviour is until I repeat it to other people. It's become my normal..
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
Sometimes it feels like my XAH wants to be 'in control' over something regarding our child, just so he feels like a more involved/better parent--regardless of whether it's true or not.
Most of the time I'd say to let it go, that you're going to drive yourself bonkers trying to control how he parents, but if it is going to negatively affect your child from a medical perspective--I'd go through your lawyer and get something formal written up requesting him to do as the doctor said.
Most of the time I'd say to let it go, that you're going to drive yourself bonkers trying to control how he parents, but if it is going to negatively affect your child from a medical perspective--I'd go through your lawyer and get something formal written up requesting him to do as the doctor said.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
That's terrifying to me because my ex husband has already started this somewhat and our son is just about to turn 4. It's so hard to see him caught up in the game of trying to be my son's favorite, his best friend, the best-dad-ever. It's hard to see that and not get caught up in the competition. And as he gets older I can see him turning me into a villain in order to get more validation from our son. I'm glad I have a good therapist who keeps me in check in that regard.
Milano, I'm not sure if you're seeing someone or not, but my therapist has been super helpful navigating being a single mother and co-parenting with a competitive, validation-seeking addict. Sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective.
Milano, I'm not sure if you're seeing someone or not, but my therapist has been super helpful navigating being a single mother and co-parenting with a competitive, validation-seeking addict. Sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective.
Silly is spinning in circles in our home...the contrast is staggering.
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