Thank you!!!
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Thank you!!!
Thank you guys for your support, experience and wisdom. Co dependant No More dropped on my mat at lunch time and my heart is beating wildly. I’ve never read a book that hit me like a sledgehammer! I’m saying wow outloud every 2 minutes. I identify with pretty much everything!!! If you don’t mind I might post on this thread as I go and learn more?
i really feel like I’m making changes. Thank you xxxx
i really feel like I’m making changes. Thank you xxxx
celebration.....I am so glad that you got the book. lOL….this book hits so many people just the way it has for you. that is why it really is a classic.
I first read it many, many years ago.....and, then, after a long time, I read it again....and, got more from it, the second time.....
celebration---of course, post as much as you want!! this is your forum, also....
Every person, "old" and new...has something valuable to offer...…
Along these lines...I can remember an alcoholic....one who had years of recovery under his belt...say that he would, sometimes go to the newcomers AA meetings (rather than his usual step meetings)….because he never wanted to forget what it is like.....he said that the newcomers were just as valuable to him, in a way, as he was to them......
I first read it many, many years ago.....and, then, after a long time, I read it again....and, got more from it, the second time.....
celebration---of course, post as much as you want!! this is your forum, also....
Every person, "old" and new...has something valuable to offer...…
Along these lines...I can remember an alcoholic....one who had years of recovery under his belt...say that he would, sometimes go to the newcomers AA meetings (rather than his usual step meetings)….because he never wanted to forget what it is like.....he said that the newcomers were just as valuable to him, in a way, as he was to them......
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so I’m only up to page 35 and I’m thinking hard about my own definition of co dependency. It’s nothing at all what I believed before digesting these pages. I’d love to hear your own thoughts?
celebration......there are so many ways that co-dependency is defined....but, the one that makes the most sense to me is this----Co-dependency is less about the relationship to others than it is about the lack of relationship with the Self.
I don't actually use the term, itself, very often...because it seems to make so many people defensive or argumentative......I find that they are more open minded if one just talks about the specific behaviors and omits saying the "label".....I, personally, don't mind the word...but, some people feel like it "labels" them.....
Lol....this is just me.....
I don't actually use the term, itself, very often...because it seems to make so many people defensive or argumentative......I find that they are more open minded if one just talks about the specific behaviors and omits saying the "label".....I, personally, don't mind the word...but, some people feel like it "labels" them.....
Lol....this is just me.....
Agreed, I don't tend to use the label either, because maybe it's too narrow a definition and maybe that's not helpful to some people?
You might find that a couple of items that are considered "codependent" really resound with you but the others don't.
I don't think I am codependent, I don't know that ever have been but what I do absolutely know is that when you end up in any kind of strongly dysfunctional relationship, be that alcoholic or other type, some of those things just tend to come to the forefront by the very nature of the relationship (so to say, you may have not exhibited those characteristics prior).
Even Melody Beattie dislikes the term lol But it is commonly used.
My my I am rambling! Maybe Melody is more concise:
"The real root of the word “codependent” and the original definition came from the legal use of the word in contracts and documents. It (codependent) meant that an action was mutually dependent on or influenced by something else – someone or something besides the original factor or persons involved.
Codependent defined certain legal terms in agreements, contracts or decisions.
Then, in the 80’s, when codependency came out as a word used to describe (mostly) dysfunctional relationships, it took on a new meaning for many of us – but not a completely new one.
When making decisions and choices, we all take into consideration various factors: our choice’s impact on people we love, the results of that choice on our (and other people’s lives) and other considerations.
Being “Codependent No More” (or at least “Not as Much”) doesn’t mean we’re crazy. And isn’t cause for embarrassment".
Seems to me, that if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, whether you had signs of "codependency" or not before, it is almost inevitable if you get caught up in the madness that is alcoholism, if you try to become in any way comfortable with that - lifestyle. It's too screwed up not to perhaps. When you are making choices in a relationship that affect you but also the alcoholic, how can it not generate new dysfunction?
You might find that a couple of items that are considered "codependent" really resound with you but the others don't.
I don't think I am codependent, I don't know that ever have been but what I do absolutely know is that when you end up in any kind of strongly dysfunctional relationship, be that alcoholic or other type, some of those things just tend to come to the forefront by the very nature of the relationship (so to say, you may have not exhibited those characteristics prior).
Even Melody Beattie dislikes the term lol But it is commonly used.
My my I am rambling! Maybe Melody is more concise:
"The real root of the word “codependent” and the original definition came from the legal use of the word in contracts and documents. It (codependent) meant that an action was mutually dependent on or influenced by something else – someone or something besides the original factor or persons involved.
Codependent defined certain legal terms in agreements, contracts or decisions.
Then, in the 80’s, when codependency came out as a word used to describe (mostly) dysfunctional relationships, it took on a new meaning for many of us – but not a completely new one.
When making decisions and choices, we all take into consideration various factors: our choice’s impact on people we love, the results of that choice on our (and other people’s lives) and other considerations.
Being “Codependent No More” (or at least “Not as Much”) doesn’t mean we’re crazy. And isn’t cause for embarrassment".
Seems to me, that if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, whether you had signs of "codependency" or not before, it is almost inevitable if you get caught up in the madness that is alcoholism, if you try to become in any way comfortable with that - lifestyle. It's too screwed up not to perhaps. When you are making choices in a relationship that affect you but also the alcoholic, how can it not generate new dysfunction?
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I think I’m seeing it as an “umbrella” term. I definitely see myself in much of the initial stories she speaks of. I think the biggest revelation to me is that other people have felt/ feel just as I do/ did! My “crazy” really isn’t crazy. I think I was a pretty well adjusted person pushed to the limit. Im left with wounds and behaviours that require work! Certainly allowing myself to look forward and not dwell on what “should” have been is a priority I think.
I 100% agree with your take on the word "codependent" or "codependency".
It's just one neat tidy little word that encompasses a whole lot of feelings and behaviors. If every time I talked about how I was feeling and/or behaving when dealing with my AXH it would to take pages and pages to describe it all... "codependent" just kind of wraps it all up in one word.
Personally, I don't mind the word, even as a label. I was codependent. Ranting and ragingly so. I own that. But I do understand why other people don't care for the term. I didn't like it at first either. Like you, I didn't understand what it really meant. I didn't like being told I had a problem... "I didn't have a problem he had a problem!!!.. his problem is my only problem!!! He was the one with a dependency, not me!!!".... I was very wrong about that, I very much had a very big problem. For lack of a better word, I refer to that problem I had as "codependency".
This board and "Codependent No More" changed my life and saved my sanity. I will forever be beyond grateful for both! I am so glad you are having the same experience!
I look forward to reading what you have to say as you read and digest your new book.
It's just one neat tidy little word that encompasses a whole lot of feelings and behaviors. If every time I talked about how I was feeling and/or behaving when dealing with my AXH it would to take pages and pages to describe it all... "codependent" just kind of wraps it all up in one word.
Personally, I don't mind the word, even as a label. I was codependent. Ranting and ragingly so. I own that. But I do understand why other people don't care for the term. I didn't like it at first either. Like you, I didn't understand what it really meant. I didn't like being told I had a problem... "I didn't have a problem he had a problem!!!.. his problem is my only problem!!! He was the one with a dependency, not me!!!".... I was very wrong about that, I very much had a very big problem. For lack of a better word, I refer to that problem I had as "codependency".
This board and "Codependent No More" changed my life and saved my sanity. I will forever be beyond grateful for both! I am so glad you are having the same experience!
I look forward to reading what you have to say as you read and digest your new book.
We talk a lot here about detaching, about ensuring that people don't get caught up in trying to manage a person's alcoholism and/or recovery and this is one of the key reasons why.
I think not dwelling or putting any weight on what "should" have been is really very important as you mentioned. But it can be hard! That's where support and talking it out and reading and Al-Anon can be so helpful for anyone.
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