10 months on....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
10 months on....
I'm 10 months on from my breakup. It sure is a roller coaster of emotions. Whilst I know it is best, healthier for me, actually the only option other than insanity... it's a struggle!
I've had no contact for months now and the "wondering" is eating away at me.
Is he having a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with?
How many times has he drank?
Is he happy?
Does he miss me?
I don't know specifically where he lives as he bought a flash new house. The old me would have found out where and done "drive bys".
The old me would have contacted him.
The old me quite possibly would have gone back to him..
So maybe I'm doing ok?
I constantly try to refocus when my mind wanders.
The other thing is that I'm dreaming about him most nights. In my dreams he's moved on and is happy. Torture!!!
I've had no contact for months now and the "wondering" is eating away at me.
Is he having a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with?
How many times has he drank?
Is he happy?
Does he miss me?
I don't know specifically where he lives as he bought a flash new house. The old me would have found out where and done "drive bys".
The old me would have contacted him.
The old me quite possibly would have gone back to him..
So maybe I'm doing ok?
I constantly try to refocus when my mind wanders.
The other thing is that I'm dreaming about him most nights. In my dreams he's moved on and is happy. Torture!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi celebration, welcome back.
First have you been attending Al-Anon at all? Have you read Codependent no more? Do you read here regularly even though you haven't posted lately?
The reason I ask is because your healing, separating, detaching from that relationship and from him might take a little more effort that what you are used to in a break-up, or even if it is your first break-up.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a rollercoaster ride and usually has some pretty good moments and lots of horrible ones.
You mentioned in your last thread that you miss what you had hoped it would be. Sounds like perhaps that is where you still are?
A really good exercise is to write a list of every terrible thing he ever did, every nasty thing he ever said to you and maybe add all the reasons why you knew you couldn't be in a relationship with him (because of what you want and need).
Carry that list with you at all times and when you start ruminating about him, pull it out and read it. Just trying to redirect your mind doesn't always work, you have to actually deal with those thoughts.
It's easy to romanticize after a while. No one's mind, generally, dredges up all the horrible behaviour, more likely to bring up the nice dinner you had ONCE.
He didn't change overnight, I'm going to guess he is the same guy he was 10 months ago. See even there, you are putting a really positive spin on his life, he left you and now he's not drinking and he's seeing that other woman and his life is all great! Does that seem realistic?
First have you been attending Al-Anon at all? Have you read Codependent no more? Do you read here regularly even though you haven't posted lately?
The reason I ask is because your healing, separating, detaching from that relationship and from him might take a little more effort that what you are used to in a break-up, or even if it is your first break-up.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a rollercoaster ride and usually has some pretty good moments and lots of horrible ones.
You mentioned in your last thread that you miss what you had hoped it would be. Sounds like perhaps that is where you still are?
A really good exercise is to write a list of every terrible thing he ever did, every nasty thing he ever said to you and maybe add all the reasons why you knew you couldn't be in a relationship with him (because of what you want and need).
Carry that list with you at all times and when you start ruminating about him, pull it out and read it. Just trying to redirect your mind doesn't always work, you have to actually deal with those thoughts.
It's easy to romanticize after a while. No one's mind, generally, dredges up all the horrible behaviour, more likely to bring up the nice dinner you had ONCE.
He didn't change overnight, I'm going to guess he is the same guy he was 10 months ago. See even there, you are putting a really positive spin on his life, he left you and now he's not drinking and he's seeing that other woman and his life is all great! Does that seem realistic?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Celebration123
So sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I know so well, what you are experiencing and it sucks. I don't know the answer, but at LEAST you have physically removed yourself...that is something to be proud of. Of course you will miss someone, high priced therapists would be lining up for food stamps if that emotion didn't exist for a reason. Don't beat yourself up...do the work you think needs to be done, whatever that is.
The list that trailmix recommends is a good one. I am starting to use mine now and it does help the edge off those idealized notions of the alcoholic. Post often, your post helped me today...just know I am feeling it too. Not alone...
So sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I know so well, what you are experiencing and it sucks. I don't know the answer, but at LEAST you have physically removed yourself...that is something to be proud of. Of course you will miss someone, high priced therapists would be lining up for food stamps if that emotion didn't exist for a reason. Don't beat yourself up...do the work you think needs to be done, whatever that is.
The list that trailmix recommends is a good one. I am starting to use mine now and it does help the edge off those idealized notions of the alcoholic. Post often, your post helped me today...just know I am feeling it too. Not alone...
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Hey, I know your pain. But it will get better. I'm only a couple months further along. EXAH replaced me very quickly. He never sobered just did what was required (on paper) to get access to kids. He's already been kicked out by my replacement, but they're back together again. Their ping pong relationship just demonstrates that he's not living happily ever after. My eldest has become really distressed at handovers - he should be well settled.. Not happily ever after. He's still drinking! This is a man with multiple DUIs, Asbos, blackouts. Lost his wife, being a full time dad etc. This is not happy ever after. It's a disease. I think we're still in such a state of denial ourselves that we believe it's US who ended marriage etc. That the EXAH must be happy... They haven't changed.
I asked my lawyer.. She's had yeeeeeaaars dealing with these types. She said they don't sober up. It's a rarity to her and family courts when they do.
Your ex will have many replacements, enablers, a support group to enforce his illusion. Look out for yourself. One of my lifelong dreams is weeks from becoming a reality. Weeks.. I took back my power and my dreams when I escaped EXAH.
Be kind to yourself.
I asked my lawyer.. She's had yeeeeeaaars dealing with these types. She said they don't sober up. It's a rarity to her and family courts when they do.
Your ex will have many replacements, enablers, a support group to enforce his illusion. Look out for yourself. One of my lifelong dreams is weeks from becoming a reality. Weeks.. I took back my power and my dreams when I escaped EXAH.
Be kind to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thank you! I wrote a list quite a few months ago to jolt me back to reality- all the disappointments, missed occasions, the drink driving, the mind games, the deceit... oh goodness the list is long. I do look at it.
I did go to al anon when we were together and learned a lot. I can't help but feel that analysing it all and talking stops me moving on, does this make any sense?
I did go to al anon when we were together and learned a lot. I can't help but feel that analysing it all and talking stops me moving on, does this make any sense?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, I totally get what you mean.
You're not wrong about that. I think generally, if a break up isn't overly traumatic or out of the blue or has a lot of drama etc attached to it, it is possible to move on without over analyzing, ruminating, or really much grieving.
In some cases you might have already done some of the detaching and grieving before the relationship even ends.
That's not the case here.
From the moment you two broke up, you said you had to force yourself to leave. He cheated on you and gave you an STI! He sounds just horrible but interestingly you mentioned your family loved him. So the guy can put on a good front. You already know this, but you also know it's just a front, that's not him, that's the act/mask he puts on for the world.
What he is, is an alcoholic that drinks to excess, lies, cheats and treated you horribly.
That's where cognitive dissonance can come in. Your mind holds two versions of him. Good guy/bad guy. But he is only 1 guy and probably mostly bad and most of the other was a front, based on what you said about him.
So, mind's do not like having illogical things like that. Is he the good guy or the bad guy? Why doesn't any of that compute. Because to you, I'm guessing here, he is two guys?
Until such time as you really accept he is one guy and that the bad far outweighs any good that there might have been, it will just keep going round and round in your head.
That's why you should keep going to Al-Anon, read Codependent no more and post here. You need the support to work through it, other perspectives are good in times like this.
If it helps, many struggle with this after leaving an abusive or dysfunctional relationship. I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal.
You're not wrong about that. I think generally, if a break up isn't overly traumatic or out of the blue or has a lot of drama etc attached to it, it is possible to move on without over analyzing, ruminating, or really much grieving.
In some cases you might have already done some of the detaching and grieving before the relationship even ends.
That's not the case here.
From the moment you two broke up, you said you had to force yourself to leave. He cheated on you and gave you an STI! He sounds just horrible but interestingly you mentioned your family loved him. So the guy can put on a good front. You already know this, but you also know it's just a front, that's not him, that's the act/mask he puts on for the world.
What he is, is an alcoholic that drinks to excess, lies, cheats and treated you horribly.
That's where cognitive dissonance can come in. Your mind holds two versions of him. Good guy/bad guy. But he is only 1 guy and probably mostly bad and most of the other was a front, based on what you said about him.
So, mind's do not like having illogical things like that. Is he the good guy or the bad guy? Why doesn't any of that compute. Because to you, I'm guessing here, he is two guys?
Until such time as you really accept he is one guy and that the bad far outweighs any good that there might have been, it will just keep going round and round in your head.
That's why you should keep going to Al-Anon, read Codependent no more and post here. You need the support to work through it, other perspectives are good in times like this.
If it helps, many struggle with this after leaving an abusive or dysfunctional relationship. I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
That makes so much sense. I think I do see him as 2 people. I've ordered that book! It comes tomorrow and I will absorb it!
People who haven't experienced life with an addict really cannot understand. My family and friends think I should be over it by now. They compare their own breakups and heartaches and I just say nothing now. It's too difficult to explain to them!
Where do you begin? I had no clue at all before the chaos engulfed me.
People who haven't experienced life with an addict really cannot understand. My family and friends think I should be over it by now. They compare their own breakups and heartaches and I just say nothing now. It's too difficult to explain to them!
Where do you begin? I had no clue at all before the chaos engulfed me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
There are a few things that helped me. Number one was talking it out with someone who understood. If that person hadn't understood, it would be what you are encountering with the - get over it - gang. It's not their fault btw, until you have been through it it's really hard to understand.
I think many people at Al-Anon will understand.
When you get caught up in the chaos of being in a relationship with someone who has a mental imbalance, be that alcoholism, or even a personality disorder - that is not under any control, it will make you whacky too! For a number of reasons.
But focusing on cognitive dissonance. Yes, talking it out. When you read your list, don't read it as a separate thing to just get you fired up or to try to use it to stop your rumination. Use it as a tool to reconcile the "good". For instance, wow, he used to always take me to that restaurant for special occasions, it was kind of our place and he always ordered the champagne. Ok and what did he want in return? There is always a pay off. To get you off his back? To prove what a "nice guy" he is, to tell his friends or have you tell yours/your family.
You were together for 8 years and he never told people at work? How odd is that, that's odd. Did he ever try to make you jealous? If he did, did he make up some unbelievable stories and present them as just, oh something that happened whether that was someone flirting with him or whatever.
Anyway, I'm just throwing this stuff out here, I don't know what applies to your relationship with him but I bet if you start thinking about it, if you take out that list and start with something simple, like the restaurant scenario above, you can find something on that list that discounts it.
Like you would go there as a "special occasion" or he would tack one on, but only when he's been on a binge, never just for your birthday or anniversary of the day you met.
Hope that makes sense. That's how you start to meld the two. He isn't "good" and "bad", you will find (possibly) that many of the things were all about him.
I think many people at Al-Anon will understand.
When you get caught up in the chaos of being in a relationship with someone who has a mental imbalance, be that alcoholism, or even a personality disorder - that is not under any control, it will make you whacky too! For a number of reasons.
But focusing on cognitive dissonance. Yes, talking it out. When you read your list, don't read it as a separate thing to just get you fired up or to try to use it to stop your rumination. Use it as a tool to reconcile the "good". For instance, wow, he used to always take me to that restaurant for special occasions, it was kind of our place and he always ordered the champagne. Ok and what did he want in return? There is always a pay off. To get you off his back? To prove what a "nice guy" he is, to tell his friends or have you tell yours/your family.
You were together for 8 years and he never told people at work? How odd is that, that's odd. Did he ever try to make you jealous? If he did, did he make up some unbelievable stories and present them as just, oh something that happened whether that was someone flirting with him or whatever.
Anyway, I'm just throwing this stuff out here, I don't know what applies to your relationship with him but I bet if you start thinking about it, if you take out that list and start with something simple, like the restaurant scenario above, you can find something on that list that discounts it.
Like you would go there as a "special occasion" or he would tack one on, but only when he's been on a binge, never just for your birthday or anniversary of the day you met.
Hope that makes sense. That's how you start to meld the two. He isn't "good" and "bad", you will find (possibly) that many of the things were all about him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
What are we hoping to see? What will make it better? Even seeing him with 6 failed relationships probably wouldnt do it.
Turn your backward -looking thoughts around.
Is there something in the future you are looking forward to? Write it down. Im looking forward to someone holding my hand for no reason while sitting on the couch with a cup of tea. Not a fancy dinner or other flashy gesture.
I dont have that now.
And I'd like to meet someone over a cup of coffee at a cafe. Ha ha - all about the hot drinks!
Thats sooooo far away from where i am now.
Turn your backward -looking thoughts around.
Is there something in the future you are looking forward to? Write it down. Im looking forward to someone holding my hand for no reason while sitting on the couch with a cup of tea. Not a fancy dinner or other flashy gesture.
I dont have that now.
And I'd like to meet someone over a cup of coffee at a cafe. Ha ha - all about the hot drinks!
Thats sooooo far away from where i am now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
It's all about the normal nice stuff isn't it Wombaticus.
celebration123, I'm sorry my post about cognitive dissonance might cause cognitive dissonance lol, it's hard to write (so I found).
Did you get your book today?
celebration123, I'm sorry my post about cognitive dissonance might cause cognitive dissonance lol, it's hard to write (so I found).
Did you get your book today?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wombaticus….I felt that way, in my first marriage. After I was a single woman, again....it felt sooo wonderful to have someone see and treat me as a complete woman...and, not just an indentured servant....or, someone to criticize....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
If I think about what I look forward to it's being with someone who thinks I'm great just for being me. I look forward to being able to look forward to a future with a reliable person with normal character flaws!
I went to a ball on Saturday and for the first time I didn't miss him, pine for him and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with friends. I danced, laughed and drank buckets of wine without feeling guilty or worrying.
This weekend I have plans with friends but I'm also looking forward to reading and catching up on TV. Simple things but things I couldn't enjoy until recently.
Progress not perfection!!
I went to a ball on Saturday and for the first time I didn't miss him, pine for him and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with friends. I danced, laughed and drank buckets of wine without feeling guilty or worrying.
This weekend I have plans with friends but I'm also looking forward to reading and catching up on TV. Simple things but things I couldn't enjoy until recently.
Progress not perfection!!
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