Help, new comer, dont know what to do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1
Help, new comer, dont know what to do!
Hi,
I'm a new comer, so apologies for lenghty text.
My husband and I have been married 23 years and he has been struggling with alcohol on and off for possibly 16 years.
He was always a heavy drinker when he drank but felt it was controlled. This obviously progressed and whilst there is still an element of control it is now most definitely out of hand.
My husband goes to work each morning sober (possibly) but most evenings comes home in different states of drunkenness: paralytic, drunk, funny drunk. He hides the amount of drink, hides bottles and is very aware he is not in control. Has tried a number of times to stay sober but in last 3 years this probably lasts about 2 weeks.
At the beginning of August, my oldest son 14yrs and I had cooked a dinner for him. He was happy drunk when he walked in. Within the space of 15minutes of getting table prepared and dishing up etc.. he had been out to the car (obviously where he was hiding it) and was paralytic drunk. To the point he couldn't walk and nearly passed out in front of my eldest.
My son thought he was dying and was screaming, the whole affair was awful to watch through my sons eyes. I therefore made the decision to seperate from my husband.
Since mid August my husband has found a room to rent and has told me he has remained sober. He has been to the doctors who have told him he is depressed and the drink is acting like an anti depressant. They have therefore put him on anti depressants and have got a councillor to call him. (Had one meeting so far)
As the doctor has said the drinking is stemming from his depression he is not doing anything about the drink. Now I appreciate he hasnt drunk since August but he actually at some point stayed sober for about 2 years once. I am therefore not convinced that he will remain this way. Trust has completely gone.
He tried AA once before but said he couldnt relate to the people there as they were all people that had lost everything. He still doesnt believe that he is in this position. I can't force him to go but whats the likelihood of him staying sober?
Other than AA is there anything else for him in UK? (That doesn't cost a fortune).
I'm a new comer, so apologies for lenghty text.
My husband and I have been married 23 years and he has been struggling with alcohol on and off for possibly 16 years.
He was always a heavy drinker when he drank but felt it was controlled. This obviously progressed and whilst there is still an element of control it is now most definitely out of hand.
My husband goes to work each morning sober (possibly) but most evenings comes home in different states of drunkenness: paralytic, drunk, funny drunk. He hides the amount of drink, hides bottles and is very aware he is not in control. Has tried a number of times to stay sober but in last 3 years this probably lasts about 2 weeks.
At the beginning of August, my oldest son 14yrs and I had cooked a dinner for him. He was happy drunk when he walked in. Within the space of 15minutes of getting table prepared and dishing up etc.. he had been out to the car (obviously where he was hiding it) and was paralytic drunk. To the point he couldn't walk and nearly passed out in front of my eldest.
My son thought he was dying and was screaming, the whole affair was awful to watch through my sons eyes. I therefore made the decision to seperate from my husband.
Since mid August my husband has found a room to rent and has told me he has remained sober. He has been to the doctors who have told him he is depressed and the drink is acting like an anti depressant. They have therefore put him on anti depressants and have got a councillor to call him. (Had one meeting so far)
As the doctor has said the drinking is stemming from his depression he is not doing anything about the drink. Now I appreciate he hasnt drunk since August but he actually at some point stayed sober for about 2 years once. I am therefore not convinced that he will remain this way. Trust has completely gone.
He tried AA once before but said he couldnt relate to the people there as they were all people that had lost everything. He still doesnt believe that he is in this position. I can't force him to go but whats the likelihood of him staying sober?
Other than AA is there anything else for him in UK? (That doesn't cost a fortune).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Hi Helsbee and welcome to Soberrecovery. I hope you find lots of support here.
You sound like you have figured out some ways to make the situation better for yourself so kudos for that. Most of us are a bit dubious about the prospect of long term sobriety.
I'm in the US so don't know much about what is available in the UK but we do have some British on board and they may have ideas.
Have you done anything for yourself? Alanon? Reading about relationships with alcoholics? The book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
You sound like you have figured out some ways to make the situation better for yourself so kudos for that. Most of us are a bit dubious about the prospect of long term sobriety.
I'm in the US so don't know much about what is available in the UK but we do have some British on board and they may have ideas.
Have you done anything for yourself? Alanon? Reading about relationships with alcoholics? The book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
Hi HelsBee and Welcome to SR!
There are so many here with similar stories, and you are not alone in not knowing what to do. But you've already accomplished the most important thing you can: removing yourself and son from toxic atmosphere that is living with a depressed, active alcoholic. What follows will take some time to process and figure out, for yourself. Sadly, there will be no figuring him out until he can figure out himself.
The second thing you've accomplished is posting here on SR!
it's a great place for support. I'm in the US, but before long someone should have some good advice on UK resources.
(((Hugs))))
There are so many here with similar stories, and you are not alone in not knowing what to do. But you've already accomplished the most important thing you can: removing yourself and son from toxic atmosphere that is living with a depressed, active alcoholic. What follows will take some time to process and figure out, for yourself. Sadly, there will be no figuring him out until he can figure out himself.
The second thing you've accomplished is posting here on SR!
it's a great place for support. I'm in the US, but before long someone should have some good advice on UK resources. (((Hugs))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HelsBee…..to be very candid....your husband has been drinking for some decades...and, has a negative attitude toward getting help for the drinking....From what you share, it seems that he has spiraled pretty far along in his alcoholism. Statistically, staying sober with white knuckling, alone, makes the chances very slim....I have never seen it happen.
Unless the alcoholic desperately wants recovery for themselves....so much so, that, they will take any and A-L-L the help that they can get....you will probably not convince him to go to AA.....Alcoholic denial and the fear of trying to live sober are very strong.
The important thing is that -YOU know the facts. That you become thoroughly educated about alcoholism, yourself. This will allow you to make informed decisions. -You will not be able to trust him to do so.....
HelsBee….I am going to give you two links.
The first one is to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. This library of over 100 articles is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page.
The second link is a specific article...taken from our library of articles....especially chosen, because I feel that it will be useful for you right now....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
HelsBee….Knowledge is power.
Let the learning begin....lol....
Unless the alcoholic desperately wants recovery for themselves....so much so, that, they will take any and A-L-L the help that they can get....you will probably not convince him to go to AA.....Alcoholic denial and the fear of trying to live sober are very strong.
The important thing is that -YOU know the facts. That you become thoroughly educated about alcoholism, yourself. This will allow you to make informed decisions. -You will not be able to trust him to do so.....
HelsBee….I am going to give you two links.
The first one is to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. This library of over 100 articles is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page.
The second link is a specific article...taken from our library of articles....especially chosen, because I feel that it will be useful for you right now....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
HelsBee….Knowledge is power.
Let the learning begin....lol....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Welcome doesn't really sound like an appropriate word...hmmm...glad you found us. This place has saved me on many occasions and being able to debrief as i figure my world out slowly is such a gift. I keep reading stories so similar to my own, as you will. Including yours - a long-term drinker who is a happyish drunk who goes hard and then passes out. My AH still hasn't admitted a problem.
we all understand just how hard it is. X
we all understand just how hard it is. X
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