Inner Beast
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Inner Beast
Went through a horribly difficult and sad 3 years (5 years together) with an alcoholic wife. In the end, she was sleeping on benches in Central Park just below the condominium we shared together. 3 inpatient rehabs and all the help (psychiatrists, addiction specialists etc.,) that we were fortunate enough to afford, I had to leave, I just couldn't watch the destruction anymore, most painful time of my life.
We haven't spoken in over 3 years, I have no idea where she is, or what her life is all about. However, I do think of her often and hope she was able to find a healthier life.
About a year after our "split" I had a short relationship with a wonderful women who cared deeply for me, but I just wasn't ready. I have been in a fantastic relationship for the last 6 months. I was so relieved to have a " normal" loving relationship again. Well, that changed. She had some friends in town, and was out every night (4-5) partying. Unexpectedly, and out of character, I "lost it". She did nothing wrong, which she repeated over and over again. I was so upset, it was such a horrible emotional over-reaction (nothing physical). Understandably, she left me the next day.
Before the alcoholic girlfriend, I wasn't a jealous, controlling, crazed person. I attended Alanon and in therapy for years, thought I had dealt with many of these of issues, but wow this beast inside me was a horrible surprise.
We haven't spoken in over 3 years, I have no idea where she is, or what her life is all about. However, I do think of her often and hope she was able to find a healthier life.
About a year after our "split" I had a short relationship with a wonderful women who cared deeply for me, but I just wasn't ready. I have been in a fantastic relationship for the last 6 months. I was so relieved to have a " normal" loving relationship again. Well, that changed. She had some friends in town, and was out every night (4-5) partying. Unexpectedly, and out of character, I "lost it". She did nothing wrong, which she repeated over and over again. I was so upset, it was such a horrible emotional over-reaction (nothing physical). Understandably, she left me the next day.
Before the alcoholic girlfriend, I wasn't a jealous, controlling, crazed person. I attended Alanon and in therapy for years, thought I had dealt with many of these of issues, but wow this beast inside me was a horrible surprise.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hey,
I understand. I guess all we can do is be honest with ourselves as to why we do things and make the changes if it is right...Hearing about your situation is really sad. A lot of healing needs to take place. I am barely out of a relationship and I am a pretty broken man, I can't even imagine being involved with someone. Sounds like you are on the path to healing too. Maybe give her a shout and explain your reaction...it can't hurt.
I understand. I guess all we can do is be honest with ourselves as to why we do things and make the changes if it is right...Hearing about your situation is really sad. A lot of healing needs to take place. I am barely out of a relationship and I am a pretty broken man, I can't even imagine being involved with someone. Sounds like you are on the path to healing too. Maybe give her a shout and explain your reaction...it can't hurt.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
It’s been about 7 months since I left my alcoholic girlfriend of 6 years. It takes a long time to heal. Emotions explode when you haven’t dealt with the root cause of the pain. You’re right... after living with so much chaos, dysfunction, addiction, trauma, anger, worry... the pain rears it’s ugly head on those who don’t deserve it... things trigger us and all the emotions resurface. It’s scary because we’ve learned unhealthy behaviors and responses when living with an alcoholic.
Breathe. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. It is possible to heal and learn new, healthy behaviors. I have a long way to go... but I’m getting there, slowly. We all can get there... you will get there.
Agree with WL, perhaps reach out to this woman and apologize if that helps you heal? Whatever you feel is best... but it starts with forgiving yourself.
Side note: this often happens when dating too early after a very traumatic relationship. My therapist advised me to wait, take things slow. Everyone is different - but I do think... take your time.
Breathe. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. It is possible to heal and learn new, healthy behaviors. I have a long way to go... but I’m getting there, slowly. We all can get there... you will get there.
Agree with WL, perhaps reach out to this woman and apologize if that helps you heal? Whatever you feel is best... but it starts with forgiving yourself.
Side note: this often happens when dating too early after a very traumatic relationship. My therapist advised me to wait, take things slow. Everyone is different - but I do think... take your time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Whatalif…….well, I think you might have learned a lesson from this.....that you need more self work.....Some of our most valuable lessons are learned in the School of Experience....
I can't help but point out that the woman is a great example of how to use personal boundaries to protect ourselves.....
Many of us could take a lesson from her.....
I can't help but point out that the woman is a great example of how to use personal boundaries to protect ourselves.....
Many of us could take a lesson from her.....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for the comments. I apologized to her the next day, but the damage was done. We had so many calm and good times (never any anger) that I was hoping we could work it out. I do admire her for leaving, she is a wonderful women, and I completely understand her need to move on.
Now, I need to do better, lesson learned. Need to put better tools to work to make sure this never happens again.
Now, I need to do better, lesson learned. Need to put better tools to work to make sure this never happens again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes! Maybe it's time to hit up another meeting, or a therapist to help you work through some of those feelings. Both helped me immensely!
It's one thing to have the tools, another to use them. We all slip into behavior we don't like about ourselves, all we can do is try to look at why and make sure it does not continue in the future.
It's one thing to have the tools, another to use them. We all slip into behavior we don't like about ourselves, all we can do is try to look at why and make sure it does not continue in the future.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
As nice as your ladyfriend was, perhaps she was just not a match?
I know you are sorry for your reaction to her partying, but what if the partying started happening with NO friends from out of town? I think the partying was a red flag.
I've decided that dating is like shopping for a house. You might like the neighborhood and oversized bath tub, but if the roof is about to cave in, that's a deal breaker.
I'm glad you are here among us. Thanks for sharing.
I know you are sorry for your reaction to her partying, but what if the partying started happening with NO friends from out of town? I think the partying was a red flag.
I've decided that dating is like shopping for a house. You might like the neighborhood and oversized bath tub, but if the roof is about to cave in, that's a deal breaker.
I'm glad you are here among us. Thanks for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Interesting question for me, was this a red flag as you suggest, or did I just blow a gasket out of fear of what happened years ago? Her friends were visiting NYC, and obviously there are many amazing experiences here that involve going out at night. Regardless, I need to do better and find another a way to deal with all these emotions, and stay calm. Will start again with therapist next week.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Whatalif.…..if this filled you with fear and such anxiety that you "blew a gasket"......and, it is in this context...the oly time it has happened...do you think you could have an almost ptsd kind of reaction from the trauma of your past relationship with wife?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
Whatalif,
I have to chime in,
Screw that!!!!!
Going out till all hours of the night?
Why weren't you invited?
Something doesn't pass the smell test.
You should be glad you got out without more damage.
Good for you.
Bad things are afoot late at night in the Big Apple.
You are damn lucky it happened before you were married and had kids.
I have to chime in,
Screw that!!!!!
Going out till all hours of the night?
Why weren't you invited?
Something doesn't pass the smell test.
You should be glad you got out without more damage.
Good for you.
Bad things are afoot late at night in the Big Apple.
You are damn lucky it happened before you were married and had kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
While blowing a gasket wasn't necessary, I think her new pattern signalled the beginning of the end. But I'm old and kinda set in my ways, but here's my take:
Someone spending four or five nights a week out with other people isn't really interested in furthering a relationship with me. There may be points in my life, or anyone else's at which a limited relationship works just fine. -For me- looking for a partnership/romance (whatever that amounts to at my advanced age) or companionship, it wouldn't.
I view this as pulling off the band-aid *real* quick.
Someone spending four or five nights a week out with other people isn't really interested in furthering a relationship with me. There may be points in my life, or anyone else's at which a limited relationship works just fine. -For me- looking for a partnership/romance (whatever that amounts to at my advanced age) or companionship, it wouldn't.
I view this as pulling off the band-aid *real* quick.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
In my opinion, if she could leave only after one such incident after 6 months of lovely and caring relationship u guys had, that would be a deal breaker for me! And Im not saying anyone should be up for any type of abuse. But if you apologised and explained where those reactions are possibly coming from, i believe that a mature enough person would somehow try to see it from a broader perspective. Besides, relationships are not just happy times together, they are also a struggle and a serious teamwork! So, in all honesty, you dont need such partner to begin with!
At least I would always try to be realistic about life, and not live in La La land and expect everything to run only smoothly in life! People are here for each other in good and bad-hopefully! Considering they are equally capable of taking life by its horns, so to speak (and soberly too, of course)!
all the best!
At least I would always try to be realistic about life, and not live in La La land and expect everything to run only smoothly in life! People are here for each other in good and bad-hopefully! Considering they are equally capable of taking life by its horns, so to speak (and soberly too, of course)!
all the best!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
She triggered you. It's probably good that you notice potential red flags like that. I think learning to control your responses when you're triggered is the hard part. You have that reaction because of all the crap you went through, and your mind/body learned from that experience and doesn't want you to repeat it. Now whether or not your reaction is in proportion to the actual threat is a different thing--but don't ignore your gut reaction to things.
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