It's not just me, is it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
It's not just me, is it?
Patterns of my days sober to be mindful of:
I'll give you the rundown:
1. 20 years of drinking and denying -- who cares I'll never make it sober
2. recently managed a 5 month stint (but at end felt like total "white-knuckling")...i was a ticking time-bomb...but it was for my son and my dignity...
3. 2 days
4. 3 days
5. 7 days
6. Here we are, I just said **** it again...i read the AVRT and rebuked my AV. Yet still, I minimized the worst and maximized the best, here I am with alcohol in my sys again y'all. I dont feel terrible YET bc I haven't been drinking until oblivion as I would historically do. For example, I had 2 margaritas tonight. My fiance is sick and I was still up so I bought a 4-pack of bubbly Rose and I drank 2 so far. I feel buzzed and have no desire to drink the last two.
My in-laws are in town. Every other moment in life, aside from my addiction; I feel blessed, happy, curious to learn new things about myself. For example, today I spent most of my time outside listening and looking for birds. I tried to get the hummingbirds to drink from hand by wrapping red ribbon around it with an 1/8 measuring cup with sugar water. But really I was on the lookout for the falcon my Love had spotted and recorded while tending to his garden.
I signed up to the free class offered by Cornell Lab Orthinology -- eBird Essentials. So far its been extremely helpful and informative. I want to focus on finding things that I love. That I am drawn to. It seems the last 28 years have been a repititve urge to flee and escape in alcohol and drugs. The horrifying realization is that, here I am at 38 years old, not knowing myself at all, having improvised my every motion because I had suffered such trauma, yet not realizing it at the time. Moving further and further away from my 'real' self at such a small age as though I never developed a 'real' self at all.
I love birds. Especially my Hummies. I'd love to connect to our birds of prey. But who wouldn't?
Yikes!
I'll give you the rundown:
1. 20 years of drinking and denying -- who cares I'll never make it sober
2. recently managed a 5 month stint (but at end felt like total "white-knuckling")...i was a ticking time-bomb...but it was for my son and my dignity...
3. 2 days
4. 3 days
5. 7 days
6. Here we are, I just said **** it again...i read the AVRT and rebuked my AV. Yet still, I minimized the worst and maximized the best, here I am with alcohol in my sys again y'all. I dont feel terrible YET bc I haven't been drinking until oblivion as I would historically do. For example, I had 2 margaritas tonight. My fiance is sick and I was still up so I bought a 4-pack of bubbly Rose and I drank 2 so far. I feel buzzed and have no desire to drink the last two.
My in-laws are in town. Every other moment in life, aside from my addiction; I feel blessed, happy, curious to learn new things about myself. For example, today I spent most of my time outside listening and looking for birds. I tried to get the hummingbirds to drink from hand by wrapping red ribbon around it with an 1/8 measuring cup with sugar water. But really I was on the lookout for the falcon my Love had spotted and recorded while tending to his garden.
I signed up to the free class offered by Cornell Lab Orthinology -- eBird Essentials. So far its been extremely helpful and informative. I want to focus on finding things that I love. That I am drawn to. It seems the last 28 years have been a repititve urge to flee and escape in alcohol and drugs. The horrifying realization is that, here I am at 38 years old, not knowing myself at all, having improvised my every motion because I had suffered such trauma, yet not realizing it at the time. Moving further and further away from my 'real' self at such a small age as though I never developed a 'real' self at all.
I love birds. Especially my Hummies. I'd love to connect to our birds of prey. But who wouldn't?
Yikes!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
No, it's not just you. I did the same, sober for a while, then f it. 
I finally got sick and tired of always being sick and tired. I got to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. That was almost 10 yrs ago and I haven't had a drink in all that time. 
Is is possible to get and stay sober, but you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink.
I hope you'll utilize this site to help you get sober for good.
I finally got sick and tired of always being sick and tired. I got to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. That was almost 10 yrs ago and I haven't had a drink in all that time. Is is possible to get and stay sober, but you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink.
I hope you'll utilize this site to help you get sober for good.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi KTB
I think the common denominator to every successful story is acceptance - acceptance that further drinking will on bring worse and worse trouble.
I minimised the worst too, and maximised the best while there was a best to maximise but deep down I knew...if I wanted change I needed to make changes.
Coming here (or going to AA or SMART or using AVRT or seeing a doctor or a counsellor, or looking into rehab) instead of drinking will not thrill your AV but it might just change your life...even save it in the long run?
Make a change KTB
D
I think the common denominator to every successful story is acceptance - acceptance that further drinking will on bring worse and worse trouble.
I minimised the worst too, and maximised the best while there was a best to maximise but deep down I knew...if I wanted change I needed to make changes.
Coming here (or going to AA or SMART or using AVRT or seeing a doctor or a counsellor, or looking into rehab) instead of drinking will not thrill your AV but it might just change your life...even save it in the long run?
Make a change KTB
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
I feel buzzed and have no desire to drink the last two.
This feeling will be short lived if you continue. There will come a time when all you can think about is finishing the last two, and the next two.
Stop while you're ahead. Find beauty in nature, the birds, and self discovery. What you're looking for isn't in that bottle.
Trust me.
This feeling will be short lived if you continue. There will come a time when all you can think about is finishing the last two, and the next two.
Stop while you're ahead. Find beauty in nature, the birds, and self discovery. What you're looking for isn't in that bottle.
Trust me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Originally Posted by KTB5000 
Every other moment in life, aside from my addiction; I feel blessed, happy, curious to learn new things about myself. For example, today I spent most of my time outside listening and looking for birds. I tried to get the hummingbirds to drink from hand by wrapping red ribbon around it with an 1/8 measuring cup with sugar water. But really I was on the lookout for the falcon my Love had spotted and recorded while tending to his garden.
I signed up to the free class offered by Cornell Lab Orthinology -- eBird Essentials. So far its been extremely helpful and informative. I want to focus on finding things that I love. That I am drawn to. It seems the last 28 years have been a repititve urge to flee and escape in alcohol and drugs. The horrifying realization is that, here I am at 38 years old, not knowing myself at all, having improvised my every motion because I had suffered such trauma, yet not realizing it at the time. Moving further and further away from my 'real' self at such a small age as though I never developed a 'real' self at all.
I love birds. Especially my Hummies. I'd love to connect to our birds of prey. But who wouldn't?
I signed up to the free class offered by Cornell Lab Orthinology -- eBird Essentials. So far its been extremely helpful and informative. I want to focus on finding things that I love. That I am drawn to. It seems the last 28 years have been a repititve urge to flee and escape in alcohol and drugs. The horrifying realization is that, here I am at 38 years old, not knowing myself at all, having improvised my every motion because I had suffered such trauma, yet not realizing it at the time. Moving further and further away from my 'real' self at such a small age as though I never developed a 'real' self at all.
I love birds. Especially my Hummies. I'd love to connect to our birds of prey. But who wouldn't?
Recovery as a whole has to be the main thing. You got five months, and that's great! But you can go beyond
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