Is he an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Is he an alcoholic
When I met my fiancé I knew he liked to drink. We were in our 20’s so I didn’t think anything of it. I started noticing that when he started he couldn’t just have a few. It was a lot usually to the point of him being drunk every time he drank. I left him after three years of lying about how much he drank and staying out until 3, 4 sometimes 5 am and coming home drunkWe got back together after 6 months. He showed me that his drinking slowed down a lot and he was willing to put in the work or so I thought. He stayed like that for about two years and still drank but definitely had cut down and we got engaged. The last 6-8 months , he has had times where he’s drinking 2-3 times a week then it slows down usually when I say something. A few weeks ago he was drinking at a work party , went to his brothers after and told me he would be home soon. He never came home. He fell asleep there and apologized and I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed. Two weeks later he was out, texted me at 10pm to say he was having a drink with his boss(a big alcoholic) and I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. He doesn’t think it is a problem because it is only ever beer and it’s not everyday. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents. I just moved in with him and it’s the same thing. His father has stage 4 cancer so I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
hi and welcome.
So you moved back to your parents but you've now moved back in with him?
Only he can say if he is an alcoholic but regardless, he obviously has a problem with alcohol and the only question you really need to answer is if you want to deal with that and be around it.
If him having 1 drink bothers you, then it does, he doesn't need to agree with you.
So he wants to drink and he wants to drink a lot and he wants to get drunk and stay out late or all night.
If you marry him, don't expect this to change, in fact you can pretty much count on it progressing, that's how alcoholism works. So if that is not what you want your life to be like, you should follow your original instinct.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
As for his Father, that is very sad but it's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship with him because his Father is not well?
So you moved back to your parents but you've now moved back in with him?
Only he can say if he is an alcoholic but regardless, he obviously has a problem with alcohol and the only question you really need to answer is if you want to deal with that and be around it.
If him having 1 drink bothers you, then it does, he doesn't need to agree with you.
So he wants to drink and he wants to drink a lot and he wants to get drunk and stay out late or all night.
If you marry him, don't expect this to change, in fact you can pretty much count on it progressing, that's how alcoholism works. So if that is not what you want your life to be like, you should follow your original instinct.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
As for his Father, that is very sad but it's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship with him because his Father is not well?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Llm…..some of the hallmarks of alcoholism are...lying about how much they drink.....not having an "off" switch when they do drink...(One drink is too m uch--a thousand is not enough)--a saying in recovery circles.
For the alcoholic, there is no possibility of just "cutting down". They might, for a while, but, it eventually go back to the original amount and even more....
Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it gets worse over time. Even for people who stop for a while (white knuckling)…..when they have the first drink..it rapidly increases to more than before....and, so it goes....
There is no "cure" for alcoholism....just the possibility of putting it into remission by working a diligent program of recovery for the REST of their lives.
It might be a good idea to go to some Open Speakers Meetings of AA...to learn more about alcoholism.....You are allowed to go to these as a non-participant....
For the alcoholic, there is no possibility of just "cutting down". They might, for a while, but, it eventually go back to the original amount and even more....
Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it gets worse over time. Even for people who stop for a while (white knuckling)…..when they have the first drink..it rapidly increases to more than before....and, so it goes....
There is no "cure" for alcoholism....just the possibility of putting it into remission by working a diligent program of recovery for the REST of their lives.
It might be a good idea to go to some Open Speakers Meetings of AA...to learn more about alcoholism.....You are allowed to go to these as a non-participant....
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Hi sorry youre going through this! This is the reason why My F and I broke up too. It was too much for me to handle, and he wasnt gonna quit. So there is no point in tolerating it any further, unless you can picture the rest of your life like that. I couldnt. Besides, I didnt want to enable him, as that does much more damage for him than good. At least you can say you gave him an option to have a decent life. It is up to him to decide.
stay strong its not easy! I am still trying to recover even months after our breakup. But it DOES get easier! Best!
stay strong its not easy! I am still trying to recover even months after our breakup. But it DOES get easier! Best!
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
It sounds like it is difficult to trust him. Thats not a good basis for a relationship. He's not following through on what he says and you dont know what he's up to when he's out.
If you dont call the wedding off, please at least consider delaying it.
Im nearly 20 years in to our relationship and it just gets more and more complicated and heartbreaking.
If you dont call the wedding off, please at least consider delaying it.
Im nearly 20 years in to our relationship and it just gets more and more complicated and heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hey Lim, welcome and so sorry for the position you are in.
There is little to nothing you can do about his drinking. Of course having serious talks with him may cause him to slow down. For a bit. But it won't change the long term trajectory of the his drinking.
The best you can do is educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics. Some folks have found Alanon to be helpful although it isn't fro everyone. Also the book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love is a bit of a bible around here so you might give it a look over.
There is little to nothing you can do about his drinking. Of course having serious talks with him may cause him to slow down. For a bit. But it won't change the long term trajectory of the his drinking.
The best you can do is educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics. Some folks have found Alanon to be helpful although it isn't fro everyone. Also the book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love is a bit of a bible around here so you might give it a look over.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Hi I was in your situation my EXBF would go out with his mates drinking and get in some terrible states and stay out as I realised then he’d stay out because he could consume as much alcohol as he wanted with out me knowing.
as years went on I also sat and spoke to him and he slowed down but like yours it started up again they can’t stop for long trust me not unless they want too it has to be there decision you cannot make him or nag him enough that your think he will care enough to stop he won’t.
ive now separated from mine because it was never going to change and it’s heartbreaking walking away from someone you love.
but if your not happy which we have all been there then do the right thing I had to either put up and shut up and be miserable because I wasn’t getting what o deserved from this relationship but he would be happy !!! Or leave and put my needs first and I did that.it does hurt but unless my ex gets help and stays drink free there is no future for us.
good luck in your decision I hope you make the right one for you.
as years went on I also sat and spoke to him and he slowed down but like yours it started up again they can’t stop for long trust me not unless they want too it has to be there decision you cannot make him or nag him enough that your think he will care enough to stop he won’t.
ive now separated from mine because it was never going to change and it’s heartbreaking walking away from someone you love.
but if your not happy which we have all been there then do the right thing I had to either put up and shut up and be miserable because I wasn’t getting what o deserved from this relationship but he would be happy !!! Or leave and put my needs first and I did that.it does hurt but unless my ex gets help and stays drink free there is no future for us.
good luck in your decision I hope you make the right one for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Llm784 
When I met my fiancé I knew he liked to drink. We were in our 20’s so I didn’t think anything of it. I started noticing that when he started he couldn’t just have a few. It was a lot usually to the point of him being drunk every time he drank. I left him after three years of lying about how much he drank and staying out until 3, 4 sometimes 5 am and coming home drunkWe got back together after 6 months. He showed me that his drinking slowed down a lot and he was willing to put in the work or so I thought. He stayed like that for about two years and still drank but definitely had cut down and we got engaged. The last 6-8 months , he has had times where he’s drinking 2-3 times a week then it slows down usually when I say something. A few weeks ago he was drinking at a work party , went to his brothers after and told me he would be home soon. He never came home. He fell asleep there and apologized and I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed. Two weeks later he was out, texted me at 10pm to say he was having a drink with his boss(a big alcoholic) and I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. He doesn’t think it is a problem because it is only ever beer and it’s not everyday. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents. I just moved in with him and it’s the same thing. His father has stage 4 cancer so I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
It sounds like you have gotten lots of good perspectives so far. All I can really add is my own experience which feels similar. I'm in the process of divorcing my, I believe, alcoholic husband after 20 years. It's so hard, when your relationship seems good in other ways, to not let that cloud your voice of concern about the drinking. That is what I did for a really long time. But, I was kind of where you are 20+ years ago - I knew, deep down, that he was an alcoholic. We were also in our 20s and I always told myself then that "it's just a phase - lots of people in their 20s go through heavy drinking phases". I was wrong. I spent our whole marriage concerned, in one way or another, about his drinking. He never got DUIs, was never abusive, never lost his job. But, my concern about his heavy drinking never lessened, and after we had two kids, I finally came to the point of deciding that I could not raise my kids around someone who drinks like that. So here I am now in my mid-40s - divorced and worrying about child support. (That's not meant as a pity party - we're really doing well - but just to give you an idea of how it turned out for me.)
If I could go back in time, I would not have married him, even though I did love him and I know he loved me in his own way. Alcohol really damages relationships - even if there's no clear physical or emotional abuse involved. I hope this perspective helps in some way. Best hopes for you!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Your question was “is he an alcoholic?”
He does appear to drink alcoholicly and “binge drink”. He appears to be unwilling to give up alcohol as part of his life. Is he a problem drinker or a “real” alcoholic as AA defines?
As has been pointed out only the A knows or can ever answer that question for them self.
However... does a definition or diagnosis matter in the end? Most likely he will not change... ever. If you can live with your relationship as it has been in its past “honeymoon” years knowing he has a substance use disorder that’s progressive is the actual choice before you.
Your not wanting to leave him while his father is ill tells me you are a very empathetic and caring partner. Have you read Codependent No More? It really helped me sort things with my qualifier x fiancé ... a chronic relapsing binger who is still steadily drinking himself to death.
i broke it off 10 years ago...and he did get much, much worse...
Hope that helps a little... sorry you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so very, very hard I know. Keep coming back...
He does appear to drink alcoholicly and “binge drink”. He appears to be unwilling to give up alcohol as part of his life. Is he a problem drinker or a “real” alcoholic as AA defines?
As has been pointed out only the A knows or can ever answer that question for them self.
However... does a definition or diagnosis matter in the end? Most likely he will not change... ever. If you can live with your relationship as it has been in its past “honeymoon” years knowing he has a substance use disorder that’s progressive is the actual choice before you.
Your not wanting to leave him while his father is ill tells me you are a very empathetic and caring partner. Have you read Codependent No More? It really helped me sort things with my qualifier x fiancé ... a chronic relapsing binger who is still steadily drinking himself to death.
i broke it off 10 years ago...and he did get much, much worse...
Hope that helps a little... sorry you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so very, very hard I know. Keep coming back...
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I ruined several relationships due to my heavy drinking. Every time I promised to quit I really meant it, but it did not last. I could not moderate, I tried alot of different ways. The only thing that worked for me was never having the first drink. I am not an alcoholic, but I ruined relationships just the same. Once a woman loses respect for you, it is over. Once trust is lost, it is over. Please seriously think of calling this off and if by some miracle he quits and has been sober at least a year, you could revisit it then. If his dad is dying, that is a serious reason to be drunk right there, at least a half year of grief and alcohol abuse in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by HTown
I ruined several relationships due to my heavy drinking. Every time I promised to quit I really meant it, but it did not last. I could not moderate, I tried alot of different ways. The only thing that worked for me was never having the first drink. I am not an alcoholic, but I ruined relationships just the same. Once a woman loses respect for you, it is over. Once trust is lost, it is over. Please seriously think of calling this off and if by some miracle he quits and has been sober at least a year, you could revisit it then. If his dad is dying, that is a serious reason to be drunk right there, at least a half year of grief and alcohol abuse in my opinion.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
It took me years to give up drinking, and it took me a long time to see how destructive it is for relationships. I was selfish and did not want to give up alcohol at the time. I felt I had earned it. It was just beer and I am very successful. It was not a problem I thought. Fast forward and no, no reconcilliation. Too much water under the bridge and everyone moved on to new lives. You cannot outlast alcohol abuse. The user only stops when it is their idea.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Originally Posted by HTown
You cannot outlast alcohol abuse. .
I know you can't compete with alcohol in a relationship but I had not thought about outlasting the addiction.
My qualifier eventually got sober but it was probably some 9 years before he did get sober. It would have destroyed me . . . . .well my own reaction to the situation would have destroyed me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Your question was “is he an alcoholic?”
He does appear to drink alcoholicly and “binge drink”. He appears to be unwilling to give up alcohol as part of his life. Is he a problem drinker or a “real” alcoholic as AA defines?
As has been pointed out only the A knows or can ever answer that question for them self.
However... does a definition or diagnosis matter in the end? Most likely he will not change... ever. If you can live with your relationship as it has been in its past “honeymoon” years knowing he has a substance use disorder that’s progressive is the actual choice before you.
Your not wanting to leave him while his father is ill tells me you are a very empathetic and caring partner. Have you read Codependent No More? It really helped me sort things with my qualifier x fiancé ... a chronic relapsing binger who is still steadily drinking himself to death.
i broke it off 10 years ago...and he did get much, much worse...
Hope that helps a little... sorry you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so very, very hard I know. Keep coming back...
He does appear to drink alcoholicly and “binge drink”. He appears to be unwilling to give up alcohol as part of his life. Is he a problem drinker or a “real” alcoholic as AA defines?
As has been pointed out only the A knows or can ever answer that question for them self.
However... does a definition or diagnosis matter in the end? Most likely he will not change... ever. If you can live with your relationship as it has been in its past “honeymoon” years knowing he has a substance use disorder that’s progressive is the actual choice before you.
Your not wanting to leave him while his father is ill tells me you are a very empathetic and caring partner. Have you read Codependent No More? It really helped me sort things with my qualifier x fiancé ... a chronic relapsing binger who is still steadily drinking himself to death.
i broke it off 10 years ago...and he did get much, much worse...
Hope that helps a little... sorry you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so very, very hard I know. Keep coming back...
Does the label make a real difference if you are not ok with his behavior?
My EXABF didn't consider himself an A but his constant drinking and the behaviors that went with it were not ok with me. I'd already walked that progressively downward path for years with my EXAH and I knew without real change where it leads. Are you willing to continue down this path with him or will you break off on your own?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
My husband is the same way... he can have 3 beers but if he has 4, he will have 14.. can't seem to locate the "off" switch after 4... he doesn't drink every night either... I've been dealing with this for 20 years.... message me if you need to talk....
Big Hugs..
Jen
Big Hugs..
Jen
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Thank you for posting. It makes many of us going through the same situation not feel so alone and like we are going crazy. Your post was an eye opener for me, as I feel I could have written it word for word. My boyfriend of 7yrs , is an alcoholic, he doesn’t think he is but every weekend he goes out and drinks to extreme. He stumbles home at 3am, 5am, 7am sometimes he doesn’t come home. He says he loves me and that I mean the world to him. He proposed 2yrs ago. A week later he texted me in the evening after work that he was going to have dinner with a friend. He ended up coming home at 5am extremely drunk. When that happened I gave him the ring back, and told him since he can’t honor the meaning of marriage i won’t be wearing the ring and I absolutely can not live in a toxic environment like this anymore. He has said many times that he is going to “do better and fix things”. That lasts for maybe two wks, and then all it takes is a night out and he’s back to party mode. He’ll say things like I’m trying to control him and that all he’s doing is having fun with friends. The times when he comes home at say 3am drunk goes to the bed , I’ll move out on the couch and then the next morning he’ll act like nothing is wrong like it’s just another day while I’m noticeably upset. I feel like I live in some sort of sick and twisted twilight zone. I started going to Alanon. The last time he came home drunk I moved into the next bedroom and have been there for almost 3months as he continues drinking and then telling me he is going to work on things and go to AA. To me I see him as a liar. I am depressed to the point that it is crippling. But I can’t change him and I’ve stopped trying. I’m trying my best to stay focused on the boundaries I’ve set for myself and not get back on the rollercoaster which is just one big disappointing ride. It’s a sad way to live . I hope you will save yourself the trouble of years added up. I’m trying to rearrange my thinking, but I’m really upset that I kept putting my life on hold for him. I’m here for you if you need to talk. Xxx
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Amusic
Thank you for posting. It makes many of us going through the same situation not feel so alone and like we are going crazy. Your post was an eye opener for me, as I feel I could have written it word for word. My boyfriend of 7yrs , is an alcoholic, he doesn’t think he is but every weekend he goes out and drinks to extreme. He stumbles home at 3am, 5am, 7am sometimes he doesn’t come home. He says he loves me and that I mean the world to him. He proposed 2yrs ago. A week later he texted me in the evening after work that he was going to have dinner with a friend. He ended up coming home at 5am extremely drunk. When that happened I gave him the ring back, and told him since he can’t honor the meaning of marriage i won’t be wearing the ring and I absolutely can not live in a toxic environment like this anymore. He has said many times that he is going to “do better and fix things”. That lasts for maybe two wks, and then all it takes is a night out and he’s back to party mode. He’ll say things like I’m trying to control him and that all he’s doing is having fun with friends. The times when he comes home at say 3am drunk goes to the bed , I’ll move out on the couch and then the next morning he’ll act like nothing is wrong like it’s just another day while I’m noticeably upset. I feel like I live in some sort of sick and twisted twilight zone. I started going to Alanon. The last time he came home drunk I moved into the next bedroom and have been there for almost 3months as he continues drinking and then telling me he is going to work on things and go to AA. To me I see him as a liar. I am depressed to the point that it is crippling. But I can’t change him and I’ve stopped trying. I’m trying my best to stay focused on the boundaries I’ve set for myself and not get back on the rollercoaster which is just one big disappointing ride. It’s a sad way to live . I hope you will save yourself the trouble of years added up. I’m trying to rearrange my thinking, but I’m really upset that I kept putting my life on hold for him. I’m here for you if you need to talk. Xxx
and it’s hard to give up on that person as we all live in hope that one night something might click and they think I love this woman what am I doing.
But sadly they never happens the bond and relationship with Alcohol gets stronger and we get weaker.
i found myself jealous of every one all the couples I know where there other halves take then to dinner and holidays and I see them all happy and not having to play second best to a bottle, so I walked away and it’s heartbreaking but what else can I do .... I can’t change him he won’t change he will only get worse it’s not the life I want for me he destroyed my dream of us, I thought we would get married and be so happy and now I’m single again while his still got his love of his life miss red I call her it’s so sad how this destroys people’s lives
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Amusic
It’s a sad way to live . I hope you will save yourself the trouble of years added up. I’m trying to rearrange my thinking, but I’m really upset that I kept putting my life on hold for him. I’m here for you if you need to talk.
I know you probably hope that he will some day see the light and think omg what am I doing! The amazing woman I am in a relationship with is sleeping on the sofa due to my drinking!
Not going to happen, not today, not tomorrow not next week or next year.
Your boyfriend is well in to his addiction and no amount of sacrifice by you will change that (if it could it already would have). You are just living there at his whim. He goes out and does whatever he wants, tells you he won't then does it again - because why not?? You're not going anywhere so why wouldn't he (and his alcoholic mind) tell you exactly what you want to hear, doesn't hurt him at all, he can say it over and over and there you are.
What will it take for you to save yourself?
Llm784 also started a thread in another forum, there is a reply there that you might find helpful, both replies by Grungehead but in particular post number 10:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...alcoholic.html (Engaged and torn (possible alcoholic))
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Location: New York, NY
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I call myself an alcoholic (28 years in recovery) because when I pick up a drink I can't stop. That's what is meant by "powerless over alcohol" in AA's First Step. It's also a progressive disease: he will continue to drink more unless he stops and gets help.
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