NicLin

I am not sure what happened but last night I began to feel very low emotionally, had a very hard night with sweats and anxiety (haven't had this since I detoxed) and woke up today feeling like I was hit by a truck mentally.

I missed work, missed my first meeting since getting sober (not something I am happy about and do not want to get into the habit of) and slept from 2am last night until 10pm today. I feel depressed, sad, frustrated with myself and have isolated.

Alcohol is on my mind not in the drinking sense, but in the "it would give relief" sense. I am suffering right now from intense self-loathing and feel that it is manifested in exhaustion. I feel strange, disconnected and alone.

Going to rest today and luckily I have a long weekend. I will try to get up tomorrow, go to a workshop I bought tickets for, make a meeting, talk to sponsor and exercise. I will try to be gentle with myself and be stronger.

I am not happy with where I am, but I know everything is temporary. I feel grateful that even though I am isolating, I am still able to log on and express my pain to you all. It means the world to have this outlet when all others seem impossible for me right now.

Still grateful to be sober tonight. Goodnight. Nic.

Dee74

Have you heard of PAWs- it may help to know there's a possible, rational explanation for how you're feeling?

http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute...r-immediately/

Sweetichick2

I have no good ideas as I feel like shift myself today. Try to sleep it off.. I f you rest today good chance you will feel great tomorrow.

Callas

Like they say when you are in hell the only way out is through it. When I feel like this I don’t fight it. I just ride it out. Best of luck,

SoberRican

I look at it as you're getting thrown a curve ball in life my friend it will pass long as you say sober you're good to go hang in there. ✌

magnum102

Hang in there Nico!e. I think everyone has days like what you're describing alcoholic or not. Just eat good, exercise lots of sleep and know that it will pass. Us alcoholics have no patience for anything, so instead of waiting for bad feelings/bad day to pass we drink. At least I did. You got this!
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Sohard

BeABetterMan

least

How long are you sober? Some of that is just the ups and downs of early recovery. The best advice I ever got was to practice gratitude every day. At first I had force myself to find something to be grateful for, but after a while I saw that even the tiny things are reason to be grateful and will make you feel better for your gratitude.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

NicLin

Thank you everyone. Today was a slightly better day.

I dragged my butt out of bed after sleeping since Thursday night and went to a meeting. It was hard to not feel cranky and want to run out but I was able to meet my sponsor afterwards and talk. Then I fellowshipped for a little, went and treated myself to ice cream and saw my sponsor again. Grateful that she lives one street away from me.

I'm understanding that not everyday will be easy, that I need to be open with people about struggling and asking for help and mostly, that I need to be gentle. This is definitely something I struggle with a lot, since I am angry at myself for losing two decades of my life and feeling like I do not DESERVE to have a down moment in life. I know it is insanity but here I am.

Getting back into my nightly routine; picking up old habits I had earlier on that gave me peace of mind like planning out my day, which meetings I will go to, what I will do. I find that I am more at peace when I understand my days and plan them out.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Sober tonight and grateful for day 94.

Rose335

Dear Niclin - I don't know you but I have noticed your posts to others in various threads and you always struck me as being a lovely supportive person.

Don't be so hard I yourself: you deserve as much compassion and care as you've offered to others. Forget the two 'lost' decades and look forward to the next two you are gaining now, hour by hour, day by day.

Amd congratulations on Day 94. I'm a bit ahead of you but not that much. And I've definitely had PAWS moments. Hope today is a better day.

RecklessDrunk

I have a lot of anger and fear about how much time slipped by me.

Besides how much trouble I can get in on one single drunk the other thought that keeps me sober is wasted time. I'm in my mid 40s and if I choose to drink I see myself drinking alone on the couch just wasting more of my precious free time. How fast those years fly now.

I get angry about how much life I've left on the table because of drink. While I have a good life on paper you wouldn't believe what I've messed up over the years and how utterly alone I feel sometimes. I guess some of its healthy. If we don't keep our acts together we are gonna watch more decades fly out the window if the disease doesn't take our lives first.

Gratitude gets me through it. How can I take what I DO have and run with that? Life is short, life is right now, I just cant be all drunk and stupid for this.

CupofJoe

94 days is great! It took me a while to even out. There were good and bad days. It might help to remember that it is all part of the healing process. If you're having a difficult day, just remember that it will pass, too.

It does get better. Give it time. Be gentle with yourself when you're having a rough day. Sitting with discomfort and not wanting to run away from it is part of the recovery process.

You're doing fantastic. Keep it up. Hope you feel better soon.

PinnacleOR

I hear you. My really hard drinking spanned two decades.

Do you have a meditation practice? I dwell on the past and “if onlys” frequently. Meditation seems to help.