ulfr

i cant do it anymore av had enough of face 2 face AA , NA , CA OA to do me a lifetime
i cant talk there at all my words get mixed up and everytime i make a fool of myself as i cant get the words out i want to say
am just going to get online chat rooms or forums
i feel like am an idiot and i feel so ******* low coming out of the meeting i wanted to cut my wrists my husband is helping me to stay safe tonight
i cut last night as well

thats me with no support my minster is gone , my support is gone i should just ****** up and end it for once and for all

AnvilheadII

threats of self harm are very disturbing. you are in crisis and should seek professional mental health support, which you are not going to get in any online forum.

a few days ago you had posted finding a new worship community. and that you felt safe and accepted. is that not part of your support?

nobody HAS to speak in a meeting, so i'm not sure why this is suddenly so significant you make such threats?

ulfr

yes i self harm sometimes unless it suddely not allowed to post
my faith has changed am going throught a change for me
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL

Anna

Serenity, I'm sorry that the meeting left you feeling so low.

I'm so glad that your husband is with you now and helping you get through this. I think you can call the crisis line in your city for help? It sounds to me like you should do that, or ask your husband to take you to the hospital. Please get the help you need.

ulfr

am gone ....dont matter i will NOT BE BACK

Anna

Serenity, you have always gotten a great deal of support here. I hope you continue to post.

Unfortunately, there is a limit to what we can do. Please get the help you need.

Wastinglife

Don't feel embarrassed at a 12 step meeting. Remember that you are in a room full of drunks/addicts who have been through the wringer. They are happy to see you talk because they may have just got out of jail, the psych ward, or rehab. I have been to all 3 and AA is an oasis in comparison. Talk away even if you get flustered!

ulfr

i get paranoid i hate myself most of the time

january161992

When I was new in AA, I would get so nervous trying to speak at meetings that I would almost pass out and need to sit down and I felt really bad about myself.

... because I'm soooooo self- centered and soooooo worried what others think about me.

Truth is ... alcoholics are self involved and nobody even noticed that I was having troubles.

I spent the remainder of my first year just listening and that worked out OK.

snitch

Awww Serenity. Please don't he so hard on yourself I completely identify with what you have shared about sharing! I have come out of meetings before really beating myself up about what I shared, how it came out, what I didn't say that I should have said. Ahhhhhhhhh!!! I have to really let go of my pride (which is really difficult for me to do) and just try and speak from my heart and not worry about how it may or may not sound to others because getting out how I feel sometimes is really important for MY recovery and if someone else gets something out of it ad well hen that is a bonus. If not, that's ok.I have done what is right for me.

Please do not let this stop you going to meetings. That could be the difference between life or death for you. Be kind to yourself. You are just a human trying to stay clean and sober. None of us are perfect !! We are all just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing.

Thanks for sharing. You have helped me today to know I am not the only one who can feel like this.

Lots of love to yo🙏❤🙏❤

Dee74

I'm sorry that you're feeling so upset, serenityriver.

What Anna says is true tho - you've always gotten support here. I hope you'll continue to post.

Let us know you're ok and safe at least, when you feel able to.

D

silentrun

I'm sorry you are hurting Serenity.

saoutchik

I would stop going if it makes you feel terrible Serenity. At the very least take a break from it. These things are not supposed to be torture.

AA and open group recovery meetings can be excellent and vital to the recovery for some people but they are not for everyone. You are by no means the only person who would baulk at speaking about difficult and personal issues in front of a roomful of mostly strangers. There is no shame in not having the type of personality that is suited to it. It's a bit like someone offering me a million pounds for a charity to sing in front of a crowd, no matter they are paying a million pounds I am still going to sound like a cow sitting on barbed wire.

Another thing is that they are really good for support advice encouragement to not use but they are not mental health professionals and sometimes its that side of things that require the help.

I would think about what or where I felt the most comfortable and seek it out if you can. Also, do keep posting here where you have as much time as you need to think about what you want to say. All the best Serenity.

Lucinda2

SerenityRiver, I am sorry that it hurts so much. I know that feeling of turning into a jibbering wreck and feeling like a blithering stupid fool. I have been there. There are lots of paths to recovery. I don't do meetings but I am not averse to accessing other help. I am on a waiting list for counselling around some post-traumatic stress and grief issues. I hope that you are able to access the right support for yourself as well. My needs in that respect can wait, they are not urgent and in the meantime I have here, but if you need help now please do get it even if it is just calling a helpline. I hope you don't leave here. I have not been here long but I have got a lot from your posts. Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air.

DriGuy

Serenity, I would agree that you need a totally different kind of help in your life right now. Address that first, and then decide whether or not to continue in AA. You may decide it's not for you. It's not for everyone. Fortunately, it's not the only solution for alcoholism.

Patcha

I think that recovery meetings can be retraumatising somtimes, esp if people are dwelling a lot on their history of drinking and hurting other people. I was advised to go to meetings that focus on the solution, like Big Book Study group and Steps groups. That helps. I had a terrible PTSD incident triggered by something someone shared at a meeting. I hope you are able to get some support and help IRL.

NicLin

Hoping that you soon find peace. Be gentle with yourself.

ulfr

i am feelig a little better today ...sorry for the drama ...my illness makes me like this but i should be in charge of my emotions ...something else i feel am not very good at ...there is no point in me being like this i feel too paranoid to return to the meetings at the moment ...maybe another time i just wanted to say thank you and stay sober

aasharon90

SerenityRiver.....In your name Serenity....that is
what I wish for you to recieve and experience in
your life moving forward.

As you continue to listen, learn, absorb and apply
new coping skills, sober and recovery lessons, then
you will become stronger and more confident within
yourself.

Yes, time will heal as all of know. Sometimes, taking
a minute to an hour at a time doing things will be easier
to manage instead of getting overwhelmed with everything
at one time.

When I entered recovery, I began in a 28 day rehab
stay before I was released and had to be responsible
to continuing my own recovery doing all that was
necessary to remain sober and build a strong recovery
foundation to live my life upon for yrs to come.

Yes, I went to a many a meetings to where I just
listened. I felt guilty for doing that, but my sponsor
reassured me that in time, when the right time
came, I would eventually speak and share from
the heart.

In meetings, they have those that listen and they
have those that speak. We all are there to learn
how to remain sober. Some of us just need to be
quiet to listen and learn to hear the words needed
to grow in recovery.

Because I knew going and sitting in meetings was
my safe haven, a place I felt like I belonged, a place
I didnt feel alone, a place for one hour I could call
my own, to get that "recovery medicine" words
of hope, suggestions to apply to my everyday life.

I also began baking and bringing little things to
eat to my meetings that would go along with the
coffee served everyday. I called that my service
work and helped me feel apart of a recovery
program and fellowship.

Meetings are just one lifeline of many that help
us stay connected to the help and support needed to
guide us, teach us how to remain sober and become
stronger in ourselves and life.

Take small steps and continue to grow by using
your meetings or coming here on a daily bases
to share or read as you begin building a strong
recovery foundation to live upon for yrs to come.

Grab ahold of all or as many recovery lifelines
in recovery and never let go. Even if it means
using SR all the time like many of us do today.

Stay strong, responsible and keep an openmind
to all the possibilities to helping you achieve health
happiness and honesty in all your affairs.

Support and care are always in your corner.

DriGuy

This is actually a relief for me to hear. We can all deal with some drama, but recognizing it in ourselves puts the drama in perspective. And it's good to recognize emotions are transitory in nature. You don't need to be a Mr. Spock. There just needs to be a balance between emotion and reason. I know from personal experience that running my life on emotion can lead to problems. It seems better to stop and think, once in awhile at least.