I know this isn't good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
I know this isn't good.
So.. the other day, couldn't get out of bed.
Seriously thinking about ways to not have to wake up again. Then re-thinking, then getting a little scared about where my thinking was leading me.
As some of you know, I left xrabf (now smoking pot 24/7) at the end of August, quit my job of 13 years and moved across the country.
Don't get me wrong, I KNEW all of this would be tough, but I had no idea I would literally fight every single minute of the day to keep on going.
I drove to an Alanon meeting.. no one was there. It took me an hour to get there (I'm apparently on the wrong side of the lake near Austin) and literally the church was locked up tight.
I've applied for over 30 jobs.. nothing.. nada.. not even 1 phone call.
I'm not going to lie, this is probably the lowest of the low.
My parents who are in their 70's are getting afraid to leave the house without me. Dang. I was a highly motivated, independent person. I say was because right now I feel like I am a burden. What on earth am I doing, what was I thinking??
Seriously thinking about ways to not have to wake up again. Then re-thinking, then getting a little scared about where my thinking was leading me.
As some of you know, I left xrabf (now smoking pot 24/7) at the end of August, quit my job of 13 years and moved across the country.
Don't get me wrong, I KNEW all of this would be tough, but I had no idea I would literally fight every single minute of the day to keep on going.
I drove to an Alanon meeting.. no one was there. It took me an hour to get there (I'm apparently on the wrong side of the lake near Austin) and literally the church was locked up tight.
I've applied for over 30 jobs.. nothing.. nada.. not even 1 phone call.
I'm not going to lie, this is probably the lowest of the low.
My parents who are in their 70's are getting afraid to leave the house without me. Dang. I was a highly motivated, independent person. I say was because right now I feel like I am a burden. What on earth am I doing, what was I thinking??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Whoaaa! Sounds like some serious negative talk there and I completely and totally get it. Seems like everything is going nowhere and you jumped out of the fire in to what?
So what you are doing is trying to get a foothold in a new place and that is not easy, but it is absolutely do-able.
I hope, first of all that you will call your local Al-Anon meeting and double check the times and try to get to a meeting as soon as possible. You need support. Speaking of which, have you looked for a job search support group? You never know what you might find there.
Have you submitted your resume to anyone to have it reviewed? Perhaps there is something you are missing? Maybe not, maybe times are just tight work-wise where you are. Maybe the fact that you have been living out of the area for sometime is a negative? Perhaps remove the city name from your most recent employer, so when people skim your resume they don't think - hmm flight risk! Just small things like that can make a big difference.
Your thinking should concern you and it's good that you are talking about it and that you really notice it. A trip to a GP at least would be a great place to start to explain how you are feeling. You sound a bit depressed, perhaps a depression support group would also be a good idea.
So - Al-Anon, depression support, job search support.
What about fun? Have you checked out meet-up online? They have groups for everything meeting up all the time - board games, coffee - hiking, live music, dinner theatre, pretty much anything you can think of they have a group meeting up. Even if money is a concern, coffee meet ups (whose knows, maybe someone will have a contact with an employer) and hiking or walking are low cost.
I'm guessing you used to live in the area, do you have a social network at all?
Anyway, just a few thoughts, hope it's somewhat helpful. What do you think would help?
So what you are doing is trying to get a foothold in a new place and that is not easy, but it is absolutely do-able.
I hope, first of all that you will call your local Al-Anon meeting and double check the times and try to get to a meeting as soon as possible. You need support. Speaking of which, have you looked for a job search support group? You never know what you might find there.
Have you submitted your resume to anyone to have it reviewed? Perhaps there is something you are missing? Maybe not, maybe times are just tight work-wise where you are. Maybe the fact that you have been living out of the area for sometime is a negative? Perhaps remove the city name from your most recent employer, so when people skim your resume they don't think - hmm flight risk! Just small things like that can make a big difference.
Your thinking should concern you and it's good that you are talking about it and that you really notice it. A trip to a GP at least would be a great place to start to explain how you are feeling. You sound a bit depressed, perhaps a depression support group would also be a good idea.
So - Al-Anon, depression support, job search support.
What about fun? Have you checked out meet-up online? They have groups for everything meeting up all the time - board games, coffee - hiking, live music, dinner theatre, pretty much anything you can think of they have a group meeting up. Even if money is a concern, coffee meet ups (whose knows, maybe someone will have a contact with an employer) and hiking or walking are low cost.
I'm guessing you used to live in the area, do you have a social network at all?
Anyway, just a few thoughts, hope it's somewhat helpful. What do you think would help?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Emmalyn I remember the first week after my ex-fiance broke with me. I was sleeping and the phone rang. The person was calling my parents and I was so angry at her because she had just interrupted a dream where my ex-F still loved me. Why did she wake me up?
Going even further back, I also remember times when it would take me two /three hours to get out of bed because I didn't want to face the day. Sometimes I had these suicide fantasies that were quite gruesome. It was an accomplishment just to brush my teeth. It got so bad that my college got involved, and when I left campus for more than 24 hours I had to call them to let them know I was alive.
I was so depressed I made mistake after mistake, and that just made things a million times worse.
And even now almost thirty years later I get those days. And it's horrible when it happens. But the good thing in all of this is that I do have thirty years of experience that has taught me how to cope, how to deal, even when I feel like crap. I have my bag of tricks and mantras that I use to get out of that bed. And even as I sometimes resent that I even _need_ a bag of tricks I'm grateful that I gave myself the time and patience to find out what worked.
In regards to the jobs, since you're around Austin, you may want to consider Workforce Solutions Capital Area. They provide free career development services and on occasion host job fairs. I can't personally vouch for their services since I'm not from the area. However, I do have acquaintances who used local government workforce development services to help them find jobs.
Also, if your finances allow, you may want to consider volunteering somewhere until you find employment. It may allow you the time to heal before embarking upon the next phase of your job search. At the very least, it will give your day some structure which is what you may need at the moment.
Gosh I wish I could give you a hug (if you're into hugs).
Going even further back, I also remember times when it would take me two /three hours to get out of bed because I didn't want to face the day. Sometimes I had these suicide fantasies that were quite gruesome. It was an accomplishment just to brush my teeth. It got so bad that my college got involved, and when I left campus for more than 24 hours I had to call them to let them know I was alive.
I was so depressed I made mistake after mistake, and that just made things a million times worse.
And even now almost thirty years later I get those days. And it's horrible when it happens. But the good thing in all of this is that I do have thirty years of experience that has taught me how to cope, how to deal, even when I feel like crap. I have my bag of tricks and mantras that I use to get out of that bed. And even as I sometimes resent that I even _need_ a bag of tricks I'm grateful that I gave myself the time and patience to find out what worked.
In regards to the jobs, since you're around Austin, you may want to consider Workforce Solutions Capital Area. They provide free career development services and on occasion host job fairs. I can't personally vouch for their services since I'm not from the area. However, I do have acquaintances who used local government workforce development services to help them find jobs.
Also, if your finances allow, you may want to consider volunteering somewhere until you find employment. It may allow you the time to heal before embarking upon the next phase of your job search. At the very least, it will give your day some structure which is what you may need at the moment.
Gosh I wish I could give you a hug (if you're into hugs).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Emmalyn, I think my post sounded all rah rah rah.
You are having trouble getting out of bed and are at least a bit depressed and I just suggested 3 groups and a GP. At this point all of that is probably just overwhelming.
Baby steps. What I was actually saying is you have options and I hope you will keep reaching out for support, here and through other avenues. If right now the only things you are comfortable with is Al-Anon and posting here, then hey, that's a huge step forward right there.
I just want you to know that what you did and what you are doing is very brave and it is really hard sometimes. You are going to be ok, it will not always look this bleak.
(Didn't even mention your parents - show them the meetup website!)
You are having trouble getting out of bed and are at least a bit depressed and I just suggested 3 groups and a GP. At this point all of that is probably just overwhelming.
Baby steps. What I was actually saying is you have options and I hope you will keep reaching out for support, here and through other avenues. If right now the only things you are comfortable with is Al-Anon and posting here, then hey, that's a huge step forward right there.
I just want you to know that what you did and what you are doing is very brave and it is really hard sometimes. You are going to be ok, it will not always look this bleak.
(Didn't even mention your parents - show them the meetup website!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Emmalyn,
First you are not a burden to anyone. You did a major life change. You moved across the country, you quit your job,You found the courage to leave a Alcoholic/ Pot using boyfriend who didn't treat you the way you should of been treated. You did the right thing. You needed to do this for yourself. If you had stayed it would have gotten worse.
I know the Independent, Motivated person is still in there. She is just in a slump, do to all the stuff that has happened to her in the past 5 years. It's hard to get past this. You feel like you made all the wrong choices. You didn't make any wrong choices. You did the best you could. You can't help that who you fell for an Alcoholic/pot smoking boyfriend. You tried to get him to change. He had to want to change. There was nothing you could of done. You can get past it just takes time. One day at a time.
I know you feel like your world is falling apart and your bed is the safest spot for you. You have had some tough past couple of weeks. The job search is tough. I remember when I got out of tech school. No one was hiring. I sent out so many applications and resumes and not one response. Not even an interview to even get a little practice interviewing. It pains me to say this, but I got a job selling Vacuums door to door. I only lasted a week. And that was just training on how to sell a $1000 dollar vacuum to people. I just couldn't do it. I tried and staid for the whole training, but didn't feel right. I then found a temp=Agency, Did a simple questionnaire and did a typing test. In less then a week I had my first temp job. which led to other temp jobs, which led to full time employment at a job. I still sent out my resumes to try to find a job I trained for, but I felt like I was moving in the right direction with just working. So I would skip the door to door vacuum selling and go to a temp-agency.
I'm sorry about you Al-Anon. That is odd that no one was there. I would not give up. Try and find another one. Contact the closest Al-anon office to confirm ones that are active. It will help you. It has helped me. We are here for you. take all of our advice that don't give up. You life will change. It just takes time. Go for a walk, Listen to some music you . Try and clear your head. Be strong. Have a great day.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
First you are not a burden to anyone. You did a major life change. You moved across the country, you quit your job,You found the courage to leave a Alcoholic/ Pot using boyfriend who didn't treat you the way you should of been treated. You did the right thing. You needed to do this for yourself. If you had stayed it would have gotten worse.
I know the Independent, Motivated person is still in there. She is just in a slump, do to all the stuff that has happened to her in the past 5 years. It's hard to get past this. You feel like you made all the wrong choices. You didn't make any wrong choices. You did the best you could. You can't help that who you fell for an Alcoholic/pot smoking boyfriend. You tried to get him to change. He had to want to change. There was nothing you could of done. You can get past it just takes time. One day at a time.
I know you feel like your world is falling apart and your bed is the safest spot for you. You have had some tough past couple of weeks. The job search is tough. I remember when I got out of tech school. No one was hiring. I sent out so many applications and resumes and not one response. Not even an interview to even get a little practice interviewing. It pains me to say this, but I got a job selling Vacuums door to door. I only lasted a week. And that was just training on how to sell a $1000 dollar vacuum to people. I just couldn't do it. I tried and staid for the whole training, but didn't feel right. I then found a temp=Agency, Did a simple questionnaire and did a typing test. In less then a week I had my first temp job. which led to other temp jobs, which led to full time employment at a job. I still sent out my resumes to try to find a job I trained for, but I felt like I was moving in the right direction with just working. So I would skip the door to door vacuum selling and go to a temp-agency.
I'm sorry about you Al-Anon. That is odd that no one was there. I would not give up. Try and find another one. Contact the closest Al-anon office to confirm ones that are active. It will help you. It has helped me. We are here for you. take all of our advice that don't give up. You life will change. It just takes time. Go for a walk, Listen to some music you . Try and clear your head. Be strong. Have a great day.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So many of us have been there. I certainly have. Seeing a doctor can be a big help and also picking up the phone and calling a sympathetic friend or family member. This will pass, I promise you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Ive been there too, and could easily return.
I make sure I exercise regularly. Its not pretty, and Im no olympic athlete, but a walk for me lifts my mood. Maybe walk somewhere and force yourself to say hello to a passer by?
You've made a huge change. Be proud of youself for recognising you were in the toxicity, and keeping on going to get yourself out of it.
I make sure I exercise regularly. Its not pretty, and Im no olympic athlete, but a walk for me lifts my mood. Maybe walk somewhere and force yourself to say hello to a passer by?
You've made a huge change. Be proud of youself for recognising you were in the toxicity, and keeping on going to get yourself out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Thank you for your responses. I've been reading them on and off all day.. I've got this brain fog that is freaking exhausting and it takes a lot to think clearly.
I really want to have this positive mindset and when I read what you all have been through it makes zero sense that I am as depressed as I am.
I was reading on here last night another poster who said she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. The last decade of my life has been involved with addicts, my codependency blah blah blah. If I told you how heartily sick I am of myself would you be surprised? Have I seriously made this same mistake with multiple relationships in my life? The answer is yes, I have.
Married my first hubby because I felt sorry for him. Have two great boys (well adults now) from that marriage. Married hubby number two 9 years later because the man I was truly in love with was a full blown alcoholic and wouldn't have me. I am not kidding.. I offered myself on a platter for that man. 16 months later I found that hubby number two had a personality disorder. Abuse ensued. Divorced hubby number two, a year later started dating my now recovering alcoholic boyfriend.
He relapsed early on. Spent six months watching him kill himself with alcohol. Walked away.. he went back into recovery. Came back together and he was off of alcohol for the past five years. But.. the weed crept in. He was unemployed for 4 of the 5 years we were together. I disregarded the weed usage, believing it would go away. It didn't.
So I left. And here I am. There is no way I can trust myself with relationship choices any more. I'm too old now and here has been too many mistakes in that regard. I really wanted to spend this time with myself and figure out who I am again.. you know? Just me without someone else's problems to fix or focus on. But I am telling you, this is so tough. I can think of a thousand other things I'd rather do than fail at what I am doing at this time.
I turned 51 in August. I figure I have maybe another good 20 or 30 years on this planet is that enough time to do what I need to do now? I think thats what makes it so depressing for me. I've lost hope that things can be different.
Ok, pity party is done for tonight. Thanks for making this a place where I can get this stuff out of my head and into the stratosphere.
I'm not even living with my ex anymore.. so him being high or the fear of relapse isn't even real in my day to day but yet it is still there, because it's me that is the problem, isn't it?
I want to curse!!! I want to be a different person, I want that gdarned reset button. I don't want this to be my legacy.
This is an awful post. Sorry folks.
I really want to have this positive mindset and when I read what you all have been through it makes zero sense that I am as depressed as I am.
I was reading on here last night another poster who said she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. The last decade of my life has been involved with addicts, my codependency blah blah blah. If I told you how heartily sick I am of myself would you be surprised? Have I seriously made this same mistake with multiple relationships in my life? The answer is yes, I have.
Married my first hubby because I felt sorry for him. Have two great boys (well adults now) from that marriage. Married hubby number two 9 years later because the man I was truly in love with was a full blown alcoholic and wouldn't have me. I am not kidding.. I offered myself on a platter for that man. 16 months later I found that hubby number two had a personality disorder. Abuse ensued. Divorced hubby number two, a year later started dating my now recovering alcoholic boyfriend.
He relapsed early on. Spent six months watching him kill himself with alcohol. Walked away.. he went back into recovery. Came back together and he was off of alcohol for the past five years. But.. the weed crept in. He was unemployed for 4 of the 5 years we were together. I disregarded the weed usage, believing it would go away. It didn't.
So I left. And here I am. There is no way I can trust myself with relationship choices any more. I'm too old now and here has been too many mistakes in that regard. I really wanted to spend this time with myself and figure out who I am again.. you know? Just me without someone else's problems to fix or focus on. But I am telling you, this is so tough. I can think of a thousand other things I'd rather do than fail at what I am doing at this time.
I turned 51 in August. I figure I have maybe another good 20 or 30 years on this planet is that enough time to do what I need to do now? I think thats what makes it so depressing for me. I've lost hope that things can be different.
Ok, pity party is done for tonight. Thanks for making this a place where I can get this stuff out of my head and into the stratosphere.
I'm not even living with my ex anymore.. so him being high or the fear of relapse isn't even real in my day to day but yet it is still there, because it's me that is the problem, isn't it?
I want to curse!!! I want to be a different person, I want that gdarned reset button. I don't want this to be my legacy.
This is an awful post. Sorry folks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
I'm going to try this again.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply, your responses were so helpful.
It has been hard making myself do things, go places, talk to people. I made my bed this morning so I couldn't go back and lie down without messing up the stupid decorative pillows.
I took my pup to the park and waded in a stream.
There is an Alanon meeting on Tues night that I will commit to getting my arse to.
I have time to find a job, (someplace that really deserves me- smirk), without becoming financially bankrupt.
These things are not catastrophic. I am healthy, I am spending time with my mom and dad.. even though they still make me feel like a sulky teenager hiding out in her bedroom playing records too loudly.
I have not made good choices in relationship partners, so from now on I will just have good friends who like to kayak.
And I need to buy a kayak. And learn how to use one.
Back to square one.
E
Thank you all for taking the time to reply, your responses were so helpful.
It has been hard making myself do things, go places, talk to people. I made my bed this morning so I couldn't go back and lie down without messing up the stupid decorative pillows.
I took my pup to the park and waded in a stream.
There is an Alanon meeting on Tues night that I will commit to getting my arse to.
I have time to find a job, (someplace that really deserves me- smirk), without becoming financially bankrupt.
These things are not catastrophic. I am healthy, I am spending time with my mom and dad.. even though they still make me feel like a sulky teenager hiding out in her bedroom playing records too loudly.
I have not made good choices in relationship partners, so from now on I will just have good friends who like to kayak.
And I need to buy a kayak. And learn how to use one.
Back to square one.
E
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
lol - yay kayak!
You could always become a nun. kidding (well I mean you can if you want to of course).
The feelings you are having right now are completely normal I think and the fact that you actually made your bed and went out with your dog is progress. It's small step time, you are still grieving what was supposed to be, give yourself time. At times like that I have been known to just hide out in my office and talk on the phone and when not doing that play mindless computer games. Sometimes we just need to do that and there is nothing wrong with it.
So you look at your past relationships and think what, I'm going to spend the next 10 years sorting this out then what! Well, you know, you don't have to have a major psychological archaeological investigation, in my opinion. You can go in so deep that you go to therapy regularly and learn how to parent your inner child and unravel why you do what you do and why you choose who you choose.
Or just the fact that you realize what you are doing may be enough to have you on the right path - you see it now and maybe that is good enough.
Now, I am not discounting inner child work or any other kind of work you or anyone else does, I think it's all of benefit, just that not everyone wants to do that, so just do what you can.
What was your upbringing like? Did you grow up in a household with an addict or other dysfunction? If so, ACOA materials might shed some light and make you feel more sure footed. I think your commitment to making Al-Anon meetings is really great, that will help.
Anyway, that's just my take on it.
You could always become a nun. kidding (well I mean you can if you want to of course).
The feelings you are having right now are completely normal I think and the fact that you actually made your bed and went out with your dog is progress. It's small step time, you are still grieving what was supposed to be, give yourself time. At times like that I have been known to just hide out in my office and talk on the phone and when not doing that play mindless computer games. Sometimes we just need to do that and there is nothing wrong with it.
So you look at your past relationships and think what, I'm going to spend the next 10 years sorting this out then what! Well, you know, you don't have to have a major psychological archaeological investigation, in my opinion. You can go in so deep that you go to therapy regularly and learn how to parent your inner child and unravel why you do what you do and why you choose who you choose.
Or just the fact that you realize what you are doing may be enough to have you on the right path - you see it now and maybe that is good enough.
Now, I am not discounting inner child work or any other kind of work you or anyone else does, I think it's all of benefit, just that not everyone wants to do that, so just do what you can.
What was your upbringing like? Did you grow up in a household with an addict or other dysfunction? If so, ACOA materials might shed some light and make you feel more sure footed. I think your commitment to making Al-Anon meetings is really great, that will help.
Anyway, that's just my take on it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
sounds like you had a better day. Im quite a fan of big european sized pillows lol.
maybe you nade some choices in the past that you regret. You recognize that now - isnt that a great start?
Forgive yourself and move forward.
Ive been in therapy for about a year, and making really good progress.
im not far behind you in age. We're in our prime!!!! And, 20-30 years is a long time. We've got lots of time to experience wonderful things. When you are ready to repartner, you dont need to settle for what he wants. Find out what you want and dont settle for less. Age is just a number.
And today is the first day of the rest of your life. ❤
maybe you nade some choices in the past that you regret. You recognize that now - isnt that a great start?
Forgive yourself and move forward.
Ive been in therapy for about a year, and making really good progress.
im not far behind you in age. We're in our prime!!!! And, 20-30 years is a long time. We've got lots of time to experience wonderful things. When you are ready to repartner, you dont need to settle for what he wants. Find out what you want and dont settle for less. Age is just a number.
And today is the first day of the rest of your life. ❤
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Emmalyn,
I'm so sorry you are having such a low time right now! And as others have said, we get it. Many of us have been there. We are here for you to vent to, cry to, lean on...
I'm a few years older than you. I've been married and divorced. I remarried a wonderful, wonderful man...and he died 6 years later. I found myself on my own again. Starting over--again.
I've been helped by counseling on a few occasions in my life--my grief being one of them. Can't recommend finding a good counselor enough.
And you know what? I am not too old to find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life--I'm not too old to live the life I imagine. So, if I'm not too old, you are not to old. There is plenty of time to live a good life--the kind of life you imagine!
I'm so sorry you are having such a low time right now! And as others have said, we get it. Many of us have been there. We are here for you to vent to, cry to, lean on...
I'm a few years older than you. I've been married and divorced. I remarried a wonderful, wonderful man...and he died 6 years later. I found myself on my own again. Starting over--again.
I've been helped by counseling on a few occasions in my life--my grief being one of them. Can't recommend finding a good counselor enough.
And you know what? I am not too old to find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life--I'm not too old to live the life I imagine. So, if I'm not too old, you are not to old. There is plenty of time to live a good life--the kind of life you imagine!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Emmalyn
You have just experienced three of the biggest changes in life possible: the breakup of a long term relationship, leaving a long term job, and moving cross-country.
You have survived not one, but THREE big stressors and YOU have SURVIVED.
It is perfectly understandable to be scared and drained at a time like this. I am glad you have your parents there to support you.
Ride this out, and things will get better. I bet this time next year, you will have some victory stories to share.
You have just experienced three of the biggest changes in life possible: the breakup of a long term relationship, leaving a long term job, and moving cross-country.
You have survived not one, but THREE big stressors and YOU have SURVIVED.
It is perfectly understandable to be scared and drained at a time like this. I am glad you have your parents there to support you.
Ride this out, and things will get better. I bet this time next year, you will have some victory stories to share.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
You are doing fantastic! You made the big scary choices and thats amazing. What a blessing to have time to find a job. IME giving myself time to experience all of the emotions, disappointments and stress has been life changing. I learned to ask for help, own my story, and set my boundaries. One thing that helped me ..... Is no matter what the issue was, if someone asked me to attend something (new town) I said yes. Let me tell you I am a homebody introvert, I literally wanted to be alone/ hideout for months and months but I knew thats a very slippery slope. I forced myself to say yes to everything. The blessings started rolling in when I started saying yes. I found out my community has a heated pool, exercise classes, etc for 2$ a day, I now attend free yoga classes weekly, my new neighbors (multiple) feed me 2x a week, I have been introduced for a new place to volunteer, I have a financial planner, accountant , and a headhunter taking care of my future issues, all because I said yes. I challenge you to say YES.
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