Burnt out, or close to it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Burnt out, or close to it
Hi All,
Well life is going on for me and my daughter. A new school year is upon us, starting grade 6 and it is intense!! Loads of homework, and it's a french immersion program and I know nothing of French. Back in the day the EXAW was going to be the go to...that didn't work out so well.
Things with the EXAW have been not good. She is still drinking. I have tried for the last 2 weeks to have her see our daughter but she was falling down drunk. I wish she could pull it together. She was supposed to enter in patient treatment but now that seems to have fallen off the table. My stomach is turning and I feel so much sadness for her as she continues to find new lows. I think of her 24 hour chip she carries and my heart goes out to her...
My daughter continues to see her counsellor and for the most part is taking things in stride...but who really knows. I know for sure I am feeling very overwhelmed. Work is crazy right now, I am just barely treading water, and I need to get work done at home but the homework for daughter is intense!! Add that to the sadness I am feeling for my EX who is tanking and losing her daughter and herself by the day.
Tomorrow, my friends are taking DD to their place after work so I can take care of work...but I am so maxed out right now. Things should get better, they always do, but for now it sucks.
Well life is going on for me and my daughter. A new school year is upon us, starting grade 6 and it is intense!! Loads of homework, and it's a french immersion program and I know nothing of French. Back in the day the EXAW was going to be the go to...that didn't work out so well.
Things with the EXAW have been not good. She is still drinking. I have tried for the last 2 weeks to have her see our daughter but she was falling down drunk. I wish she could pull it together. She was supposed to enter in patient treatment but now that seems to have fallen off the table. My stomach is turning and I feel so much sadness for her as she continues to find new lows. I think of her 24 hour chip she carries and my heart goes out to her...
My daughter continues to see her counsellor and for the most part is taking things in stride...but who really knows. I know for sure I am feeling very overwhelmed. Work is crazy right now, I am just barely treading water, and I need to get work done at home but the homework for daughter is intense!! Add that to the sadness I am feeling for my EX who is tanking and losing her daughter and herself by the day.
Tomorrow, my friends are taking DD to their place after work so I can take care of work...but I am so maxed out right now. Things should get better, they always do, but for now it sucks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Hang in there
Hi,
I know it seems like times are rough right now. As you said they will get better. Im sorry to hear about you EXAW. That is such a hard spot to be in. I'll tell you what someone once told me. Take care of you. Your no good to anyone if you arent good to yourself first. Here is to hoping it will get better.
I know it seems like times are rough right now. As you said they will get better. Im sorry to hear about you EXAW. That is such a hard spot to be in. I'll tell you what someone once told me. Take care of you. Your no good to anyone if you arent good to yourself first. Here is to hoping it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
Woodlandlost it is great that you are getting DD counseling. I know you are busy but hope you are talking to someone also.
Maybe you can reach out to DD's school and see if there are any homework help groups she can go to? Local libraries frequently offer this program after school. This could take some pressure off you.
Maybe you can reach out to DD's school and see if there are any homework help groups she can go to? Local libraries frequently offer this program after school. This could take some pressure off you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Add that to the sadness I am feeling for my EX who is tanking and losing her daughter and herself by the day.
if you stop trying to feel what you think SHE is feeling and just focus on you and your precious baby girl, you won't feel so overwhelmed. that is HER job.
your job is to be the best parent you can be. your mission, if you choose to accept it is to be THAT.
if you stop trying to feel what you think SHE is feeling and just focus on you and your precious baby girl, you won't feel so overwhelmed. that is HER job.
your job is to be the best parent you can be. your mission, if you choose to accept it is to be THAT.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You have you, your Daughter and a lot of work. You are a single parent.
You also have an alcoholic exwife. Something has to give here right? How about just letting her go be whatever it is she wants to be?
You've tried. If you hadn't that might be kind of cruel. She was your wife, she is your child's Mother. At some point though you need to cut her loose. Why are you trying to get her to see her Daughter? She knows where she is. Forcing her to try to step up helps no one. Perhaps just let her be?
Your side of the street is already busy and actually filled with great things! Your DD starting grade 6 - how great is that! I'm sure the school probably offers some kind of tutoring, perhaps even peer tutoring?
Your Friends are stepping up to help (what nice friends to have!). Ask them for more help perhaps?
You are busy at work, you have a job and it keeps you in your home and provides for your family.
Now, I'm not trying to gloss over the tragedy that is your exAW, not at all, but your life has a cloud hanging over it. Detach, detach (did I mention detach?).
You also have an alcoholic exwife. Something has to give here right? How about just letting her go be whatever it is she wants to be?
You've tried. If you hadn't that might be kind of cruel. She was your wife, she is your child's Mother. At some point though you need to cut her loose. Why are you trying to get her to see her Daughter? She knows where she is. Forcing her to try to step up helps no one. Perhaps just let her be?
Your side of the street is already busy and actually filled with great things! Your DD starting grade 6 - how great is that! I'm sure the school probably offers some kind of tutoring, perhaps even peer tutoring?
Your Friends are stepping up to help (what nice friends to have!). Ask them for more help perhaps?
You are busy at work, you have a job and it keeps you in your home and provides for your family.
Now, I'm not trying to gloss over the tragedy that is your exAW, not at all, but your life has a cloud hanging over it. Detach, detach (did I mention detach?).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Woodlandlost…….I concur with the others who suggest that you get some outside tutoring help for your daughter's homework. You might seek this kind of help in many places....
Yes...as others suggested...the school might be the first place to ask....
Also, an older high school girl or college aged girl who lives in the town....even if they can't come on week nights...perhaps they can come on weekends for help on long assignments.
If there are any senior citizens who live in the town...especially, if they speak French...might have the kind of time, and enjoy tutoring your daughter.
***On a more personal note....I, personally, think it is astonishing, how much pressure is put on parents these days, with their children's school work! My children are all grown, so,, of course, I am "Old School"....lol.....
The parents of school-aged children, that I see, these days, all seem to be pressured and seem to schedule their lives around their children's school work. Their children's school work has become their work, also.
When I was a schoolgirl, the extent of my parent's excursion into my homework was when my parents would ask, at dinner, "What did you learn in school, today?". Or, ask..."Have you done your homework, yet?". Or, say...."No, you can't watch television until your homework is finished"...…
Of course, if I needed help or couldn't understand something....I knew I could ask for help....
This was pretty much the way it was with my own young children....
The world has really changed SO Much, in just m y lifetime....
Yes...as others suggested...the school might be the first place to ask....
Also, an older high school girl or college aged girl who lives in the town....even if they can't come on week nights...perhaps they can come on weekends for help on long assignments.
If there are any senior citizens who live in the town...especially, if they speak French...might have the kind of time, and enjoy tutoring your daughter.
***On a more personal note....I, personally, think it is astonishing, how much pressure is put on parents these days, with their children's school work! My children are all grown, so,, of course, I am "Old School"....lol.....
The parents of school-aged children, that I see, these days, all seem to be pressured and seem to schedule their lives around their children's school work. Their children's school work has become their work, also.
When I was a schoolgirl, the extent of my parent's excursion into my homework was when my parents would ask, at dinner, "What did you learn in school, today?". Or, ask..."Have you done your homework, yet?". Or, say...."No, you can't watch television until your homework is finished"...…
Of course, if I needed help or couldn't understand something....I knew I could ask for help....
This was pretty much the way it was with my own young children....
The world has really changed SO Much, in just m y lifetime....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Woodland
The fact that your Ex is an EX is huge. So many of us on these pages are still struggling with their addict spouses.
You have SO many things going for you. There is nothing wrong with you getting as apathetic about your ex's situation as she is.
The fact that your Ex is an EX is huge. So many of us on these pages are still struggling with their addict spouses.
You have SO many things going for you. There is nothing wrong with you getting as apathetic about your ex's situation as she is.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thanks for checking in WLL, I've been wondering how things were going for you.
I'm sorry things feel so overwhelming right now. But you are right, it will get better.
Learning that I could love from a distance was a sanity saver for me. I still have love in my heart for my AXH, we grew up together, he is the father of my children, we were a couple for twentysixfrikken years! I will always care about him, but it isn't safe for either of us to interact. It was like all sanity (and maturity) went out the window when we tried to stay in contact. There was just too much history and too much hurt. For me to get on with life, and more importantly, get emotionally healthy, I had to let him go live the drinking life he wanted to... and I had to put distance between my heart and his behavior. On the few instances I have had some limited contact with him it has always ended poorly and painfully. Allowing myself to love him but let go of him was a precious gift to myself.
I know it's hard with your daughter still being young and you wanting to maintain a relationship between she and her mother. But as others have said, that isn't your job to take on. Their relationship is between them and not within your control. You just keep being the best dad you can be because that is the only part of the parental equation you have control over.
Hang in there. It takes time. Take care of you.
*hugs*
I'm sorry things feel so overwhelming right now. But you are right, it will get better.
Learning that I could love from a distance was a sanity saver for me. I still have love in my heart for my AXH, we grew up together, he is the father of my children, we were a couple for twentysixfrikken years! I will always care about him, but it isn't safe for either of us to interact. It was like all sanity (and maturity) went out the window when we tried to stay in contact. There was just too much history and too much hurt. For me to get on with life, and more importantly, get emotionally healthy, I had to let him go live the drinking life he wanted to... and I had to put distance between my heart and his behavior. On the few instances I have had some limited contact with him it has always ended poorly and painfully. Allowing myself to love him but let go of him was a precious gift to myself.
I know it's hard with your daughter still being young and you wanting to maintain a relationship between she and her mother. But as others have said, that isn't your job to take on. Their relationship is between them and not within your control. You just keep being the best dad you can be because that is the only part of the parental equation you have control over.
Hang in there. It takes time. Take care of you.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Wow
Smallbutmighty
you said: “It was like all sanity (and maturity) went out the window when we tried to stay in contact. There was just too much history and too much hurt. For me to get on with life, and more importantly, get emotionally healthy.”
that rings so true for me, OMG!!
take todays phone call for example: ex says she would never have kicked me out if the roles were reversed..,,that she deserves someone who loves her and forgives her.... my response: oh so you have someone to go to!!
So much hurt. I feel like a child.
you said: “It was like all sanity (and maturity) went out the window when we tried to stay in contact. There was just too much history and too much hurt. For me to get on with life, and more importantly, get emotionally healthy.”
that rings so true for me, OMG!!
take todays phone call for example: ex says she would never have kicked me out if the roles were reversed..,,that she deserves someone who loves her and forgives her.... my response: oh so you have someone to go to!!
So much hurt. I feel like a child.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
take todays phone call for example: ex says she would never have kicked me out if the roles were reversed..,,that she deserves someone who loves her and forgives her.... my response: oh so you have someone to go to!!
So much hurt. I feel like a child.
You are doing the right thing Mr. Woodland but man oh man does this stuff hurt. Keep taking that next right step and do the best you can to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You are allowing her to abuse you verbally, until you stop allowing that, you are going to get hurt over and over again.
Why are you leaving yourself open to her when she has such power to hurt you and wants to hurt you? That's the key, once you figure that out (or just stop doing it - you can figure out "why" later) you won't be leaving yourself vulnerable to the abuse.
And that's just what it is. I have thought about this a lot. Abandoning (in effect) someone who has a mental illness (as I consider alcoholism) vs say, staying with someone who has depression or might be schizophrenic or bi-polar or suffer from anxiety. What's the difference.
Well really there isn't one. If you lived with a person who had any of the above AND they were abusive to you, eventually, as with alcoholism, you would need to get out of there. It would be the same emotional drain, it would be the same dysfunction and it would have the same negative impact on your child.
So if some kind of guilt is keeping you picking up that phone to be abused, how about letting yourself off the hook. You shouldn't be her punching bag, if for no other reason than it's bad for you and you need to be there for your Daughter, even if you can't do it for yourself - yet.
She is not whomever she used to be, she is who she is now, the woman on the phone yelling at you and telling you how awful you are.
Why are you leaving yourself open to her when she has such power to hurt you and wants to hurt you? That's the key, once you figure that out (or just stop doing it - you can figure out "why" later) you won't be leaving yourself vulnerable to the abuse.
And that's just what it is. I have thought about this a lot. Abandoning (in effect) someone who has a mental illness (as I consider alcoholism) vs say, staying with someone who has depression or might be schizophrenic or bi-polar or suffer from anxiety. What's the difference.
Well really there isn't one. If you lived with a person who had any of the above AND they were abusive to you, eventually, as with alcoholism, you would need to get out of there. It would be the same emotional drain, it would be the same dysfunction and it would have the same negative impact on your child.
So if some kind of guilt is keeping you picking up that phone to be abused, how about letting yourself off the hook. You shouldn't be her punching bag, if for no other reason than it's bad for you and you need to be there for your Daughter, even if you can't do it for yourself - yet.
She is not whomever she used to be, she is who she is now, the woman on the phone yelling at you and telling you how awful you are.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am the working, single mom to two kids. One is 13, the other a young adult in college, but still lives with me. It's hard. Keep reaching out to friends. Build up your network of people who support you and kid. BE HONEST about what you are going through. It takes a village so build yours up.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. We are here, supporting you!
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. We are here, supporting you!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
In a normal relationship, your Ex would be absolutely correct. Relationships with alcoholics are so outside of normal. Perhaps if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't kick you out but if she was the sober parent the right thing would be to kick the alcoholic out. Protecting that kid is way too important.
You are doing the right thing Mr. Woodland but man oh man does this stuff hurt. Keep taking that next right step and do the best you can to take care of yourself.
You are doing the right thing Mr. Woodland but man oh man does this stuff hurt. Keep taking that next right step and do the best you can to take care of yourself.
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