My relationship with my mother now
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Join Date: May 2019
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My relationship with my mother now
I'm at a place where I realise there needs to be changes in my relationship with my mother. I'm not sure where to make them or how to talk to my mother about what we can change but I hope to negotiate so that we both know what's happening. Mostly I think I find it difficult to be around my mother when she is getting very drunk so maybe thinking of asking to only meet her outside of her home or when she restricts her drinking , which she sometimes does.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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The imporant thing to focus on here is your boundary. A boundary is a guideline you make for yourself around what you will and will not tolerate in other people's behavior. It's something only YOU have to know about, as opposed to a rule for how other people should behave, which is unenforceable and therefore isn't likely to bring you peace of mind.
I personally have a boundary of not engaging with people who are drunk or stoned past the point of being able to be present with me (whether on the phone or in person). To enforce my own boundary, I make sure I know how I can and will remove myself from any situation where I find myself in that position.
I think it is reasonable to arrange your time with your mother around her sober hours, but I don't know if there is any point in relating to her that you are going to do that. Just do it, and sooner or later she will get the message.
I personally have a boundary of not engaging with people who are drunk or stoned past the point of being able to be present with me (whether on the phone or in person). To enforce my own boundary, I make sure I know how I can and will remove myself from any situation where I find myself in that position.
I think it is reasonable to arrange your time with your mother around her sober hours, but I don't know if there is any point in relating to her that you are going to do that. Just do it, and sooner or later she will get the message.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 958
Originally Posted by Heather400 
I'm at a place where I realise there needs to be changes in my relationship with my mother. I'm not sure where to make them or how to talk to my mother about what we can change but I hope to negotiate so that we both know what's happening. Mostly I think I find it difficult to be around my mother when she is getting very drunk so maybe thinking of asking to only meet her outside of her home or when she restricts her drinking , which she sometimes does.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Heather400
I'm at a place where I realise there needs to be changes in my relationship with my mother. I'm not sure where to make them or how to talk to my mother about what we can change but I hope to negotiate so that we both know what's happening. Mostly I think I find it difficult to be around my mother when she is getting very drunk so maybe thinking of asking to only meet her outside of her home or when she restricts her drinking , which she sometimes does.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
Thank you
Hi SparkleKitty, StelleBlu and giving back, thank you so much for your posts. I know it's taken me over a year to reply but I wanted to say thank you as your posts did help and encourage me. ❤ xxx
I was very ill for about five months after I wrote this post then I had a lot of anxiety and stress at the start of the lockdown for covid 19 (I live in the UK). Also I relapsed myself with shopping addiction (which I stopped actively doing two months ago).
Hi SparkleKitty , thank you for saying that the important thing is it is my boundary.
Hi StellaBlu, thank you for advising me to follow my conscience.
Hi givingback, thank you for saying the more present you were the better you were able to set boundaries. I'm recovering from alcohol and shopping addiction as well so appreciate how this will help.
I was very ill for about five months after I wrote this post then I had a lot of anxiety and stress at the start of the lockdown for covid 19 (I live in the UK). Also I relapsed myself with shopping addiction (which I stopped actively doing two months ago).
Hi SparkleKitty , thank you for saying that the important thing is it is my boundary.
Hi StellaBlu, thank you for advising me to follow my conscience.
Hi givingback, thank you for saying the more present you were the better you were able to set boundaries. I'm recovering from alcohol and shopping addiction as well so appreciate how this will help.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
Where I am now
This is still emotional to write about. I feel as though I am making progress in myself with recovery and definitely I'm back to having feelings after a relapse with shopping addiction. However I'm not as clear in myself where I want the boundary with my mother to be. In my head I'm thinking I want to be clearer by March 2021. To me the situation with covid 19 has meant the boundaries I want have been less clear - partly because my mother is a pensioner and I want to help her through this difficult time, partly because I have felt lonely and wanted to be in contact with my mother.
Having written this I feel sad and think this will take time but glad I could write about it here.
Having written this I feel sad and think this will take time but glad I could write about it here.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
My last message today I have gone no contact with my mothe
After I read my last message I realised that I was having difficult feelings as the covid situation was prolonging the codependent relationship with my mother. Since then my mother said something nasty to me that i felt very upset and hurt about. Over a week later I called my mother to say I was sorry for my part in what she was angry about - and as our relationship is and has been codependent I do think I had something to apologise for.
That was yesterday. Today i was still hurt so in a phone call with my mother I said what I was upset about , my mother didn't want to say sorry - when I said what it was as it was what she thought. When I said I would have to see how I feel but I would text her she said that was big of me then as we talked she said we only talk when I want to - which is true. So I said I wouldn't contact her now as I would be no contact. I will try to continue this in the friends and family section. I do feel upset, remorse and sorry really that we can't be in contact.
That was yesterday. Today i was still hurt so in a phone call with my mother I said what I was upset about , my mother didn't want to say sorry - when I said what it was as it was what she thought. When I said I would have to see how I feel but I would text her she said that was big of me then as we talked she said we only talk when I want to - which is true. So I said I wouldn't contact her now as I would be no contact. I will try to continue this in the friends and family section. I do feel upset, remorse and sorry really that we can't be in contact.
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