It's just a Mug.

Old 10-15-2019, 07:40 AM
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It's just a Mug.

First off sorry for the long post.

So I have been working the steps,an "Letting Go and Letting God" handle things i have kept inside. Things that were no good for my heart and soul. I have been able to let go a lot of things my AW has done. The emotional affairs, The manipulation of me to get what she wanted, Lying to me, Making me feel i had to say sorry, when it was her that caused this issue and her not even saying sorry. With the stuff I have learned in Al-Anon and the two phrase "let go and let god" and also Hopeful4 quote "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received". I have been able to let go of so much. Except I'm having an issue with one thing. One thing I can't seem to get out of my head. So let me tell you the story first .

Back at the end of June, Max Scherzer, pitcher for the Washington Nationals, suffered a broken nose and black eye. But still pitched the next day with a broken nose. Not sure how he did it(Awesome dedication from him). Well about 2 week later a package arrives for my wife. I'm sitting on the sofa and she is on the other side of the room on the chair. She opens up the shipping box and calls my oldest daughter up. She hands her a box from inside the shipping box. She opens the box and it a Max Scherzer mug with a black eye. (see below) She is a big Max Scherzer fan. She then put the shipping box aside. We talk a bit and I have to go take my youngest daughter to the church. I decide to grab the shipping box off the table to place in the garage with all the other recycle boxes. I pick it up and notice and say " oh it's not empty" She looks at me with this face and and after a too long of a pause in my book says "Dammit! That was suppose to be a surprise gift for you". I leave the shipping box where it is and leave with my daughter. I come back home and the box is off the table and what looks like another mug box has been moved to the bedroom dresser. I don't touch it and wait for her to give it to me. After it sitting there a week she says "are you going to take your mug to work". Doesn't give it to me just states that in not so nice a tone. It was the same mug my daughter received after i opened it up. I take it "say thanks" and it's been sitting on my desk at work.

So you ask why the story about a mug. Well back in July she was still smitten with the guy from church who was manipulating her, bring her up and then tearing her back down. She had not started AA yet. She was always apologizing to him. I know cause she would be upset that her "friend" made her upset, but it was OK know and she had apologized. The friend got more apologizes in a few months then I think I have had in 20 years of marriage. I think this Mug was a gift to him to apologize or make amends for a fight they had. I don't know ( guessing here). Then when I picked up the box to throw it out she had to think of something fast since she didn't give to me at the same time as my daughter. Grant it their we no holidays or my birthday any where close. She also never gets me surprise gifts or even little notes to surprise me and bring a smile to my day. Grant It, I don't surprise her with gifts as much as i wish i did. I do put notes every now and then in the lunches I pack her for work. Buy her flowers every now and then just because. I'm a romantic at heart.

The problem I'm having is we are at a great place right now. She is continuing her AA making great progress and me my Al-Anon. We feel happier then we have been in a long time. I just can't seem to let go of the mug issue. Which I think to myself is silly. It's just a mug. I have let go and let my higher power deal with a lot bigger issues, why will this one not let go?

I know it's not about the mug, but about trust and deceit. Wish i could say oh it fell off the desk and broke, Problem solved, but the little voice inside of me that thinks it's actually a gift from her says that is wrong. I'm not sure what I will do about this. I want to get past this, but not sure how. I hope I can get some advice from you great people out there. I'm staying strong. Have a beautiful day.
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Old 10-15-2019, 07:57 AM
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I think you are probably right and I would throw the mug in the garbage. Not your garbage - the big dumpster outside!

You are probably having a hard time letting it (the feelings) go because it is sitting in front of you every day staring back at you.

Yes it's just an inanimate object, but it's a reminder. As for it being a gift. That's something to work on there I think? It's a coffee mug, not her Father's graduation ring (or some other family heirloom).

And it's ugly lol
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Old 10-15-2019, 08:00 AM
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I feel for you today. I think after we have been through betrayal it doesn't take much to trigger it and then start questioning everything. I have done it numerous times. She could be feeling some of that apprehensiveness in you? She may have some guilt floating around and not know how to address it and the mug just brought it out?
You sound like you are happy and you both are doing great trying to repair your lives. There will always be those issues in the background. One day at a time. I hope you have a better day today.
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Old 10-15-2019, 08:23 AM
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I know I should just throw it big dumpster. You are probably right Trailmix. Go with my Gut. It is only a mug. I have three others I received on birthdays and Christmas on my desk. I don't even have it on my desk. Its in my cubicles upper storage bin. Part of me can't stand to look at it and the other part can't git rid of it. UGG!!!

We are both happy Healingbegins. We still talk a lot. I wish more, but that would mean she would have to put down her phone and ask me a question. She gets to addicted to it also. Have had that argument once, not ready to go back there yet. Was not pretty. I don't think she is ready to admit that she has a problem with that also. One addiction at a time. I tell myself. Let her get herself in a better place with her alcohol addiction and then I can bring this one up again. But yes I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks,
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Old 10-15-2019, 08:30 AM
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I think anything with such negative energy attached to it should be got rid of.

All the best to you.
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Old 10-15-2019, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by ironwill View Post
Part of me can't stand to look at it and the other part can't git rid of it. UGG!!!
Ah but you can. You have to steel yourself sometimes you know?

There is nothing good about that mug. It has no nice memory attached to it, in fact quite the opposite.

Bottom line, you are punishing yourself. Now why would you do that?
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Old 10-15-2019, 10:24 AM
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You are right trailmix. I'm punishing myself with it. I just need to get rid of it and move on. You are so great and insiteful. Thanks for your help. The check is in the mail. Have a great day and be stro.
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Old 10-15-2019, 10:27 AM
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Very respectfully, you only know if you are happy. Just you. She may be happy, but all you know is what she's showing you and the world-- no more, no less. One of the keys to recovery is keeping your focus on you and not speaking for others. We can't know anybody else's feelings, we can only know what they show and what they say and, even then, have to put it in the context of our lives together.
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Old 10-15-2019, 10:52 AM
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ironwill…...as I am reading your story about the mug....my first thoughts are different than the other responses that you have received, I think.....
This is my thought......communication is the thing that brings relationships together and keeps them viable....according to my experience, at least.
And, to be sure, it sometimes takes a wiliness to be vulnerable in order to be completely open in our communications to another person.....and, I know how scary that can be, when the stakes feel high.
This, obviously is an incident that has hurt your deeply.....so much so, that you are carrying that hurt around in your heart. I think that in a "normal" healthy marriage, that the wounded party would tell the other party everything that you told US in your story. Lay their feelings out on the table, for the other party to know.....
The only way to feel really known and "seen" is to be able to honestly express ourselves...All of our feelings...even the angry and hurt ones....
Otherwise, the fabric of the relationship becomes littered with festering resentments....and that pushes us farther apart, rather than closer together.
I think that once a relationship has been affected by a betrayal.....it takes time and work to repair...;and, I think that the wounded party doesn't feel trust until they know that the "aggressor" understands and really gets the hurt that they inflicted (intentional or not)…..and can communicate genuine sorror for what they did...….
None of this can happen without both parties doing their respective parts of open, vulnerable and honest communication...….lol....the key words in that sentence is "both parties"...…

On another angle....the thread that I notice throughout your mug story and some other of your posts is that you feel so emotionally neglected by your wife...even aside from the issue of her emotional affairs...….
As if you are crying out for her to show you evidence that she cares about you.....to show that you are IMPORTANT to her...…
If I am correct about this.....does she know this?.....have you made it very clear to her that you feel this way?
If you haven't.....can you say why not....?

I know that you and your wife have had a lot of water under the bridge, in your marriage.....probably a lot of scars on both sides, I would imagine.....
Would the two of you be willing to undertake marriage counseling, down the road, with a licensed, professional marriage therapist? I am not talking just a generalist counselor....but an experienced specialist.....I think that makes a big difference.....

***There is a book that I think would be very provocative for you to read....it is called "The 5 Love Languages"....it has been around for a long time and is considered a classic book, by now. It is really eye opening for most people...basically, anyone who is married...lol!...…
I know it gave me a lot of room for thought and, really helped me, a lot.....I gained a deeper understanding of my husband for having read it.....lol...I think it would be a good wedding gift for anyone getting married......
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Old 10-15-2019, 12:44 PM
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Dandylion,

Thankyou for your insight. Yes, I understand what you are saying about mug and talking with my wife about it. I'm not ready to have a discussion over a stupid mug.

I told her awhile back when everything blew up that I felt lonely. That I did the things i did for her to show my feelings towards her. It was my way of showing love. Before that time, I was never one to be wordy with or show my emotions. I usually kept them bottled inside. Then after everything blew up it was like some type of switch in my head was flicked the other way. To give you an example: My daughter was heading off to college. I had said many a times she was heading off. Didn't bother me. Then about 2 week after we had our big blew up and about 2 weeks before she was about to leave. I was talking to a church member at the laundry mat (washer was out at home) and she ask me about her and I chocked up. Strange for me I thought. Then by the time I got home. I couldn't even say her name without crying. Just thinking it would bring tears. Something not like me at all. I'm the stable one in all situations. Almost robot like.

I know express my emotions more to my wife and don't keep them bottle up. I still wish i words came out of me more freely. I have always been the quiet type and just listen. You wouldn't know it from all my post here. It has something I have been working on big time since I started Al-Anon. I realize that was one of the things that was hurting our marriage was the communication. While it's still not perfect it's getting better. Just this weekend I told her that I loved our times that we communicate so freely. I can see the sparkle in her eyes when we are having these talks. It brings great joy to my heart as well. I have heard of that book. I have not read it. I have taken the love language test and have shared it with my wife. She was socked at the order I see love. It has helped her to know how I perceive love. She has taken it also. Which has helped me.

Thanks for helping. Be strong and have a great day.
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Old 10-15-2019, 03:03 PM
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ironwill……put another way....it is not about a "stupid mug".....the way I see it, it is about feelings unexpressed. I don't think that it is the first time that you have held in your hurt feelings, from interactions with your wife.
Like the saying...."If you are arguing about the bedroom slippers, you are really arguing about something bigger that you are too afraid to discuss"...…
to be very candid....I would think that most women would find being with an "almost robot-like" partner to be less than satisfying....I know that I would. In fact, I divorced my first husband, in part because he was so emotionally unavailable....(not enough love language of any kind....lol)….
If one wants expressions of love and emotion and attention.....then, doesn't it make sense that it is a two way street...that one needs to give as well as receive....and, I am speaking of frequent and fluid expressions of love the way she NEEDS to receive it....
Do you think it is possible that she pulled back from you to protect herself from disappointment in the emotional bleakness of your marriage....and, leaned toward anyone else who showed that kind of attention to her....?
That does happen, you know...I have seen it...if one doesn't get their emotional needs met at home..they will be attracted to attention that is offered elsewhere...…
I felt that way in m y first marriage....and, I knew that I couldn't live without my normal human emotional needs being met....so, I divorced h I m in order to have the opportunity to find it elsewhere in the world....I knew that divorce would be a better choice than to have some kind of affair or to grow to resent him more, or live a life of continuous disappointment.
He jus never "got it". When I told him that I was filing for divorce...his comment was...."That is ridiculous. This is a perfectly happy marriage. I am very happy. You are never satisffied".....
That was a very long time ago....and, I hear (through the children and the grapevine( that he hasn't changed one bit.
For me, I was sooo much happier as a single mother...and, did find a wonderful love, 6years later. I was in my late 20's when we divorced. I have never regretted the decision to get my own emotional needs met...….
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Old 10-15-2019, 05:54 PM
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The problem I'm having is we are at a great place right now.

really? it's so great that a coffee mug has you considering conspiracy theories and that she REALLY bought it for another guy? you think your wife would be so downright stupid as to have a gift meant for another man sent to your house along with a matching mug for your daughter? and leave the box in plain sight???

if you don't want the thing - regift.

but perhaps consider what it represents to you.
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Old 10-16-2019, 03:42 AM
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W on phone alot? Have you checked your phone bill?
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