A cautionary tale
Giving up is NOT an option.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
A cautionary tale
I found out Friday that a friend, a man I grew up with and had a mad crush on in high school, and much later in life found again and fell in love with for a time, took his own life on Wednesday.
A bit of past history - He drank alcoholically for many years, until he got sober in his mid-30's. He was sober for 16 years. Then I guess he decided he could "handle it," and he went back out. I ran into him after not having seen him for 30 some years during that time, and we dated for a while while we were both drinking. The relationship wasn't really working, so we broke up and then he got a DUI in August of 2014, lost his job, went to treatment, got sober again, and began to rebuild his life. I got a DUI a few months later (December 2014) and called him first and he helped me get to an AA meeting, recommended an outpatient treatment program, and was my angel in early sobriety.
We began dating again after some time had gone by, both still sober. Broke up again for various reasons right around his two year anniversary. After that, I didn't have a bunch of contact with him, because he shut me out almost completely, even though I wanted to remain friends on a sober support level. He went back out sometime that fall, 3 years ago. I tried to maintain contact every so often to encourage him to get help.
He wouldn’t let me in. Wouldn’t let anyone in. He told me once via text that he figured no one in AA would want to help him yet again, that he was beyond hope. That wasn't true - I sent other AA friends to try to help him and he stonewalled them also. I knew he was in big trouble. I'd see him around town sometimes and he'd look right through me, as if I didn't exist. He looked awful. He let his demons get the best of him in the end. Homeless, jobless, sick and hopeless. On Wednesday, I guess he decided the only way out of the pain was to shoot himself. No one should die like that. My heart is broken.
That could have been me, if I hadn't reached out for help. It could have been any number of us. He had 16 YEARS of sobriety at one point. There's no "safe" period of recovery time - he discovered that the beast was alive and well, twice in his life. The second time was the end of him.
This disease will kill you, one way or the other.
A bit of past history - He drank alcoholically for many years, until he got sober in his mid-30's. He was sober for 16 years. Then I guess he decided he could "handle it," and he went back out. I ran into him after not having seen him for 30 some years during that time, and we dated for a while while we were both drinking. The relationship wasn't really working, so we broke up and then he got a DUI in August of 2014, lost his job, went to treatment, got sober again, and began to rebuild his life. I got a DUI a few months later (December 2014) and called him first and he helped me get to an AA meeting, recommended an outpatient treatment program, and was my angel in early sobriety.
We began dating again after some time had gone by, both still sober. Broke up again for various reasons right around his two year anniversary. After that, I didn't have a bunch of contact with him, because he shut me out almost completely, even though I wanted to remain friends on a sober support level. He went back out sometime that fall, 3 years ago. I tried to maintain contact every so often to encourage him to get help.
He wouldn’t let me in. Wouldn’t let anyone in. He told me once via text that he figured no one in AA would want to help him yet again, that he was beyond hope. That wasn't true - I sent other AA friends to try to help him and he stonewalled them also. I knew he was in big trouble. I'd see him around town sometimes and he'd look right through me, as if I didn't exist. He looked awful. He let his demons get the best of him in the end. Homeless, jobless, sick and hopeless. On Wednesday, I guess he decided the only way out of the pain was to shoot himself. No one should die like that. My heart is broken.
That could have been me, if I hadn't reached out for help. It could have been any number of us. He had 16 YEARS of sobriety at one point. There's no "safe" period of recovery time - he discovered that the beast was alive and well, twice in his life. The second time was the end of him.
This disease will kill you, one way or the other.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Thanks for sharing goes to show this **** is real. Ladies and gents. Consider our selves blessed for making it here. A life line if you will. I use it all the time. Got 163 days sober. And for me if I go back to it. Very strong possibility of not making it. ......So its best I keep doing what I'm doing staying sober. Sorry for your loss. ✌
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,408
Yes untreated alcoholism is a fatal illness. Recovery needs to be maintained on a daily basis by maintaining ones spiritual fitness and never regressing in my experience and through the wisdom of many others. Daily contact with alcoholics is also important to remain connected to recovery; that’s why I LOVE SR so much! Always keeps me connected and grounded. Very grateful for SR.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I am so sorry for the awful death of your friend. 
When I was drinking, I often felt suicidal. Since I got sober, I have not had any such harmful thoughts.I hope your friend is finally at peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking experience, MLD51. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Such a powerful post about the dangers of not accepting help and guidance, failing to take action, and the potential tragic, needless, consequences of not so doing. May your friend Rest in Peace. xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Thank you, MLD. I hope this sharing helps ease the pain just a bit - to know you have helped others by telling this horrific story. I'm not above needing the reminder that I'd likely not come back from another relapse.
You did everything possible to help him - nothing more could have been done. You were shut out - he wasn't capable of listening.
I'm sorry for this painful situation - but very grateful for your presence here.
You did everything possible to help him - nothing more could have been done. You were shut out - he wasn't capable of listening.
I'm sorry for this painful situation - but very grateful for your presence here.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I found this such a powerful read. Thank you for sharing; I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think it's such a great reminder that there is no time limit to alcoholism, we'll never be 'cured'..... The problem is, sometimes sobriety feels so good, it feels like a cure. Sometimes we think the clarity of sobriety will stay with us once we take that first drink and we'll be able to moderate. I've only got 3 years (almost) sober and I feel as far from complacent as it's possible to get. I'm terrified about the thought to going back to the place I was so desperate to leave. That said, sometimes when I read posts by people with 10+ years, I think 'I bet they can relax now. They've definitely got this thing beat'. I don't mean that they can drink again, just that they can probably relax in the knowledge that they will never drink again.
The tragic story of your friend has taught me that it doesn't matter how many years you have, alcoholism never disappears. My heart breaks that your friend made the decision to drink after 16 years. But his passing can be a lesson to us all. I hope he rests in peace and I send you so much love and support. Thank you.
I think it's such a great reminder that there is no time limit to alcoholism, we'll never be 'cured'..... The problem is, sometimes sobriety feels so good, it feels like a cure. Sometimes we think the clarity of sobriety will stay with us once we take that first drink and we'll be able to moderate. I've only got 3 years (almost) sober and I feel as far from complacent as it's possible to get. I'm terrified about the thought to going back to the place I was so desperate to leave. That said, sometimes when I read posts by people with 10+ years, I think 'I bet they can relax now. They've definitely got this thing beat'. I don't mean that they can drink again, just that they can probably relax in the knowledge that they will never drink again.
The tragic story of your friend has taught me that it doesn't matter how many years you have, alcoholism never disappears. My heart breaks that your friend made the decision to drink after 16 years. But his passing can be a lesson to us all. I hope he rests in peace and I send you so much love and support. Thank you.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
It's so hard, Zevin. This is not the first person in my circle to have done this, but this person was much much closer to me than any of the others. I don't know why it's harder than a natural death, or even something like a car accident. It's just overwhelmingly hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
I am so sorry to read this. Condolences to you and I pray your friend is at peace now. Thank you for sharing though. I am 18 months sober and lately my head has been starting to whisper that maybe I will be able to handle a few drinks now because I have done some work on "me" and am in a good place. I know that is rubbish but it persists. Then I read your post and this..
The problem is, sometimes sobriety feels so good, it feels like a cure. Sometimes we think the clarity of sobriety will stay with us once we take that first drink and we'll be able to moderate. This is exactly it. My sobriety feels really good. I feel alive and well and happy so my thinking is I will stay feeling like this now when I take that first drink. NO!!!!! The reason I feel this way is because I am not drinking and yes I have done work on myself but that is so I can enjoy my sobriety. Just one drink will take me straight back to hell.
Thank you for sharing
🙏❤🙏❤
Originally Posted by kenton 
The problem is, sometimes sobriety feels so good, it feels like a cure. Sometimes we think the clarity of sobriety will stay with us once we take that first drink and we'll be able to moderate.
Thank you for sharing
🙏❤🙏❤
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