Positive changes - what have you noticed?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Positive changes - what have you noticed?
Is there a thread about this already? I've been noticing little positive things about my husband finally leaving. Don't get me wrong, I still feel sad sometimes and worry about how he's doing but there are lots of little peaceful moments.
1) Driving home is no longer stressful. I'm not wondering what I'm coming home to.
2) I don't panic if the basement light is on (usually a sign he's been drinking).
3) I don't feel the need to withdraw cash (well...I feel the need but then realize I don't have to) so I can find a place to stash it to help keep me and DS safe.
4) I can buy the type of bread I want even if it's a little more expensive. It's okay to spend lots of money to drink and gamble...god forbid you spend it on sesame seed buns.
What are things that you notice/d?
1) Driving home is no longer stressful. I'm not wondering what I'm coming home to.
2) I don't panic if the basement light is on (usually a sign he's been drinking).
3) I don't feel the need to withdraw cash (well...I feel the need but then realize I don't have to) so I can find a place to stash it to help keep me and DS safe.
4) I can buy the type of bread I want even if it's a little more expensive. It's okay to spend lots of money to drink and gamble...god forbid you spend it on sesame seed buns.
What are things that you notice/d?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Great thread.
My AH is still in our home but he is very incapacitated, dying and pretty much bedridden. Upstairs. Confined to his bedroom and the bathroom.
I am kind of in a half way situation. I have been experiencing a lot of freedom and me becoming me. So, I eat what I want, mealtimes when I want, telly/Netflix I want. Socialise without a drunk with me! See my pals when I want. Dress how I want. Have stepped away from his nursing care as much as is practical.
It is only now I am seeing a lot of the stuff that went on before. The controlling he tried to do. Eggshell walking by me.
I am seeing so much more I can do and be. Is me taking time. Am taking it slow.
I hear you on buying the sort of bread you like, Thlayi, I do that now. I like a fancy wholemeal brand whereas AH likes white.
My AH is still in our home but he is very incapacitated, dying and pretty much bedridden. Upstairs. Confined to his bedroom and the bathroom.
I am kind of in a half way situation. I have been experiencing a lot of freedom and me becoming me. So, I eat what I want, mealtimes when I want, telly/Netflix I want. Socialise without a drunk with me! See my pals when I want. Dress how I want. Have stepped away from his nursing care as much as is practical.
It is only now I am seeing a lot of the stuff that went on before. The controlling he tried to do. Eggshell walking by me.
I am seeing so much more I can do and be. Is me taking time. Am taking it slow.
I hear you on buying the sort of bread you like, Thlayi, I do that now. I like a fancy wholemeal brand whereas AH likes white.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Funny I was just thinking along these lines except mine was more of, things are really going pretty well right now, when is it going to go to crap? LOL
1. I can decorate for Christmas when I want to. Sounds dumb I know but have never been able to before Thanksgiving. LOL
2. I can come home from work and just sit down.
3. I also don't fear what I will be walking in on.
4. I don't walk into my kids complaining that he is drunk again and being rude and mean.
5. The peacefulness is wonderful.
1. I can decorate for Christmas when I want to. Sounds dumb I know but have never been able to before Thanksgiving. LOL
2. I can come home from work and just sit down.
3. I also don't fear what I will be walking in on.
4. I don't walk into my kids complaining that he is drunk again and being rude and mean.
5. The peacefulness is wonderful.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
One of the major positive things I noticed is that I make waaaaay less cash withdrawals & cash electronic transfers from my bank.
PS just in case you didn't know - it takes a ton of money for an active addict chasing a life filled with addiction to live comfortably.
PS just in case you didn't know - it takes a ton of money for an active addict chasing a life filled with addiction to live comfortably.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
I love this thread
I don't stop to compose myself before I pull onto my drive in case he's there when he said he had plans..
I don't do this because it's my own home and I've no idea where he now lives
I know any chaos in my life is my own
I make my own choices
I don't fear making plans now because before they had a good chance of falling through
I no longer have to be evasive with my friends, they know the whole story...
It's a relief, for sure x
I don't stop to compose myself before I pull onto my drive in case he's there when he said he had plans..
I don't do this because it's my own home and I've no idea where he now lives
I know any chaos in my life is my own
I make my own choices
I don't fear making plans now because before they had a good chance of falling through
I no longer have to be evasive with my friends, they know the whole story...
It's a relief, for sure x
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
* I wake up early, can make coffee, turn a light on and NOT have to tiptoe thru my house
* My kitchen is as clean as i left it the night before
* I sleep SO much better
* My son is happier!
* I turned the heat on before November
* I have less laundry and dishes to do (bonus)
Love this post! I needed to read this today
* My kitchen is as clean as i left it the night before
* I sleep SO much better
* My son is happier!
* I turned the heat on before November
* I have less laundry and dishes to do (bonus)
Love this post! I needed to read this today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Cleaner!!! Yes! I didn't realize how much of the mess was AH and not my 11-year-old.
I don't have to worry when DS does something wrong about whether I should tell AH or not. He would sometimes manage things well and sometimes fly off the handle for very small things. Now I handle it and we move on.
I don't have to worry when DS does something wrong about whether I should tell AH or not. He would sometimes manage things well and sometimes fly off the handle for very small things. Now I handle it and we move on.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I don’t have a 15 pound weight on my chest waiting for him to come home/ when he’s around/ when he’s mad/ when he’s drunk.
I parent my four year old well and patiently, with no one second guessing me or trying to get all my time/attention.
No one in my daily life is ever mean to me.
No one makes me fee like I need to perform better. I have always felt competent and now no one tries to micromanage me.
I am finally going to have the second kid I wanted for years that just wasn’t happening when the other half of the process had destroyed his body.
My kid is happier.
Everything is better. All of it. Every day.
I parent my four year old well and patiently, with no one second guessing me or trying to get all my time/attention.
No one in my daily life is ever mean to me.
No one makes me fee like I need to perform better. I have always felt competent and now no one tries to micromanage me.
I am finally going to have the second kid I wanted for years that just wasn’t happening when the other half of the process had destroyed his body.
My kid is happier.
Everything is better. All of it. Every day.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
-I can eat what I want. Don't have to make big dinners anymore
-I'm not being kept awake anymore by his snoring
-I'm not being criticised anymore for what I did, didn't do
-I'm not being ignored because he's glued to his phone
-I'm not guessing when he's coming home
-I don't have to hide purchases
-I can call my family when ever I want
-I'm not having to attend evenrs to keep his drinking in check
-I'm responsible for my happiness now.. Not his
-I'm not being kept awake anymore by his snoring
-I'm not being criticised anymore for what I did, didn't do
-I'm not being ignored because he's glued to his phone
-I'm not guessing when he's coming home
-I don't have to hide purchases
-I can call my family when ever I want
-I'm not having to attend evenrs to keep his drinking in check
-I'm responsible for my happiness now.. Not his
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
With being involved with an A, a lay person would think it is just about the A getting drunk daily/now and then. In my experience is not really about that. The actual getting drunk part is tiny. It is about all the supporting behaviours that come with it or maybe are underneath the drinking. The nasty stuff.
When my AH is drunk he is no problem, same with my A dad. Once drunk. They are off and in a world of their own. It is all the nasty, critical stuff they do around it to justify their drinking. Have to blame it on someone or something else. Reality being A's drink because they are A's. Not because someone let them down or their boss is a jerk or their wife has fat ankles.
The denial and pretence is a very complicated barrel of rubbish. One I learnt to step out of the way of. Nasty.
I know we know this, I just wanted to shout it out today!
My AH is literally dying from his alcoholism at present. However he tells me he has an inherited heart condition. Erm, no. He has heart failure, neuropathy, diabetes and on and on caused by his daily heavy drinking over the last 60 years or so. Unless all his doctors who diagnose him and treat him are idiots! Which I tend to think they are not.
When my AH is drunk he is no problem, same with my A dad. Once drunk. They are off and in a world of their own. It is all the nasty, critical stuff they do around it to justify their drinking. Have to blame it on someone or something else. Reality being A's drink because they are A's. Not because someone let them down or their boss is a jerk or their wife has fat ankles.
The denial and pretence is a very complicated barrel of rubbish. One I learnt to step out of the way of. Nasty.
I know we know this, I just wanted to shout it out today!
My AH is literally dying from his alcoholism at present. However he tells me he has an inherited heart condition. Erm, no. He has heart failure, neuropathy, diabetes and on and on caused by his daily heavy drinking over the last 60 years or so. Unless all his doctors who diagnose him and treat him are idiots! Which I tend to think they are not.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Like all of you who have posted, I too reveled in all the seemingly small yet oh so important "little" things that no longer living with an alcoholic brought into my life. The peacefulness, the easiness...sooooo much less stress.
Just to preface, I'm a few years out now and remarried to a fully emotionally mature adult. It's a far removed change of pace from how I spent my first two decades of married life.... I think the biggest change I have noticed since I no longer live with active addiction surrounding me, is in myself and my own behaviors.
Life still happens, utter crap happens. Adult children(including my step sons) can still cause upheavals, aging parents can be stressful, work and life can feel overwhelming. Angers, frustrations, confusions and fears still happen....but when they do, I no longer turn into a codependent whirling dervish.
It's so obvious to me now, what is my part in any given circumstance and more importantly, what is NOT. So I would have to say the biggest positive about not living with AXH is how much I've been able to grow as a human being since removing myself from his chaos.
Just to preface, I'm a few years out now and remarried to a fully emotionally mature adult. It's a far removed change of pace from how I spent my first two decades of married life.... I think the biggest change I have noticed since I no longer live with active addiction surrounding me, is in myself and my own behaviors.
Life still happens, utter crap happens. Adult children(including my step sons) can still cause upheavals, aging parents can be stressful, work and life can feel overwhelming. Angers, frustrations, confusions and fears still happen....but when they do, I no longer turn into a codependent whirling dervish.
It's so obvious to me now, what is my part in any given circumstance and more importantly, what is NOT. So I would have to say the biggest positive about not living with AXH is how much I've been able to grow as a human being since removing myself from his chaos.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
What a brilliant thread! For me the anxiety has gone completely,no worrying what bottles I will find hidden in the shed in the morning. No worrying whether I take a sip of soft drink to find its been replaced by wine. No listening to the constant berating of other drinkers (everyone is an alcoholic except him). No gaslighting. No eggshell walking. No lying in bed awake at night with his wine breath breathing all over me. All I get now is text messages..love you,miss you so much,I'll change this time...yeh I ignore those! 3 months into my new life and the only regret I have is not doing it sooner. My peace of mind and freedom from it all is fantastic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
This awesome anthem by Ariana Grande came on today and realized I can sing along instead of superstitiously avoiding it.
"I think that I like the thought of you more than I like your presence"
https://youtu.be/BRh6jM1I73s
Also this less well known one. "Listen up, I'm saving you from all the hell that you'll go through"
https://youtu.be/10Kc7RK2rOs
"I think that I like the thought of you more than I like your presence"
https://youtu.be/BRh6jM1I73s
Also this less well known one. "Listen up, I'm saving you from all the hell that you'll go through"
https://youtu.be/10Kc7RK2rOs
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Good idea to focus on the positive 
I'm struggling a bit today as I just found out my XABF has already replaced me.
The first thing I noticed is that I can write freely in my journals again. My XA would find them no matter where I hid them and go through them. When I first dumped him and went to journal, I would have crippling panic when trying to write my true thoughts because I was still scared he was going to read them somehow. That's gone.
I don't have to hide my money from him anymore.
I don't have to be hyper aware of how women around us are looking at him and glaring at me, wondering which ones he is cheating with. Turns out it was lots of them. But I'm forming strong relationships with new women who would never betray me like that.
I don't have to keep my phone next to me at all times for fear of "getting in trouble" if I don't instantly answer or respond.
I can go to the bathroom without worrying that he's going to bust in, his favorite control/humiliation tactic at the end.
My hair is growing back, my anxiety and heart troubles are getting under control, and I'm putting on a little weight. My health suffered horribly from the trauma at the end, so regaining it is my main focus currently.
I'm allowed to go where I want, with whoever I want, wearing whatever I want, whenever I want without being tracked, harassed and punished.
I rarely drink or have to go to seedy bars anymore.
I don't have to suffer the awful smell coming off of him anymore. I don't have to pretend it's ok when he vomits during sex due to the physical exertion anymore. I don't have to stress about his failing health and suicide threats. I don't have to worry how long it will be till he gets fired from his most recent job for stealing and/or getting caught drinking and drugging at work. I don't have to worry about him not being able to pay rent or bills. I don't have to be in a constant panic over where he is, who he's with, if he's ok.
I would've died if I stayed with him, either by my rapidly failing health or his escalating abuse. But now I have a chance to rebuild life however I want.. And it's gonna be awesome one day!
I recognize that most of these things were things that I was unknowingly allowing and accepting by staying in the relationship... I was deep in the fog and didn't start to wake up to how toxic it all was until a few weeks after the breakup. I'm waking up to reality a little more each day and slowly rebuilding my destroyed self esteem and confidence. As much pain as I'm in now, it's nowhere near the pain I was in while still clinging onto our horrific relationship!
Thanks for the opportunity to get my head straight this morning by remembering how bad it was, and recognizing how much better things are/will be, even though it doesn't always feel like it in the moment! I may be back with more later 😄
I'm struggling a bit today as I just found out my XABF has already replaced me.The first thing I noticed is that I can write freely in my journals again. My XA would find them no matter where I hid them and go through them. When I first dumped him and went to journal, I would have crippling panic when trying to write my true thoughts because I was still scared he was going to read them somehow. That's gone.
I don't have to hide my money from him anymore.
I don't have to be hyper aware of how women around us are looking at him and glaring at me, wondering which ones he is cheating with. Turns out it was lots of them. But I'm forming strong relationships with new women who would never betray me like that.
I don't have to keep my phone next to me at all times for fear of "getting in trouble" if I don't instantly answer or respond.
I can go to the bathroom without worrying that he's going to bust in, his favorite control/humiliation tactic at the end.
My hair is growing back, my anxiety and heart troubles are getting under control, and I'm putting on a little weight. My health suffered horribly from the trauma at the end, so regaining it is my main focus currently.
I'm allowed to go where I want, with whoever I want, wearing whatever I want, whenever I want without being tracked, harassed and punished.
I rarely drink or have to go to seedy bars anymore.
I don't have to suffer the awful smell coming off of him anymore. I don't have to pretend it's ok when he vomits during sex due to the physical exertion anymore. I don't have to stress about his failing health and suicide threats. I don't have to worry how long it will be till he gets fired from his most recent job for stealing and/or getting caught drinking and drugging at work. I don't have to worry about him not being able to pay rent or bills. I don't have to be in a constant panic over where he is, who he's with, if he's ok.
I would've died if I stayed with him, either by my rapidly failing health or his escalating abuse. But now I have a chance to rebuild life however I want.. And it's gonna be awesome one day!
I recognize that most of these things were things that I was unknowingly allowing and accepting by staying in the relationship... I was deep in the fog and didn't start to wake up to how toxic it all was until a few weeks after the breakup. I'm waking up to reality a little more each day and slowly rebuilding my destroyed self esteem and confidence. As much pain as I'm in now, it's nowhere near the pain I was in while still clinging onto our horrific relationship!
Thanks for the opportunity to get my head straight this morning by remembering how bad it was, and recognizing how much better things are/will be, even though it doesn't always feel like it in the moment! I may be back with more later 😄
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
You reminded me of a couple more too, Trinity. I also don't feel the need to hide journals anymore and I haven't needed my medication for reflux since he left. I also don't have that general "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling...even though thousands upon thousands of "shoes" have dropped while we were together.
Thanks for adding
Thanks for adding
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Trinity7777 
Good idea to focus on the positive I'm struggling a bit today as I just found out my XABF has already replaced me.
I'm struggling a bit today as I just found out my XABF has already replaced me.You are irreplaceable.
However, if you mean he has found someone to put up with what you have described above, then that is a miracle.
Trinity, I'm so glad you are away from him, my god, the things you have put up with are just horrendous.
Yay for your freedom!
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Good thread! Here are mine:
1. Don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I come home from work
2. Don't have to stare in his eyes, listen carefully to his speech, or smell his breath to see if he has been drinking while I've been working
3. Don't have to worry that he'll do something stupid that will humiliate me in the community
4. Able to eat what I want, watch what I want, and go where I want without being questioned
5. Losing weight and getting healthy because I'm no longer stress-eating and actually care about my life
6. Able to welcome sons and their significant others into my home without fear he will embarrass us all
7. Able to decorate as I like and buy what I want
8. Able to plan for the future without worrying about being derailed by a financial calamity like a drunk driving accident
9. Becoming the person I was meant to be 35 years ago when I made the big mistake of marrying the wrong person!!!
1. Don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I come home from work
2. Don't have to stare in his eyes, listen carefully to his speech, or smell his breath to see if he has been drinking while I've been working
3. Don't have to worry that he'll do something stupid that will humiliate me in the community
4. Able to eat what I want, watch what I want, and go where I want without being questioned
5. Losing weight and getting healthy because I'm no longer stress-eating and actually care about my life
6. Able to welcome sons and their significant others into my home without fear he will embarrass us all
7. Able to decorate as I like and buy what I want
8. Able to plan for the future without worrying about being derailed by a financial calamity like a drunk driving accident
9. Becoming the person I was meant to be 35 years ago when I made the big mistake of marrying the wrong person!!!
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