GF Left-Hurt and Venting-Appreciate Feedback

Old 10-12-2019, 08:45 PM
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GF Left-Hurt and Venting-Appreciate Feedback

Let me preface this by saying that I appreciate you for taking the time to read this and would love to just hear opinions.

My girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man one month before the end of her year long rehab; I'm devastated. I read many similar threads and am surprised how often this happens. Many comments have helped me cope but I am deeply hurt and feel the need to vent.

We both began dating at 25. We had a great relationship and moved in together after about 8 months. We are very similar, both somewhat introverts with anxiety but we just clicked and never argued at all. We were both in so much love for each other. She occasionally drank too much wine at nights but I didn't think much of it. It stopped when we moved in together and things were good. Fast forward a year and it began again, and rapidly increased. This mainly stemmed from her being stressed at her job. It became a daily routine and began affecting her everyday life. She went into a month long rehab and I stayed right by her side, visiting every weekend, offering her as much support as I could. I went with her mom into the facility for a family day where we lecturers and activities to learn of her disease. She was sober for 8 months afterwards. We spent the majority of our time together and she didn't have very many close friends. She relapsed one day after feeling exceptionally lonely, in combination with anxiety from her job, on a day I was out with my friends.

Her drinking became 10x worse than before, snowballing. She began lying about it, driving drunk, and even went as far as to steal money from me to buy alcohol. I took care of her everyday I got home from work. She stopped working altogether and I had taken her car keys away. I emptied the apartment of her alcohol stash (every night), took all credit cards from her. It didn't matter what I did, she always found a way to drink.

Her parents got her into a year long rehab facility in Florida, where they lived part time. We were living in the Northeast. She couldn't have her phone and couldn't communicate with the opposite sex outside of the family but she would sneak letters out to me and I would do the same. All she spoke about is how she hopes and prays that I would accept her back and for us to continue our lives together. Ofcourse I wanted nothing more.

After 8 months of communicating with letters, she got her phone back and we spoke daily, counting down the days we'd meet again. Also, the 8th month she was able to come home for a weekend her brothers graduation. I got to see her for a day and it was just like old times. We didn't let each go the entire time.

Texting and communicating began less and less at the 10th month, though still daily. She told me everyday how much she loves me and so badly wants a future together. She spoke with her sister after which she explained how it's time she made some sacrifices and decided she wanted to come back to the Northeast right after graduating. This was exciting to hear because my lease extended 5 months past her graduation date and she really didn't want to come back to the Northeast as her family was moving to Florida full time and she also wanted a fresh start in a new location. She wanted to come back for me solely. We'd planned to move somewhere together after my lease, as we spoke about so many times.

Literally one week after this she says she wants to stay in Florida and break off the relationship. I explained how I don't see a future without her and I'd break my lease and move to Florida, that I just wanted to be there for her. It didn't matter and it shocked me. She did very little talking, cried, and just like that it was over. A few weeks later and she began posting a photos together with a guy who works for the rehab facility she's at.

3 years together, multiple rehab's together, and 11 months of waiting and it's over just like that. There were no signs of any hesitation this entire time, both of us on the same page of how we felt. I know for a fact that if I was there in person it'd be different and those old feelings would come right back to her. She stopped contact with me and a month has passed without her even reaching out at all. She tended to run away from any confrontation. I texted her at length at first expressing my feelings, how I want to be there for her and to just give me a chance as we've waiting so long. This is so unlike every side of this person I ever knew and experienced. My whole future was pulled from underneath me and I'm devastated. I feel defeated. So much time, energy and love for nothing and I can't even comprehend it. All we spoke about was a future, marriage, kids, experiences. I can barely function at the moment.

Any sort of comments, both positive or negative, is much appreciated.
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Old 10-12-2019, 10:12 PM
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Hi Jason, I’m so sorry you are hurting. I am also so new to all this and going through a hard time. It’s been a little over a month my XAF broke up with me. We were planing our wedding, had so many plans for our future, and just a few days after I bought my wedding dress everything was over.

I was dealing with a lot and yet I promised him I’d never leave his side. He used to say he hated himself and was ashamed that he was an alcoholic and couldn’t control his drinking.
I was there for him through everything, two days after he broke up he went out with some other girl took her to a baseball game and booked a fancy hotel room to spend the night. Some of my friends has seen his dating profile in a few dating apps. I’m devastated as he hasn’t reached out once, not even to check on me. I feel used and like I never existed to him.

Ive bee attending Al-anon meetings and going to therapy, also this group helps me a lot. I get a lot of advices, opinions, get to vent once in a while, and exchange experiences. Since all I can do right now is focus on myself I’m learning as much as I can about myself, alcoholics, and how it has affected my life. I hear all the time I dodge a bullet - - which hurts me so much specially because is true.

These two books was recommended to me and you will see a lot of people here talk about it. It might give you some insight.
1-Adult Child Of Alcoholic
2-Codependent no more

i feel for you, this is excruciating pain. Take care of yourself.


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Old 10-13-2019, 03:18 AM
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Hi and welcome. First off, I'm sorry you are in so much pain, of course this is devastating for you.

She was, obviously now, not being totally straightforward with you or she was confused (still means she was not being straightforward).

This is a time of transition for her and who is to say if this is a sound decision on her part, only time will tell. Has her family shared any insight with you?

You have a couple of choices. You could go to Florida to speak to her (with her permission), unless she has requested you not contact her. Otherwise you will have to just let it all go and see how things work out.

If in fact she decides that guy isn't for her, would you ever trust her again?

Just some things to consider. The most important thing right now is taking care of yourself. Is therapy an option? Talking to people, here, therapy, friends and family is important. Getting good counsel and people who listen and understand.

Try to sleep when you can, eat well (even if you don't feel like it), get out of the house, even if it's something as simple as going to pick up dinner, try not to isolate.

Basically it's looking after yourself and distracting yourself, while you have time to process your feelings.
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Old 10-13-2019, 03:48 AM
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Jason in my years on this forum I've seen many versions of your story and they are all heartbreaking. It's not unusual for As in rehab to form intense emotional attachments, usually to other patients. Along with giving up alcohol, they are seeing the world unfiltered and adapting to it.

I know it seems heartless to say, but you have a decision to hang onto something that has finished, or work very hard on moving on. It's not easy, I've done it myself, but it will get easier as time goes by. You may feel that you haven't had closure, in which case you could see her personally write her a heartfelt letter and not send it.

Please consider blocking her and her family on social media. Give it a chance because clinging on hearing news of her and around her is only going to make things much more painful.

In your case, while I've no doubt she loved you, you were in another state, and she was presumably seeing this man day after day, all the time going through major changes in her life. She may have come across as dishonest, but possibly she was only becoming aware of her feelings gradually.
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Old 10-13-2019, 04:13 AM
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Jason
Going through a similar situation. People on this forum have been very helpful. Also, local Al-Anon meetings have done wonders. Go through the forum, theres a bunch of great reads here too.

Even with that there are good days and bad days. Focus on what you control, you. It's easier said than done but give it a try. Whether it's back to working out, reading, stepping out of your comfort zone.
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Old 10-13-2019, 06:08 AM
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Sadly... very sadly... your experience is not uncommon. Usually the exciting new honeymoon romance is another patient/resident at the facility not a staff member. Beginning a relationship with a client at a rehab is a huge huge issue that needs to be brought to the attention of the facility.

Your now ex chronic relapser was in a vulnerable state and this guy is no professional nor ethical person in authentic recovery and in time this thrilling roller coaster of hormones and brain chemicals will most likely crash and your ex will possibly tearfully with great remorse return... for more of the alcoholic crazy train to hell!

will you be ready for the next round???

My ex fiancé qualifier would be sober for 8 or 9 months and then lose his ever loving mind! I was in Lala land and knew our relationship was different than all the other tens of thousands of posters.

I was wrong. But... while I continued to try to “save” him I worked in my recovery. Codependent no more and this website. Alanon, AA open meetings, hundreds of great speakers on the internet in Alanon and AA. I am ACOA so I read everything I could on that subject. I read about the brain and science of addiction. I was in counseling a lot...

and then he relapsed 10 years ago while out of town on business and I knew that I knew that I knew.... I tracked down my vehicle and locked him out.

He cried. He begged. He pleaded. I told him to hit the road and call me after he did one full year of authentic verifiable sponsored program of recovery. I told him to save his money because our date would be in Tahiti and I would pay my way and he would pay his and we would have separate rooms so I could bug out if he drank.

He never made a year. Almost died a dozen times. Today he lives in LA and he isn’t in a penthouse anymore... he lives on skid row. Alcoholism is progressive and real alcoholics are not for the uneducated and faint of heart...

so... get your notebook and computer out and learn about this disease... and run away until she is sober on her own two feet for a year at least.

why chase them around with a fire extinguisher, box of huggies and broom and dust pan? Wait with baited breath to fold them back into a feathered nest and loving arms?

I was a rescuer... now I turn them over to thier loving creator and help those willing to do the true work of recovery....

i now work in the recovery world providing sober living community for those who truly want it not the ones who need it...

work your recovery my friend... my heart truly goes out to you....

Last edited by Hopeworks; 10-13-2019 at 06:14 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 10-13-2019, 07:05 AM
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Jason I am sorry for what brings you here. It hurts like h*ll that she would turn and start a new relationship. Even if she changes her mind about this new person, and returns to your life, the nightmare won't be over. You saw how she escalated after her return from rehab. I don't wish that on you, living with her again while she fights addiction. Read as much as you can about alcoholism and try out Al Anon. It will bring you some peace, which you really, really need right now. Practice self-care. These are the things you CAN control, so you better deal with all of this.
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Old 10-13-2019, 08:03 AM
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Dump her and don't look back.
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Old 10-13-2019, 09:34 AM
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Jason......naturally, you are devastated.....and, you will, by necessity, go through a period of grieving....I think we all feel your pain.
I think that Hopeworks gives such excellent advice, that I could scarsely add anything more...….Her advice comes from a veteran who has walked in your shoes....My advice is to take every single word to heart!
In fact, print it out and read it over every single day...….
begin your own program of recovery...….
You have given enough years to an alcoholic who is not in recovery...not Genuine recovery.....
Being with her is not the "answer".....you were with her for a long time and it did not help her to stay sober and all you got, for your effort, was rejection. She is not "the one" for you.....
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Old 10-13-2019, 09:58 AM
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I hear you. This sucks. I was the one that left my XAH but he was clearly building some sort of trauma bond with a woman from the sober living house while still trying to get me back, and was just a giant exposed nerve while he was trying not to drink, so he has been tearing through new relationships.

He showed up this morning for his daytime visit with our daughter with the fourth new girlfriend since April.

I know it feels like hell, but you are exceedingly likely to be better off for having been dropped now then sticking this out, and being there for the next 12 relapses. Sorry that I am not optimistic, but most people don’t actually quit drinking, and my gut says that starting a relationship with an employee from a rehab it does not bode well here, so I would try to avoid thinking about it like you had all the bad years and now some idiot sweeps in and takes your newly sober woman just when things were going to get good.

There was enough else wrong with my relationship that I had no intention of going back even if he was magically sober forever. But I also felt crappy to think I got all the drunk years and then he was going to be great for someone else. It didn’t happen. He had a brief sober period and now is as much or more of a disaster than ever.

I am sorry you are in pain. I hope that one year from now you, like me, will be thanking your lucky stars for not being in that situation anymore.

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Old 10-13-2019, 10:17 AM
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We both began dating at 25.

setting aside everything else for a moment - it is not unusual for people in their 20s to have multiple relationships versus one long term for life experience. forever sounds good and romantic, but in reality young people grow and change and change their minds and their perspective.

she was drinking to excess when you met. so the "problem" preceded you. in spite of all your efforts to stem the tide, the problem continued and progressed. first trip to rehab didn't fix it.

now after almost a year in a protected sober environment, she has changed her mind. she spent 1/3 of your entire relationship "incarcerated" to prevent her from drinking. we can't blame her choices on alcohol. this is her at the most sober she has been since you've known her.

whether or not she is making a WISE choice is irrelevant. it is still her choice.

is it fair? nope. does it feel good? nope. is it life? yep.
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Old 10-13-2019, 11:19 AM
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I understand your devastation.

I'm always hesitant when I read that someone has left a partner and gone straight on to another partner........I'm not sure it will last.

I have experience from both sides.

My now Alcoholic ex partner was such hard work.
We were only together 18 months.
It ended after he attacked me when drunk and a neighbour called the police.
At first I missed him, even though he beat me up with 2 wooden bats.
I wanted to make excuses for him and say the only reason he did it was drink.
He is not a bad man.

But actually with distance between us and no contact for 3 months, I have realised that my life is peaceful without him in wrecking drunken chaos and anger.

He constantly lied about drinking.
I would find empty bottles under my bed.
His mood was up, down, angry. Up, down, angry.

It was no way to live.

I too had supported him through 3 rehabs.
I even drove him there.
I visited at the weekend.
I looked after his dog.

Now I am not frightened to come home and wonder what mood or how drunk he will be.
Im not on tiptoes when he has drank constantly for 5 days and he thinks he is dying.

I realised I was not doing him any favours.
He needed to realise that no, I was not driving to see him, every weekend.
I had a life too and I worked full time.
I didn't want to drive for 4 hours when I had driven all week for my job.
No I was not available to have his dog for 11 weeks.

For me having time on my own and no contact has done me the world of good.
My eyes have been opened to a lot more that was wrong in the relationship.

Yes it was sad. At first we got on so well, but it was me enabling him.

I also remember the 2nd time he came out of rehab and he was horrible. He was a monster. I was shocked. He would say things like that's a passive aggressive comment, please may I have an apology?

You would think he was the of guru of recovery.
He started drinking about 3 days later.

I think rehab is like living in a protective bubble.
It's not real life.
This man may have been wonderful while she was at rehab, but in the real world there could be problems and issues.

Just lastly, as this post as gone on for hours and hours, for me I see it as an opportunity to meet someone I really want to be with......eventually.

You take care and keep venting here as this is what we are here for.

I wish you the best xx
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Old 10-13-2019, 04:16 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation and it sucks...but I'm also seeing good things.

My husband of 10 years moved out 3-4 weeks ago. Our entire relationship he would stay sober around 18 months, relapse for a few, sometimes leave me but then would come back around and we'd try again. I'm sad sometimes. I'm lonely sometimes. I'm also very relieved in some ways and things are simpler and more peaceful.

I do have to steer my thoughts away from the whys? I sometimes suspect there was/is someone else because of the suddenness of his leaving and no overt cause. It's not helpful for me to ask why. It happened. I need to focus on the peace I feel and figuring out why I stayed in that mess for so long.
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