Where do we go from here...
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Where do we go from here...
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He no longer tries to hide the bottles. I dont know what to do. He isnt physically abusive. He has been sleeping with other women and I honestly want to leave. However I want to help him thru his recovery. Just dondo know when to walk away...
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Being a functioning alcoholic is merely a phase. Alcoholism is progressive, it never gets better without treatment. You say you want to help him through recovery. Is he actively pursuing recovery? Does he go to meetings? See an addiction therapist? Since you say he is still drinking, I am guessing the answer to those questions is no.
What recovery is it that you want to help him through?
Alcoholism aside, he is sleeping with other women. If you are still sexually active, he could be bringing any number of diseases home to you. You say you want to leave. What is really holding you back?
What recovery is it that you want to help him through?
Alcoholism aside, he is sleeping with other women. If you are still sexually active, he could be bringing any number of diseases home to you. You say you want to leave. What is really holding you back?
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Location: Western US
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Hi Alwayontime. Welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm glad you found us. Also super sorry that you needed to find us!
It sounds like things are getting pretty bad. Have you looked into getting yourself to an Alanon meeting. They aren't for everyone but for some they are a lifesaver. Also there is a book "Codependent no More" that is a bit of a bible around here.
Educating yourself about alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics is a good place to start. What is appropriate actions in a relationship with an alcoholic is mostly non-intuitive.
I hope you stick around.
It sounds like things are getting pretty bad. Have you looked into getting yourself to an Alanon meeting. They aren't for everyone but for some they are a lifesaver. Also there is a book "Codependent no More" that is a bit of a bible around here.
Educating yourself about alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics is a good place to start. What is appropriate actions in a relationship with an alcoholic is mostly non-intuitive.
I hope you stick around.
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Originally Posted by allwaysontime 
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He no longer tries to hide the bottles. I dont know what to do. He isnt physically abusive. He has been sleeping with other women and I honestly want to leave. However I want to help him thru his recovery. Just dondo know when to walk away...
You may be relieved to know that you can't help your AH through his recovery. First up he isn't attempting to recover, and you can't help what isn't happening. In fact if he's being quite open about his drinking and not trying to hide it, he's travelling in the other direction from recovery.
The other thing that occurred to me, reading your post, is that he's given up hiding the bottles because he's given up on your relationship, and no longer feels the need to fool you. You don't say how you know he's cheating, but if he's not hiding that either it could also mean he's moved on.
You may be feeling a little dutiful, that you don't have the right to your own happy life with someone who loves you? Are there any other reasons for not leaving like kids, church, accommodation or money?
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As noted 'functioning' alcoholic is just a phase. In some cases just a phrase. There's a good chance that he is being covered for at work or stuff is being done for him etc. Did his buddies participate in any cover stories? If he's cheating that's already sign of impulse control and/or lack of commitment. Until he wants to change trying to nudge him or waiting to be there for him is not worth it in my book.
I watched a very similar scenario playout at work. He started drinking before lunch, cheating on wife at night. He was frequently covered for and management knew but didn't want to do anything until they had a slam dunk case to fire or suspend him-it did, motor vehicle accident where he lied on report. Got rehired and fired several more times thanks to a union and lawyers. Also the drinking escalated/expanded into cocaine then crack. We all knew it was the end even before we found out which drugs he was doing because he came to work for a party, a 42 year old man with children starts wearing an earring? Apparently his cheating expanded to pick up/party bars, not just the local bar/restaurant.
I watched a very similar scenario playout at work. He started drinking before lunch, cheating on wife at night. He was frequently covered for and management knew but didn't want to do anything until they had a slam dunk case to fire or suspend him-it did, motor vehicle accident where he lied on report. Got rehired and fired several more times thanks to a union and lawyers. Also the drinking escalated/expanded into cocaine then crack. We all knew it was the end even before we found out which drugs he was doing because he came to work for a party, a 42 year old man with children starts wearing an earring? Apparently his cheating expanded to pick up/party bars, not just the local bar/restaurant.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Ontime, welcome to the forum. I hope you get a lot of information and support here. You could start by reading the 'stickies' at the start of the F&F home page, so you can get an idea of how things play out over time.
You may be relieved to know that you can't help your AH through his recovery. First up he isn't attempting to recover, and you can't help what isn't happening. In fact if he's being quite open about his drinking and not trying to hide it, he's travelling in the other direction from recovery.
The other thing that occurred to me, reading your post, is that he's given up hiding the bottles because he's given up on your relationship, and no longer feels the need to fool you. You don't say how you know he's cheating, but if he's not hiding that either it could also mean he's moved on.
You may be feeling a little dutiful, that you don't have the right to your own happy life with someone who loves you? Are there any other reasons for not leaving like kids, church, accommodation or money?
You may be relieved to know that you can't help your AH through his recovery. First up he isn't attempting to recover, and you can't help what isn't happening. In fact if he's being quite open about his drinking and not trying to hide it, he's travelling in the other direction from recovery.
The other thing that occurred to me, reading your post, is that he's given up hiding the bottles because he's given up on your relationship, and no longer feels the need to fool you. You don't say how you know he's cheating, but if he's not hiding that either it could also mean he's moved on.
You may be feeling a little dutiful, that you don't have the right to your own happy life with someone who loves you? Are there any other reasons for not leaving like kids, church, accommodation or money?
Hi Feelin
we dont have anything together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has a dog. I'm in the process of leaving. I want to help him. But I cant continue to stay with the lies and mistrust.
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Originally Posted by thequest
As noted 'functioning' alcoholic is just a phase. In some cases just a phrase. There's a good chance that he is being covered for at work or stuff is being done for him etc. Did his buddies participate in any cover stories? If he's cheating that's already sign of impulse control and/or lack of commitment. Until he wants to change trying to nudge him or waiting to be there for him is not worth it in my book.
I watched a very similar scenario playout at work. He started drinking before lunch, cheating on wife at night. He was frequently covered for and management knew but didn't want to do anything until they had a slam dunk case to fire or suspend him-it did, motor vehicle accident where he lied on report. Got rehired and fired several more times thanks to a union and lawyers. Also the drinking escalated/expanded into cocaine then crack. We all knew it was the end even before we found out which drugs he was doing because he came to work for a party, a 42 year old man with children starts wearing an earring? Apparently his cheating expanded to pick up/party bars, not just the local bar/restaurant.
I watched a very similar scenario playout at work. He started drinking before lunch, cheating on wife at night. He was frequently covered for and management knew but didn't want to do anything until they had a slam dunk case to fire or suspend him-it did, motor vehicle accident where he lied on report. Got rehired and fired several more times thanks to a union and lawyers. Also the drinking escalated/expanded into cocaine then crack. We all knew it was the end even before we found out which drugs he was doing because he came to work for a party, a 42 year old man with children starts wearing an earring? Apparently his cheating expanded to pick up/party bars, not just the local bar/restaurant.
He has one buddy that he uses in his lies. I dont really know him so I'm not sure. he has been paying for sex. Atleast once that I know of and he has initiated it 3 times since. Everything came to a head sunday night. I took my son and left him. He doesn't want to change. I'm not going to force him. I'll always care. That's all I'm willing to give him at the moment.
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Allwaysontime,
Now is the time to move one. He is drinking, cheating, lying. That is no way to live in a relationship. You deserve someone you can trust and love.
I know you want to help him, but he has to want to get better. If he doesn't think he has a problem then it's only going to get worse. He needs to do AA, See a therapist. Cut out the drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
It sounds like you can make a clean break. You have to look after your child and yourself. Everyone else does not matter. you also need to get help for yourself. You need to see if there is an AL-Anon group that meets near you. That will help you deal with the pain he has caused you.
I'm glad you found us here at SoberRecover. There are a ton of great people with a lot a great answers to all your question. When you come here you are not alone. Have a great day and be strong.
Now is the time to move one. He is drinking, cheating, lying. That is no way to live in a relationship. You deserve someone you can trust and love.
I know you want to help him, but he has to want to get better. If he doesn't think he has a problem then it's only going to get worse. He needs to do AA, See a therapist. Cut out the drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
It sounds like you can make a clean break. You have to look after your child and yourself. Everyone else does not matter. you also need to get help for yourself. You need to see if there is an AL-Anon group that meets near you. That will help you deal with the pain he has caused you.
I'm glad you found us here at SoberRecover. There are a ton of great people with a lot a great answers to all your question. When you come here you are not alone. Have a great day and be strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by allwaysontime
Hi Feelin
we dont have anything together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has a dog. I'm in the process of leaving. I want to help him. But I cant continue to stay with the lies and mistrust.
we dont have anything together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has a dog. I'm in the process of leaving. I want to help him. But I cant continue to stay with the lies and mistrust.
You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Sometimes, people make choices, like your AH is, that no amount of intervention from you can change the course of.
He is way off the "normal" track and perhaps he is still "functional" - functional is just a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholism. He will be functional until he isn't.
He is not your responsibility. He is a grown man making terrible choices, but those are his choices. Try not to take it too personally, he is not drinking at you, he is just drinking.
The sooner you get out of there the better in my opinion, that is no place for you to be, you deserve so much better in your life. There is a book that is often recommended here - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you may want to pick up a copy. It has great information about boundaries in relationships etc.
Once you are out you will find the FOG lifting (fear, obligation, guilt) and will be in a much better place to make YOUR life happier and more peaceful.
It would be a good idea to consult a lawyer at this point perhaps.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Being a functioning alcoholic is merely a phase.
a look at the mental functioning typically reveals a completely different picture.
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Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by allwaysontime
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I have found a Al Anon group that meets today. I will attend. I have left him. Me and my child deserve better.
There really should be some kind of ICU for people in your position. There is us. Let us know how you get on.
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