I’m pregnant and my boyfriend just entered a long term treatment program
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2
I’m pregnant and my boyfriend just entered a long term treatment program
Hello, I am almost 5 months pregnant and my boyfriend has just entered a long term treatment program (about 2 years) for crystal meth addiction. He has been there for exactly one week and he can’t contact anyone for the first 30 days of his recovery. I understand that this process is needed so that staff can assess how compliant he is and how they can go about treating him. Loved ones and friends can send him letters but he can’t reply until after his 30 days. The treatment he’s in has a very high success rate, I even have a relative that went to the same treatment facility and has been sober for years. I guess what I really want advice on is, how do I cope with him gone and also trying to stay healthy for the baby? I worry about so many things like, will he even write or call me once his 30 days are up? Is he going to meet someone else and not want to be with me anymore? What do we do once his treatment is done? I have so many concerns and it doesn’t help that my family is completely against me staying with him, they don’t even want me to give our baby his last name. They keep saying things like, “Leave him”, “Look for someone better”, “Why are you crying over him? He’s not crying over you” ,ect... all of that really hurts, but I know they only say this things cause they don’t want to see me hurt again, but it’s kind of too late. We’re having a baby together ( my first, his second) I have written him 2 long and heartfelt letters basically telling him I love him and how the baby is doing, I don’t want to say too much other than that cause I don’t want to distract him from his recovery. Before he left for treatment he was completely cooperative, looking after me, going with me to my doctors appointments, making the room/house was clean. We would have long talks about how he felt so guilty for the things he’s done and for hurting me and my family with his actions and that he wants to be a better dad to our baby than how he was with his first one. He would cry and tell me how sorry he was and that he takes full responsibility for his actions and that there is no one else to blame but himself. He got himself into this treatment program on his own by the way, I so proud of him for taking responsibility and taking that first step towards recovery on his own. I just want him be happy while away from the drugs and with me and our baby. I feel like I have no one on my side or anyone who I can really talk to about how I’m feeling. So if anyone can give me some advice or tell me what they have been through with their S.O. that would be much appreciated.
Thank You
Thank You
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Welcome to the family. 
I would suggest that you focus on yourself and the coming baby. Stay healthy and take good care of yourself. Give him space to work his recovery.
I wouldn't worry too much about what will happen in the future, just concentrate on being your best self and getting thru the pregnancy.
Let him know you support him but give him his space.
We also have a friends and family forum, both for alcoholics and addicts. Might be some help there for you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
I would suggest that you focus on yourself and the coming baby. Stay healthy and take good care of yourself. Give him space to work his recovery. I wouldn't worry too much about what will happen in the future, just concentrate on being your best self and getting thru the pregnancy.
Let him know you support him but give him his space.
We also have a friends and family forum, both for alcoholics and addicts. Might be some help there for you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Welcome,
This is a time for you to focus on yourself and your baby. Your baby will need your energy and attention and that's what's important. Two years is a very long time and no one knows what will happen during that time. It's good that you're supporting your boyfriend, and I hope things go well for him.
This is a time for you to focus on yourself and your baby. Your baby will need your energy and attention and that's what's important. Two years is a very long time and no one knows what will happen during that time. It's good that you're supporting your boyfriend, and I hope things go well for him.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome 092govs 
Its a good thing and a great commitment to recovery that your partner is showing. I'm sorry you're without much support but you'll always find support and understanding here.
you're not alone
D
Its a good thing and a great commitment to recovery that your partner is showing. I'm sorry you're without much support but you'll always find support and understanding here.
you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Pregnancy hormones make all emotions heightened and congratulations by the way
I personally, would give him time to settle in - if they're saying a month, then go by that and then I would gently keep the flow of communication open and honest. At the end of the day, he has support all around him, for anything that upsets him too much.
Best thing though if you truly love him, is to keep yourself and your baby well for him
You sound like a lovely person - and you can do this
Good luck and I hope things ultimately work out the way you want them to.
I personally, would give him time to settle in - if they're saying a month, then go by that and then I would gently keep the flow of communication open and honest. At the end of the day, he has support all around him, for anything that upsets him too much.
Best thing though if you truly love him, is to keep yourself and your baby well for him
You sound like a lovely person - and you can do this
Good luck and I hope things ultimately work out the way you want them to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi govs and welcome.
Maybe since he is taking this time to work on himself it's a good time to look after yourself as well.
It's probably a good idea for you to learn as much as you can about addiction, so you understand (as much as a non-addict can) what addiction is about.
Also, a good time to really focus on yourself and self care, feeling good is important. Getting lots of sleep, eating well, you know the drill!
If you don't want your family's opinion(s) perhaps stop talking to them about your relationship? If they are not supportive at all, perhaps there are friends that are more understanding? You might also find support and help at Al-Anon or Naranon.
I'm sure things will be different when he is in treatment if for no other reason than he will be, hopefully, on the road to recovery and not taking drugs anymore, I'm guessing you have only ever known him while he is using drugs?
Another thing that is often suggested around here is the book, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might want to get a copy. It's not a long read and I'm not saying you are codependent but it cover a lot about boundaries in relationships and it's a good foundation.
Stick around SR, lots of support here and there are two Friends and Family forums you might want to check out as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Maybe since he is taking this time to work on himself it's a good time to look after yourself as well.
It's probably a good idea for you to learn as much as you can about addiction, so you understand (as much as a non-addict can) what addiction is about.
Also, a good time to really focus on yourself and self care, feeling good is important. Getting lots of sleep, eating well, you know the drill!
If you don't want your family's opinion(s) perhaps stop talking to them about your relationship? If they are not supportive at all, perhaps there are friends that are more understanding? You might also find support and help at Al-Anon or Naranon.
I'm sure things will be different when he is in treatment if for no other reason than he will be, hopefully, on the road to recovery and not taking drugs anymore, I'm guessing you have only ever known him while he is using drugs?
Another thing that is often suggested around here is the book, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might want to get a copy. It's not a long read and I'm not saying you are codependent but it cover a lot about boundaries in relationships and it's a good foundation.
Stick around SR, lots of support here and there are two Friends and Family forums you might want to check out as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
You sound like you really understand that he has a big journey ahead of him and that's good I think. Different circumstances but when I was pregnant with my first, his dad was away in the navy for nearly a year. I was scared and heartbroken that we weren't doing it together - but then my son was born and I fell in love and everything was delightful!
I think it is bad that you are being encouraged to forget your partner, he is your baby's father and nothing will ever change that. Yes you might not have the most conventional start but if you both love that baby you will be ok.
You seem realistic in that he will need to devote a lot of time for himself to get through this. Instead of your friends and family being negative towards this situation perhaps you could ask them for help and support, as this will be best for the baby and that's the most important thing. Enjoy this time as best you can x
I think it is bad that you are being encouraged to forget your partner, he is your baby's father and nothing will ever change that. Yes you might not have the most conventional start but if you both love that baby you will be ok.
You seem realistic in that he will need to devote a lot of time for himself to get through this. Instead of your friends and family being negative towards this situation perhaps you could ask them for help and support, as this will be best for the baby and that's the most important thing. Enjoy this time as best you can x
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Can you get to Al Anon? Work your steps in that program and recover.
Have strong faith that everything will turn out ok, but you have to remain strong for your baby.
Newest research is saying anxiety and stress from the mom can be passed on to the baby. If you want a peaceful baby, remain at peace with the process of recovery.
Sending love hugs and strength to you
~SB
Have strong faith that everything will turn out ok, but you have to remain strong for your baby.
Newest research is saying anxiety and stress from the mom can be passed on to the baby. If you want a peaceful baby, remain at peace with the process of recovery.
Sending love hugs and strength to you
~SB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Hi ..he looked for help...he is actually getting help...you are the one to decide if you are going to give him and you and this baby a chance together.
He comes out and messes up than you have to re-evaluate your situation at that time. Never good to raise children around "active" addiction just remember that...and if you can stand strong in believing that....than you and your baby will always be ok.
You love him...your family is just worried for you...I would tell them I understand your worried...but at this time he is committed to help (although it does sound like court ordered help...2 years is a long time).
In my opinion if it is court ordered he has less of a chance of success....but SOME people do end up sober or clean finally just because of a court order or jail.....So you never know.
Give your love a chance..you hold the cards...you can back out of this whenever you know its not going to work.
He comes out and messes up than you have to re-evaluate your situation at that time. Never good to raise children around "active" addiction just remember that...and if you can stand strong in believing that....than you and your baby will always be ok.
You love him...your family is just worried for you...I would tell them I understand your worried...but at this time he is committed to help (although it does sound like court ordered help...2 years is a long time).
In my opinion if it is court ordered he has less of a chance of success....but SOME people do end up sober or clean finally just because of a court order or jail.....So you never know.
Give your love a chance..you hold the cards...you can back out of this whenever you know its not going to work.
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